good place

[graceabounds]

Hello dear,

The site has been recovered, but not all functionality is back up. :)

Mind is screaming 'distracted' but what I am reading is right on point. This is really the essence of what it means to LOOK rather than think.

Is 'dying' into awakening a thing? Or a thought? An expectation?

Is any of this actually painful? Or just... new? Colors, sounds, thoughts.

Pick up an object, any object. Really study it. Hold it.
Now describe the back side of the object, without turning it over. Can this be done?
How is it known what the back side looks like?
What tells what it looks like?

How can it be known that there is a back side at all?
Can the object be known at all?

Now put down the object and investigate the darkness, the nothingness behind the self.

What do you find?

[daisyrain]

Oh dearest of Beccs, hello :)

There's this on going game of thought:
"I could drink chocolate or coffee or, ... Aaah, that's not quite it"
"I could visit my in-laws or, aaah, it's not quite scratching the itch"
"I could watch YouTube, scroll Reddit, drink a shot, and, aaah, not quite it"

And so forth and so forth.
There is something I'm trying to solve.
There is something I'm running from.

Not sure if it's related, but there's also a movement of staying very soft, in the face of ?? Thought?tension?
and it's good or right. it's non reactive.

There also comes up a wondering about a certain pattern of reasoning:
Well, I can't look at X, because if X is not a solution/exit and everythings the same, then all is worse, because I don't have X as an escape anymore.

These seemingly unrelated things don't feel random.

is dying into awakening a thing? Or a thought? An expecation?

An expectation, a fear maybe.
let me quickly check, why it isn't perceived as just a thought.
Physically, I feel intensity in the feet.
There's an expectation of tightness in the chest (huh?)
A sensation of "shocked" comes.
a more distilled fear, a tingling somewhere in the lower right chest, spreading thought the upper legs, left knee, lightly over the face.

(Sidenote: it takes a bit of bravety doing this and not seeing how it pertains to awakening at all. it feels exposed and I notice the fear of being exposed as stupid or falling for a prank. Just writing this feels stupid vulnerable. I almost want to cry. Eyes are a bit wet even.)

"shocked" is felt in the forehead.
sitting with this.
thought comes: "Oh god, I am so..." (?)

chest, throat, jaw. face.
Thought about being very distracted.
Sensation comes very clean right now, like gas that burns without any smoke or residue.

there's something in the center of the chest, and it's scaring me.
tought: I want to cry
thought: Oh, it's no longer there

I feel it in my forehead.
in my heart, in the arms. it's immense.

thought: "Oh, I hope this in meanigless, because if it had meaning, I would be totaly wasting this right now."
thought: "actually, let me waste this on purpose, because I don't want to be the dumb guy who was so close and missed it"
thought: "I'm shock frosted right now"

Is any of this actually painful? Or just... new? Colors, sounds, thoughts.

thought: "It can't actually be new, right?"

thought: I'm suffering

Body is doing weird position and stretching.

thought: "I'm so fucking afraid of this hurting"

jittering and pressing hands against eyes.

Asking myself: Who/What could actually do something against this?
Heart sensation, becomes upper leg intensity.

Pick up an object, any object. Really study it. Hold it.
Now describe the back side of the object, without turning it over. Can this be done?
How is it known what the back side looks like?
What tells what it looks like?

There's a certain annoyed frustration coming up, trying to describe the backside from DE.
This is really "working itself through me".

Teeth gritting.

Thought: "But somethings WRONG

Sensation of tingling (interpreted as fear)

How can it be known that there is a back side at all?

thought: "Just a second ago, I saw it"
thought: "well, I know that there is backside"

this is odd.

silence.

thought image of "entire 3d body" comes up.

Can the object be known at all?

I don't know. <- huh, thought.
this is all a bit intense.

Now put down the object and investigate the darkness, the nothingness behind the self.
What do you find?

Image: Darkness around me.
Body does: pressing eyes shut, tensing up, bit defensive. "defensive" is a thought.
Body does sound "oaaah"
Body is really working here, flexing different muscles for extended periods of time and relexaing them again.
Oh, this might be a soothing / relaxation mechanism.

back to darkness.
eAHHHHH OH GOD

esödsfldasuiadsukhadsulh

back to darkness.

Yeah, part of this is thought image at least.
darkness in me comes as image.

Body is whining.

now, where's that forkin' darkness.
Come here kitty kitty, psssssppp psssp.

thoughts come, alright.

SEEING, IMMEEEEEENSE SEEING.
thought: oh fuck, I'm going of the rails

there's a strong pulling back from direct experience.

I see the darkness, yet isn't it "back of the eyelids" I am seeing?

Thought: "I wanna puke"

Jaw tensing. Forehead tensing.

there it is, darkness.
well, thoughts plop up.

there is believe in darkness around me.
there's a tension in my throat.
feels like e primordial or fundamental tension. i feel weird for typing this.
Sole of left foot felt intensly. oh yeah. getting managable. quite a tingling.

Thought: "I have no idea, what this is supposed to do or how it's supposed to be useful"

[graceabounds]

Exactly. YOU don't have an idea.
The body knows the way.

The darkness is a visual image.

How does the body want to move? Let it go.

What is in the center of the chest? In the forehead? Everywhere in the body? This thing that moves...
IS IT I? Or is it simply beingness without ownership.

Stay with IT.

[daisyrain]

Good Day Becc :)

(Note, some intermediate posts happened via email)

Is this true? What is being consumed?

I don't know. It's a feeling like the relaxation or better stretching of muscles, that haven't seen that in forever.
A very bodily sensation.
I can't find anything though that is experiencing this.
Right now I can't find this "being consumed" as such. Just that it's not exactly easy to let the relaxation happen and pass.

Are they separate? These senses?

Can this be answered?
Well, I'm not finding separation, but this doesn't make sense.
(I know that's okay, just typing away to my hearts content here).
But what about focusing on senses or not focusing? I feel it's not without meaning, to "keep taste/smell" in mind, actively. Even though I don't know what that would mean without a Doer.

There are some things I wanted to tell you in the meantime, I've taken notes a little:

I was so crazy exhausted yesterday, and I slept like a brick; as if I had taken sleeping medicine and a lot at that.
I feel a lot like there's some connection. I actually wanted to make some offhand joke about unlocking some kundalini charkra way past it's best-before date.

There's this thought coming back (sharing it, because I find the offended Attitude incredibly funny);
In a way reality is more and more hollow here. It has much less substance in a way that's evidently what this seeing is all about.
Okay, but the head sort of goes: "this is disgusting, I want to PUKE, I want my money BACK".
There's this voice, and it's ooooffended, it couldn't be funnier Becc :D

I want to share with you a blip of a detail of my life, because its so lovely and fun. I'm currently planning a wedding and it's really with SUCH a great partner and friend, and man, these things are INTENSE. So much responsibility. Also feel a bit proud about that :) It's so fun to write this.

The tension sort of makes way for sensation. Taking smell and taste into account, there's suddenly a lessening of tension. Like the tension is about unnoticed sensations? I don't know.

Also you asked, of that tension or intensity is "me".
It just came the question/noticing/thought/insight (yeah, whatever 😄) "where else would it be?" Which seemed to make sense. Really, where else could it be?

I either find sensation, which is nothing and nothing of me upon inspecting, or tension/intensity.

Of course, I'm turning a semi blind eye here to the fact, that I'm delving into thought a bit to write this. But I feel like that's okay. Nils can have a little thought, as a treat.


Best
Nils :)

[graceabounds]

I can't find anything though that is experiencing this.
Right now I can't find this "being consumed" as such. Just that it's not exactly easy to let the relaxation happen and pass.

If it is ‘not easy’ is there resistance to it? Is not easy a judgement?

But what about focusing on senses or not focusing? I feel it's not without meaning, to "keep taste/smell" in mind, actively. Even though I don't know what that would mean without a Doer.

Yes keep coming back to that un-labeling exercise, simply taste, simply smell etc. Practice meeting experience raw and noticing if it needs anyone to meet it

I was so crazy exhausted yesterday, and I slept like a brick; as if I had taken sleeping medicine and a lot at that.
I feel a lot like there's some connection. I actually wanted to make some offhand joke about unlocking some kundalini charkra way past it's best-before date

This is common. Most everyone has an embodied, energetic component of this process. This can sometimes feel electric and sometimes magnetic, and they can go back and forth. Electric is the waves of energy or spontaneous movements, magnetic is the heavy, sleepy, dense feeling.

Like the tension is about unnoticed sensations? I don't know.

Also you asked, of that tension or intensity is "me".
It just came the question/noticing/thought/insight (yeah, whatever 😄) "where else would it be?" Which seemed to make sense. Really, where else could it be?

Excellent. Very very good.
So look directly! Is there anything about it that says I, or is this an assumption? Can it just BE without ‘you’? Is the idea of you guarding it, holding onto it in some way?

[daisyrain]

If it is ‘not easy’ is there resistance to it? Is not easy a judgement?

Certainly some of this is thought based and stories (like "i haven't found time to practice", "it's hard to dive into this beside work").
Suspending judgement of arising sensations does feel a little like it needs care.
It's odd. It does imply a lot, that is based in thought. A doer, time, an alternative way of things to go.

I don't know. I guess it is about resistance, but it's not clear how that resistance comes to be or comes to be overcome.

So look directly! Is there anything about it that says I, or is this an assumption? Can it just BE without ‘you’? Is the idea of you guarding it, holding onto it in some way?

Lots of thoughts come about answering this some different time.
Thoughts coming about "but I don't know how to look"
Now thoughts coming about: "But what if I have been misleading, and I don't actually hold any sense of "I" there?"

all of that is not looking.

Not getting answers, just can remain (that is, if I can :D )