Your last message was very helpful and in a way quite reassuring.
I am struggling to explain this. It's definitely not a sound, color, physical sensation, taste, or smell. The experience is a kind of thought, but it has a feeling of action to it. Maybe it's just a different kind of thought: "choose this."What is it that the label ‘impulse’ or ‘energy’ is applied to?
Is it a sound? Color? Sensation? Taste? Smell? Thought?
What is the actual experience of ‘impulse’ or ‘energy’?
So I am using "energy" in a funny way, I realize. I think all thoughts are energy, but let's call that speculation for now. What I am labeling as "energy" is like a feeling that this thought is going a certain way: Now I'm thinking about X. Now I'm going to do Y.Energy appears in a thought? Is that even possible?
Please look very carefully… what is it that you label as ‘energy’?
If I look very closely, it's quite rare that I have a thought "I'm going to do something" before I actually do it. 95% of the time, maybe 99% of the time, I just do something. Or a thought just happens.
Rarely, a thought appears: "Need to decide." Or "Deciding to do this." And then the body acts, or the next thought appears triggered by the decision thought.
Well you asked me how this choosing FEELS, so I am struggling to answer. It doesn't have a feeling in the way we defined feeling earlier (as a sensation of taste, touch, vision, etc). It doesn't have an emotion (a thought label saying "sad" or "excited" or whatever).OK. So now you are saying that this energy is FELT, so it cannot be in a thought.
So what is exactly that is FELT what you label as ‘impulse/energy/push’?
I think there is something different about this kind of thought but I can't say how exactly. If you weren't asking me how it feels, I would say it's just another thought.
Well this is an analogy I've seen before and last night, for the first time, it actually made sense to me. I understood it. It's a trick of grammar!We say “It’s raining” – where is this ‘it’? Water is simply falling.
Or, “The wind is blowing” – but is there a wind somewhere that is doing the blowing? Or air just moving without anyone or anything doing it?
We also say “I’m thinking” – but is there really an ‘I’ that is doing something or are thoughts simply arising? Have a look and see.
In 99% of the cases thoughts are simply arising/appearing. There's no self there and no need for a self. And that's okay!
It's that last 1% where I'm still hanging on to the idea of some kind of "deciding" happening, and that's mostly because these thoughts "feel" different somehow - I think? - but I can't describe how right now.
Mostly I'm happy to say: Nothing, no, and nobody. :)What are you doing right now for all this to be?
Are you making this happen or all this already is?
Is there an actual doer? Is there anyone letting this happen or not happen?
It's all just happening, and I don't need to do anything or "let" anything happen.
It's like when someone says "you have great hair," and I'm like, thank you? Except I had nothing to do with it, it just grows like that. Or "you are a good writer," and I want to say that it's just how my brain works, and the fact that I had good teachers for many years, so really I'm just lucky - I don't feel like there's any way I can take credit for that either.
Similarly, most of the time I can see that I'm thinking about a red car because, I don't know, a bunch of conditions came together to make "red car" thoughts appear. I didn't decide that, and I didn't do anything!
But occasionally I still feel like this: Wow, I shouldn't have gotten angry at that person. I need to do better at being mindful about my emotions. And in those cases, the thought appears, but it's got a "should" attached to it, and that "should" seems to be pointing at someone.
Or "I need to decide whether to get up and make dinner, or keep typing this message to Vivien."
On the other hand, I could say "It should stop raining now," or "It needs to decide whether it's going to keep raining or not." And it would be meaningless, because there's nobody to stop raining or keep raining. :) It'll rain as long as there are conditions right for rain to fall out of the sky, and once those conditions change, it'll stop raining.