The last few days I've experienced strong resistance - distraction, boredom, doubt, fear, confusion, frustration. My perspective seems to be constantly changing. I can go from experiencing peace and contentment to negative emotions in the blink of an eye. Every time I think that I need to write this response I feel lost and like I've gone backwards, that I just don't know what you're talking about anymore, that this is pointless. OR I decide to write about all the negativity I'm feeling and suddenly feel completely different, am totally aware that it was the ego talking and feeling all of this negativity, and that actually I feel wonderful.
Again I feel like I'm missing something vital. I've become aware of expectations concerning enlightenment. I'm expecting/hoping for/needing some tangible shift to occur. NOW! On the other hand I'm aware that this process cannot happen over night. Aargh! Backwards and forwards.
Can you truly believe that you are a separated from life, from the whole entity with its own show, that is independent of what is happening around?
I can see that as a biological organism this body and all bodies are simply part of life, like all the individual birds or trees etc.
Every form is interdependent. My body depends on the sun, the atmosphere, the trees, the whole ecosystem. It is all part of the whole. All made of the same thing. Tiny cells densely or loosely packed together, made of life itself. Interconnected.
Is it fair to say that we all start off as the same thing? The seed of life in each and every one is the same, but dependent on conditioning (genetics, upbringing, etc.) will grow into a unique being?
And what is not happening on automatic, by itself?
Although I can see on one level that we can't choose our thoughts (otherwise we would never choose negative thoughts) it's hard for me to accept that something isn't making the decisions. E.g. sometimes I can start thinking about something, realise that it is not a useful train of thought, so stop myself thinking about it. It's possible that the whole process is just happening without any control by me, but it doesn't feel like it.
Also it leaves me confused about this enlightenment journey. Why is it all happening? If everything happens by itself then why do I need a guide, or to constantly be consumed by the topic?
I've had so many insights over the past few months. Huge potentially life changing experiences, however essentially nothing has changed. I feel disheartened. I'm doubting the experiences. Despite feeling really excited just last week after watching your videos, I've started finding myself slipping back into old habits which I dropped when I first found this subject, such as wasting time playing meaningless games on my phone. It's like I got really close to something but now something in me has given up. The sense of control comes in when I ask myself 'should you not be doing something more useful instead?' It feels like I have to make myself stick with this subject at the moment. I'm feeling bored with it all. I'm thinking very familiar thoughts like 'you're never going to get this anyway' and a sense of despair. I'm tired. If I come from the perspective of 'I have no control' it all seems pointless and I think I'm obviously not supposed to get it anyway.
Why would all of this be happening automatically? Or why would I be choosing these thoughts if it isn't automatic? Neither makes sense to me.
That's just a small insight into the state of my mind at the moment! Hope you can make some sense of it!
With much gratitude x