The Pendulum

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Fri Nov 01, 2019 1:06 pm

There has been a lot of inner conflict, my whole system has been fighting itself almost constantly. I guess lately I've been going through a dark night of the soul.

I can see there's more to control than just trying to understand, the effort to control seems to manifest in many different ways. At first there was the realization, and it seemed like something had dropped away, but later on, there was still that knowing that there was no control, but there would still be lots of internal conflict, and eventually there would just be a lot of suffering and depression, possibly due to knowing I have no control. So it almost seems like there was one layer of control that was woken up out of, but there was still this deeper, sort of, unconscious layer of control and struggle.

You know it's kinda like, if I don't have control over whether there is effort to try and control or not, or if there is no control over whether there is struggle or toxic thoughts or emotions, then, well I guess it doesn't really make sense to say, but it's sort of obvious it's not me.

Right now the whole system is sort just, bugged out, it's like a super glitchy computer. The whole system is in conflict with itself. Honestly there's a lot of conflict and confusion.

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Ilona
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Ilona » Mon Nov 18, 2019 8:40 am

Hi Andreas.

How is it going? Has anything resolved itself? what are the questions that are being asked?
Is there anything to understand?

Sorry I was absent.. but I’m here.

Love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Wed Dec 04, 2019 11:41 pm

Oh, no worries. Well, there's not much to say anymore. I imagine things may be worse than they have ever been, all of a sudden I found myself backstage, and now I'm screwed. Like, it's all good, and i don't really have enough fucks to give other than to say I gotta get out of this country and get to India. Enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough.

In any case, thank you for the guidance, I apologize for possibly seeming a bit indifferent, but yea, I'm just gonna see if I can figure out how get to India, wherever the hell I'm supposed to go.

I guess it would make more sense if i said it's about yoga and all that jazz. But yea, I'm fried, I'm done. I'm out. Enough. It's time for me to leave.

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Wed Dec 04, 2019 11:45 pm

I guess I should thank you properly though, thanks for the little nudge here and there. I guess it wouldn't have happened if we had never met. Thank you

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Thu Dec 05, 2019 2:25 am

Fuck, I don't know where in India to go... I actually don't even know if it's in India. Shit. I know I have to go somewhere but I don't know where it is... How am I supposed to explain it, my entire being is burning and something is calling me, I know there's somewhere I need to be and things to do and learn, not just enjoy oneness, this is beyond me, but I don't where to go. I don't know what to do. I know what I need to do but I don't know what it is and I don't know where to find it... This was never about fun and games, Apparently I was simply not completely aware of it, and I'm tired, I'm fed up, I can't go on, and I know there is something I have to do. Shit....Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Fuck. Fuck. God fucking goddamn it I swear to god I am fucking not sitting here for the rest of my life sitting on a fucking cloud. Fuck... God I just can't say fuck loudly enough through writing, seriously, fuck. Fucking fuck for gods sake how can I not even express the amounts of fucks right now... fuck... god fucking dammit. Christ I think I'm going to fucking explode... I can't talk about this, this country will think I've gone insane and they'll put me in a psychiatry ward, the answer isn't here in Norway, we have no respect nor knowledge of what's in India. If make a wrong move, I might just end up in a psychiatry ward, so right this is no longer just something to help me out of the darkness, I can't ignore the truth now, and so I can't stay here, I have leave everything behind and I'm going to have to search for whatever it is I'm looking for. Like, it's life or death now, that's it. I have no other way to explain it...

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Thu Dec 05, 2019 2:42 am

Where do I go, who can I trust... How do I know what they're saying is true... So many fucking books, not a single person that's able to see through my bullshit except myself in retrospect. Not a single person I can talk to, but I know there's someone out there that can help me with this. I mean, yoga, duh, but obviously, I mean, healing sure, truth not even worth asking if I value it anymore, though it is, but my life isn't my own anymore, if it's not true may I burn to ash. I don't give a damn how much pain or suffering I have to go through to do what I need to do. I don't know what it is, but I have to do it. Fuck. Fuck it all to godforsaken fucking oblivion, I'm am so fucking done with this, I seriously don't give a shit if I fucking die, I don't care if I'm killed or robbed or even the unspeakable, I don't fucking care anymore, I'm done, I have to do something... But I don't know what to do. What the fuck am I supposed to do, what can I possibly do about this... Shit, I actually really need some help, I am so fucking ignorant it's just beyond staggering. Christ almighty. Just, fuck. Fuck

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Thu Dec 05, 2019 4:21 am

Alright, ok, I obviously know what I need to do. Yoga, to be blunt. At least that's where I need to start. I need to find a way to heal this mind and body so that whatever that is going to happen can happen. I managed to enjoy the bliss of Nirvana for myself for a good while, wonderful, but there is an entirely different reality underlying the surface of all things, and I am so pissed off I can't even convey. I need to know what I need to know. Absolutely everything that is possible to inquire into, I just have to know what really going on, oneness, waking up out of oneness, that's not it. Oh, I forgot to mention I was born again. But that's not it, of course that's always it, but it's not, that's not... Shit, right, I forgot. I understand spiritual healing now and I did it unconsciously on my grandma and I sort, kinda, dropped a seed, because she's dying. I told her I love to simply give everything I am to the eternal ever present silence in the backdrop of all reality, I told her silence is at rest, not that it was important to me, it was just, I can't just say, grandma, give yourself up to silence, I had to, sort of, meet her where she was at, and I couldn't say it overtly. And she thought about it and said that actually sounds just lovely, seeing she's weak and dying, I don't know, maybe she'll find rest on her own. I held her hand and without realizing it i had done something. I noticed there was a link between my presence and her reaction, I've always known. I've seen it so many times but never did I know. But the thing was, I don't know what i did, and after i left the hospital I really started to panic, I did not think something like this would happen. I can see it now, it's so clear, never did I realize how... Extraordinarily dangerous and powerful this vehicle is, and I'm actually afraid, I'm afraid of what might happen to other people because of what's happened to me. I'm afraid to touch people... This isn't funny, I mean, I did not mean for this to happen... Things like this are not meant to be utilized by foolish people, this is seriously serious. seriously.... fuck...

I mean, how do I even begin to speak about each and every tree in the forest, that was one tree, and I've been walking for a good long while now. For some reason I just playfully said "om", next thing I know my brain has exploded. I read one sentence of the dharma, and I am seeing, something akin to a supernova, with the eyes of the Buddha himself, and the he's looking back at me while I read, everywhere i see him, everywhere the light of god is shining through. There have been times now, where I have been more high than is physically possible on the relative plain of existence, I was so high I did not even know I was high, next thing I know I wondered what on earth was seeing the last though, and next thing I know, I am falling a thousand meters from the sky, laughing hysterically. But that's all bullshit! It says nothing, great story but, you know, I didn't have that awesome vacation you had this summer, same thing. Great pictures though by the way. All sacred, all one, but you know, there is an individual, impermanent, no self, so on and so forth, there is experience, and the brain is alone. There is an ape here, and it seems something profoundly significant is going on, and the brain can't make sense of it whatsoever. It knows it can't, everything is backwards, and I have never had more fun in my life, I am so inexpressibly in love with reality I cannot even fathom the sheer immensity of it, nor the truth of it. Never in my life have I humbly thanked god for allowing me to be a human being, never did I know what was to come of a prayer, I have known nothing of life. Nothing. How could one possibly profess ones love for truth. So far, i have not found a way to express it even close to adequately, nor even close to the actual astronomical immensity of it. All I can do, is listen to the silent song of reality, and I can do nothing but be overwhelmed by sheer bliss, so blissful, my brain can't actually handle it. It just blows a fuse, can't take it, it's too much...

But yea, all of time is mixed up, but I said "om" and now I have to go to India. That was today actually. I've been completely blown to smithereens. And yea, I guess whatever is going to happen, is going to happen, but I sense the answer lies in India. Somewhere, I can't be sure, but it's possible. Something, something is calling out to me, and I have to know what it is. There is something I have to do but I don't know what it is, something, something else, it doesn't feel like a decision, I don't give a fuck about yoga, but I know I have to go, and I certainly have to learn how to heal this damned thing, so it can help people. It's not just yoga though, it's everything, Sanskrit all the rest, I just have to know what I don't know... Christ... Fuck I just can't fucking understand what it is. Fuck. Oh well...

In any case, I've completely lost it. I don't know where i am, and I don't know what's up or down, it's all backwards, and it just gets more and more interesting, I am just so fucking in love, my life is a catastrophe and I love it. But now I need to learn to breath, cool down, and I have to actually do something sensible. Which, I guess is, go to India. Fuck.

But, I might as well just breath for now. Not much gets better than that. Besides listening maybe. Sorry for the long text, I've been living in isolation for quite a few months now and it's just really nice to be able to actually write to someone about, at least something, I just love so much I don't know what to do. To think someone like me, could have been so blessed all along. I cannot express my gratitude for life enough... But enough is enough. Eventually all has already been said without a word uttered, and it's time to go to bed. Again sorry for so much writing, it's just really fun sometimes to write pretty words. Anyways, it's 420 in the morning, so I guess that means a bong rip and sleep.

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Thu Dec 05, 2019 4:02 pm

Ok, well, got some rest, but right b4 that, Ram Dass killed it. I was profoundly interested, and still am, but he killed the joy of it... Just such profoundly damaging poetry. Thanks to that I understand that what I'm looking for is not religion, though that may have a part to play, nor experiences. They talk about the path to god, but I don't agree, that's just ridiculous to think there is such a thing as a path to. One step is not one step away from nor towards god. So how can one walk the path to god? That's not what this is about. We walk and think, speak and act, from the truth of all that is divinity itself, not towards it. A revelation or realization is not the end, it's all about how one is to relate with life at this point. What is the movement of that which we call love and truth? The truth awake within oneself? Are we living from the truth? This is what I'm interested in really.

I tried going about this through art, and while that is all well and good, that doesn't seem to be the right way to go about doing at this point in time, maybe later, but there's is stuff I need to look into long before I can walk through the world of art. Because of my fervent love and interest for music, I ended up stumbling upon some Indian philosophy on music. I think that might have been the spark that got me hooked on whatever this is. Which, is really quite clear, is nothing more than more seeking. But I realized, the mind and body are nothing but an instrument, and if the instrument is damaged, it's important to do something about it, because illness is a massive liability in living an awakened life.

Yoga seems to me to be a way in which to fully come in touch with life and reality as we know it, in one sense, from one way of looking and being. There is keen awareness of breath and movement, and so on, and to me, that seems very similar to learning how to play an instrument and coming to know the nature of it. Not only does it seem to help one learn to live from the realization of truth, it also helps one on the path to true enlightenment. Which seems to me, is not being aware of the idea or concept of truth, it's being lived from silently. Going from knowing to being.

But there seems to be one aspect of yoga that seems very much prevalent, and that is healing. I've unknowingly been brushing off my own profoundly disturbing mental illnesses, which holds no sense nor reason. Nothing but a redundant pattern, that does nothing but cause deep pain and suffering. Knowing I cannot be damaged, I cannot be destroyed, living from that truth, there is equanimity, but the human organism is so badly damaged, and so profoundly disturbed at times, and so there's this predicament. I will always love truth, and I have seen very few things. I know, even though there is such sheer immensity to what has been now been lived and experienced, it cannot even remotely be conveyed. I have seen enough now to know I know practically nothing. Zero. I don't think I've actually even managed to learn to walk yet. I'm young, I'm dumb, I'm ignorant and indolent, and even though I have been deeply impacted by so many teachings, and I have come to know the sacred knowledge that is it at the heart of reality itself. Even though Nirvana and Samsara are seen as they are, one and the same. It seems true healing, does not simply come from intelligence, wisdom, love, compassion, nor deep realization of truth. It's not so simple, if it were so simple, we would not call it an illness. It would be nothing but a scratch or a cut, which naturally heals itself. But if we are to talk about even mildly disturbing mental illnesses. Suicidal depression, schizophrenia, psychosis, generalized or social anxiety, social phobia, OCD, the list goes on and on. There may be peace and equanimity, and the truth comes with a certain sense of, what I truly am, cannot die nor be touched nor harmed. But that is not sufficient in order to heal and be able to live a healthy life in service to others. That cannot be true enlightenment. True enlightenment to me, seems to entail many many different things. Seemingly endless. For the Buddha, his primary question was, what is the truth of suffering, what is one to do about it. I guess, for others, it would be the search for god, unity, truth, love, and all that is divine. The search for oneself. So on and so forth.

I guess if there is not an issue in your life, that prevents you from living from your truest nature, then that is wonderful. But, for those who must deal with the lingering question of illness, not only my own but others as well, there is the question of how to go about healing. And I have a chance here, this illness that can't be avoided, this great suffering that cannot be understood, may be my best chance to see even further into the nature of suffering and illness, and from a completely different place, and a completely different way, than the Buddha. And I may just find some way to relate with this as a doctor would with a patient. No matter how severe, no matter if it is an unknown illness, so painful one can't even utter the words, which is the case. If I can become my own doctor and heal myself, then anyone on this planet can heal. But a Buddha is not necessarily a doctor, and a doctor is not necessarily a Buddha. Awakening up out of dreaming, and profound realization of the nature of reality, and even living it, is not the same thing as dealing with a mental illness that is not primarily caused by the normal function of the thinking mind. Psychological corruption, schizofrenia, symptoms of psychosis, brain damage, severe trauma, ptsd, I mean, for those that don't have to deal with it, it doesn't seem to really be that much of a problem. But I have to deal with all those things. And it is not to simple as one would like to believe, it is not so much a matter of who or what I am anymore, that is always with me, whether it is a clear blue sky or a cloudy, stormy day. Now it is a matter of life and death, and what to do about this absolutely immense suffering caused by illness, so profound one cannot even fathom the depths hell one experiences. I have truly lived hell, and I know, hell also is seemingly endless. I'm aware, of how unspeakably... I mean there aren't even words to convey, how beyond even this material reality, the infinitely deep the horrors of hell are. I have been there, and I am still very much wounded, and so now it is my job, to find some way to tend to my wounds. And when that is done with, the only thing left to, is turn around and walk straight back into hell, so I can help the others. Myself. The Buddha does not hold these answers, the key to this is not no-self nor simply meditating, it really is not to simple and convenient as one would like to think. I haven't found the key to unlocking this mystery yet, even after this tremendous journey. But I have a good feeling, what I may be looking for, may just lie within the heart of yoga. There is much much more to be explored and to be learned and lived, and so for me, this is not true enlightenment yet. I may now have enough strength to stand and walk, and now, I must walk, I must deal with this issue of what to do about severe mental illness. I cannot let this go, I cannot forget my brothers and sisters who must face the very same hell I have had to go through, I can't forget their pain, I literally just am unable to forget how profoundly painful it is to live in this world, to be of it. I have to help, I have to do something, I have help myself so I can help the others. No one knows. So few know, almost no one, except those themselves that have to go through it, know the hell of psychiatry, that is beyond profound. The most extraordinarily intelligent men and women of the modern age, cannot make sense of it, they know nothing of the truth behind the surface layer of reality. They don't know what to do, and they can do nothing but give people drugs and communication. But I do, I know it. I've lived through it. I know exactly what a psychosis is, I know the ways of delusion in and out because I myself had to navigate through the hell of psychosis, without one single person that could help me along the way. I have come to know the inner workings of schizophrenia, and I have learned to live with it and relate to it in a way that does seemingly zero damage, whilst using psychoactive substances. I don't know if you could understand how profound this is, and what this could mean to the world of medical research, and how many lives this could potentially save if fully realized: this is life and death, the difference between heaven and hell for those that have to go through it. Real sentient human lives, every life profoundly sacred, and god is truly in the depths of despair, and I just cannot forget, not this time. I can't do it. There must be a way for all these people that modern medicine cannot heal, I know it, I just know it, I can do something about this, I know in the core of very existence, that there must be a way to come terms with this issue of mental illness, all mental illness, and I cannot for a second, believe that there is not something that can be done about this absolute horror. I cannot fathom it.

I don't know how I do it, but I have beaten the odds, I hit the astronomical jackpot. I woke up out of mental illness and learned to live with it through learning the truth of my own being, and it's not the awakening that's important, it's the insight into the inner working of the mind and hell. I learned how to navigate through the landscape of hell. And I know, that I can help others, but first I must come to terms with it myself, and I have to go far beyond what I and what the modern scientific world knows. This is a completely different way of looking at reality, and the west does not even know of it's existence. There is just so much, that we just do not know, and we don't even know that we don't know, we don't even know ourselves. I've seen, the door out of schizophrenic and psychotic hell, is no different than waking up out of identity and separation itself. It's the same. And we are talking about actual metaphysical hell on earth. The normal functioning human mind, and a psychotic mind, appear different, but are essentially of the same nature. And having seen what I've seen, I now know, that us humans appear sane, but we are profoundly far from sanity, and we do not even know it. Luckily we do have a certain level of sanity, but when we're talking about the inner workings of the mind and severe mental illness, we just can't seem to understand it or what to do about it, the ones intending to heal are just as sick themselves, especially when it comes to psychosis and schizofrenia, it's actually the same thing, if they were to go through it themselves, not just that but any mental illness, they wouldn't know what to do, they would break down the as easily as anyone else, I know that through my own experience. Despite our immense intellectual capabilities, our vast knowledge, and our best efforts, even having dedicated ones entire life to research and to the health and care of human beings, working together on a global level, we still can't seem to effectively deal with these issues, and so there must be another way, there must be. If I can heal myself, anyone can heal. I might just be able to help someone if I can get to the root of these issues. I might be one of extraordinarily few people on this planet, that has even a remote chance, at coming to terms with these illnesses modern science can't quite seem to understand, and I know they don't, they understand one side but I understand the other, by having gone through it. They can only see what's on the surface. And so this isn't about me anymore, my healing is only a means by which I can learn to heal others, and teach them how to heal. But nobody knows the answer, it's not here in the modern scientific consensus reality, this an entirely different dimension of reality. One that is intimately linked, with religious and spiritual matters. And I have a feeling, the answer lies in the east. I don't know how to go about this, and I don't really know where to start, but in the end, all I can say is, I have to do something about this.

Phew, Christ. Rarely do I get a chance to become so clear on what is burning within me. It's so hard to convey, and it's not something anyone really wants all that much to do with, and I'm alone. I have no one that can help me. But damn, it feels good to be clear on what I'm trying to see here.

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Thu Dec 05, 2019 4:54 pm

I guess the questions are, what is the true nature of the different forms of schizofrenia? Of psychosic delusion, depression, anxiety, trauma. So on and so forth. From which standpoint can I come from, that we have not come from before, that will allow me to see with insight. What must I first learn, to learn what it is I am trying to learn. And that means I have to be healthy, and so that gives me a starting point. I think the best way to go about delving deeper into the nature of reality and also learn the holistic approach to health, and to inquire into the nature of spiritual healing, is yoga. But the thing is, I can't simply ignore everything else either. There's Buddhism, Zen, Taoism, religion. New age spirituality. It's a complete mess. Alan Watts was one of the few who had such expansive knowledge he was for a brief period of time able to convey the deeper meaning of science, philosophy, spirituality and religion. Such comprehensive knowledge, and profound intellect. He managed to bring to life the meaning of that which was cast aside as nothing but foolishness. And he managed to bring that into a modern scientific context, and wrote about that which could not be said, which such eloquence, and such integrity, but still, modern medicine, scientific consensus, and political integrity remain in many cases, purely in the hands of modern human conceptual intelligence and emotional understanding, without true knowing of what all these ancient advisers we call prophets and sages and gurus and Buddha's were themselves living. We have been taught very valuable lessons over the course of history, through all of it. Yet, the world is a catastrophe, and knowledge is alienated from other knowledge. Knowledge from one standpoint is not knowledge from another. Having no standpoint is a means of knowing by not knowing, the means to understand, is not to understand. It's a completely different way of looking at things and relating to it. Only by not being fixated anywhere can we move from a place of truth. And that means there is never, any place to land whatsoever.

I find it's not wise to have lofty ambitions, and understand what happens does not go according to what the human being thinks is going to happen, but if I can, basically, learn to heal, and learn to learn in order to learn how to learn so one can actually start to learn something. From no standpoint. Goddammit this is the sort of thing that is driving me nuts these days.

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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Thu Dec 05, 2019 4:58 pm

Oh right, then I might be able to do something of virtue before I die. Ok, that's about it.

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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Thu Dec 05, 2019 5:00 pm

Oh, I should study TOK, The Study of Knowledge. Philosophy seems like a really great standpoint to come from too. Maybe I should start there as well. Learning how to think and what not

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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Thu Dec 05, 2019 5:12 pm

But damn, it's easy to say something, living it is an entirely different matter. It's strange how I feel so driven by something that doesn't seem to be me, not self nor not self, in the end I'm not actually any different than a simple passenger. Or rather, in the end it seems purely to be nothing but a vehicle. And the rest is seemingly unknown. Whatever that might be

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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Fri Dec 06, 2019 2:10 am

Ok, I think I may have become a bit more aware of what is happening here. Maybe not so apparent through what I've written. But there's something I'm contemplating. There is that which is truth, and it is not an experience. But oneness, union, that is a direct experience. If there is too much power in the mind, without even realizing it we are unconsciously fueling the thought processes that never seem to end, and also, in doing so, without it being noticed, a false sense of self is being created. It seems separation is actually actively being created.

And so I'm in another predicament, which is really precarious. And that is, there is that which we call god, and in essence, it seems to me, the best way to put it, is that it is the pure essence of all of reality. And so there's this duality. There is something we may refer to as the pure essence of reality, god, the unmanifested. And there is this false conditioned self.

And so for a while I had to learn to love and accept. And it was truly wonderful and very helpful, to realize the love in all things and all beings. But. There's this material plane of existence. And while it's true there is no self, that doesn't mean there aren't conditioned patterns of thought and behavior, that aren't still happening, and that are still problematic, and are in fact simply a false sense of self, and is not coming from that place that is your true nature, it was there before you realized your true nature, remnants, of the old self. I say you, but for some reason it's just easier to talk that way, I don't mean you. But those remnants of old self aren't noticed. And they keep happening. Endlessly repeating the same karmic/conditioned patterns, old grooves. So habitual they may just go by unnoticed. And one of the things that keep happening, is that the mind seems to create a sense of empowerment by thinking itself into separation, underneath experiential consciousness. It seems what it is doing, is that, for one. Schizophrenic voices say things like, "Profound Knowledge" "Sacred wisdom". And there's an effect. If one simply allows everything to be, without egoic involvement, there's doesn't seem to be an issue. But, it's as if the brain is actually responding to these voices, in a sense that the brain kinda just goes; Ok, message received. And next thing you know, there is this underlying assumption, that the brain and the human are the same thing as the absolute truth of reality itself. Which is not quite right. The mind seems to have taken up the identity of god itself, and it feels authoritarian, aggressive, hostile, it knows what is right and what is wrong, it experiences itself as profoundly intelligent, though of course it is so subtle now it's as if it has learned not to be aware that it perceives itself as incredibly intelligent. Made worse by the schizophrenic mind then affirming that, by shouting, "Holy shit you have such immense intellectual capacity!" Giving the grandest of compliments" Of course there is the remembrance of what is true. And I end up simply trying to affirm to myself, that this enormous intellectual capacity that has for some reason opened up, is nothing special. It's not god, it's just a foolish human. And so it actually creates another false sense of self in that way. Even though it seems to not even be worth mentioning, it's not noticed nor recognized for what it is, and therefore it still has power over the mind. It's unconscious. And without even noticing one is not living from experiential oneness, attention moves into the mind, away from silence and stillness. Before I know it, I realize I have been obsessing about the unenlightenment of the world, completely lost in mind and world, totally unaware of oneness, and as a result, I have completely missed the fact that in reality, this human organism is not even remotely as close to enlightened as it thinks it is. In fact it's not sane. And that's actually something that's been creeping up on me lately, that this mind, has a seriously deep karmic pattern, that involves being aggrandized through the sense that there is an individual here that is enlightened as opposed to unenlightened. That is the pure divine, that it is the truth itself. Even though it's not, it is not born from truth, it's the exact opposite. It perceives things and behavior as unenlightened, and creates separation within the mind and body. It might be anything, almost like an unconscious tendency to judge in order to create the sense of seperation with, oh, the false sense of self. Unconscious judging is actually continually strengthening the false sense of self. Creating karma without even knowing we are creating karma. It seems it simply is the case that this is old stuff has become so ingrained into the brain, that the brain does it unconsciously. Seeing I have ADD, that just makes it that much more difficult to remain rooted in the senses. In a sense, ADD and my tendency to daydream myself into a false reality that I am a teacher or guru or something. Which is what has been happening. There's a link between those two cognitive failures. There is no strength in concentration, and so attention is swept up and into the mind. And there I am, sitting and talking to a wall about the truth reality, not realizing I am in a dream state. And so I'm talking about truth and that can feel empowering, but simultaneously I am living in a practically psychotic dream state.

It doesn't seem much more than just a silly daydream at first but the effects and inner workings of it are profoundly insidious, and so this is seriously dangerous. A mad man that thinks he has become enlightened. Not even noticing that he himself has lost touch with oneness, stillness, love, and cannot help but feel incredibly frustrated over time, and from the little I am aware of, it seems to be causing suffering without me even knowing it, or even how it has come about. I am unconsciously denying my own experience of insanity, of separateness. And whilst I know that is has always been extremely problematic and precarious, and that it does in fact cause me so much suffering, I do know that, though I realize also, that I am completely helpless. I have been struggling with it ever since my first awakening. It was the cause of my cataclysmic psychosis, complete and total psychological and emotional destruction. And no matter what I do, or think, or seem to understand, awareness is lost, and I'm talking to a wall again. I experience in a dream state, that I am speaking with other people. My friends, family, imaginary people that don't actually exist, imagining that there is an audience listening, endless potential. It's as if the pure intelligence of the brain itself, has been used in the wrong way, born from fallacy, and while it's a repetitive tendency, it can actually take on any form whatsoever, and so there is endless novelty. The brain is just so immensely powerful. And so complex, the mind is so subtly nuanced. It dreams entire realities into existence that aren't real. And I dream not knowing I'm dreaming. It's incredibly subtle, there's still some sense of, something, truth has had a deep impact. And I understand truth isn't conceptual truth, it's just how it is, in a sense. And so there's no need to endlessly affirm to myself there is no self. It's not knowledge. I don't need to know conceptually the words of truth. It's just there. But there are false senses of self being created, based on the entire notion of truth and enlightenment, and it is just so insanely subtle and so difficult to spot while it's happening, which is the only time one can ever wake up out of it. And I realize not only do I seem to be manic and a bit psychotic, I know that I am, I notice it, but I don't always know that I know that. My mind is suppressing my own experience of what is happening. It's in denial, all I can do is notice, oh, I was dreaming again. And I just have to sort blow it off and allow feelings of guilt or shame to arise if it happens and fall away on their own, there's no reality to it, there's no actual self there. There's no use feeling bad for having human failures, that's just unnecessary, it just makes everything worse. But still, it keeps happening. And so part of my life is being lived in darkness, while another part of my life is actually being lived from truth. And so there's this volatile mixture of truth and illusion. And I'm actually a little bit afraid that I may actually have gone completely crazy, and there's this sense that it's all just a madhouse, and I'm actually quite scared of ending up in a psychiatric ward, where they will push me into plain white a room, forcibly convince me to take anti-psychotic medicine, which makes everything, so much worse, and then they say the chemicals will do the job, and if not he is lost, and every time I walk outside of that room, I can feel eyes glaring and observing, analyzing my every single little movement, strengthening the very thing that causes phychosis, which is treating a person as distinctly separate from other humans. They call them a patient, but treat them with indignity, the healers themselves in the eyes of a mentally ill patient is clearly seen as superior to the one they are taking care of, and the healthcare professionals almost always, give off this vibe, except the newbies and the students, who are terrified. And so the patient gets upset, there's a duality here, they don't know what's happening, and a psychosis which was once problematic, has now been completely intoxicated with a profoundly negative and disturbing sense of identity, and that's when the fall into hell happens. Everything psychiatry does, makes the patient take on the identity of a victim, that they are in fact uncurable, and that they do in fact have this illness, and it's something that begins to define you, a characteristic, a part of your identity that can never be removed, and then they go on to convince people of consensus human reality. Which doesn't work, in this case I guess I'm talking about the nature of psychosis primarily.

They don't realize the cause of a psychosis and that which keeps it going is actually a false sense of identity, which they themselves enforced without even knowing that they are continuously doing it. This is the excruciating hell of psychiatry. That no one knows of, and the people that are deemed to be the expert healers on this matter, psychiatrists and health care professionals, are actually doing the exact opposite of what they're trying to do. It is metaphysical, absolute living hell. A psychotic mind that becomes bound by identity, becomes tormented by the fires and demons of hell. First, psychotic delusion and hallucinations confuse and feed the false self, and we are under the influence of incredibly subtle perception disorders, the mind can literally, experientially expand, seemingly infinitely, literally so inflated by the thought it is god, or a divine being, or an undercover alien, and so on, that it has become the size of the universe. And I'm not even joking, it actually happened to me. And the psychosis builds you up and up and up, until you believe you're something of a god yourself. And then, once a person is in psychiatry, all of a sudden, it not only hits you that yes, you have been completely psychotic and you weren't even aware of it, but it is made a thousand times worse, by nothing other, than being isolated, put in a box in a clinical environment, and everything that is in your environment tells you and insists upon the notion you are simply a human being, continuously affirming a false sense of identity that completely conflicts and contradicts the psychotic minds reality. Next thing you know you're a victim, and you are suffering a psychotic hell of a mess that is continuously made worse both from outside sources, and inside sources, demonic voices in your head that play games your mind, tricking you into trusting the voices in your head, promising this and that, telling you that you are this and that, completely distorting reality more and more and more until reality is unrecognizable, they completely fool you, and then once they got you all dolled up, and you wake up to the fact that they are playing games with your brain, they immediately turn on you and the false sense of self is being attacked by literal experiential demons in your brain that are psychologically tormenting you endlessly. And it happens over, and over, and over, and over again. Endlessly. It is an endless torture trap. It builds you up, and then destroys whatever you felt was positive about it, literally shaming it all to hell. And it is beyond what words can even come close to conveying. Unimaginable anguish. True hell.

And so this is probably what's gotten me really riled up lately, is that I know I'm not completely sane, and I need to do something in order become healthy. And I know how the psychiatry game works, and that it does nothing but make things worse, whilst under guise that they are actually helping you with inane chemicals the brain doesn't necessarily know what to do with. And so they stuff you full of drugs and see which one or what combination it takes in order to try and suppress the symptoms. But the drugs destroy cognitive functions, and they first take away everything the person has of energy, vitality, strength, will, it completely destroys the persons ability to think rationally and cognize, it destroys concentration and memory, it destroys your mind. And then they go on to try and treat you with cognitive therapy, which is nothing other than convincing the person that is in psychosis, that what they are experiencing is not real, true, and that this consensus scientific reality is what's real. Material reality. And when you believe that idea, you've become a lot more solid, and a lot more vulnerable to pain. And now you have another duality. Material world is real, the human victim of psychosis is a real identity, not that the psychosis isn't happening, but they say the horrors of hell you are experiencing are simply material, and it is nothing but chemistry, and so you are by scientific definition completely and totally fucked because you have exclusively become defined and confined to two distinctly separate realities, and so you now have two realities that seem to contradict, and a psychotic person doesn't know what's real or not anymore, the outside says it is nothing but bad chemistry, they can do nothing but put you through a process that destroys your mind, it takes away your free will, in an environment which enforces a profoundly disturbing sense of identity, that is made worse by the illness simultaneously. And so they are caught in a vicious cycle, that they cannot escape.

And I'm not saying they aren't correct from their side of the equation, what they are doing is valid science and they certainly have a valid point of view, and from their knowledge this is all they know how to do, and so from their perspective this is the correct way to go about dealing with this illness. But it's the underlying inner workings of the mind, which remain unseen by the healthcare professional. A psychosis is tremendously powerful, endless experiential hell which is so horrible, so confusing, and so completely indescribable, that no matter what the person says to a therapist, they can't even come close to even understanding or conveying even a smidgen of what is actually going on. It's impossible, and they expect a person to come to sanity themselves after destroying their brain with drugs, and they lead them on promising of a better future, where you are healthy, and you are working 5 days a week like a normal healthy human being. So in addition to harmful drugs, and all the complex psychological stuff that is happening, all the pain, the torment, the hell, voices in your head, they add on extraordinary pressure by giving you an extraordinarily impossible ambition of living a happy, healthy life where you are in full work, even though they tell you very clearly, that you are practically uncurable. They tell you to do things, clean, go for walks, take showers, but not more than that, and so they have taken away your human freedom and all the joys you've had in your life. You're allowed to play cards and watch tv, in any case, most people end up simply lying in bed. For years. Anything you previously enjoyed is now being experienced in psychiatry, and that reminds you of your situation and you become more depressed. And where there is vulnerability, the will be a demon. And it will poke you in just the right way, so that vulnerable spot starts closing down, and you become more and more closed. Next thing you know, due all this hellish torture, you yourself have become a demonic entity. You end up fantasizing about murdering and maybe even torturing the healthcare professionals because nothing else feels even remotely good. You want to burn the institution to the ground, you wish for the same hell on the ones that made it worse, but are proudly taking very good care of these sick people, which they don't understand the first thing about. You become full of hatred and resentment for not only life, but everything. There is nothing but pure hatred for absolutely everyone and everything, and there is no happiness. But the worst part is, you know that's not sane, that's not even close to sane, thinking about killing people, and so you start to feel bad about that too, really bad. And this is still while a psychosis is continually being aggravated. We think, my god I have become a monster, and we can't say that we are desiring these things to the healthcare professionals, because we're afraid that if they do, they'll say you're far too sick to be in this particular psychiatry ward, you're extremely dangerous, and so you are moved to high security psychiatry wards, where you are force medicated if you do not comply to what they decide. And now you have zero freedom of movement whatsoever, except, you are free to experience absolutely anything and everything, within the confines of 4 white walls, and within the context of a psychiatric institution, the rooms normally don't even have windows. And everybody around you, is also incredibly sick. And so now you're really in hell, and you can only hope to come out unscathed by means of the modern scientist, who knows not what he does. And seeing he does not know what to do nor how to heal you. He has no other choice but to keep medicating you forever. And so, you are imprisoned for life, trapped in living hell. With slim chance of becoming healthy. In some cases in order to get out of psychiatry we have to pretend we're healthy, and so we feel we have to lie to our doctor just to get out, even though we still know we are sick. We can't tell them the truth because it will only make your sentence longer. And you will be stuffed other drugs to see if that will solve the issue, and you it isn't working. If you don't comply, they literally hold you down and inject it into your veins, which lasts around a month. And everyones genetics are different, there's actually no telling what the drug will do. In many cases, many people I have met, the psychotic symptoms themselves have been aggravated by the medicine they have been forced to take. Which is not only psychological hell, but physically unbearable, and your body is also destroyed. It's a physical, chemical happening, and it's destroying everything. Essentially, it destroys your consciousness. A psychosis is not actually very cloudy initially, there is much delusion sense distorted sense perception but consciousness itself can actually be somewhat clear, unless you add volatile drugs into the equation, that's when things become a million times more difficult. Everything becomes clouded. And the mind is enveloped in a dark cloud of potent and harmful chemicals, mixed up with complete and utter human madness, and even more conflicting messages being taken in by sense perception. Which also btw, becomes completely distorted, meaning you need to meditate on and contemplate and inquire into the very nature of perception itself, because you don't know if what you perceive is real or not, you don't know anything. You have zero sanity, and not a clue in hell.

But the thing is, I did it, I got out. I'm not completely healed yet, I still get caught in madness, and trauma haunts one endlessly, but I do have insight into the inner mechanics of what happens in a psychosis, and I have learned how to render a schizofrenic demon, completely powerless, with close to no effort, at worst they force me to counter, and then it's over, the less you do the better. They try to evoke a negative reaction by saying things that speaks directly to your deepest vulnerabilities, but it goes through emptiness, that is, if you're whole. And whenever the mind becomes engaged by a nasty voice, if it is coming from a place of love, joy, and truth, meaning just silence really, there is nothing there they can harm, and if harm happens, it seen for what it is, simply unreality. And so if i can learn this through meditation and through a burning desire for freedom, which means sanity, which means peace, truth and all the rest. Then it's possible for anyone who has the will to be free, no matter how psychotic they are. Peace, just peace, just one tiny little speck of peace. That's the only thing these people want, nothing else. They want it so badly they kill themselves, or they beg god to take their lives, because they just can't do it anymore, and that's how it feels, every single moment of waking reality. Just please, no more, I beg of you please, kill me. This is hell. This is literal hell. And having seen the horror of it all, I feel like I have to do something.

And so this is what I'm concerned with right now, I need to find a way to stay completely sane, and the only way for me to do that is to get out of the mind. The only way I've ever felt sane is when I have completely allowed myself to not be sane, and to have no fixed position or point of view whatsoever. No where to land. I need to find a way to heal this illness, so I myself can finally become totally free from it, which I know for a fact has happened to people, there are documented case studies that states people have become completely free from the illness. It's no longer there. They healed from an illness that modern science says is impossible to heal. But somehow, a very small percentage of people, have actually healed from this disease. And I know through my own experience in life, that spiritual healing is real, because I myself was healed to some degree by a spiritual healer, and it was impossible to deny. And so, I'm not actually interested in spiritual powers, but if there is something I can do to help myself so I can go on to help others, well, there doesn't seem to be any other reason to exist other than to be in service of other people. And so I think the smartest place to start is yoga and it's foundation in philosophy and sacred texts and all the rest. In essence, to me, it is learning to live. To live from truth.

And so I'm reading this yoga book which is incredible. Every single word I read speaks exactly to what is burning in my heart. Every single sentence is like an explosion, and so the reading goes really slow. I feel obsessed. And I'm angry that I'm too tired to be able to really keep digging into it. It's great. But the guy is dead, and there's no where to learn this stuff, and I'm still totally alone with no one around to help... And so as this yoga dude says, if you want to go somewhere, simply wanting to go there is not enough. If you want to reach the sky, it is not enough to jump, you must take the steps necessary in order to reach your destination. And so it seems there is another process going on that may be in the early phases, my entire life has already been profoundly transformed for the better, even though I'm still quite crazy. But I mostly do not do anything else than meditate, I haven't actually done almost anything other than meditate besides going for a walk each day to buy food, I think I've been doing it for maybe 4-5 weeks or more now, I can't even remember. But also lots of deep thinking as well. And so my entire life has been transformed. And I have a feeling that's what this part of the journey is about, transformation, and I remember some advice i got from Adya some time ago, asking the question, are we actively engaged with our own lives. And so essentially, my understanding is that this part of the process is about learning how to live. Which for me means learning yoga.

Ok, I am so, so sorry for sending all this. I hope you can forgive me, it's just I have no one to talk to, nobody knows about this part of my life. Not a single soul knows the hell I've had to go through... And I'm just so upset, I just can't believe what human beings are doing to each other. I just love this planet so much, and just want to help them, and it's so fucking painful, sitting here not being able to do anything... I'm so fucking frustrated and I don't even know if I can become truly healthy, I have no idea, all I can do is take one step at a time, but i don't even know if I can do it. Part of me is burning in hell whilst the other is in the clouds, and the truth in me is simply seeing the madness of it all, at least I hope.

And so damn, that's about the gist of it. I'm so sorry for writing so much, it's like the moment I came back here all the unconscious stuff came to the surface. I want to heal, and I want to help others, and I have a feeling it might just be possible. Somehow, some way, even if it's just the slightest chance in hell, I want to help them. Christ, it's so fucking frustrating to be so powerless. Fuck...

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Andreas18
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Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Fri Dec 06, 2019 1:02 pm

Ok, I realize the mind is actually simply just endlessly talking about itself. /Thinking about itself.

Ok damn, that's, different.

It's as if anything mind comes in contact with, thought, emotion, sense perception, experience, this or that, it begins relating with it. The relationship seems to look like, there is experience, and there is a response to the experience. Right or wrong, good or bad, appearing in different ways. Judging, analyzing, Christ, there seems to be so much more under the hood than I had realized.

In any case, there's this duality. Alan Watts told a story. There once were two philosophers inquiring into the nature of a flag flapping with the wind. And so there they were, pondering together on the question; is the wind moving the flag, or is the flag moving with the wind? At some point a zen monk walked past, (I'm paraphrasing here), and the to men asked the monk what his thoughts on this matter was. All he says is, neither, it's the mind.

And so what the hell is the mind then, because there is thinking, and thinking is thinking the mind into oblivion. I just looked of the definition of oblivion and wow, what a fucking awesome word. Language is so fucking cool. Hm, maybe sort of just like that.

Damn it! There it is again! Thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking! How am I not seeing this right now. Damn, and there too. It just keeps happening endlessly, endless cause and effect.

How the hell am I supposed to live at this point? What is a man who has to know the truth of being, but has lost his head and keeps putting his heart in the refrigerator. Goddammit man.

I guess in all honesty, I just have to keep up my practice in one way or another. I can't actually do much else. This is going to take some time.

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Andreas18
Posts: 55
Joined: Fri May 31, 2019 11:24 pm

Re: The Pendulum

Postby Andreas18 » Fri Dec 06, 2019 2:01 pm

Dammit, I wrote it wrong.

"What is man who has come to know the truth of being, but has lost his head and keeps putting his heart in refrigerator."

Damn, I ruined it, I liked it, and now I'm dissatisfied with... That's so frustrating... Just one tiny little thing, and the whole thing is fucked up. Forever. Fuck. Fucking art man goddammit. Why. What the fuck

God... Why I am so obsessed with words. Why am I so frustrated right now, I really liked that one... I can't enjoy it now. God why, so much noise and wasted movement... Having to go back and make a correction ruins the whole thing, it took the life out of it. Fuck...

I seriously love art though, maybe that's why. Language is so much fun. I think part of the reason I love art is because of how extraordinarily challenging and frustrating it is. It's the most brilliant way to completely fuck up. It's such a great teacher.

Or actually, I'm only disappointing with myself because I wasn't able to write it correctly the first time, which was the only chance I had. And so it seems I am actually heavily attached to things I think, speak, write, do. If i like it I go back to it again and again. Until it's no longer enjoyable. If I am not able to formulate what is trying to be conveyed, or I am unable to express myself truly and freely, I become frustrated.

And so it actually goes back to this question, who or what am I then? Deeply realizing no self is one thing, but what is this self that is so attached to things, and is so obsessed with himself. Himself. I couldn't write itself. Himself. It's not the same. It's almost like walking into identity again, though there is awareness still. Like, there is the unmanifested, but there's still this conditioning here. And that's different than simply knowing all is unmanifested. It seems.

So, seeing there is no self, and inquiring into the nature of the experience of self are seemingly not the same, not exactly. It's like an equal and opposite almost. There is no self, and what it this self that is experienced. There's a split. Two separate realities. One is truth that cannot be known, the other is known but is not truth.

I keep coming back to recognition that this will most likely, take quite a bit of time. Seeing through all the untruth that is left. And that doesn't conveniently lend itself to the egoic desires of the mind or it's agenda. And i realize I have literally done nothing but just think and write for hours on end. Not actually having gotten anywhere whatsoever.

It's like lucid dreaming, there's almost like this sense of personhood, yet there is also awakeness. I just need to stop writing. I come here meaning to say only one thing and I end up writing for hours. So much conditioning.


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