I hope you will forgive me for not posting for three weeks. I got home and my boiler was broken, freezing flat and no hot water…. I have had a new boiler fitted now but got ill when I first got home and then when I was better had to deal with a backlog of other stuff… Anyway, enough excuses, I am now spending the day committed to ‘looking’.
Look in your direct experience and see if there is someone REALLY there?
In my direct experience, without thinking, just looking, I don't see 'someone' producing the thoughts or making the decisions or doing the typing, I see the whole thing sort of happening and I see myself doing a lot of things without any sort of 'input' from me. I just function and thoughts just come. I don't always like the thoughts but I can't stop them, I can ignore them and they quieten down a bit and I can let my mind go blank, but the thoughts are still there and will come back eventually. I don't think there is a little person inside me making this happen, I don't know how this happens.
What is this that writes "I' have the thought that 'I' didn’t like 'my' choice"
I don’t know the process by which the thoughts turn into written words. I just think the words and my fingers type it out. I’m not deciding to have these thoughts, they just come up. I don’t know what it is that does the writing. It sort of feels automatic. I just write, I have the thought and my fingers type out the words. The typing is automatic.
What is this that knows?
The knowing bit just is. It’s not like I need to turn it on or open up something. As for what is it that knows, I have no idea! I just sort of "know" things.
Where is its location precisely?
I have no idea! It’s not as if there is a part of me that I can see doing 'knowing', there are thoughts and I don't know where they come from.
Who or what don't like the desicion been made?
Again, I have no idea where this comes from, it’s not a who or what, it’s just a thought that comes up. There is no who or what attached to the thought, it’s a thought about the negative consequences of a decision.
Where is its location precisely?
It’s not as if there is a part of me that I can see pumping out dislike of decisions, I just feel uncomfortable about something and thoughts are coming to me about negative stuff to do with my decision.
Who or what sees that " the not liking the decision is a thought."
I do! Whatever I am. I gets thoughts coming up and I ‘see’ the thoughts. I’ve just had a thought come up regarding this answer, the thought is “I don’t think Luchana will like this answer, it looks like thinking not looking but it is what seems to happen!”. I didn't ask for a thought about this, it just floated in from somewhere, I didn't try to summon it and I couldn't stop it from appearing.
I let my mind go blank, stop thinking or don’t pay attention to the thoughts and wait. The thoughts come and the thoughts go but they are there. My mind can be silent for a while, no thoughts, but the thoughts come back eventually. I don’t know what I am and I don’t know how the thoughts come to be but it seems like I don't really control any of this, not the thoughts appearing, not the typing (and that does feel like it's completely automatic).
I am really sorry that I have not been posting, I have been in a bad way and busy but things are back on an even keel now. I am away next week from now until the 16th February but will be able to post every day from Monday the 17th February until Wednesday 8th April. I am then away from the 8th April until the 16th April. After this I am at home until the 1st May when I will be away until the 10th May. After that I have no commitments. Assuming I don’t get ill again I will be able to post every day apart from the days I’m away and probably a day either side of the trips. I hope this will be acceptable for you? I sincerely apologise for not posting for three weeks and I hope my new timescale is acceptable for you?
I am sorry, I feel like I’ve let you down! I hope you will persevere with me as I would really like to ‘get there’ with this.
Much love to you, Jason x