Ready to look inside me

[Kittie]

My name is 'Kittie' and i need guidance. I'm 24 and i've been searching peace and lightness almost my hole life. I've tried to fill that empty feeling with material stuff, food, alcohol, etc.. It didn't help, it just made me feel more lost than before.. Then came yoga and meditation, but still something is missing..
Now I've been reading "gateless gatecrashers" -book. Everything seems so clear and obvious, but i cannot feel it. This is frustrating..
Help me see trought the gate!

Love,
Kittie

[vinceschubert]

Hi Kittie, vince here.

Everything seems so clear and obvious, but i cannot feel it.

Kittie, tell me what you expect about feeling it ?

[Kittie]

Morning Vince,

Good guestion. I honestly don't know, maybe i was waiting for some kind of relief inside of me.. Hmmh.. and yep, i seriously don't know what to do. Can you help me?

Love,
Kittie

[vinceschubert]

Ok, let's set some guidelines.
We'll try and post at least once per day.
You will not introduce anything you have read or heard elsewhere. Use only your own experiencing.
Respond quickly and without editing, even for spelling mistakes. Don't worry about what it looks like. There is no right or wrong here.
You will be 120% honest and open with what you think and feel, again no changing what comes up. The first thoughts that arise are the ones we want.
OK ?

i seriously don't know what to do.

I know this might sound strange, but there is nothing to do.
i'll go so far at to say "Don't DO anything"

maybe i was waiting

Waiting is about the future. Nothing happens in the future. When it happens it will be NOW.

some kind of relief inside of me

Everybody is unique. What happens is different for everybody. There is no point even thinking about how it might be for you.

Can you help me?

The only people who don't get liberated from the delusion of a self are those who quit. So on that note, please commit to staying with this for as long as it takes.
Kittie, think about this; We are not going to take away anything. What you take as your self is an illusion. We are simply going to see this. We will see how this delusion distorts reality and causes all of your suffering.
This is a discovery.
i will ask questions that will position you so that you get into a position to discover what was aways the case.
First question; Kittie, what came to mind when you read the above ?

[Kittie]

It feels like omg what am i doing here.
some part of me wants to run away and hide all of this, but then i realize that my life will continue as so far.. If i dont see whats there, i will be unhappy. I'm ready to spend time here as much as needed. In a moment i cannot even read any books. i'm just ..mmh.. staring at the wall or blue sky.. So this hole thing makes me scared, but i still want it. I cannot stay like this anymore, i'm full of myself. And been many time thinking about dead. What part of me wants do die? Some part of me just drives me crazy some moments. So yes, i'm committed to look inside me and be here as long as needed.

I'm going to honest even though it might feel hard and see that theres no wrong answers. I don't care now what everyone else thinks. This for me, not for anyone else.

[vinceschubert]

It feels like omg what am i doing here.
some part of me wants to run away and hide

This is great, it means that fear is trying to protect you from something that it believes might happen.
What is the first thing that comes to mind ? What might it be trying to protect you from Kittie ?

my life will continue as...

Kittie, tell me about who's life will continue ? Tell me about the "my" that owns the life ?
Where is it ?
What does it look like ?
Does it have control of what happens ?

[Kittie]

The first thing that comes to my mind is "hmmh.. is this really so big deal..?" .. In a moment, everything seems really not-scary.. Who wants to protect me from kittie, i dont know. Id like to think there's this little 'evil' me but where...? I dont knoe where to touch to show you where it lives..
True, whos life will continue, it's not that little evil me. who who who..i cannot find this "i", there's no place where it could be. so if its not "my".. there's nothing, it just body and it cannot control what happens. so what takes care of this life. .life it self?

[vinceschubert]

You got it in 1, Kittie.
So tell me is there a self ?
Was there ever ?

so what takes care of this life. .life it self?

Yes, you got that one first time too. Excellent.

Kittie, are you able to trust that what needs to happen, will happen. That life is perfectly capable of taking care of everything ?

How does self work for those who haven't seen through the illusion ?
How did it start ?

[Kittie]

Self.. Self.. Damn it, vince! Where is it.. Was it there ever.. If there's no me in this moment, it's never been there!

Yep, life will take care of us. Life will go just the way life wants it to go. I cannot deside where i'm going to or what happens. Weird feelings goes trought the body.

Self tries to show that it's your best friend and you can trust it. Makes you feel sad, mad, desperate.. Says that you can control your life and there's no way that life takes care of it self. There's no now moment, there's only your past and your future, nothing real. Just illusions. Just thoughts which won't take you to inner peace and freedom.
In the beginning there's this life without me, then you are part of the society and see that this is where you have to be something like this or that, you have to do that and that. this is the road for everyone to walk alone, you have to see what life is without freedom, after that you can really respect that you know the truth.

[vinceschubert]

Kittie, How does it feel to see this?

How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion.

What was the last bit that tipped you over, that triggered the 'seeing' ?

[Kittie]

I've been repeating my self couple days now: "what the f*ck..?"... i just cant understand this. mmh. life feels easy and everything makes sense. I dont feel my self as a center of the universe, i'm just part of this planet, just one sun ray. Maybe the most wonderfull thing is that i've realized that i really cannot plan life, it's going to be just the way life wants it, no one is asking my opinion. i'll respect that and take everything open-minded what life wants to show me. I dont have to worry about any more about anything, i know that it doesnt matter what i decide or plan, life have better plans for me. Hmmh intresting.
There's lot of things i've always feel right: life just is and what happens happens, we're here just a few moment, we are just part of this dance of life. It's always been there, but i've kind a thought it's wrong, is life really taking care of me? Now i realized, damn kittie, life seriously will take care of me and there's no doubt about it! It is free to think like i've always thought life would be..
Today i met my childhood friends and saw that they are trying to make life to be what they've planned, eheh, not really good results.. And my life, wow, we'll see where roads are taking me, i dont have to worry, what a relief!

[vinceschubert]

Sound good Kittie.
This is a beginning, the start of a process that (perhaps) will never end.
Your last post certainly answered the first question, but you missed the second two.

How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion.

What was the last bit that tipped you over, that triggered the 'seeing' ?

[Kittie]

i'd describe that 'me' is an illusion, there's is no way to show that 'I' is here. No on can prove it. It's not your body, not your mind, there is no 'me' inside of us. so 'i' is just a thought, nothing else. Like all the other thoughts 'i' is not real and if 'i' is not real, there is no 'i'. If you look at your past, you can see that there's no way you decided what you are going to do and which way, things just happens and what happens happens.. and because 'I' is not making you to feel oneness with life, you feel separete,empty and lonely. Why dont you just see where life takes you and not try to fight back..? You can learn the lessons of life in a harder way or easier..

trigger was, hmmh, eh life it self. Body was just doing things and 'I' wasnt there, 'i' wasnt driving the car and 'i' wasnt washing the dishes. There's no need for 'i', life still continues and it's so much easier.

[vinceschubert]

Kittie, there is a tradition here at Liberation Unleashed that 3 people other than your guide, confirm that you are through the 'gate'.
While we are waiting for that to happen, you need to understand that this is just a beginning.
A de-conditioning process has started where the old habits (of relating from a position of self) will be seen. Once seen, these habits will weaken and disappear.
Anyway, lots of this kind of processing happens in Unleashed, so friend me on Facebook and i will invite you to join. https://www.facebook.com/vince.schubert
Here is another forum that can be helpful for the newly liberated.http://liberationunleashed.com/nation/v ... m.php?f=30
and a small doc worth reading here; http://liberationunleashed.com/PDF/Awakened.pdf
and a great video here; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Biv_8xjj8E

[Kittie]

ouh, i didnt realiza that this was it. :)
Thank you Vince for helping to see.

I sended you a friend request.

Love,
Anna 'Kittie'