Who am I?

[Anastacia42]

Excellent.

Anywhere I look for a self I notice that its just a sensation. For some reason I just label that sensation as "special" in some way, even though it is like any other sensation in my bod

Yes! Exactly!

Can you find any separate self?

How does it FEEL to see this?

Loving,

[beingbraden]

I'm really stumped here. I don't know what to write.

Can you find any separate self?

I can't point to any location and say that my "self" is there any more. The tension in my head and face that I used to identify as myself are no longer identified in that way, just sensations in the body.

How does it FEEL to see this?

Yesterday when I was seeing this really clearly there was a deep sense of relaxation, like it felt like muscles that I wasn't even aware of were relaxing. Also a sense of ease and freedom. Like finally being able to let go of a weight I've been holding on to forever.

...And yet there is still something telling me that I haven't quite got it(?) It doesn't feel like a shift has happened. There is a certain ease that I feel at times, but today I have still been caught in my head a bunch of times and it's sort of this thing that I find myself being reminded of and coming back to the realization that I don't have a self. I think it was Todd that said he wished that all his hair would fall out or that his skin would turn green if he had seen it because then you could have conclusive proof that it happened and I'm definitely feeling similar right now.

Based on the fact that I can't point to any self right now I guess that means I've seen through the illusion, but I am more looking forward to sitting with this more and seeing if it deepens.

[Anastacia42]

Yes, see how it deepens. Be with the shift.

Have I shared these about how it comes & goes.

It won't be 24/7. There's likely to be a "honeymoon period," and then what we call, "got it, lost it," as untrue beliefs come up to be questioned.

Watch this, please:

https://youtu.be/vJQcD588g2w

and

https://youtu.be/PUDzrCLlrj4

Loving,

[beingbraden]

There's likely to be a "honeymoon period," and then what we call, "got it, lost it," as untrue beliefs come up to be questioned.


Yeah, I guess I am just stuck wondering if I have really “got it” in the first place. I don’t know if I’ve experienced a clarity or honeymoon period. I guess all I can do is go with the feeling that I have right now, whatever it is.



I watched both videos and a few things stood out to me

Some quotes from the first video:
In describing awakening / “falling” process she says

…the old way doesn’t make sense any more and the new way is not stable yet”

I still feel like the old way makes sense. There isn’t really a strong feeling of instability, although I get hints of it at times

Again, describing awakening she describes it as a

“core belief is busted”

and an

“end of seeking”

I need to sit with it more to see if that core belief has actually been seen through. Its very confusing because on the one hand if I am being completely honest with myself I know that I can’t point to anything that is a self any more, but it doesn’t feel like a core belief has been shattered, it doesn’t feel like I have come to the end of seeking, it doesn’t feel like I have any more answers than I did before I started this, it doesn’t feel like I have significantly changed the way that I view life. It feels like the belief in self has carried on somewhere else but I can't seem to find it.

After a period of bliss I am back to normal. How do I get back to the lightness?

I can relate to this. I feel something that borders on bliss for a few seconds, maybe a couple minutes but that seems to only happen when I am very focused on the exercises or looking at direct experience and then 99% of the rest of my day is essentially business as normal

Rest in simply being

This is another thing I can relate with. It feels like I can rest in being, or at least rest in something that is in that general direction. Just focusing on direct experience and noticing that I can’t find a solid self other than getting lost in thought

Simply being is the answer to all questions.. Rest in being as much as you can

I think I can get to this space sometimes too. I rest in being, but then there is this constant tug to go back to the mind and compare it to what I have learned awakening is supposed to be. Checking to see if I have a better understanding of everything you have told me, seeing if anything is still confusing. Essentially there is this constant checking the intellect to see if there has been a shift and everything “makes sense” after sitting in being for a bit

In the second video:
She talks about a metaphor of sitting in a completely dark room and initially you get little glimmers of light here and there, but then there is a point you reach where a light switch gets flipped and you have the awareness of being awake. From that point you can go back to “asleep” and “awake” and back and forth.

What I’ve experienced feels more like the little glimmers of light. I’m hoping it will grow over time, but I don’t think I have really seen what there is to see yet.

Maybe I am just falling back into doubt again. Is this just doubt and expectations all over again?

[Anastacia42]

don’t think I have really seen what there is to see yet.

Maybe I am just falling back into doubt again. Is this just doubt and expectations all over.

Yes. All you have right now is glimmers. I just want you to have this information. It can calm your mind some.

Keep LOOKING. Keep posting your DE (Direct experience)

Attend groups.

Loving

[Anastacia42]

Angelo Dillulo guiding video

https://youtu.be/fEv7UF8evQ4?si=0quQlOl6c4S5QvUU

Loving

[beingbraden]

Attend groups.

Planing on attending Vince's meeting again this week

Angelo Dillulo guiding video

I think this was really helpful and was a good pointer that I kept being reminded of over and over during my sits today. Thanks. Just to be clear, I shouldn't be asking myself "Who am I?" though?

Keep LOOKING. Keep posting your DE (Direct experience)

I felt like today was more of the same / nothing new to report.
I did ButtChair for around 40 minutes tonight. At certain points there was a sensation like I couldn't feel my bottom any more, like I was almost falling. There was a point where there was a very slight tightening of the belly and shorter breaths and it felt like I was on a tall cliff. Near the end there were lots of moments where my focus faded / felt very soft and I was leaning towards something like sleep and my thoughts would get into a very weird dream state. Other times I keep getting the pleasurable tingling sensations that travel across my body in waves synced with my breathing.

I want to try focusing on sensations more. I keep getting pulled back to my mind to analyze things. Even just typing this out I am realizing that there are some interesting things that I am curious to find out more about, but it seems like I keep getting pulled back to my mind to analyze what is happening all the time. When I don't get back to my mind is when I seem to enter the sleeping, fuzzy state. Maybe its just focusing, more than it is actual thought. But yeah, I think the Angelo video pretty much gives me my answer to realize that what I am looking for is not going to be found in thoughts.

[Anastacia42]

shouldn't be asking myself "Who am I?" though?

We don't use that here. You can find an article in the Resources tab about that.

Angelo video pretty much gives me my answer to realize that what I am looking for is not going to be found in thoughts.

As I've been saying.

It's okay if it's still the same just keep practicing and posting.

Loving,

[beingbraden]

Today my schedule was thrown way off and I haven't been able to do much formal sitting today. But I want to try to keep up with daily posting.
There have been moments where I remember to pay attention to direct experience in every day activities. I feel like before I got onto LU I was asking myself "Who am I?" constantly and it felt good to be able to do something like that 24/7, but the only comparable practice that I've found since joining here is just noticing direct experience which seems to be harder to remember to do. Sometimes I feel bad that I am not able do something consistently throughout the day, I want to be doing more.

I guess I can make record of some general things that I have been noticing since starting this process
- My memory seems to be getting worse haha. I think I used to be so in my head that I would just not really forget things that much, but the more I pay attention to direct experience the more "disconnected" from my memory I am. It hasn't caused any major issues and my memory generally kicks in when it needs to, so I'm fine with it
- Concepts and certain words or even objects in daily life seem to be seen with new eyes. One example from the other day is hearing someone say the word "family" and just having this weird moment where I really thought about what the word "family" means for the first time in years. Like it feels like a new concept or fresh in some way. Its feels like seeing things clearer(?) It will just happen for random words or things that I see during the day
- I generally have more curiosity about everything that I am feeling
- I am more accepting of myself instead of being ashamed when I make mistakes

Thank you for all your help so far.

[Anastacia42]

Why don't you watch the Dillulo guiding video each day?

The chances are good that you've seen. but are stuck in doubt. You resonated with Todd'svideo.

Did I share this one with Pernille?

https://youtu.be/a_8N331jpA4?si=wHE8KmhO7n9uwLPp

Have you gone to any meetings?

You have all the tools you need. RELAX & keep using them until.all this thinking clears up. Remember, you're only noticing what is already true.

Loving

[beingbraden]

Why don't you watch the Dillulo guiding video each day?

I have it bookmarked and will try that out. I watched it today and its a good reminder

Did I share this one with Pernille?
https://youtu.be/a_8N331jpA4?si=wHE8KmhO7n9uwLPp

Yes, I watched this one about a week ago. I will watch it again

Have you gone to any meetings?

Not since going to Vince's and Ilona's a couple weeks ago. I am planning on going to Vince's tomorrow. Unless I am missing something it seems like all the other meetings you have pointed me to only happen once a month. There is only one of Vince's regular meetings that lines up with my time zone, and even then I can only go if I dont have meetings at work.

I did more ButtChair, noticing direct experience, watched a couple of Angelo's videos, as well as Luchana's, and I tried out one of the other meditation tapes you sent me "Zooming in on death"

My main experience with zooming in on death was a sensation of my body dissolving, almost a floating feeling. A lot of this stuff feels like I am getting in similar territory to sleep. Relaxing and letting go seem to be key for me.

[Anastacia42]

Good. You're doing good stuff

Relaxing and letting go seem to be key for me.

Yes, good.

Loving

[beingbraden]

More ButtChair today

Watched some Angelo videos, went to Vince's meeting, watched some of Pernille's videos. Will be doing yoga and some more ButtChair tonight.

One question about ButtChair. Should I keep my attention focused just on my butt?
What has been happening lately is a feeling of dissolving or expansion and my focus seems to loosen to where it sort of encompasses my whole body and maybe outside my body. There is a feeling of being connected to the environment around me, I start noticing direct experience and how I don't have control over it. It feels like I am heading in the right direction based on our conversation and what I have been hearing, but I don't know if I should try to maintain focus on the Butt/Chair division as much as possible instead of "drifting" in this way.

Something that Vince brought up which is sort of a brain worm for me now is this argument that "just because you can't find your car keys doesn't mean they don't exist". I think this is part of what I have been struggling with, the feeling that just because my self isn't a feeling in my head/chest/etc doesn't mean that "I" don't exist at all. My mind just tells me that I have to keep looking.
I was a bit confused, but I think he said that the pointer that he prefers to give people is noticing how self gets attached to different stories. He gave the example of really liking chocolate ice cream. His body and/or his mind really likes chocolate ice cream and gets pleasure from eating it, but he doesn't have to get attached and create an "I" that likes chocolate ice cream. I guess its just a different pointer to see that the self is created as an unnecessary addition to experience(?)

He also talked about how the small little experiences/glimpses that I have had so far should be viewed as building momentum and one day it reaches a point where the momentum is sort of self-sustaining. I feel like this is encouraging because it's easy for me to fall into stories that I am doing something wrong or missing something.

He also mentioned that I wrote down was the idea of letting thought exist as a thought, regardless of the content. I feel like that one is huge.

The other thing I wanted to ask you about was from Pernille's video. She talked (like you have) about expectations. She shared the idea that if you are sitting in meditation expecting awakening to happen that its not going to happen. I feel like I don't know how to get out of that. I want awakening more than anything right now. I'm not sure how I am supposed to engage in this process and not create expectations about awakening.

Sorry this one is long. Today felt like a lot of information coming in.

Thanks
- Braden

[beingbraden]

The whole point of ButtChair is to point me to direct experience, right?

I just had a sit and I felt the most connected to direct experience while meditating, probably ever. Whenever I noticed a thought pop up I labeled it (with as little judgement as possible) "this is just a thought". What I was left with were regular periods of no thought and just directly experiencing sensations and sounds.

Since there wasn't a lot of thought it feels hard to write after the fact and label the direct experience, but I remember a few things.

I could notice a sensation that I would normally label as pain in my legs as just a tingly sensation arising, and I was able to sit with it without judgement. It turned out to be fine and actually a little bit pleasurable and then passed.

I was able to notice expectations arise, and labeled them as such. Expectations came up like "This is going to work this time, I am going to become awakened!.." and when I labeled it as an expectation-thought there was a huge sense of relaxation that went through my body.

Something that also popped up was the question "Who am I?". I guess I sort of "gave in" to this thought(?) It felt like I could go deeper into direct experience by asking "Who am I?" because I sort of interpreted it as "What is in direct experience for me right now?"

My question is, should I be intending to do anything other than pay attention to direct experience in moments like this? I know according to this method that I am not supposed to ask "Who am I?" but am I supposed to be searching for a self? Am I supposed to be somehow encouraging myself to notice that there is no self? Or do I just sit in direct experience and notice whatever arises with no thoughts or intentions?

[Anastacia42]

Good morning, Braden,

Should I keep my attention focused just on my butt?

Read the instructions. Yes, I'll post that again.

ButtChair

Please LOOK for any place where your butt ends & the chair begins.

Is there any clear dividing line between them? Or only the Sensation with no clear division?


It is simple direct & nonverbal. Just LOOK.

Then write what is true.

***

Stop overthinking it. Thought won't help you at all. Only looking will.

Also, it is unlikely you will see while you're in the middle of your practice. It's more likely to creep upon you when you're relaxed and not paying attention. But doing the practice sets up the conditions.

I was in my car sitting at a stop sign and looking out the window.

My question is, should I be intending to do anything other than pay attention to direct experience in moments like this? I know according to this method that I am not supposed to ask "Who am I?" but am I supposed to be searching for a self? Am I supposed to be somehow encouraging myself to notice that there is no self? Or do I just sit in direct experience and notice whatever arises with no thoughts or intentions?

Again you are totally overthinking it. Just follow the simple instructions. What you think does not matter. What you see (or don't see) does.

Did you find this about "who am I?"

https://www.liberationunleashed.com/res ... implified/

Your determination is good but don't think about it. Let go and relax. You've got plenty of good guidance, Everything you need is here now.

Loving,