An end to seeking possible

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Cyclewave
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Cyclewave » Thu Jul 19, 2018 5:54 pm

Wow, going to Peru! That’s great, what an adventure. I guess you will be taking some natural medicines?
what doesn't want to rest is the story...about a me...who doesn't want to give up controlling and directing the story, taking credit, etc...
Is it ok for that story to continue? Or are you wishing for it to stop?
What can a story do? Is a story about controlling in control of what is happening?

The story is happening. Ok. But do you still believe it? Do you believe that the character in the story makes the story happen the way he wants? How about batman, is he is control of how story about the batman goes? Would batman be upset if story goes not the way he wants it to go? Or it’s all more fiction about fiction?

Is story something solid, or thoughts about thoughts about thoughts?
Is there a true story?
And what can a story do, actually?
:)

Let me know what you find out about this story telling and believing in it.
Love
Yes I am in Peru waiting for some friends to arrive before heading to the jungle for some adventures and some ceremonies with some plant medicines as well. This part of the story is most enjoyable and is one of the best parts. But it is all still a story that is being seen through. Just following a path from cradle to grave, not written by me, no one to write it anyway.

The part that thinks it's taking credit is still here, also seen through. But the part that's still waiting for this seeking to end is harder to see through. Awareness in the moment projecting into the past and future....

I am sure the persona will be altered by what I'm about to do, yet also sure that the persona is just a layer or shell around the presence of what is, which is the only thing remaining here...

Many thanks for your guidance and fellowship on this amazing journey called life! Without end or beginning!

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Ilona
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Ilona » Sat Jul 21, 2018 1:44 pm

Sounds fun! Wish you have great journeys, revealing and releasing.
Meanwhile, find that energy of seeking, that energy that does not wan to rest, that is looking for something to get. Find it and really look at it. Are you doing it, or is it just there, by itself? What does it want? What is that it has to say? Face it head in and see what you find out. Is it separate from the whole? Is it the receptor of life? Is it something that is always here or comes and goes? Give me full description of what you observe.

Much love!

Ps. You may find this video helpful
https://youtu.be/vVfvRetanr0
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Cyclewave
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Cyclewave » Sun Aug 12, 2018 5:38 pm

Sounds fun! Wish you have great journeys, revealing and releasing.
Yes...back now and reintegrating with everyday life. Thoughts still come up that in a little while all will be revealed. When I give those thoughts attention it seems that it is only a story. There is no little while. There is only now, with all memories and plans for the future, and feelings of separation generating from that.

Meanwhile, find that energy of seeking, that energy that does not wan to rest, that is looking for something to get. Find it and really look at it. Are you doing it, or is it just there, by itself? What does it want? What is that it has to say? Face it head in and see what you find out. Is it separate from the whole? Is it the receptor of life? Is it something that is always here or comes and goes? Give me full description of what you observe.
Yes, the seeker, the identity that has built up over years, always going to the next place, india, the amazon...is still seeking and resisting...and after watching your talk on resisting I am seeing that energy as trying to help, to protect from annihilation of the false sense of self.

In the medicine process, it seemed like life and death were the same thing...also, that the moment was everything, falling into all dimensions, all directions, all at the same time, past present and future...
Sure that "I" surrendered completely...but upon waking, those states feel like another dream.

It's hard to believe that the me who sits in front of the computer now in NYC and the person in a jungle tambo with incense burning under the full moon, listening to soft strings and insects...is the same person...or no person at all, just life happening to this ghost in a shell...

Much love!
Thank you, love to you. It means everything.
Ps. You may find this video helpful
https://youtu.be/vVfvRetanr0
Yes it was, and of course the thinking brain wants more and more concepts to try to understand. But somehow I understand the futility of trying to conceptualize the everything and nothing of all there is.

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Ilona
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Ilona » Tue Aug 14, 2018 6:26 pm

Dear peter, good to hear that you are back. Hope the experience you had in the jungle had many revelations and gifts for you.

You are right, integration of experience needs to happen. And it’s not a quick process. Whatever is left has to be allowed, included, accepted, integrated. It’s all about seeing that all the contractions are happening in spaciousness. Spaciousness is not getting contracted, it’s a space for contractions to come up. Just like sky and clouds. Sky is not getting contracted, when clouds appear.

I invite you to find the sense of self. Look at it. See it as a contraction that shows up in the spaciousness of being. Is that sense of self or a sense of contraction? Is this contraction a ghost in the shell or a fiction?
What do you notice when you observe the sense of self? Where is it? Is life happening to that sensation or as that sensation?

Write what you see.
Much love.

Ps. Glad to hear that my video was helpful. I’m going to make a few more :)
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Cyclewave
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Cyclewave » Sun Aug 19, 2018 6:52 pm

Dear peter, good to hear that you are back. Hope the experience you had in the jungle had many revelations and gifts for you.
The ancestral medicine is a kind and gentle way for many beings to experience a shift in their lives, including mine. It was an experience filled with many revelations and tools and gifts. I can see how it can become more fodder for the narrative if the essential emptiness and fullness of all there is isn't recognized...It can become dogmatic, like everything else!
You are right, integration of experience needs to happen. And it’s not a quick process. Whatever is left has to be allowed, included, accepted, integrated. It’s all about seeing that all the contractions are happening in spaciousness. Spaciousness is not getting contracted, it’s a space for contractions to come up. Just like sky and clouds. Sky is not getting contracted, when clouds appear.
When I sit still and turn my attention to it...I do experience something like spaciousness...but mostly the attention is dragged back into personal, egoic preoccupations...However when that is seen, there is a bit of distance from identifying with those thoughts.
It seems like I have reached a dead end with reading about it, listening, meditating, medicine, all practices. The preoccupation with recognizing the aliveness of every moment hasn't gone away at all, in fact it is happening all the time, and even the thought that "I'm the observer of this process" is just seen as another thought. Sometimes there is a ticklish feeling in the belly. Feels like I could lay an egg or come out of a coccoon. Strange.
I invite you to find the sense of self. Look at it. See it as a contraction that shows up in the spaciousness of being. Is that sense of self or a sense of contraction? Is this contraction a ghost in the shell or a fiction?
What do you notice when you observe the sense of self? Where is it? Is life happening to that sensation or as that sensation?
Looking is still happening...sense of self is still happening...It doesn't seem to reside anywhere, just like a scaffolding of thoughts....letting go, or trying to...also happening. Sometimes it feels like it is dissolving...I guess I'm still expecting rainbows and unicorns to pop up...however it happens when I'm driving or in a flooded basemen.

Sometimes when frustration arises it seems like I can see it as part of a story....I am thanking it for it's service.

Looking forward to watching your new video.. Looks like the simple life in Mexico is agreeing with you very well and it is inspiring to see that too.
Muchísimas gracias!
Write what you see.
Much love.
Ps. Glad to hear that my video was helpful. I’m going to make a few more :)

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Ilona
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Ilona » Wed Aug 22, 2018 7:48 pm

Looks that you are on the right track!
These occurrences of feeling spaciousness are a nice confirmation of that. The unicorns are coming :)

Is there a witness, outside of life happening, watching all happen?

Is there any doubt?

Much love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Cyclewave
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Cyclewave » Fri Aug 24, 2018 5:59 pm

Looks that you are on the right track!
These occurrences of feeling spaciousness are a nice confirmation of that. The unicorns are coming :)

Is there a witness, outside of life happening, watching all happen?

Is there any doubt?

Much love
Is there a witness outside of life happening. No. How can there be anything outside of life happening. This is all there is. The sense that "I" am watching thoughts arise and pass, or watching breaths, or anything else, is just more happening within life, within the everything and nothing. No doubt about this.
There is still a but...but it is known intellectually. The sense of a witness is still alive in this brain/body...and still doesn't want to let go. The sense of self is all it knows, and being present in the spaciousness of all there is is still seen as a death...

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Ilona
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Ilona » Fri Aug 24, 2018 9:50 pm

The sense of a witness is still alive in this brain/body...and still doesn't want to let go. The sense of self is all it knows, and being present in the spaciousness of all there is is still seen as a death...
When you look for the sense of witness where is that sense? Is a sensation alive? This sense of self is it a self? Is the sense you? Can a sensation die?

Here is a direction for you. Work with this. Examine it closer. Is there a permanent sensation? If sensation is no longer here, is it dead?

Sending love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Cyclewave
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Cyclewave » Thu Aug 30, 2018 6:08 pm

The sense of a witness is still alive in this brain/body...and still doesn't want to let go. The sense of self is all it knows, and being present in the spaciousness of all there is is still seen as a death...
When you look for the sense of witness where is that sense? Is a sensation alive? This sense of self is it a self? Is the sense you? Can a sensation die?
These questions from you come, and I am afraid to look at them, afraid of what I may see. No sense of self. Just a story...the sensation of self is just a sensation about the ego, or false self...It changes, pulsing into different degrees of solidity...but still in the story...which has an end, therefore cannot be before beginnings and endings...
So much is understood now that couldn't be seen before, yet there is still a sense of seeking, of uncompletedness...I'm sorry but that is how it is. I wake up with this inquiry and go to bed with it also...still listening to and reading about it too...
Yet...sometimes I'm laughing about the self that doesn't want to rest, how it already knows that it is a mirage, and the story says it is waiting for a bolt of lightning to get it to rest. There is no lightning bolt or blow to the head. This is it. Sort of a paradox. Restlessness...a big part of the personality for a long time.

Here is a direction for you. Work with this. Examine it closer. Is there a permanent sensation? If sensation is no longer here, is it dead?
Right, there is no permanent sensation. A sensation cannot die if it was never what you thought it was.
Very difficult to put words to this. I could write sooner, with more clever answers, but it feels like I am pondering these things for a long time. Maybe it's just laziness and resistance.
Sending love
Love to you.

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Ilona
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Ilona » Fri Aug 31, 2018 11:14 pm

Good work. Ok, restlessness. A sensation called restlessness. What is behind it? What is its job?
This energy itself, is felt and honoured. It’s as if it wants you to really take a good look at it. And you keep turning away. So gently allow it to arise in be present to whatever form it takes. And so it gets seen. And by that it frees.
Don’t try to get rid of the sensation, dive into it and explore as you have never before.

And tell me, what Is in the background of restlessness? What is that knows of it?
What does restlessness stick to? What does this restlessness want and what does it get?

That’s some nice homework for you.

Love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Cyclewave
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Cyclewave » Wed Sep 12, 2018 11:31 am

Good work. Ok, restlessness. A sensation called restlessness. What is behind it? What is its job?
This energy itself, is felt and honoured. It’s as if it wants you to really take a good look at it. And you keep turning away. So gently allow it to arise in be present to whatever form it takes. And so it gets seen. And by that it frees.
Don’t try to get rid of the sensation, dive into it and explore as you have never before.
The restlessness is a symptom of the life story...just more story...recognizing that this isn't really me anymore...
And yey...all the thoughts are still here, and still believed. The energy of seeking and restlessness is definitely subsiding, mostly i just chuckle at the thoughts that there is anywhere else to go...and yet the stroy keeps spinning. I know it really dowsn't matter if it goes away or not. What is, just is.
And tell me, what Is in the background of restlessness? What is that knows of it?
What does restlessness stick to? What does this restlessness want and what does it get?
The restlessness leads to lots of other thoughts spinning out of control, all of which drive the story away and onward...never allowing the self to just be.
That’s some nice homework for you.
I am going to write more because I don't want to slip back into unconsciousness!
Love
Love to you

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Cyclewave
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Cyclewave » Fri Sep 14, 2018 4:16 pm

Another day of everything arising from nothing...no changes of state and immersed in thoughts but seeing that they are just more clouds in the sky...they come and go...meditation is helpful for maintaining my equanimity, even though practices can't really change what is, or the process of recognizing it. It just feels effortless, getting on my bicycle and riding to school...teaching students, eating lunch, La de da....
As far as the resistance, fear, loathing, all of the blocks....all part of an old story...sometimes there is more or less identification with it.
Gratitude and love!

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Ilona
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Ilona » Sun Sep 16, 2018 2:08 pm

Nice, thank you for sharing. No changes of state? Are you still looking to change the state?
It is lovely to notice effortlessness. Sounds that something has shifted?
What else are you noticing that seems different from before we started this conversation?


Love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com

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Cyclewave
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Cyclewave » Tue Sep 18, 2018 6:29 pm

Nice, thank you for sharing. No changes of state? Are you still looking to change the state?
It is lovely to notice effortlessness. Sounds that something has shifted?
What else are you noticing that seems different from before we started this conversation?


Love
Well the person is still looking to change the state...and sometimes I feel fully engrossed in that drama. Other times it is like watching a movie and a role is being played out. All of the choices have been made in advance.
Things are shifting all the time...like waves in the ocean from moment to moment. And, also, nothing really has changed in terms of recognizing some amazing thing. It is all equally amazing. Sometimes it is effortless, other times I can still feel like I am carrying a heavy burden still...yet smiling about it more than before.
Love!

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Cyclewave
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Re: An end to seeking possible

Postby Cyclewave » Thu Sep 20, 2018 1:23 am

Time feels real, the body feels real. the heaviness feels real...grateful just to be here, yet how can this be liberation? Nothing is seen, or seen through. There is an intellectual understanding of the so called non-duality ideas, and maybe they are coloring my thoughts. All I want to do is just be! Here, now...not living in this fantasy dream of a future that never comes. It is too much to expect any more of your time and effort if things are just going to stay the same.
Love


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