Before i begin, i want to thank you, that post post made me smile so much, you are so kind and really care, and this touches me immensely.
Ok ...I’m going to do the task you asked me to do , then go back and comment on some of your other questions/statements.
“Life-ing with more happiness than unhappiness”
Both are part of life but everyone wants more happiness, yet the whole pursuit of happiness leaves a bad taste, feels corrupted. Is it possible to be 'content', or accepting even in the ups and downs of life, so that one can be happy even as the pendulum swings, i think it’s so for some people , but not for many. To strive for happiness seems a paradox. My intuition says that there can be life -ing with more happiness than unhappiness, and it’s done by saying yes to whatever life brings up. That when the thoughts get crazy which lead to crazy feelings, that the 'pause', and feeling the aliveness in the body at least temporarily halts the unhappiness and leads to more peace, and peace is happiness in its purest form.
(Ok that’s my first initial pass)
I only now see you said to include reasons so this i have done next:
The reason why i believe it is possible to life with more happiness is because clearly there are happy and content humans and i am human, and i feel that we are not meant to be unhappy, that rather, it’s a bug , not a feature to live in constant restlessness, seeking, fear and anxiety. I don’t live constantly like this though... not at all, there are many moments of happiness in my life, actually i have had a pretty blessed life all told. Beauty makes me happy, the beauty of those around me by which i mean their spirit, their life force , and nature and animals. These are external, so what is it about these externalities that make me happy? Somehow they help bring out my inner peace that’s already there, the connection i feel to these externalities, the appreciation and attention to the (to use your word )wonder-fullness of life. When i can see the wonder and appreciate life i feel happy and content and peaceful and that life is ok...
So i wrote all that on the fly, not going to change anything except i will reread and just check for typos , so i know i didn’t do it exactly the way you asked , i didn’t polish it, dull, let’s call the second paragraph kind of like the polishing since i had to think of the reasons, the first one was just quick.
In terms of tendrils of feeling that i think make possible become more probable, it’s the appreciation or attention or pausing, seeing the story and then coming back to the moment. I feel that if i reread some of your suggestions that i have copied and pasted into my notes, i will find that you have suggested this to me. The laughing for example, the recognizing of the stories, it’s all a pause, isn’t it??
Now ...to finish with your post to me, i absolutely grinned from ear to ear with how you said that manifestation and positivity are corrupted concepts, and your title of 'Introducing a New possibility then converting that possibility into a probability, then introducing some necessary circumstances or conditions to convert that probability into actuality."
Omg Vince, i love this, it’s so brilliant. I really love it. So that’s the start i guess.....
I’m not going to quote anything from your post, just can say that yes , sometimes life does suck and it is part of the pendulum swinging, my mind tells me that the six years since leaving my country have been hard, but it is what it is. I always felt that everything lined up pretty perfectly to get us here, there has been fear from the beginning though, maybe this has been part of the cause of why it’s been challenging, i don’t know . That’s probably just story again, but jeez, when is it going to give. Brings to mind a song i love by my favorite singer Jewel .. “I’ve been down so looooong, that the end must be drawing near “
So , to reply to some of your comments, no, the behavior is not helping., yes the thoughts are powerful too, except they’re really not i think, because they are stories, but they’re tricky, and sticky . Many thoughts and feelings, am i giving them their power, somehow?
Thank you for your take on my perspective being too narrow, i understand ....it’s like i need to see things from the 30k view , don’t know yet what it is but i recognize that knowing this or thinking this is a better story.
Ok, you asked if the feelings of guilt come after a story about how it should have been.
I will give you an anecdote that perfectly illustrates this. I started this email in the morning , it’s now 1246 in the night and i am finishing it now
Here’s a little rant, after starting my email to you, Around lunch time, i decided to go and relax by the pool and read a couple magazines and just take it easy.
So , far the last a little over two years, we have had a bearded dragon, an Australian desert animal and i have grown to love this lizard . Because the last two years we have had hurricanes and had no power, i had to take her outside everyday when we lost power for a week and she loved it so much so it became a routine, so that nearly every day I take her out for a bit, I put her on a table and set a timer to check on her every fifteen minutes, she’s doesn’t move much, so she could easily go sometimes two hours before jumping off the table and she might go and laze in a bush or whatever. So today was the normal routine of taking her out, putting her on the table etc. She seemed perfectly fine. She WAS perfectly fine.
After about an hour, she did her normal jump off the table and i watched her as i let her walk a bit and then put her back on the little table in a different spot, shortly, she jumped again, but this time just kind of stayed in one spot on the floor. Then my son woke up and his friend cam over and i went inside maybe ten mins, i then glanced out at her and immediately saw that something looked wrong, because her head was collapsed on the ground, her whole body position looked weird, and i kind of freaked out and screamed at my son to please go look because something was definitely wrong with Nessie. I went out and her whole beard which is her neck was black , i mean black and i knew that wasn’t a good sign.
The next thirty minutes were a blur as we googled stuff to try to figure what to do, it said maybe she had ingested something poisonous, i tried to call every emergency vet in the area , all were closed or didn’t have an exotic animal vet, ....we had her back in her terrarium but she was clearly not doing well, and i couldn’t bear to look at her, so i had my sone keep spraying her with water and giving her a dropper of water, she did drink a bit, but she vomited and had a bowel movement and half her body turned black. But then , just as i finally got a vet 25 miles away that would see her, she lifted her head a bit, so we grabbed a box , put her in it,and left to take her to the vet. But, After about ten mins and before we got on the highway, i was looking at her in the back in the box and she seemed like she wasn’t moving, we looked at her at a traffic light and couldn’t determine if she alive,still wasn’t moving. i had an intuition that she had died. Before we got on the highway, i said to my son , let’s stop and see if she has already died, because if so , it wouldn’t make sense to drive all the way to the vet. I was very upset with how she looked with the black beard , it just look so horrible. So we pulled up in a gas station and kind of tipped the box to see if she would move any of her limbs, nothing, looked to see if she was breathing, nothing, nothing nothing nothing, we questioned ourselves, is she dead and determined that it appeared she definitely was. I resigned myself to the fact that she was dead, i was very upset and cried, but told Jess let’s go and put her in a bush or something since there was some empty land around. We walked a bit and eventually ended up throwing her in a small pond, seemed somehow better than leaving her just in the bush. Jesse asked if i wanted to take her home to bury her but somehow i didn’t want to, i just wanted it all ended .
It was all so shocking , and i felt sad for her passing and just prayed she hadn’t suffered too much, the only we coul think of is she ingested something poisonous , she was having seizures etc. but the truth is i will never know what happened to her.
Now for the guilt part, well about two hours ago, i decided to google about how she could have died, because there was just this little guilty tug inside screaming out to me, what if she wasn’t dead, what if, and then of course, i find something where someone was saying that they could possibly go into shock , they are bruminating animals, which of course she wasn’t bruminating, which is like hibernating, but my mind started to and it’s still playing tricks on me about whether she had gone into a coma, why didn’t i drive thirty mins, that i was wrong, and selfish for not doing so, that she might have been alive and it just really had me so bummed out, and my family tried to tell me that it was not so, that she WAS dead . But why didn’t i bring her home to bury her, why didni just decide she was dead and to dispose of her, why didn’t i give it more time, did i make a terrible choice, and on and on it goes right now Vince. I am racked with regret and what ifs and guilt and i can’t believe she’s not here with me anymore, and i know it’s a bloody LIZARD!?!??
Anyway, it’s just a great example of how the mind can produce the thoughts which produce the feelings of guilt. We have had her for two years and i was really attached to this docile creature , i tried for her to be happy every day by taking her out of her jail terrarium and letting her be like a wild animal, Strangely , in the last couple months, i have had several dreams that she died and just yesterday i was thinking about how long she might live , since they have quite a long span and how upset i would be if she died, and on an on an on, and , she’s gone, my lizard is gone, just like that!
I will miss her, and there is a part of Me that wants to blame myself somehow, go through the what if’s and feel guilty. Maybe i could have save her, maybe if i just did go to that vet 25 miles away. I know you might say that everything played out just as it would, as in the only way that it could, every condition lined up and trying to change it is so pointless. But the truth is, i wish she was here, in our home, her home..
So i am observing all this , i will b e fine,she is fine, but .... it still sucks and hurts. Well yeah, so i wanted to share this with you, i had started off the day off kind of good because i was so happy at your post, and then , it’s like here goes again, another challenge.
Well, that’s it, there is no more to say
Lots of love