Inquiry of No OneI

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Pedroso
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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Pedroso » Fri Mar 01, 2019 7:34 pm

Like a man who won't look at his house burning on for fear that he left the stove on unattended.

To look without self hate, blame, recrimination, punishment etc.

Thank you.

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Pedroso
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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Pedroso » Fri Mar 01, 2019 8:31 pm

I see patterns that repeat, patterns that seem to be dysfunctional. Like getting ready to leave and go out to do anything. Shopping, eating, errand but much more when I am meeting someone. It's like I'm delaying the actuality of leaving. I find many things that have to be done, delaying the leaving and making me late.

I look for what is happening. Who delays? I cannot find anyone directly. Why do I keep doing this pattern? What am I avoiding... what is avoiding? I cannot find it, but this pattern continues. Is it the body that does this. This is the mind? What is this mind?
Some say it is neurological patterns in the brain- yet supposedly when I die the mind goes with... (was going to say with me but it's not doing that since there is no me). Still confuses how this works.

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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Ilona » Sat Mar 02, 2019 7:06 am

Welcome the reaction, feel it fully and openly. That’s the way through. It only wants to be seen.
You can say to that energy:
I see you. You are here. It is safe for you to be here. Welcome here. Thank you for coming, old friend.
I agree. Thank you....

The resistance is here because it wants to help, to protect something precious. Allow it to be here. Don’t try to run away or deny it. Meet it. Welcome it. See what happens. It’s a friend. See that.

Don’t ask questions who is doing that, that’s a wrong question to ask. You don’t ask- who is raining or who is moving clouds- that makes no sense, right? Instead meet the energy, welcome it and see what gifts it has brought. None of it wants to harm you, it only shows you where to look.

Write what happens.

Love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Pedroso
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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Pedroso » Thu Mar 14, 2019 4:13 pm

Welcome the reaction, feel it fully and openly. That’s the way through. It only wants to be seen.
I feel so entirely conditioned. The reaction, automatic. Then there is space. Back and forth. At times very painful. Feeling stuck. This is not an easy process. At the same time there is something changing.
Don’t try to run away or deny it.
I feel like I'm standing in a fire. Every where I turn away is only because of the idea that I cannot take the heat. Yet there is no where else to go.
This is a big lesson, and taking time to get through. I have been running away my whole imaginary life.
Sometimes there is a brief moment there is clarity- only quickly to be covered up again. The talking labelling "I" machine, merry-go-round.

Don’t ask questions who is doing that, that’s a wrong question to ask. You don’t ask- who is raining or who is moving clouds- that makes no sense, right? Instead meet the energy, welcome it and see what gifts it has brought. None of it wants to harm you, it only shows you where to look.
This is sooo difficult. Not who is raining or who is moving the clouds- but who would take his own life. ( I am not suicidal- but have been years ago) I don't understand why to not ask such questions.
That there is no one here- at time seems so clear. And yes, no doubt it is the mind that comes in asking, wondering.
Sometimes people jump off of very high places- How does no one do that?

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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Ilona » Fri Mar 15, 2019 2:23 pm

Notice that feeling stuck is a sensation. Nothing is really stuck, there is a contraction that is called “being Stuck”
What is this sensation stuck to? Is there a feeler of sensation or just a sensation being felt?
Examine this.

And it’s great to recognise that you are standing in the fire. Beautiful. Now allow that fire to burn it all. Burn all that is not true, not helpful, not needed, all lies, all bullshit, all that no longer makes sense. Put everything you no longer need into that fire, so it burns and clears. It’s your best ally. And allow it to do the cleaning work for you. Just let it burn.
It will burn until there is fuel.

Who is raining- does this question make sense?
Who is living life of a human? Is there something that is outside the nature? Outside of life itself?
Is there a who? That’s the point of the question.

Love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Pedroso
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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Pedroso » Sat Mar 16, 2019 4:55 am

Notice that feeling stuck is a sensation. Nothing is really stuck, there is a contraction that is called “being Stuck”
What is this sensation stuck to? Is there a feeler of sensation or just a sensation being felt?
Examine this.
Examine this. Ok. And when I do, it's true. This is the fire. It triggers more feeling... of free falling, a rush of panic, how can this be... utter despair at the thought, oh, it's thinking again. This is the fire. Oh, no... very strong emotion I feel it's going to crush me, oh, just a feeling. I hate it. I'm squirming. NOOOOO! This is frying my brain. My brain.
It is staring me right in the face and yet part of IT won't let go. I'm in a corner having created a suffering being who is not there, what a mind fuck.
There is some kind of letting go happening. It is very, very subtle. FEAR, FEAR. I am letting that happen.. it happens when it happens anyway.
There is the fire. Every day. Almost all day.

You are very... kind and relentless. I keep asking my "who done it" questions and you stay with the rain. Who jumps off the bridge? And you reply "Who is ringing- does this question make sense?" I want you to tell me what you're never going to say. It's confounding. Brings up other questions. You may not answer, but with more rain, but here goes...

What is Jesus Christ? What does it mean?
What is the SATAN...
What is God?
Are these just labels and its all just life? What about the "end times" and the Apocalypse?

There appears to be so much evil in this world it makes me crazy and it's all thought. I want to tear my hair out. In your book you mention war, so war happens- but there is no one here doing it? What about the DEMONIC DEAMONS? Evil bankers?
There is no murderer? Murder just happens?
I don't know how to hold all of this.
What about all the evil plans to depopulate the world? Is this just rain falling?

How can I live this way. I'm in a coffee shop. Someone picks up my laptop, I say HEY! That's MINE!!!!! But, now, er, you're saying its NOT MINE. I know you didn't say this- I'm imagining you saying this. Or someone asks you "can I take your computer" and you say "Oh, it's not mine, there is no me, sure just take it." How can we do this? How can we live this? There are no possessions. I can just take Jim Newmans wallet and he won't say a thing, he'll just say "nothing ever happened".

I know, I'm throwing a tantrum. I hope you know what I'm getting at. Can you just give my mind something to work with? Practical approach?
How far does it go? Will Jim Newman really let me walk away with his car keys because "no one is here"? No one owns a car.

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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Ilona » Sat Mar 16, 2019 2:11 pm

examine this. Ok. And when I do, it's true. This is the fire. It triggers more feeling... of free falling, a rush of panic, how can this be... utter despair at the thought, oh, it's thinking again. This is the fire. Oh, no... very strong emotion I feel it's going to crush me, oh, just a feeling. I hate it. I'm squirming. NOOOOO! This is frying my brain. My brain.
It is staring me right in the face and yet part of IT won't let go. I'm in a corner having created a suffering being who is not there, what a mind fuck.
There is some kind of letting go happening. It is very, very subtle. FEAR, FEAR. I am letting that happen.. it happens when it happens anyway.
There is the fire. Every day. Almost all day.
I hear you, this is very strong emotion. It only wants to be felt. It only wants to be felt fully. It’s a sensation. It’s ok to feel what you feel. Is intensity not ok? Can you let the intensity to be ok just for a minute. Say so be it. Feel it. Notice that this is very powerful, strong energy. You can ask it gently, what was it before it became this energy. Tell me what answer comes up.

Let’s put all the other questions aside for now, you will answer them yourself later. Now the first thing is to get into feeling that fire and asking it to burn all that is not true, all the lies and bullshit, all that you believed was true, all that no longer serves, no longer helpful, not necessary. It is the fire if purification and it burns until there is stuff to burn, so set all the lies on fire and hold on to nothing. Notice, that you are in this process and it is not up to you to step out. It’s a ride. You are here, fire is here. So allow it to do its job. And ask it gently to burn all that crap, that you don’t need anyway.

This fire is here for you.
So allow it to burn.
I’m here, holding your hand.
Love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Pedroso
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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Pedroso » Sun Mar 17, 2019 3:07 pm

I hear you, this is very strong emotion. It only wants to be felt. It only wants to be felt fully. It’s a sensation. It’s ok to feel what you feel. Is intensity not ok? Can you let the intensity to be ok just for a minute. Say so be it. Feel it. Notice that this is very powerful, strong energy. You can ask it gently, what was it before it became this energy. Tell me what answer comes up.
This strong energy. Ask it gently- what was it before it became this energy? What comes up is the recognition from long ago, a negative association with LOOKING AT, FEELING difficult, fearful energy. I can't look at it because there is something in it that says I'm BAD, or I have been BAD, connecting to worthlessness. It's some kind of denial.

I created a BAD, guilty persona. I never actually knew what it was that was so BAD. It's not as if I acted outwardly unloving to others. It's inherent SHAME so I don't want to look at it or feel it.

This is really hitting home here. I have memory about where it started- in a very young body. It's the ME thing. I am BAD, unloveable, not able, flawed, ugly, undeserving etc. etc. A piece of shit.

It's a sensation, you say. Yes. It is. But then linked to the "I thought" of "ME" and how bad I feel being me (story). Very old stuff. Very old.
I'm my own judge and finally executioner. All for mistaking identity. The mind is so strong and it wants to know- something it can't really know in the way it likes to.

Please tell me, what this means: "It only wants to be felt fully." Why? What is this doing? It's what I avoid as I indicated, at all cost. I've seen the same pattern in my mother. Shut down. And then when something exposes this darkness it is like a vast cauldron of pain.

There is such a feeling of distaste of self associated with this "feeling it fully".

I do see that without judgement it is just a sensation. But over the years it became an "avoid at all cost" kind of thing. It feels like dying or threat of death.
Let’s put all the other questions aside for now, you will answer them yourself later. Now the first thing is to get into feeling that fire and asking it to burn all that is not true, all the lies and bullshit, all that you believed was true, all that no longer serves, no longer helpful, not necessary. It is the fire if purification and it burns until there is stuff to burn, so set all the lies on fire and hold on to nothing. Notice, that you are in this process and it is not up to you to step out. It’s a ride. You are here, fire is here. So allow it to do its job. And ask it gently to burn all that crap, that you don’t need anyway.
Ok. Well let the other questions go for now. "Notice, that you are in this process and it is not up to you to step out." Not up to me because there really is no me? Is that it?
The choice or no choice thing is another one of those areas the mind cannot wrap around.
At the same time I have had a LIFETIME of trying to improve, make better, and heal without success. I keep on trying to improve something that isn't there. Sure feels like it. I act like it, but can't find it.

I deeply appreciate your help Ilona. I feel so vulnerable and shaky. Free-falling. Actually thats not completely true. If I were free falling that would mean there is no resistance. I think. you know what I mean.
Thank you.

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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Ilona » Sun Mar 17, 2019 6:22 pm

The key is here:
This is really hitting home here. I have memory about where it started- in a very young body. It's the ME thing. I am BAD, unloveable, not able, flawed, ugly, undeserving etc. etc. A piece of shit
Who was that made you feel like this the first time?
What was the situation?
Can you see how you innocently took someone else’s opinion and made it yours?
It’s like an unwanted gift that you have been carrying all your life. You can give it back to whoever passed it on to you.

Try this. Close eyes and see that little boy, in that situation. See how innocent he is. See how someone tells something and he believes that.
Now look that person in the eye and tell them- thank you very much. But I no longer want this gift. Take it back. And see how you give it back. The see what they have to tell you.
Write to me about what happens.

Love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Pedroso » Thu Mar 21, 2019 5:53 pm

Thank you.
Who was that made you feel like this the first time?
What was the situation?
Can you see how you innocently took someone else’s opinion and made it yours?
It’s like an unwanted gift that you have been carrying all your life. You can give it back to whoever passed it on to you.
Yes, it was my parents and older siblings.
I don't know what was the very first situation- but in general. I do remember my mom saying to me "Shame on YOU!", quite a bit.
My father was punitive in his religious understanding. There was something wrong with us just for existing. We were "BAD", we were sinners. Older sibling was crushed under father and in turn crushed me. "Crushed me" means I took it on. I believed it. I still do. I made it part of me.
Try this. Close eyes and see that little boy, in that situation. See how innocent he is. See how someone tells something and he believes that.
Now look that person in the eye and tell them- thank you very much. But I no longer want this gift. Take it back. And see how you give it back. The see what they have to tell you.
Write to me about what happens.
I see the innocence of the little boy. So much was projected onto him.
I have not had a clean feeling of doing this. It's murky. I'm still trying.

There have been a string of difficult days. Please tell me how "feeling" what comes up helps. Example: in the last year I made miscalculations that ended up being costly errors. I avoid looking at it because it makes me feel so bad. A wave of sheer terror comes over- this feeling of tremendous resistance, guilt, BAD, BAD, stupid, for doing xyz.

I notice that I don't control what comes up. It just swamps me. It is like a powerful fog that envelopes my entire being. It happened yesterday. I remembered to just feel it. I become like a cornered rat trying to get away from that feeling, except its coming from inside. It took 4 hours to do something that needs 30 minutes.

It seems to boil down to some ONE in here that has been BAD, screwed up and so on. This is when this sense of self is strongest.

This me is mostly a negative suffering experience. I desire to throw it off yet feel powerless to make it go away. I regularly look for this suffering "me" and cannot find him but I look away and it seems to be right there. Is it literally language? Is it literally just a thought? Is that what this "me" is?

thank you so much for doing this

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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Ilona » Fri Mar 22, 2019 3:25 pm

Example: in the last year I made miscalculations that ended up being costly errors. I avoid looking at it because it makes me feel so bad. A wave of sheer terror comes over- this feeling of tremendous resistance, guilt, BAD, BAD, stupid, for doing xyz.
Was there a choice to act as you acted in given situation with knowing what you knew? Could you have acted differently? And what is there to learn from this?

See there is a deep fear of failure. As if that is shameful, bad, punishable, ridiculed and so on. Fear of failing is fear of growth. Only by failing you learn in your experience. Other people failing may stop you from making the choose you made, but it’s second hand knowledge. And here you have a huge opportunity to grow- what have you learned from that experience? What is the gift?

You can see that you did not have a choice, it was life happening as that choice. And it’s showing you something in the face.

Look at the gifts of that experience and tell me what are you learning.

:)
Love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Pedroso » Sat Mar 23, 2019 6:58 pm

Before I answer your last entry...

Today my partner left for a trip to another nearby country on biz. After she left I felt a strong sense of grasping around... looking unconsciously for what is going to fill that hole I felt. I turned to a trusted online chess game which is what it is but right then was to distract me from what I was feeling- that deep, profound emptiness.

At some point I knew I couldn't hide from this emptiness- it seems to be just behind everything. This emptiness Ive been running, covering up for a lifetime. Putting things off is a form of avoiding that feeling.

I just felt it and suddenly there was a peacefulness I rarely feel. It's just this. Nothing was different. I realized that no matter what I did it is still the same.

When I play chess to avoid, there is a hit when I win. When I lose bad, I can feel how much I use it to avoid feeling that emptiness. It can be covered and so I feel intense dissatisfaction.

Today I lost bad, but I saw that it really did not change a thing. I could feel that part that feels bad but underneath that was peace.

This went on for about an hour until I read what would be considered bad news on another front. Suddenly that peaceful feeling collapsed, my body wen tense. Fearful me was back.

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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Ilona » Sun Mar 24, 2019 2:07 pm

Beautiful glimpse into peaceful emptiness. Thank you for sharing. Yes, we do tend to run away from the unpleasant and keep chasing the pleasure. And when you stop doing that for a bit, you can feel what is actually here. And that is not scary, it’s peace.

Now you can see what is here underneath all thoughts. This isness, emptiness, peace. It’s always here, as you noticed. Nothing new, very ordinary and familiar.

Does this isness have a name? Does it need a name?

You can look at this like at the sky- there is spaciousness that we call sky. There are clouds that show up. Some are light, white and fluffy, some are dark stormy clouds. Does it matter for the sky what clouds are here? Does the sky choose what clouds are ok and what not ok? Do clouds stick to the sky? If it’s cloudy, does that make the sky smaller? Do clouds obstruct the sky? And if there is a plane or air balloon, is that permanent?

What do you notice in your experience? Are some clouds (thoughts, emotions) more welcome than others?

Love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Pedroso » Thu Mar 28, 2019 6:59 pm

Beautiful glimpse into peaceful emptiness. Thank you for sharing. Yes, we do tend to run away from the unpleasant and keep chasing the pleasure. And when you stop doing that for a bit, you can feel what is actually here. And that is not scary, it’s peace.
Yes, it was a beautiful glimpse into peaceful emptiness. And then it passed and became nonancessbible again, apparently. Question: when you say "And when you stop doing that for a bit, you can feel what is actually here." Do you mean- when I stop trying to avoid what is unpleasant, THEN I can see what is actually here?
Does this isness have a name? Does it need a name?
No, this isles does not have a name. Does it need a name? Not in that very moment. But what confuses the HECK out of me is that there seems to be a LOT written to describe it. the Bible! Supposedly the Bible is all about that, but is it? It drives me crazy the things I've been told that I can't seem to locate in the actuality of the experience of emptiness. This is why I asked "who or what is Jesus?" In that moment of emptiness when all seems in order I can't find Jesus but maybe I don't know what that is? And if it isn't Jesus what is all this stuff that is written about it?
I know we covered some of this and your answer was that we would just put this aside for now. I can't help it. It comes up.

That empty peaceful place is where NO language is... I just don't understand where all these books come from and why if silence is empty.

I'm in a time now where I'm still reeling from feeling so much powerful feelings. It's crazy. I want to run and yet there is no place to go.
You can look at this like at the sky- there is spaciousness that we call sky. There are clouds that show up. Some are light, white and fluffy, some are dark stormy clouds. Does it matter for the sky what clouds are here? Does the sky choose what clouds are ok and what not ok? Do clouds stick to the sky? If it’s cloudy, does that make the sky smaller? Do clouds obstruct the sky? And if there is a plane or air balloon, is that permanent?
No, it doesn't matter for the sky what clouds show up. The sky does not seem to choose what clouds are ok and not ok. The clouds do not obstruct the sky. Nothing is permanent.

Somehow I understand these things yet am a slave to the habit of soooo much attention to the movement of the clouds.
The painful clouds still cause me to refer back to "myself" as a real entity instead of flowing isness.
What do you notice in your experience? Are some clouds (thoughts, emotions) more welcome than others?
In my experience, like I stated above at this time the many clouds are not welcome. I am still shrinking and hiding from clouds. I like the analogy as it makes it seem less personal.

Thank you so much for doing this

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Re: Inquiry of No OneI

Postby Ilona » Thu Mar 28, 2019 11:11 pm

Do you mean- when I stop trying to avoid what is unpleasant, THEN I can see what is actually here?
Yes, precisely.

See, there is a subtle shift.
From looking for something, looking for something else, hoping for the better, waiting for happiness to looking at what is. At what is how it is with whole honesty. It’s a shift to being present and involved int what is happening. Rather than seeking for something that does not exist, starting looking at and seeing what exists. That’s the shift, from FOR to TO. There is no other place and time for it but in here now. Bringing attention to what is here now.

It’s a shift from knowing to unknowing and being in a receptive listening state. Knowing nothing at all and not needing to know anything theoretical. All knowledge is irrelevant at this point. The experience is happening and words are part of it, but not the only thing going on.

Words can be used to point attention to stillness.

Next time you feel you want to run away from what is appearing, notice that fully. You want to escape. It’s ok to feel that. It’s ok to feel all that you feel. Just feel consciously and openly.
You have a gift of feeling deeply. Is that something appreciated or resisted?

Love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com


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