Everything is Grist for the Mill

[Windaway]

Hello Deanna,

How does it feel to do this exploration?

Was there a shift of some kind?

[DeannaMP]

How does it feel to do this exploration?

I love discovering. It’s joyful. The body seems to be a fruitful pathway for me.

Was there a shift of some kind?

All shifts so far have been subtle. This latest is the realization that what I thought was direct experience of the body was actually thought content most of the time. This has helped me see even more the difference between DE and thought content and the identification that goes with it.

[Windaway]

Hello Deanna,

All shifts so far have been subtle. This latest is the realization that what I thought was direct experience of the body was actually thought content most of the time. This has helped me see even more the difference between DE and thought content and the identification that goes with it.

I sense that you have seen through the illusion of the self I while ago.
But it was important to me to show the possibility you are describing.
Great ^^


Here bellow are the "final questions" to officially cross the gate.
Other guides will look at it and maybe ask clarifications questions.

Take the time you need to answer. Don't forget that this crossing doesn't mean anything. ^^
Please don't forget to answer separately to every question using the quote.

Here are the questions we use to confirm you cross the gate.
The intent is to find out if there is any remaining identification with a separate self. Please keep the answer short.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?

2) Describe how the illusion of an independent, self came into being by giving examples from actual experience.
Then give some experiential examples of how life changed for you after seeing through this illusion.

3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) Can you remember any specific inquiry that resulted in an epiphany? ..a before and after seeing the actuality of the Self. Was there a point when you ‘got it’?

5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how these things happen and how they work.

b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.

6) Anything to add?

[DeannaMP]

1)

Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?

No, and there never was. ‘Self, me, I’ are thought content which is not reality.

2) Describe how the illusion of an independent, self came into being by giving examples from actual experience.

I have no memories of a time before the illusion of self came into being.

Then give some experiential examples of how life changed for you after seeing through this illusion.

I see how my whole life i have lived with “virtual reality”goggles on. These goggles keep me asleep in a fantasy world so much that I am unable to remember a lot of actual childhood experiences. But I do remember the fantasies I would engage in to avoid experience. I suspect I retreated into fantasy because of trauma. I may not retreat into fantasy like I used to but I can clearly see that those VR goggles are still on and they don’t come off but now I am awake and I KNOW. I can see how I relate to others through the goggles. I am now questioning all my beliefs and opinions. I am questioning all experiences - ‘am I actually experiencing or am I fantasizing about what I’m experiencing’? I clearly see that I have not been relating to other people directly, I project my fantasies onto them. For example, when my now husband and I first dated he was ‘so handsome, considerate, just what I needed’. Now he’s ‘an inconsiderate slob and a man-child’. Neither of these opinions are true! They’re just fantasies I projected onto him! Who is he without these thoughts?

3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days

.
Before I was confused about the difference between DE and thought content. Now I truly understand the difference Before I suspected that ‘self’, ‘i’, ’me’ were just thought content but was skeptical. Now I am sure because I can see it. There is a feeling of freedom from the tyranny of thought and a certainty about where my attention has to be to deepen awakening.

4) Can you remember any specific inquiry that resulted in an epiphany? ..a before and after seeing the actuality of the Self. Was there a point when you ‘got it’?

Your description of direct experience vs. thought content was very helpful. The body awareness exercises showed me how ‘entangled’ DE and thought content are. The stream description helped with understanding free will and control. I’d say there were a bunch of little ‘got its’ that built upon each other. Before your guidance I conceptually understood no self but didn’t know how to use DE to confirm. And, honestly, I needed your validation because I didn’t trust my intuition nor my own experience. Now I trust.

5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how these things happen and how they work.

My experience tells me there’s no me that does any of these things. And in my experience it sure feels like these things are happening or being ‘done’. Sometimes there’s a correlation between a decision that’s made and an outcome but I can’t know if correlation equals causation I only have my experience, I can’t go ‘outside’ my experience to see the big picture, everything is my experience. It may be countless prior and present conditions and conditioning of the subconscious but how can anybody possibly know? I’m fine with the mystery because there’s no other choice. I don’t know how it works and what a relief that not knowing is!

b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.

‘I’ am responsible for everything and there’s no ‘I’. But “I” am also not to blame. Shit happens, there’s response and adaptation and there’s love and there’s only experience, an opening in the chest. I can’t explain it - it sounds all jumbled but that’s where I’m at right now.

6) Anything to add?

I’m not sleeping well these past couple of weeks. My life is noisy and busy with immediate family and grandkids so apparently the middle of the night is the best time for all my shit to present itself. It’s all good, I’m sorting out the thoughts, feelings, and sensations - lots of anxiety, sadness, and also excitement. Feeling into the body and questioning thoughts

[Windaway]

Hello Deanna,

The natural process is that other guides look at your answers and ask clarification questions.

They have those questions for you:

Are some thoughts/beliefs more cherished than others - are there any that Deanna does not dare look into even after completing the exploration?

Are there any stories that refuse to be challenged right now?

About the reality of challenges in Deanna's life?

Deanna's body?

Deanna's awakening?

[DeannaMP]

Are some thoughts/beliefs more cherished than others - are there any that Deanna does not dare look into even after completing the exploration?

I don’t believe that exploration is ever completed which is probably one of those cherished thought/beliefs that I haven’t looked at, lol. I can think of some that I haven’t considered looking at yet. One belief is that family is the most important thing in my life. This belief is not associated with any discomfort or charge so it’s “benign”. But it’s not off the table to look at. My intention is to look at everything regardless of how cherished or benign.

Are there any stories that refuse to be challenged right now?

Probably! I have a sense that there are thoughts and beliefs that are so deep, old, and automatic that they are just below awareness. I’m curious about that. Maybe the subconscious is protecting these beliefs. But still, my intention is to question everything.

About the reality of challenges in Deanna's life?

Life is pretty sweet right now! Yet everything is ‘grist for the mill’. I have faced life challenges in the past - terminal illnesses of loved ones - head on.

Deanna's body?

There’s lots of thoughts and beliefs concerning Deanna’s body! I’m questioning those.

Deanna's awakening?

This is why I am here on this forum. I want my assumptions to be known and questioned. I worry about self delusion. I know there’s a tendency to get lazy when life is easy and everything is great. I need community to keep me honest.

[Windaway]

Hello Deanna,

You officially cross the gateless gate.

I will send you an e-mail with more information.

Meanwhile, do you have any questions or comments?

Take care

David

[DeannaMP]

Thank you, David, for everything. I will definitely join the Facebook group and the zoom meetings.

I am also interested in the Somatic Therapy you wrote about on your website.

Sincerely,
Deanna

[Windaway]

Hello Deanna,

My pleasure.
Thank you for your trust and willingness to engage in such exploration.

You can reach me directly here or by email.

Take care ^^

David