Hi Rowena!
Please find the answers below.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No. There is just observing of sensations, of the coming and going of thoughts and emotions attached to them, the labeling process, the feelings of/in the body. Observing and letting everything come through. The feeling, that this is happening to somebody, someone is an added factor, which has it’s role (see below), but it limits everything.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
Why does this happen around the 2-3 years of life?
It is a frame for this human life, for functioning in this material world. Somehow separation, as the illusion of time, would be necessary, to live this life, in this body. It could be possible, that there is another dimension, where human life is happening, and this baby-state reactivates itself automatically after an age, just like we loosing are teeth and we grow new, stronger ones. Why this is not happening here, I can’t tell. But for some is happening. Why not for everybody, is the big mystery....And that is also a-ok.
It’s a self protecting/orienting system. It feeds itself from the past experiences. It thinks, that the known, what already has been tried out, and didn’t caused death (independently if it is a positive or negative experience), it’s the only save way. Everything which is unknown is dangerous and can lead to death. Hence the patterns, the boxes, the whole labeling is about safety and efficiency. The system doesn’t has to reinvent itself and its relationship to reality all the time, so it uses, the experiences, the pictures, the already saved data, to define the here and now. But in doing so, it gives a filter to our perception. We are not seeing reality, we are seeing reality to our filter, through the past somehow. It takes away the freshness, the curiosity. A lot of should arises, instead of coulds.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
The dialog and the DE method helped me first of all, to calm the f..down and accept everything that comes and goes. To understand what is happening. To accept the doubts, the ups and downs, the flip-flopping...ALL OF IT.
I thought that there is already a quite professional and honest self-inquiry in place, but I learned in this process, that there was a lot to learn and most of all differentiate. The exercises where eye opening, I love to show some of them to others also.
The difference is subtle and HUGE in the same time. The biggest thing is, that a complete letting go happened, or is happening continuously. This feels somehow like true self-love, true love of everything which arises and acceptance of it. There is no labeling, no filtering, of what is allowed to be felled, to be sensed. Come at me bruh! Come at me life! Or even better without the me: Come to yourself life! Haha…
Than there is this continuous sensation, of watching a movie. I hear myself and see the happenings as watching an actor in a movie.
This is hard to describe. But it also give a freshness, a constant prickling and curiosity. Loneliness vanished from one moment to the other, life became much more fascinating and less anxious. Anxiety and also loneliness can arise of course and they do, with ALL the rest, but it doesn’t effects anybody, there is no screen where a movie cold be played. This makes this living so much enjoyable and less heavy. Lot of burdens fall down, when there was realized it is only a thought, and there is nothing to do with it, just letting it through.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
Some weeks ago there was a lot of frustration because of this flip-flopping. I see, but than I can unsee it, not completely but the states during the day, or during the week were very different. Like an in between state of an old and a new operating system. I talked about this to my guides and sat with it. The consumption of tons of books, videos and podcasts can be very helpful, but can build up an expectation, how this whole process (?) should look like. After some time, days, hours of less thoughts, of less anxiety, of more equanimity, there was an expectation, that this should stay. Why is it changing back, why is there again distress...??? And then the inner war has begun: To whom is this happening, there is nobody there! This is BS, you are faking it! This whole non-duality is a scam, it’s a sect, everybody is brainwashed! Go back to normality, before it gets late and you become mad...etc.etc...
So this was quite tiring, but with the pointings I got, that I should realize that this is still labeling as it’s finest, I started to let everything just be...I got very tired of this...I couldn’t go on somehow. And than very quick, it all became very light and automatic... I don’t care how it SHOULD look like, how I SHOULD feel right now, if there is frustration let it be, the same with all the other feelings, sensations, happenings.
This was followed than by the „movie sensation”, described above. That everything is happening, and somehow this clinging, this „wanting of something else, what is”, is realized as something very arrogant... As a non existing self could control THIS WHAT IS HAPPENING. It’s not just arrogant, it is also very very very funny... hahaha. Realizing this makes me laugh all the time. I just laugh about all the inner voices, the anxiety, the doubts. I see them as a part, as a result of a system, but there is no identification with them. It’s just like the bittersweet laughing, when Windows has a long update and then it crushes during the update... It’s irritating and funny in the same time. But it doesn’t happens to a „me”, it’s just happens.
5) Describe decision and give examples from experience.
I don’t see any decision making anymore. It is as everything falls to it’s place.
Decision is being made, but not by a somebody. Decision happens.
Describe intention and give examples from experience.
Intention is a bit abstract. There is intention arising. Like there is good intention towards the creatures around me. It is a good feeling to care. So intentions arises, but it’s not „mine”.
Describe free will and give examples from experience.
This dissolved also during this period. Free will is an illusion of the „self” that it has control over life. But as it is seen now, there is no decision maker, no one, who has a will. It is flowing, happening and there is much curiosity in observing this. Anything can and will happen.
Describe choice and give examples from experience.
Choice is just happening. To choose the type of paving for the house is happening. There is an observation of the „choosing”.
But it’s funny...cause is it „this” who chooses, or is it the paving, which chooses to be in the house? Somehow it gets there and it looks great. Or not, but than it’s also just happening. It’s nobodies fault.
Describe control and give examples from experience.
Control is not trusting in what IS. It’s wanting else, what already is. It’s an illusion of safety, that „we” are in control, we decide etc. But in reality we are not in control of the slightest, smallest things, like thoughts, feelings, body functions, sickness etc. It is humbling to see this and accept it. Humbling but also freeing.
7) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your experience.
From the perspective I answered all the other questions, I’m not responsible of anything, since there is no „I” who could be responsible. How can the little wheel be responsible in a watch, or a wave in the ocean? Yeah, I know, this gets very corny, but hey this is how it feels now. Of course I wouldn’t tell this anybody, cause it’s quite a hot topic and impossible to grasp...haha...
8) Anything to add?
I just want to say thank you for creating this possibility. It is a great thing that there is somebody on the road, who guides you, corrects your little flaws, it makes things much more easier and faster (somehow this is also an illusion, illusion of time in this case, but it feels like it).
Also the meeting, the books from Ilona, Elena are really changing the paradigm. There are so many vague books and messages about this out there, that can be zero help and can cause lots of frustrations. All this stuff about maps and stages…oh my god, it’s so frustrating and leads only to expectations. This direct pointing what happens here is on the other hand very clear, very effective. No spiritual mumbo-jumbo, no false hopes, no fake guru shit. Just pure, clean message. It is very honest and very human. Thank you also Rowena, it was good to share and being guided by you.
Hugs
Sebi