Blahdi

[Annika]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
Well it's pretty obvious that there cannot be a separate entity, it very much seems like a character from a cartoon if considered soberly. But if that imaginary creature wants to come to terms with non existence some trouble may arise.

What are you looking for at LU?
So I would like some honest conversation with someone who has a feeling for the terrain, because I think I'm really at the end of a rope here and maybe it's me who should finally be hanging from it, if you pardon my French.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
If you could kindly steer me into a favourable direction and away from all that tedious Annika details, that would be most appreciated. Also to have someone reading what I say could turn up the heat somewhat.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I've had some autolysis time some years ago, it went on for 2-3 years and I read a lot of Jed McKenna and I think it was still a lot about the Annika details. I went back out into the world after, as it seemed I had run out of steam, and I did some living and working and loving. Now I'm at a loss again and I want to finish what I started.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 11

[Annika]

I'm writing at three in the morning, I just can't sleep after a week in which I've seemingly done little else, sometimes in reaction to those little questions that one can find in y'all's vicinity.

To me it seems like this is a very special corner of the internet, where after a long night of dancing and adventure and possibly drugs and alcohol one can go to get oneself a nourishing burger. It's nothing fancy, the light is a little too bright, the service quite matter-of-fact but people are friendly, everything is quite economical, and girl do those burgers and fries hit a spot. And maybe it takes a night of dancing and flirting and everything going nowhere in a frenzy to really appreciate the nourishment that can be found here.

I don't know if I can answer those questions you people ask in the end, since my mind goes blank and stubbornly as a mule refuses to take another step and answer whether there is or ever has been an I. I have noticed though that there's a celebratory mood around here, that thoughts are allowed to wander freely, freepeople thoughts with their cute little hats and walking sticks, greeting each other with cheerful dignity where they were incessantly controlled and distrustfully observed in the past. There's simply a lot more space and a gratitude for the way things seem to be set up, without this person having to lift a finger (and even with the greatest of her efforts, all she seemed to manage was a military parade of three miserable thoughtpeople in ragged clothes trying to represent whatever hollow idea she mistook for salvation on this particular day and hour).

Nothing changed, really, but to call that "not a problem" is a ridiculous turn of phrase which makes the mule of my mind do the thing where they show their teeth.
there's no knowing of the world tomorrow morning, there may be a small hangover after this long night, and there's really not much more to be said.

[Annika]

If it's all the same with you whoever my guidian angel may turn out to be - I'll just go ahead and answer these questions.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
Apparently not. I remember what the words referred to and it just seems to be a great seriousness in a thought, like a furrowed brow saying "I!" Looking back I just see the entirety of this existence and not "a person" taking "decisions". I say "apparently not" because I am not yet completely sure about this absence in sensing, it's somewhat hard to grasp what this is when it isn't.
2) Share in your own words what the illusion of separate self is and how it shows up in experience. Also, through your inquiry, what is different now?
To me it was a lot about, oh, I have this thought, I still need to fix what it points to, I need to better myself, this is going to be a lot of work, or also, there's something deeply wrong with the world that I can't fix, so I'm doomed. Like I (my thoughts) was this box and what appears from inside of the box must have a physical reality even if it disappears "back into the box". Needless to say, the box is excessively messy, a real big problem box there " I" has to deal with.
The box is probably gone now, so no place to store messes. Things pop up and leave politely and completely. I still get caught up in strains of thought but there's somewhat of an effortlessness to get me back to reality.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
There's some gratitude because before I thought I have to behave in a certain way to get through this gate thingy. There's gratitude because I thought I did everything wrong in my autolysis some years ago, now I realize that it has prepared me well. But now the difference fades quickly and there's new shores, like what do I do with this new mind of mine, and also there's daily life things to deal with.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
There were a couple of small things. One thing was, I was contemplating about the I question, and then I farted loudly, pardon me. And to think that it was "I" who farted was quite funny. And then yesterday evening I was just really sitting down with some pen and paper, I didn't expect anything much from the exercise, more like doing homework. But it was quite pleasant, actually, I had a problem with a thought because it was somewhat painful and had thought-babies that followed from the one thought. And then I realized that the first thought wasn't emotional. It was just my reaction to it that was emotional. So there was this innocent thought and then my system going "waaaaaahhh" and having more thoughts. But no thinker.
And the whole exercise was really much like studying in the university or thinking of something at work. Not magical, not scary, as Ilona said, I think. Just work.
5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
A decision is just the best guess for what will happen. If you become attached to your guess than that will happen, but if you're not, the guess may turn out to be wrong because "something else gets decided". It's like these images of gravity fields where you can see how the apple will fall, along those gravity lines. The gravity lines may be very intricate, so that keeps it interesting, but that doesn't mean that there's a person deciding anything, she can only decide what was decided for her. You want lasagna for lunch, or lasagna? I've been living with this no-decision but just "see what's indicated" for some time now so this is natural to me.

6) Anything to add?
I'm very grateful for this community. Thank you funny serious wonderful people and thanks to our gracious host, the universe.

[Annika]

I just have to keep talking, hopefully someone doesn't mind.

It seems like my thoughts are actually quite inconsequential. I'm standing in the kitchen with a benevolent mother who's doing the cooking and housekeeping and I'm just a toddler "helping" her by licking the bowl, or offering sand cake, or moving the dirt from one corner to another with my cute little broom. So I'm participating, no doubt, she's humouring me, and most of all taking very good care of me, all the while I cannot even grasp in whichever ways.

We're not only in the house - also, we're in the fields and sowing, and she knows when to sow and when to reap and when to take care of the soil and when to let it lay bare to recover. All I little baby girl can say to this is, yes, food! I like food!
But I have really no way of knowing how to bring it about. So I'll just keep doing my little dances with the daisy chains and saying hi to dogs and running down slopes when they're inviting me to do so.

[graceabounds]

Hello dear,

It appears imaginary you is deep in a process which is processing itself…. an unraveling.

What now? Just for the ghost of something to be witnessed in the dance?

-Becca

[Annika]

Hi Becca
Thank you so much for replying and I'm sorry for jumping the queue.
There does seem to be some unraveling going on, it doesn't feel deep, though :D pretty shallow unraveling if you ask me.
Happiness and gratitude.

[graceabounds]

When pants are on fire, the queue isn’t relevant.

Who judges deep or shallow? How is depth known or assessed and what does this assessment?

[Annika]

I feel like we might be getting into a loop here, Becca. Initially you said I seemed in "deep". I threw the ball back calling it "shallow". Either way it doesn't matter.

[Annika]

I was just blabbering because that's what this character does to make sense of things. But it was really just that, wasn't meaning to say that pants on fire. Pants burnt down to ashes together with whatever was in it.
Would love to be a guide - if I don't qualify, that's fine, too.
All the best to you!

[graceabounds]

haha ok.
pants or no pants, there seemed to be some urgency here…

Has seeking resolved?
Would you say there is clear and stable seeing from which to guide?

[Annika]

Yes, one might call me... Intense.

The seeing is clear. What happens in the process is very much a mystery still, but one I would like to explore.

[graceabounds]

Great. How would you like to be supported in this exploration?

Also, I have shared this thread to a few other guides to see if any have questions for you as it relates to the answers 1-6 in your second post here. Stay tuned on that...

-Becca

[Annika]

Thank you for your kind offer - I think I'm ready to wing it, what I'm most curious about is how to handle when someone's writing is mesmerising or boring in some way, as a self can sometimes be. But there's questions one can use as a guard rail, I suppose. And it's interesting to use the own feelings together with the mind for sensing what might be the next step, where to engage and what to cut through, rather.
And thank you all for being so thorough! I'm really grateful for this community where heart and mind and beauty and structure are all present and appreciated.

[graceabounds]

Yes there is some structure, some exercises, some questions that recur. But it is also an organic process, always fresh. I work from the end, where it is already always clear, and there is a kind of trust in the seeking energy itself to carry through…
And also, that said, there isn’t an I doing anything or even an end result that has to happening a certain way or in a certain time frame, just a movement to log in, be present with people, and see what is here.

[graceabounds]

Hello dear,

In the past few days as promised a few of the other LU guides have taken a look at this thread. One of them has a query about the following:

But now the difference fades quickly and there's new shores, like what do I do with this new mind of mine, and also there's daily life things to deal with.

Who/what is the one that possesses this new mind and is in charge of what it does?
Is there any evidence—outside of thought—that someone has ‘crossed’ and is now standing on a new shore? Is there any entity who owns this experience?

Much love,
Becca