1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me', 'I' at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there is not. In my experience, there is only seamless presence to what is.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The self that I thought I was is simply thought. There are still thoughts of self happening, but I see clearly they are just thoughts, not an actual identity that is separate. The separate self originates from a need to protect something that appears more precious than life itself (actual experience). The fuel that perpetuates the pattern of psychological separateness is holding on to thoughts as though they were truth.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
I don’t need to try to be something anymore; I can just let go and be. I am completely vulnerable to life, and as a result, life is living life rather than “I am living life.”
“Awake Awareness Knows Itself” had some meaning, and now it’s just another way of saying, THIS. Look! Listen! Feel! The “Awake Awareness” is just LOOKING.
Before starting this inquiry, the “Knows Itself” was some sort of loop with an observer being present to life. Now, I see there is nothing here that is actively observing, and there never was to begin with. The true knowing of itself is like a primordial “Knowing,” except that this “knowing” had no beginning. It has no origin! It just IS.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
The last straw was this:
Is seeking still going on?
...Just a little nugget of something out of place. Maybe it's just time to let go of the search and just be...
This “time to let go of the search and just be” felt so right. Also, sitting with your question,
If I say there’s no doer, thinker, experiencer, decision maker, or a witness, what comes up?
During those two days I spoke out loud, “There is no one experiencing this.” A subtle shift happened there too.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
A decision is simply a thought labeled as a decision. I can't provide specific examples because I haven't had thoughts supporting the belief that "I make decisions." Although on a regular basis I might say “I made a decision,” I didn’t and don’t truly believe that "I make decisions."
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
Intentionality involves holding a thought in mind to direct my mind towards a desirable outcome. However, there’s no need to manipulate or direct thought; it goes against the natural flow of what IS. Now, I just trust, let go, and remain aware. Interestingly, there is no "I" doing any of this.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
This belief faded from my pattern of thoughts in 2022, primarily due to my sitting practice. I observed that the activity of “making a decision” occurred before I was aware of it. I was retroactively witnessing decisions being made and realized that choosing or making a decision was merely an assumption.
When I let go of the belief in “free will,” it led to self-forgiveness and forgiveness of others. I saw clearly that everyone is always doing the best they can, regardless of how it appears in the narratives of the mind.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
What’s the difference between choice and decision? I wish I knew how to answer this one. I looked up the differences and they're so subtle.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
Control… hmm… I’ve come to understand control as letting go.
The Tao Te Ching says something like,
“The cow herd controls his cattle by giving them a spacious pasture to graze.” Every time I tried to control an aspect of my life with guilt, shame, or other typical tools for self-retribution, it always resulted in chaos.
For instance, I have a severe addiction to video games. When I used to play, I’d punish myself in some psychological way. But as my practice deepened, I discovered that I needed to just be present while I played. During play, I experienced immense shame, guilt, frustration, fear, sadness, and anxiety. Instead of being consumed by it, I saw and felt all of it with a loving presence, just being.
I realized I had no sovereignty over my addiction, and the only way to stop the pattern was to remove the triggers from my life completely. Though before doing that, I let my body have what it wanted and faced all the pain associated with the addiction. I gave it the wide pasture to graze and felt a natural movement towards ending the pattern.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
I sat outside in nature and investigated the origin of all the happenings and wow…
I looked down to see a jumping spider on its way somewhere, and then there was a dragonfly landing on a leaf. I don’t know what’s making this all happen, but it just IS. It’s all happening, unfolding, revealing itself like a flower blooming in response to the rising sun.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
What am I responsible for? I might as well be responsible for everything. I am responsible for responding appropriately.
I am not immune to error and miscalculations, and as a result, it is my responsibility to continue to train. A major change of administration recently happened at work, and many people are very stressed. The thought, “I must be the peace that everyone so badly needs,” came to mind many times. So my responsibility in this case is to be relaxed and resilient in the face of uncertainty.
Anything to add?
I still have a ways to go and am not "fully baked."
To my Dharma brother, friend, and teacher, William C. After meeting 18 months ago at the Green Gulch Farm (GGF) January Intensive, we continued a dialogue, and he continuously supported my practice. The words he spoke illuminated the way and gradually led to this very moment. You’ve dedicated so much time to helping me out of “the washer machine,” as you also call it, “grasping, dwelling and storytelling.” Thank you, Will, for trusting in my capacity to recognize what this is all about :,)
To my Dharma brother and friend, Ethan, who initially shared LU with me while we were roommates at GGF. There was so much that I learned from you and your practice. I appreciated your hospitality, allowing me to come into your room unannounced so I could talk. You listened so deeply to me, even though I was just rambling on about whatever, but those memories struck me so sweetly.
To my Dharma brothers and sisters, especially Tim, Emmet, Chetan, Ann, Fanglin, Jonathan, KWAH, Nathan, Jo, Sivoham Sivoham, and many others who have been a radiant light on this path.
To you,
Raliza :) Your BS detector is so spot on! I have enjoyed every moment of our interactions, and I felt great vibes and playfulness coming from us both. You are great at what you do here on LU, and I’ve learned much from your highly refined process. You can call me on my BS anytime! Hahaha…
Thank you.
To all those who are seeking :) May you continue your inquiry until there’s nothing left to seek.
And thank you to everyone who supports Liberation Unleashed :-)
Love,
Drew
