Hello Rali,
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No. And if there is not now then there never was.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of separate self is simply the untested belief that ‘Becca’ exists. That ‘I’ is conceived to be an invisible entity located somewhere in relation to this body, perhaps in the brain, who is always watching and pulling levers with the power to ‘do’ things, ‘choose’ and ‘control’. This entity is imagined to transcend the body after death and continue on existing, witnessing without form but still ‘Becca.’
‘My’ daughter said yesterday “the dog wants to go for a walk.” She just turned 3. The thought came that there is enough illusion of separate self there that she can project intention on an animal. A year ago she just was, in awe of everything, part of ‘me,’ one with direct experience. How that transition happens is pure speculation but she is surrounded by this illusion and absorbing language of I so perhaps it is all a learned behavior. If so then there is a thought that the future of the human experience could look quite different as more see through this illusion.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
The best word here is ‘effortless’. It is a work in progress, but at times there is just a flow of seeing and experiencing what is without any doing needed. The body moving itself. As a result a slowing down has occurred, and small ‘objects’: a flower, a bug are seen/experienced fully.
Also there is the ability to detach from the content of thoughts, to question and see them as automatic and not Truth. There is a process ongoing of experiencing sensations and separating them from the label and thought about a certain emotions. The sensations can be experienced without a story. The story is seen as unnecessary and as a thought after the fact. This all seems simple but is contributing to the ability to just be in what is occurring and not absorbed in the content of thought.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
There was not one distinct moment, it was a series but here are two moments of clarity:
The question: WITHOUT THOUGHT, is there a me? ‘Becca’ was not able to be described without using a description of the body or past thoughts.
Texting a grocery list to husband and recognizing that it was happening automatically, without a do-er.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Decision is a thought that there is a do-er to decide. It is based on thought content of past thoughts and another thought about what may happen in the future. There is no decider so there can be no decision made.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
Intention is a thought about the future. It isn’t real and hasn’t happened. Saying “I intend to go buy bread today” may as well be “I intend to go buy a pink elephant today.”
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
Free will implies that there is one who exists who is free to decide/choose/create or any one of a number of other words. There are only selective examples from past thought content. And many more examples from past thought content that contradicts free will. Did ‘I’ have free will to get a dog? What happened to ‘my’ free will to get a cat? Was it not free enough or not willed enough? There is a label dog and no label cat in direct experience. There is no entity that exists to have free will.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Choice is a thought that there is a do-er to choose something that hasn’t yet occurred. Today there was the apparent decision to cancel an obligation on the calendar and choose to ‘do’ something else instead. But neither the perceived obligation or the undetermined other thing have happened yet so this is all thought and more thought.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
This was the most important barrier to looking. In fact it was the thought perception/projection of control that started the journey to see and was blocking seeing because it could not look at itself because it was only a thought trying to look at another thought.
There is no control, no one to be in control, and no one/nothing to be controlled. This continues to come up to be examined. ‘My’ daughter is potty training. The illusion of controller wants her to sit on the potty at a particular time and for her to learn to use it. In direct experience she says no. The physical reaction that follows that no is connect to thought content about what ‘I’ think ‘she’ should be doing. The illusion of separate self with the ability to make something happen has crept in again. But in direct experience there is just seeing what is: the illusion of her sitting or not sitting or peeing on the floor or on the potty or whatever is. There may be sensations if she pees on me but there is no conflict to reconcile, just the experience.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
No idea. Unanswerable. It just is.
There is still an idea of God that emerges. But it is definitely a thought. A thought label that may still be applied to all that is perhaps but not a label that points to an entity in control of what is.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
This was a major turning point in looking.
I have ducks. (This languaging of everything is so incredibly unhelpful, obviously ‘I‘ don’t have anything but writing there are ducks doesn’t really convey that these particular ducks are regulars in this experience.) Lately there have been sightings on the property and nearby of a number of predators: fox, coyote, bobcat, even a bear. When there was the illusion of a separate self there was the impression that “I” needed to check on the ducks, feed the ducks, corral the ducks, protect the ducks and make sure they had fresh water for swimming.
During an early looking session there was a direct experience of clouds in the sky and what is and a thought floated in “I need to check on the ducks.” Then another thought “hmmmm… do ‘I’?….. The ducks are just fine. What is there for an I to do? They just are.” Then lots and lots of laughter followed. It was the first time the automatic I was noticed to be a thought and was examined as only a thought.
So the ducks, all of them, are still present in experience. They still eat and swim around and eat bugs. But this is happening more and more automatically, there is movement, food goes in a bowl, and the advance thoughts to ‘go do’ ‘go check’ are less and less.
The process of seeing that there is no I to be responsible for ‘my child’ is still unfolding but the ducks have been useful in pointing to what is possible.
6) Anything to add?
Still working out how LU even exists. It has been so incredibly helpful. Does it all happen automatically, this movement to support ‘others,’ like feeding the ducks? Maybe this circles back to the what makes it all work question. Unknowable. Hahaha.
Love and gratitude,
Becca
