Looking for a guide

[LanieRO]

Hi Rali,

Hope your weekend was lovely and relaxing. :)

I really loved your questions. I’ve spent a lot of time, over the past few years, exploring similar themes of healing emotional wounds based on intuitively feeling that I had to and it’s been incredibly transformative and healing and freeing. I’m constantly surprised that there is somehow still more that needs attention and that deeper energies in the body are still there and still need to be felt.

The energies tend to ebb and flow - they shifted over the weekend and are ebbing at the moment, which has been wonderfully peaceful and calming. Every time they are flowing I get a little bit deeper and sometimes something strong seems to release (it did this past weekend).

Notice if the idea “he was never there” is showing up as a way to avoid feeling the pain of his changing presence — or of his potential absence. If so, that’s okay too. It’s tender. That’s not failure — it’s just life trying to protect itself.
You don’t need to push the grief aside by replacing it with insight.
Let the grief move. Let the fear speak. Let it say “I don’t want to lose him” and really hear it — not to fix it, not to argue, but to meet it with honesty. There’s immense courage in doing that.

I hear the term “spiritual bypassing” thrown around a lot, and that definitely resonates. While there’s certainly a fantasy about being super enlightened and rising above the human feelings of grief and loss, I know that’s not real.

And I sit with this grief and resistance to grief a lot. It helps, for some reason.

That sense of being “chosen,” of wanting to feel special or secure — beautiful that you traced that all the way back to a thought… and found stillness beneath it.
I want to circle back to what you said about the insecurity — the part of you that felt validated by being chosen by Craig. That’s so honest, and it’s important.
Can you sense that this isn’t really about him — not about his presence or absence, not even about the marriage? That insecurity is older than this relationship. It’s not personal to Craig; it’s the echo of early conditioning… a learned sense of value tied to being seen, chosen, or wanted.
And now, as Craig changes — as the roles shift or dissolve — that old wound gets exposed again. Not because he’s doing anything wrong, and not because you're losing something real… but because something unresolved is being touched.

Yeah, this resonates so HARD. I sometimes feel frustrated when I notice that I am grieving not only Craig, but also the things that I get from him. And there is absolutely validation and safety that was missing in childhood that is found in this relationship, and there’s a fear that if this relationship shifts and ends, the validation and safety will be gone.

I’ve been spending time in this space. Sometimes it comes up quite powerfully and overwhelmingly, with energies through the body, and sometimes it settles and can be quiet for a while.

So maybe the fear isn’t truly about losing him. It’s about losing a story that once covered the wound. And that’s a different kind of loss — deeper, but more freeing, because it leads you back to what was never broken in the first place.
You don’t need to overwrite this with non-dual insight. You can let that young part be met, felt, seen — without needing to defend it or dissolve it.
What would it be like to let the insecurity exist… without rushing to fix it?

I love this. This is so important. It’s being with the direct experience of another and separating it out from the stories, the bandaids, the neediness, the codependency. Love and need can so easily be blurred.

[poppyseed]

Hi Lanie,
Reading this brought a lot of tenderness. The way you’re sitting with both the grief and the temptation to bypass it is very honest and courageous — not easy work, but clearly you're not turning away.

There is absolutely validation and safety that was missing in childhood that is found in this relationship...

Yes. And the fear of losing that external source makes total sense — until it’s seen that what he touches was never his to begin with. That need for safety, for being chosen, was already there. And now that he’s changing… it rises again. Not as punishment, not as failure — but as invitation.
Not to let him go prematurely. Not to detach. But to reclaim the sense of worth and safety that was always looking for a home in someone else’s hands.
Sometimes we’re afraid to let that young part fully express its ache, its rage, its grief — because we think it might swallow us. But you’re already seeing how, once felt, it moves. And what’s left… is often peace. Not because the loss was fixed, but because the fight ended.
So yes — love and need can get blurred. But when you sit in DE with what love actually feels like, what need actually feels like — do they still blend together? Or are they actually quite different frequencies, once the stories fall away?
With you in this…
Love
Rali

[LanieRO]

Hi Rali,

Hey, and hope you’re doing well. :)

But when you sit in DE with what love actually feels like, what need actually feels like — do they still blend together? Or are they actually quite different frequencies, once the stories fall away?

They’re totally different frequencies. The love has peacefulness and acceptance and is very open and expansive. There’s a lot of grief but it feels clean and smooth. There’s a flow to it.

The need has anxiety and fear. It can spiral. It’s more about me than about Craig. It’s controlling, and then gets angry when life resists control.

Well, that was a short message, compared to some. :)

[poppyseed]

Hi Lanie,
Yes! That distinction is clear — and beautifully said.

Love has peacefulness and acceptance…

That’s it. It flows, it doesn’t grip. It’s not trying to get anything. And when that other frequency shows up — anxiety, spirals, the urge to control — you can see it’s not about Craig at all. It’s the echo of a younger strategy that once thought gripping tighter meant feeling safer.
There’s nothing wrong with either. But knowing the difference — in direct experience — is what lets the old strategies unravel without force.
Really beautiful work here. Short or long — it’s always enough. :)

So let's review where we are at with the following questions.
What has changed and what hasn’t in normal everyday living. What changes? What stays the same?
What is the biggest difference from before starting this conversation?
Is seeking still going on?
Is there any confusion at all or anything you would like to address?
Can you say with a big fat YES, it is clear what the illusion of a separate self is?

We can have a look at time and memories in more detail if you want
Love
Rali

[LanieRO]

Hi Rali,

Apologies - my mom has been in town for a few days and I haven’t had the chance to be quite as diligent over the last few days. Should be back on schedule now though. Hope you’re doing well - I’m sure it’s HOT where you are! :)

What has changed and what hasn’t in normal everyday living. What changes? What stays the same?

I have stretches of flow where DE feels really vivid and thoughts quiet significantly. They are at most for a few days in a row, and then they leave for a bit. Feelings that come up can be very sensitive and direct and immediate, but they subside very quickly.

I can see through the “doer” and the “controller” and the “decider” and see that those are thoughts. (I have to periodically refresh this understanding).

It feels like I’m blinking in and out, or part of the flow, then fall out of it. When I fall out, the temptation is to “do” something to try and get back in but that doesn’t seem to work but the part that knows how to “let” the flow happen seems inaccessible in some way.

What is the biggest difference from before starting this conversation?

I’m seeing through things that I didn’t think were thoughts. Like procrastination - I didn’t realize the way I was attached to it and used it as a tool to distract myself from feeling things I didn’t want to feel. Having a sense of “I should really do X” is a great distraction - I previously thought I was a bit lazy.

Ditto for thoughts like “I definitely need a cookie / some wine.” Just thoughts. Just avoiding something.

I can also see that things like moods are just thoughts. When I wake up in the morning and think I’m grouchy or irritable - that’s just a thought. It’s not real and there’s no substance; it’s only a label that I’ve applied to myself and believed. This is a fantastic delusion to see through!

Is seeking still going on?

Yeah. The mind re-assumes control quite easily and starts stressing and trying to “decide” what it “should” do which is really draining. And pointless. Whenever I fall out of that non-doer, flow state, the mind tries to get back there through effort and brute force.

And there’s still seeking to drop harmful beliefs, such as I’m not good enough, or beliefs surrounding the various ways that I “need” my husband. I know they’re not true, but they stick and it feels like an exhausting chase going on. It’s been a challenge to see through and let go of the deeper layers of conditioning and belief. The mind tries to “help” the process is working hard to break free - which is counterproductive, but has not been easy to stop.

Is there any confusion at all or anything you would like to address?

I think the dropping of beliefs has been hard. I’m finding DE reactions to weird things - like my views on money or gender feel reactionary. I also saw my family over the weekend and am confident in saying there’s a fair bit of reactionary-ness going on.

You’ve said before that when I’m in the flow state, that that is it - that’s what I lean into, that’s what I’m looking for. I believe that. There’s a lot of peace there. I’m confused as to why it’s so hard to stay there.

I’m also curious as to what to do next to deepen insight. It certainly feels like there is plenty more.

Can you say with a big fat YES, it is clear what the illusion of a separate self is?

I don’t think so. Not today, anyway. Some days I'm much closer to a YES, but it depends.

[poppyseed]

Hi Lanie

Thanks for the thoughtful check-in — and no worries at all about the pause. Glad you got time with your mom. (And no it’s not really that hot – we have generally very moderate climate)

It feels like I’m blinking in and out, or part of the flow, then fall out of it. When I fall out, the temptation is to “do” something to try and get back in but that doesn’t seem to work but the part that knows how to “let” the flow happen seems inaccessible in some way.

I’m also curious as to what to do next to deepen insight. It certainly feels like there is plenty more.

It’s beautiful how clearly you’re noticing the shifts — flowing in, dropping out, the mind jumping in to “fix” what was never broken. That’s a very common phase: the blinking. And what’s key is this:
The temptation is to “do” something to get back in, but that doesn’t work.
Yes. Because there’s no “back in” — the idea of being out of it is itself just another story arising in it.

Do you need to know anything in order to be? Do you need to do anything in order to be? Do you need to hold on to being, because it can slip away? Or it can be taken away? Do you need to survive in order to be?

How is it possible to "maintain" something when you are present? Present moment is just one present moment, and has anything to do with a duration of a certain state.

To “improve” suggest that there is something wrong with it, like it can be different than what it IS. But can it be in a different way than it is now, perfect? Look out for these sneaky expectations! Are they even yours??

Even the thought “I’ve lost it” is just… another icon on the desktop.
You don’t have to “get back” — just see that the seeking is happening, and that’s also just life doing what it does – self-organising/lifing. Even the energy of seeking… just more sensation + thought. Let it appear. Let it do its thing. It doesn't need to be stopped — just not believed.

You said this beautifully:

I’m seeing through things I didn’t think were thoughts.

YES. That’s a huge shift. When procrastination, moods, cravings, even identity labels (like “I’m lazy”) are seen as thoughts, not facts, then the whole world gets lighter.
Even “I need this relationship,” “I should be different,” “I’m not good enough” — all of it… just thought forms arising conditionally.
And yet, as you’ve seen, some of them don’t want to dissolve so easily. Why?
Because they’ve been serving a function. They’re protectors. They’re not villains — they’re old survival strategies. “If I believe this, maybe I’ll stay safe. Maybe I’ll stay loved.”
So when you say:
“I know it’s not true, but it sticks…”
That’s okay. Let that be exactly as it is. No need to yank out old roots, no need for psychoanalysis. Just notice, meet it tenderly, stay with it, and see that even the clinging is just happening. Not yours. Not wrong. Not personal.

You’ve said before that when I’m in the flow state, that that is it - that’s what I lean into, that’s what I’m looking for. I believe that. There’s a lot of peace there. I’m confused as to why it’s so hard to stay there.

Ah — this is the mind’s million-dollar question. And the answer is…
Because you don’t need to.
You’re never not in the flow. There’s just the thought “this isn’t it.”
The moment you believe that thought, a cascade of “doing” begins — and then it feels like you’ve dropped out. But even that experience is part of the river. There’s no outside to it.
So what if you didn’t try to “stay” there at all?
What if the effort to maintain is the only thing interrupting it?
Here is a Mahamudra koan for your contemplation:
Is there a difference between abiding in tranquillity and moving in thought?

Here a video that might be helpful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJQcD588g2w
Here is an article that you might find "informative":
https://vinceschubert.substack.com/p/wh ... KvAzMYmYlw

And there’s still seeking to drop harmful beliefs, such as I’m not good enough, or beliefs surrounding the various ways that I “need” my husband. I know they’re not true, but they stick and it feels like an exhausting chase going on. It’s been a challenge to see through and let go of the deeper layers of conditioning and belief. The mind tries to “help” the process is working hard to break free - which is counterproductive, but has not been easy to stop.

The seeking you describe is part of a beautiful unwinding. The deeper patterns — around gender, money, family, identity — those don’t need to be fixed or dropped right now. You’re not behind or missing anything. The insight that there’s more to see is already insight into it.
And when beliefs like “I’m not good enough” or “I need to do more” arise…
Can you meet them as just thoughts trying to help? An opportunity to be seen for what they are?
Can you let even “I need to deepen insight” be just another story — without making it wrong?

Some days I’m much closer to a YES, but it depends.

Perfect. That honesty is the clarity. The self isn’t a thing — it’s a shifting pattern of thoughts, sensations, and beliefs that sometimes grab tight and sometimes dissolve.
So instead of asking, “Can I say YES?”…
Try asking: “Is this too… just happening?”
And let even the no be welcome.

We can have a look at time and memories in more detail if you want. It could be helpful to poke another hole into the illusion of a permanent or changing self.
Sending warmth, and really… you’re right on track.
Love
Rali

[LanieRO]

Hi Rali,

Thanks for the message; I read it quite a number of times and it has been really helpful. Every time I read it something different jumped out. I also liked the links you included, particularly the one to Vince Shuber’s article.

Yes. Because there’s no “back in” — the idea of being out of it is itself just another story arising in it.

I feel a resounding "YES" inside to this sentence!

Do you need to know anything in order to be? Do you need to do anything in order to be? Do you need to hold on to being, because it can slip away? Or it can be taken away? Do you need to survive in order to be?

Yeah… it’s a letting, rather than a doing. It’s relaxing into what is here, rather than a forcing into a more real here. It’s not chasing anything. It’s stopping the pursuit.

How is it possible to "maintain" something when you are present?

Oof, I love this (and hate it). There’s such a conditioned pattern that says I have to maintain anything I get - language skills, pushups, relationships. But what’s here is in flow and cannot be maintained. Maintaining would be stepping out of it in order to do it. Maintaining it is imagining some sort of security for the future, which is paradoxical to experiencing it now.

To “improve” suggest that there is something wrong with it, like it can be different than what it IS. But can it be in a different way than it is now, perfect? Look out for these sneaky expectations! Are they even yours??

I think I got a little lost on this one. Of course the present can’t be different than it is, but is it perfect? And the expectations that it should be are probably from everyone, myself included. I think I might have missed the point here.

Even “I need this relationship,” “I should be different,” “I’m not good enough” — all of it… just thought forms arising conditionally.
And yet, as you’ve seen, some of them don’t want to dissolve so easily. Why?
Because they’ve been serving a function. They’re protectors. They’re not villains — they’re old survival strategies. “If I believe this, maybe I’ll stay safe. Maybe I’ll stay loved.”
So when you say:
“I know it’s not true, but it sticks…”
That’s okay. Let that be exactly as it is. No need to yank out old roots, no need for psychoanalysis. Just notice, meet it tenderly, stay with it, and see that even the clinging is just happening. Not yours. Not wrong. Not personal.

Yeah… this is very clear. One of the articles you sent talked about the awakening happening in the nervous system. Sometimes with these reactionary feelings and from time to time it feels like the bottom falls out and it’s really hard to inhale for a bit, and then it’s like a little bit of energy starts flowing through that part and I think it might be the nervous system rewiring.

You’re never not in the flow. There’s just the thought “this isn’t it.”
The moment you believe that thought, a cascade of “doing” begins — and then it feels like you’ve dropped out. But even that experience is part of the river. There’s no outside to it.

Okay. That makes sense. I’ll lean into remembering that being outside of it is a story and drop the effort.

So what if you didn’t try to “stay” there at all?
What if the effort to maintain is the only thing interrupting it?

I’ve been cuing myself with the reminder “no effort” which seems a bit like trying not to try, but nevertheless seems helpful.

Here is a Mahamudra koan for your contemplation:
Is there a difference between abiding in tranquillity and moving in thought?

Umm…. yeah…

I’m sure that’s the wrong answer but they seem quite different from my perspective.

Although I kind of get a mental image of a swimmer in the water, just chilling versus swimming amid the turbulence and in both cases they just are what they are, and immersed in the same substance. So maybe, in that sense there’s no difference? I think you’re getting at the point you mentioned earlier about there’s no outside of it when you’re in the water, no matter what kind of swimming you’re doing at any given time.

You’re not behind or missing anything. The insight that there’s more to see is already insight into it.
And when beliefs like “I’m not good enough” or “I need to do more” arise…
Can you meet them as just thoughts trying to help? An opportunity to be seen for what they are?
Can you let even “I need to deepen insight” be just another story — without making it wrong?

I like the part about thoughts trying to help. A nice reminder that they’re not the enemy, they’re just conditioned and they are conditioned in ways that (might) benefit me.

And yes, good reminder - ‘I need to do more’ is just story.

So instead of asking, “Can I say YES?”…
Try asking: “Is this too… just happening?”

Basically, I’m hearing a call to put down the striving, the reaching, the pushing for some sort of attainment and just be. The answer is in the stopping, not the striving. Despite being easy, it’s pretty hard. :) But yeah, I see that, and what’s here is what’s here.

It could be helpful to poke another hole into the illusion of a permanent or changing self.

Yes, that sounds quite fun.

[poppyseed]

Hi Lanie,
I’m so glad the last message landed in waves — and how beautifully you’ve explored it all here. There’s such an honest unfolding in your words. I’m really glad the links resonated too — Vince’s article is a gem.
Let’s walk through a few reflections together:

Yes. Because there’s no “back in” — the idea of being out of it is itself just another story arising in it.

I feel a resounding "YES" inside to this sentence!

That line caught something important — not just conceptually, but felt. There’s no "out" of what’s already happening. No "in" to strive for. Even the thought “I’ve dropped out” is part of the stream — part of the happening.
So what’s left when that thought is no longer believed?
Just this. Effortless, vivid, ordinary.
It’s not a doing, it’s a letting. Not even a letting go (which still implies a gripper), but the absence of needing to grip in the first place. It’s not chasing anything — it’s stopping the pursuit and letting what’s already fully here be enough.

Maintaining it is imagining some sort of security for the future…

Exactly. To “maintain” is already to step into the imagined future and try to manage it. Which means you’re no longer just here. But letting go of managing doesn't mean doing nothing in the conventional sense — it doesn’t mean staying in bed all day or dropping out of life. This is not about passivity. It’s about moving without tension — letting life move through you without gripping or controlling it. You can still cook, speak, work, walk, make decisions… but without the inner pressure to maintain some imagined state or outcome. Let “no effort” become more than a cue — let it become curiosity:
What happens when nothing is managed?
What’s here when there’s no project to complete or self to preserve?
What’s it like when action arises from presence, not from fear?

I think I got a little lost on this one. Of course the present can’t be different than it is, but is it perfect?

“Perfect” isn’t about everything going right. It’s not the ideal outcome, or a 100% success rating. That’s perfection as a concept — a mental comparison to what should be. That’s perfection as defined by thought — by conditioned concepts of good/bad, better/worse, fix/improve.
But look more directly. THIS (What IS) is beyond qualities and flaws to be added or removed, accepted or rejected. Perfection is a flawless state where everything is exactly right the way it is, because it can’t be any other way than it is happening right now. Faults and flaws are only ever found in thought, which labels this moment as “not enough,” “too much,” “wrong,” “unpleasant,” or “broken,” “positive or negative”, “to be desired or avoided, followed by alternative scenarios, future improvements (the controller). LOOK:
Can there be any flaw in what is — before the thought that calls it flawed?
Can anything be wrong before the judgment “this shouldn’t be happening” shows up?
What if nothing is broken? What if this is already whole — not because it’s ideal, but because it’s undivided?

“Perfect” here simply means whole — unresisted, uncut, not split between “what is” and “what should be.” True perfection is what’s left when resistance ends.
Surrender isn’t resignation. It’s not passivity, or spiritual bypassing. It’s the end of arguing with the moment. The end of mental fault-finding. It’s what remains when resistance falls away.
So instead of asking “is this perfect?” — which relies on an imaginary scale — you can ask:
Is there anything lacking before a thought says it is?
Is something wrong before a judgment appears?
That’s the kind of seeing that dissolves the pressure to fix, change, or upgrade this moment. It doesn't mean comfort, but it means wholeness — nothing separate, even when there’s discomfort.

How is it possible to "maintain" something when you are present?

Oof, I love this (and hate it).

Haha — that’s the perfect response. We’ve been conditioned to believe that what matters must be efforted into permanence. But what’s here isn’t static. Flow doesn’t need to be “maintained” — it just moves. Trying to maintain it is already stepping out of it, trying to split from it in order to manage it. Just impossible.

It feels like the nervous system rewiring.

Yes. That’s a real, felt thing. Awakening isn't just intellectual (in thought)— it's somatic. Old strategies stored in the nervous system rise and release. That bottom-dropping-out feeling? That’s a powerful “energetic” opening. No need to fix it. Just be with it — as sensation. It’s all self-organising. Nothing personal is happening. Just life adjusting to what’s true.

Is there a difference between abiding in tranquillity and moving in thought?

Umm…. yeah…I’m sure that’s the wrong answer but they seem quite different from my perspective.

Great reflections here. Exactly. In one way, they’re clearly different experiences — just like silence and music are different. But in another way, they're both made of the same thing. Just aliveness, appearing. There’s no contradiction in both being true:
Stillness is movement. Movement is stillness.
Just different flavours of the same being. Different "shapes" in the same lave lamp.

Basically, I’m hearing a call to put down the striving, the reaching, the pushing for some sort of attainment and just be. The answer is in the stopping, not the striving. Despite being easy, it’s pretty hard. :) But yeah, I see that, and what’s here is what’s here.

Yes. There’s no finish line. And no one crossing it. Just moments unfolding. No one doing them. No one behind the thoughts, or behind the experience.
And yet — as you said — the simplicity is what makes it difficult.
That’s why this isn’t about achievement… but about letting go, again and again.

Let’s look at time and memories next as this reply got quite long :)

Love
Rali

[LanieRO]

Hi Rali,

I like the idea of looking at time and memories. I’ve been continuing to try and poke holes in the sense of self - thoughts fall fairly easily, beliefs have to go one by one, and some of them need some time, the sense of controller came back strongly but can be dissuaded with consistent looking, and the sense of awareness has reassumed her self-throne and used handcuffs to lock herself in place. Poking holes in the concept of self is pretty time consuming and hard, but I’m pretty sure it will fall. :)

There’s no "out" of what’s already happening. No "in" to strive for. Even the thought “I’ve dropped out” is part of the stream — part of the happening.
So what’s left when that thought is no longer believed?

Direct experience. Much less struggle. Deeper breaths and a relaxed chest.

What happens when nothing is managed?
What’s here when there’s no project to complete or self to preserve?

When nothing is managed, there’s guilt-free mind wandering and dreaming, which feels pretty indulgent. (I’ve tried to be “mindful” for so long. It feels like letting a dog off the leash and it’s great).

What’s here when there’s no self-project? Less self obsession and self-improvement. More engagement with everything else - the people, the colours, the smells.

What’s it like when action arises from presence, not from fear?

It’s really nice. I work with super high risk vulnerable adults (I’m a literacy teacher on a reserve) and I just feel this groundedness. One of my lovely students was telling me about how her 13 year old daughter keeps running away and is potentially involved in sex work and I just sat with her and held the space with her with no attempt to fix it or give advice or change her parenting style in any way. It was abundantly clear to me that she was doing the best she could with the tools she had available to her, even if her tools might be falling a bit short of Canadian family law.

The knee jerk reactions when people tell me awful things don’t really happen anymore. And people can tell me terrible things that they’ve done and again, reaction is reduced. I don’t feel like I need to people-please and make it better and say it wasn’t that bad, and I don’t try and give advice on how they can change.

Faults and flaws are only ever found in thought…LOOK:
Can there be any flaw in what is — before the thought that calls it flawed?
Can anything be wrong before the judgment “this shouldn’t be happening” shows up?
What if nothing is broken? What if this is already whole — not because it’s ideal, but because it’s undivided?

I suppose flaws are always thoughts.

What do you mean with “not because it’s ideal, but because it’s undivided?” I thought about this for quite a while and didn’t get very far. :)

“Perfect” here simply means whole — unresisted, uncut, not split between “what is” and “what should be.” True perfection is what’s left when resistance ends.

I like this. More of a relaxing into being rather than achieving a certain quality of being.

Surrender isn’t resignation. It’s not passivity, or spiritual bypassing. It’s the end of arguing with the moment. The end of mental fault-finding. It’s what remains when resistance falls away.
So instead of asking “is this perfect?” — which relies on an imaginary scale — you can ask:
Is there anything lacking before a thought says it is?
Is something wrong before a judgment appears?

This is sort of a radical releasing of judgement and letting go into the flow. Some things are really intuitive and freeing - like, I’m feeling annoyed at the dirty kitchen right now, and that feels quite nice to drop and let this moment with the dirty kitchen be perfect.

Other moments feel a bit more demanding of action, like being cold or having wet socks. I suppose the necessity of action doesn’t ruin the perfection in any way.

I can accept it for most things, but what about for something more important, like a car accident or something? It’s harder to let go and not wish that were different.

[poppyseed]

Hi Lanie
It’s lovely to hear the depth of your ongoing inquiry — and how it’s rippling through both your inner life and your work with others.

Poking holes in the concept of self is pretty time consuming and hard, but I’m pretty sure it will fall.

Yes! And it sounds like it already is. Not necessarily in a grand, fireworks way — but in all these subtle, quiet shifts you’re naming: the dropping of judgment, the loosening of control, the freedom to let mind-wandering happen, the softening of reaction, the absence of self-improvement as a project. That’s it. That is the dissolving.

and the sense of awareness has reassumed her self-throne and used handcuffs to lock herself in place

You can always have a fresh look – you don’t have to remember what was seen already. Just one quick peek:
Is this ‘awareness’ a stable entity? Or is ‘awareness’ just another thought showing up — claiming a throne that doesn’t exist?
Where exactly is this ‘awareness’ located — and who is it that’s ‘aware of being aware’?
It’s easy to get hooked in language but once you start pulling all the threads it comes undone quite quickly.

You asked a great question:

What do you mean with ‘not because it’s ideal, but because it’s undivided’?

Let’s look...When the mind says “this shouldn’t be happening,” it divides what is from what it thinks should be. That’s what creates suffering. Not the situation — but the resistance to it. The imagined “better” moment.
But before that resistance shows up, what’s actually here? One undivided happening. Not perfect in the “flawless” sense — just whole, already complete, because nothing is split from it.
Even cold socks. Or heartbreak. Or confusion.

Other moments feel a bit more demanding of action, like being cold or having wet socks. I suppose the necessity of action doesn’t ruin the perfection in any way.

Exactly — beautifully seen. Action can still arise. This isn’t about passivity. You don’t have to “stay in bed all day” to be in non-resistance. You can still dry your socks. But when action arises from presence — instead of control, or shoulds — even the doing is easeful. Remember …it’s not like the self died and left a hole to be filled – it simply never existed. Things have always been “done” (even though the self was never there) so nothing new here. Just the story that accompanies all that is seen as empty, as a tool, an icon. Dishes get washed (or not :)) and the narration is just like the commentary on a soccer game. The commentator (thought) offers lots of know-how, even advice. It seems to feel as though they can influence, somehow, what is going on, as though one outcome is much preferred to the opposite outcome. The commentary may seem to heighten any supporter feelings which are there, and call for an identification with one team or other, and with the importance of the game itself. However…
Is the commentary on the soccer game a necessity for the play to happen? And in the same way, is the inner narration of thought a necessity for the play of life to happen?

I can accept it for most things, but what about something more important, like a car accident or something?

Another great question. This isn’t about pretending pain isn’t painful. Or bypassing real-world consequences. There’s still compassion. Still grief. Still action when needed. But it’s free of the mental war with what’s already happened.
Even after a car accident, can the moment after it — this one right now — be whole, even if intense?
It’s not that you “shouldn’t” wish something hadn’t happened. It’s just that that wish is also part of what’s happening — and can be seen as just another movement in the stream.
So the invitation isn’t to agree with every experience — but to notice how much suffering comes from arguing with it. In Buddhism, the first arrow is the initial pain from an external event, while the second arrow is the unnecessary suffering caused by our reaction to that pain. The first arrow is inevitable, but the second arrow—our anger, judgment, or resistance—is optional and can be avoided.
And you’re doing that. Over and over again. Whether it’s dirty dishes or deep grief or soggy socks — you’re learning to meet it, rather than fight it.

This line really stood out:

More engagement with everything else — the people, the colours, the smells.

Yes. That’s the texture of no-self. Not detachment — but a more intimate connection with everything. Because when the “self” isn’t being managed, the world gets very vivid.
Here’s a simple pointer to sit with next:
Can you find any part of this moment that is not already happening by itself?
Look closely. Is anything missing… before a thought says it is?
Keep resting here. Keep meeting what shows up. Even the seeking. Even the resistance. All of it’s included. All of it’s just this — undivided.
Love
Rali

[LanieRO]

Hi Rali,

Hope your weekend is going well! :)

Is this ‘awareness’ a stable entity? Or is ‘awareness’ just another thought showing up — claiming a throne that doesn’t exist?
Where exactly is this ‘awareness’ located — and who is it that’s ‘aware of being aware’?

Sometimes I wonder if I “believe” awareness is a thought or if I “see” awareness is a thought. It’s almost like there’s a model or framework where awareness is a concept in consciousness, and understanding that framework, I “see” awareness as quite similar in nature to other thoughts and beliefs.

Awareness is not stable at all and is at times basically absent. It feels located in my head behind my eyes. I think awareness is aware of being aware when it is aware, but since it isn’t really stable perhaps it can’t be a self but is perhaps a faculty of mind.

Does the sense of awareness drop at some point? Or does it just stop being identified with?

Let’s look...When the mind says “this shouldn’t be happening,” it divides what is from what it thinks should be. That’s what creates suffering. Not the situation — but the resistance to it. The imagined “better” moment.
But before that resistance shows up, what’s actually here?

Just direct experience. Life unfolding.

Is the commentary on the soccer game a necessity for the play to happen? And in the same way, is the inner narration of thought a necessity for the play of life to happen?

Nope! Sports narration is incredibly annoying. So is life narration. They’re both a step away from just witnessing.

Even after a car accident, can the moment after it — this one right now — be whole, even if intense?

Yeah. I can see that.

Can you find any part of this moment that is not already happening by itself?
Look closely. Is anything missing… before a thought says it is?

I don’t think so. It just does itself.

I don’t feel shocked or surprised or like a major shift into non-doer, but I feel like the inner doer has slowly been shrinking and fading. It’s been gradual and subtle.

[poppyseed]

Hi Lanie,
Thanks for such a thoughtful reply — and I’m glad to hear your weekend’s been offering some stillness and insight.

Sometimes I wonder if I ‘believe’ awareness is a thought or if I ‘see’ awareness is a thought.

Such an important line to notice — that gap between believing and seeing. Belief can hold onto models, frameworks, and mental constructs. But seeing doesn’t need belief — it just lands. When something is “seen,” it’s no longer debated. There’s no effort to hold it in place, no intellectual model propping it up. It’s just… obvious.
So let’s poke gently again:
If “awareness” is located behind the eyes, what exactly is found there?
Is that location seen, or thought?
You also mentioned awareness being unstable or absent at times. That’s a key clue. If it can vanish, what remains?
What notices its absence?
And does that noticing require a “self” or an “awareness” to claim it?
A few invitations, if it feels helpful to explore further:
When awareness feels absent — who notices that? What is still here?
Can there be an “absence” of awareness… if there’s no one to miss it?
If “awareness” is claimed by thought, does that make it more than thought?

Sports narration is incredibly annoying. So is life narration. They’re both a step away from just witnessing.

Is “witnessing” something being done — or just another label added to what’s already happening?
If there’s no witness-er… is there really “witnessing”?
Try this:
Close your eyes. Feel the breath, sounds, maybe some flickers of light.
Without naming it… without even calling it “awareness” or “witnessing”…
What’s actually here?
Not “someone witnessing.” Not “witnessing happening.”
Just this.
Unlabelled. Unowned. Unclaimed. Unnarrated.
Even “witnessing” might just be another icon on the desktop.

I feel like the inner doer has slowly been shrinking and fading. It’s been gradual and subtle.

Ususally this is exactly how it unfolds: not with fireworks or finality, but with gentle erosion. A slow dissolving of something that never had real substance to begin with.

And this line really stood out:

It just does itself.

Exactly. That’s the pulse of it. No need to force some dramatic realization. You’re already seeing what’s essential — that everything is already happening by itself, with or without a narrator, a manager, or a witness to confirm it. Whether the doer shows up or not, whether awareness is “on” or not — this is already happening. Thought may say “I’ve dropped out” or “I need to get back in,” , “I’m aware/I’m not aware” but even that story is already part of the flow.
So maybe sit with:
Can anything be missing before a thought says it is?
Is there a stable “awareness,” or just more experience being labelled?
Who/what needs to “hold” this moment for it to be?
No need to rush. Let’s keep meeting what shows up — not to fix or finalize, but to see what’s really here, without effort or conclusion.
Love
Rali

[LanieRO]

Hi Rali,

Hope your week is starting off well. Looking into awareness is quite hard! These types of questions are really valuable (although time consuming) as they are something i struggle to look at on my own or to ask myself. They usually end up feeling quite freeing and filled with insight,.

If “awareness” is located behind the eyes, what exactly is found there?
Is that location seen, or thought?

Oh wow, yes, I very much imagined that spot behind the eyes and there’s nothing there. And then awareness itself is also a thought and it all dropped for a moment. There was just direct experience; no past or future and nothing to do (except this message).

You also mentioned awareness being unstable or absent at times. That’s a key clue. If it can vanish, what remains?
What notices its absence?
And does that noticing require a “self” or an “awareness” to claim it?

When awareness vanishes, there’s direct experience.

I’m not sure what notices it’s absence, but I’m worried it might be a smaller, sneakier awareness that doesn’t take on an imagined form or location. The ghost of awarenesses past. I don’t always get this sense - sometimes no one notices, but sometimes it feels like someone is invisibly watching from a spot that is nowhere.

Noticing does not require a self to claim it.

When awareness feels absent — who notices that? What is still here?
Can there be an “absence” of awareness… if there’s no one to miss it?
If “awareness” is claimed by thought, does that make it more than thought?

I’m finding a lot of story coming up, and a lot of attachment to awareness. I had an unpredictable and volatile parent, and vigilant awareness and keeping good track of what was going on was important, and the awareness is holding a lot of anxiety. I think it also knows it’s not real, hence the shape-shifting.

There’s beliefs attached like “anxiety and vigilance are necessary for safety.” The direct experience is muscles tightening through my legs and shoulders, my throat closing or tightening, and my heart beating quite a bit faster. I feel a bit sick in my stomach and my breaths are very long and very deep. It feels like something is unwinding.

Is “witnessing” something being done — or just another label added to what’s already happening?
If there’s no witness-er… is there really “witnessing”?

Sometimes. Sometimes things just happen - I can hear music, and the music just is, but other times, I hear music and i’m claiming it as part of my own personal internal soundtrack.

Close your eyes. Feel the breath, sounds, maybe some flickers of light.
Without naming it… without even calling it “awareness” or “witnessing”…
What’s actually here?

Warm blankets and warm legs. Music. Explosions (?). Dry lips. Garlic smell. Tight throat. Hot feeling in belly.

Is there a stable “awareness,” or just more experience being labelled?
Who/what needs to “hold” this moment for it to be?

It is just a label, for sure.

I’m just realizing how much effort and focus goes into “holding” a moment in “awareness” rather than just letting it be and letting it flow. It feels like writing, directing, and producing a very boring movie that no one will ever watch.

And if i drop the effort of trying to drop awareness, it does seem to flow again without the grasping and holding. Wow.

[poppyseed]

Wow Lanie. I apologise! I wrote a reply and I thought I sent it but it still sits here as a draft. I was wondering why you are not replying :))
Here is the unfortunate reply:

Hi Lanie
That’s an extraordinary reflection and a huge turning point.
This part really landed:

It feels like writing, directing, and producing a very boring movie that no one will ever watch.

Exactly. That’s the internal narration — the exhausting “holding together” of a moment that never needed to be managed in the first place. The sense of “awareness” that feels vigilant, tense, effortful… is often just that: a strategy, born from early conditioning, trying to make sure you’re okay.
But now — seen for what it is — it starts to soften.

Here’s a gentle pointer to deepen this:
What if there’s no one holding this moment — and never was?
Is anything actually “kept in awareness”… or is everything simply being, with no middleman?
Let this question echo for a bit:
What would this be… without anyone holding it?
Not trying to drop awareness. Not trying to keep awareness. Just no effort.
No watcher. No holding.

Sometimes things just happen... but other times, I hear music and I’m claiming it as part of my own personal internal soundtrack.

That’s such a clear seeing. But now notice…You’re describing two distinct modes of relating to experience:

1. Just happening
Music is heard. Sensation is felt. Light and sound and thought arise — without commentary, without ownership, without narrative. There’s no someone being aware of it. No mental overlay.
Just… this.

2. Claiming / describing
A thought shows up: “This music is part of my moment. It’s the soundtrack of my life. It means something about me.” The raw experience hasn’t changed — only the mental narration has kicked in.
So your question becomes:
How is being aware different from describing what’s already happening?
Let’s look:

Describing happens after the experience, it is in words, it’s filtered through concepts, memory, identity. It often involves ownership (“I am aware of this”) and it tries to frame or control experience
It’s like a news reporter showing up after the event and telling a story about it. Or like that sports commentator
Direct experience doesn’t need words, it isn’t owned, it is not separate from the experience, it is not something you do. Just is
It’s not about the moment. It is the moment.
In direct experience, there’s just:
Seeing. Hearing. Sensing. Not “I am aware that I am hearing” — just hearing.
Want a pointer?
Try this:
Close your eyes. Let sound happen. Don’t name it. Don’t locate it. Don’t even say “I am hearing.”
Just… what’s here?
Then ask: Who is aware of this… if I don’t describe it? And: Is this awareness separate from the sound itself — or is it one and the same?

There’s beliefs attached like “anxiety and vigilance are necessary for safety.” The direct experience is muscles tightening through my legs and shoulders, my throat closing or tightening, and my heart beating quite a bit faster. I feel a bit sick in my stomach and my breaths are very long and very deep. It feels like something is unwinding.

Absolutely — that’s a powerful moment to pause and deepen.
The belief “anxiety and vigilance are necessary for safety” is not just a thought — it’s a felt memory in the nervous system. The body holds that strategy as truth, because at some point, it was necessary. Hypervigilance was a way of staying one step ahead of danger, of reading the room, of managing unpredictable people or environments. It became a kind of intelligence when protection was needed most.
So when this belief loosens, the body responds — not with logic, but with stored charge releasing.
“Muscles tightening… throat closing… deep breaths… something unwinding.”
That’s it. That’s what it looks like when the nervous system realizes it doesn’t have to be on guard anymore — and begins to down-regulate from a chronic state of hyper-alertness. It doesn’t need to be understood; it just needs space to complete.
You don’t need to argue with the belief or disprove it — just stay close to the direct experience, as you’re already doing. Let the sensations speak. Let the intelligence in the body show you what’s ready to move.
You might gently ask:
Is vigilance still protecting me now… or is it protecting the memory of a younger self?
And further:
What happens when I let the body feel safe… without needing the tension to keep me safe?
When I say this, I'm not speaking to a real separate self — but to a nervous system acting as if one exists. This is somatic conditioning. The nervous system doesn’t need a conceptual self to operate. It doesn’t check whether the self is real — it just reacts based on pattern and memory. It holds a felt memory of threat, of not-enoughness, of needing to monitor or defend — often from very early experiences.
So even when thought sees “there’s no self,” the body might still behave as if there is. That’s not a contradiction. That’s integration work.

What does this mean practically?
It means tension, contraction, and vigilance are not failures of insight — they are survival strategies encoded in the body. And now they’re being seen for what they are: not wrong, not personal, not even yours. Just the body learning to trust presence. To breathe. To see it doesn’t need to hold so tightly anymore.

So when the body says: “I need this vigilance to stay safe.” You’re not arguing. You’re not bypassing. You’re simply meeting it honestly — maybe for the first time ever — and asking:
Is that still true? Is it safe now… to soften?

This isn’t about correcting the nervous system. It’s about listening to it, until it remembers:
Safety isn’t in control — it’s in connection. That reconnection is the unwinding. And it’s happening already. This is deep integration work. Let the unwinding unfold at its own pace — no rush, no fixing. Just stay close. You’re not doing this wrong — this is the process.

Love
Rali

[LanieRO]

Hey Rali,

Ha! I was just about to message you and see if everything was okay - assumed you were sick or something! Glad to hear from you. :)

What if there’s no one holding this moment — and never was?
Is anything actually “kept in awareness”… or is everything simply being, with no middleman?
Let this question echo for a bit:
What would this be… without anyone holding it?

This feels like returning to no-effort. Just looking, or just listening with no effort to hold on to or make sense of anything. No effort seems to be the pointer i keep returning to.

How is being aware different from describing what’s already happening?

Awareness comes before language and cognition and concepts. It’s the raw data before we compulsively explain it. It’s really noticing that the world around you is shifting with every footstep and that no two moments ever sound the same.

Close your eyes. Let sound happen. Don’t name it. Don’t locate it. Don’t even say “I am hearing.”
Just… what’s here?
Then ask: Who is aware of this… if I don’t describe it? And: Is this awareness separate from the sound itself — or is it one and the same?

I think it just appears. Pretty sure I’m aware of it, whether or not I describe it. And in DE, the sound and the awareness of the sound are the same.

I can’t tell if I’m encountering some kind of internal resistance here? Maybe I just don’t understand? I feel weirdly frustrated with this question and I don’t know why.

Is vigilance still protecting me now… or is it protecting the memory of a younger self?
And further:
What happens when I let the body feel safe… without needing the tension to keep me safe?

I sat with vigilance for a while, and it has really evolved as I’ve grown up to serve different purposes. I work in an environment that can be quite tense and it feels like the anxiety and the vigilance keeps me from saying the wrong thing and keeps me aware of the interpersonal dynamics in my surroundings.

There are beliefs that anxiety and vigilance are necessary to make this work, but that is obviously not true - I’ve been vigilant and said dumb things before or completely relaxed and been fine. The belief is a little bit seen through, but hasn’t quite fallen. There’s a mental image of a rock climber - she can keep looking down in order to make herself nervous and remember to grip the wall strongly, or she can just climb and trust herself.

So when the body says: “I need this vigilance to stay safe.” You’re not arguing. You’re not bypassing. You’re simply meeting it honestly — maybe for the first time ever — and asking:
Is that still true? Is it safe now… to soften?

I like that. And yeah, the vigilance can soften, in a way that feels like it’s experimenting.

It’s funny; I felt like I dropped vigilance about four years ago - it used to be waaaaaay worse - and I felt quite a lot of relief after that. And it does seem like a big piece of it dropped off, and this is a much smaller remnant that’s remaining. Interesting how things seem to cycle around and around.