You did some nice looking.
I don't understand why it is so clear, at times, that there is NO person/I here, an "I" keeps re-appearing. How to stop that illusion, or stop identifying with it?
The illusion doesn’t need to be stopped. And it WON’T stop.
It’s enough to see that it’s just an illusion.
But it doesn’t mean that the illusion will never be believed or be taken as reality ever again. It WILL!
The illusion still can be taken as a reality (probably more often than one would expect), and the self could seem to be very real
. But when it looked at closely, it’s clear that there is nothing there.
Gratitude for clearer seeing, and a vague sense of sadness that was related to another vague thought/belief that things/people won't mean very much to me anymore.
There is a misunderstanding here. People and things will still mean the same, however it can be seen that this meaning is just added a thought overlay. But this added overlay won’t go away. Everything will go on just as now.
Seeing no self is just a shift in perception, like with these images bellow. As if you were seeing only in one way for your whole life, and now there’s a shift, and you can see from a different perspective. But you can still see the original, old version too. From now on, you can switch back and forth between the two.
It’s similar when you’re watching a movie which is so enchanting that you completely forget that you’re in a movie theatre, sitting in a chair, watching images projected onto the screen. It totally seems like and feels like as if you’re in scenes of the movie together with the characters. And then suddenly, you ‘wake up’ from this illusion. But the movie will still go on. You just discover that the whole movie is just a fantasy. But the movie will go on, it won’t stop appearing. So there is only a perception shift. This is the same with seeing through the self.
i also think i fear not knowing what "my" experience of life will be after awakening.....
First, you won’t have an awakening, since there is NO YOU that could experience an awakening or awakening could happen TO.
Secondly, awakening is NOT a one-time event, but rather a gradual process. This process can last for the end of the organism. Seeing through the self is just the first step, so nothing major will happen. It’s just a shift in perception as with the images above. So there is nothing to fear about.
How can i stay in THAT place of LOOKING? Or, why can "I" see something so clearly, but then be right back where i started?
The point of this investigation is NOT to stay in a constant place of looking. That would be just a state, and we are not after states. States come and go, they cannot be sustained indefinitely.
Even after looking through the self, falling for the illusion can happen much more often than one might expect. It can last for even hours several times during the day. And why? It’s because every time an emotion is triggered (by some circumstances or because of certain thoughts coming up), the self is activated. So whenever there is frustration, wanting or not wanting something, expecting something, having anger, resentment, feeling hurt, disliking something / somebody, etc. the self is there immediately. Since all these emotions are on behalf of the self. And after seeing no-self, all these conditioned issues need to be worked through, otherwise whenever these emotions arise the self comes with them. Humans are very often triggered (many-many times a day) and those triggering reactions can last from minutes to hours or even day or longer, meaning that the self is there and believed to be real for minutes, hours or days while those triggered reactions are functioning.
Taking the self as real, is also a conditioned habit of thinking. It’s a habit of the ‘mind’. It’s the result of a life-long conditioning. But upon each looking it gets a little bit weaker and weaker.
but "I" think 'I'd" rather be done
There is NO YOU that could be done.
And seeing through the self is not the end, but just the beginning.
Please let me know what comes up after reading my comments.
What is it exactly that is paying or not paying attention to the content of thoughts?
Apparently a 'noticer' appears when i pay attention to the contents of thoughts and disregard/forget to LOOK at AE.
What is it exactly that is disregarding or forgetting to look at AE?