I still believe in Santa Claus

[Elad]

Oh got it! Happy for you, Suan Mokkh is beautiful. I also encourage not to watch to videos and read books, and rather focus all attention on looking at the questions, exercises and main issue: Is it true beyond doubt in direct experience that there is no separate self?

Vipassana practice as taught in Suan Mokkh though, is essentially about relaxing with what is, paying attention to what is, and noticing the "not permanent, not me, not mine" nature of whatever is. So that is fully compatible. Some of the descriptions of the "path" and "how to live life" could potentially distract, but they are not the main thing there. We will talk about it more as needed when the time comes.

[Thailand]

Conditioning of expectations, comparing to others, creating story of how self is across time, trying to figure this out, etc. - all just coming and going by itself right? No self choosing or controlling that happening, right?

Yes, they're all just coming and going by themselves. Yes, there is no self choosing or controlling that happening.

Conditioning of expectations, comparing to others, creating story of how self is across time, trying to figure this out.... These are all conditioned responses that arise and fade away. Patterns playing out with nobody to own them. The desire for things to be known or look a certain way are just more thoughts.

Is there any need to or possibility for changing what is?

No. If there is unconditional acceptance of this moment/what is, there is no need to or possibility to change what is. And really, there's nobody to "unconditionally accept" anything. What is, is what is.

I'm tempted to say... if I'm speaking in strictly practical, time-based terms, then yes, there is a need to and possibility to change what is. If my rent is overdue, there is a need and possibility to change what is currently occurring. Steps can be taken to pay my rent. However, there is no separate self to take these steps. They occur as a conditioned response by themselves.

[Elad]

Conditioning of expectations, comparing to others, creating story of how self is across time, trying to figure this out, etc. - all just coming and going by itself right? No self choosing or controlling that happening, right?

Yes, they're all just coming and going by themselves. Yes, there is no self choosing or controlling that happening.

Conditioning of expectations, comparing to others, creating story of how self is across time, trying to figure this out.... These are all conditioned responses that arise and fade away. Patterns playing out with nobody to own them. The desire for things to be known or look a certain way are just more thoughts.

Yes.

Is there any need to or possibility for changing what is?

No. If there is unconditional acceptance of this moment/what is, there is no need to or possibility to change what is. And really, there's nobody to "unconditionally accept" anything. What is, is what is.

I'm tempted to say... if I'm speaking in strictly practical, time-based terms, then yes, there is a need to and possibility to change what is. If my rent is overdue, there is a need and possibility to change what is currently occurring. Steps can be taken to pay my rent. However, there is no separate self to take these steps. They occur as a conditioned response by themselves.

Yes, on the conventional level everything exist as usual, including responsilbility, effort, learning, self, etc. And at the same time we see that ultimately there is no self doing any of it. It is all spontaneous emergence - effort and non-effort, responsible and irresponsible, etc.

Stay with this in direct experience as many times during the day as possible.

How does it feel?

What happens?

[Elad]

Also take some longer periods in sitting meditation, eyes open, facing a wall. And just keep looking:

What is actually making everything happen?

Let me know how that goes.

[Thailand]

Yes, on the conventional level everything exist as usual, including responsilbility, effort, learning, self, etc. And at the same time we see that ultimately there is no self doing any of it. It is all spontaneous emergence - effort and non-effort, responsible and irresponsible, etc.

Stay with this in direct experience as many times during the day as possible.

How does it feel?

I can't say it feels one way or another, it just IS. The vast majority of the day is spent wrapped up in believing in stories about life. Feeling under the spell of beliefs, thoughts, feelings, desires, defense, etc. Acting from an unconscious belief that Pete is in control of his actions. When I consciously take time to let the sense of self drop (which usually can't be sustained more than a few seconds or minutes) it is seen that everything is just happening according to conditioning. There is no separate self controlling actions. Same for everything and everyone around me.

If I'm caught up in a moment of anger for instance, I might pause and ask, "Who is feeling this anger right now?" A couple things happen. 1) The anger tends to fade 2) It's replaced at least partially by a blank feeling. Neither here nor there.

What happens?

The same things happen minus the feeling that there's a separate self doing or thinking things. There's no sense of anxiety or hope about the past or future.

At my favorite coffee shop they have a lily pond out back. There are several families of different bird species living there and I spent time observing them. They flock together, eat, squabble, flee, play, get territorial, mate, and all the rest. It's all "just happening" with no "I" thought interfering. If life doesn't go their way, they seem to get over it fairly quickly. And I can't be certain but I'm fairly sure they don't dream of a future where everything is just the way they want it all the time.

I just mention this because it seems that humans are (probably) the only animals who try to sculpt our lives according to the fears and desires of an "I" character and suffer because of it.

Also take some longer periods in sitting meditation, eyes open, facing a wall. And just keep looking:

What is actually making everything happen?

Let me know how that goes.

I can't say I have a good answer for this after inquiring during longer meditation.

I could say maybe it's not about "making" everything happen. Everything is "just happening." Things arise spontaneously and fade away in the eternal now.

Everything IS what it IS. So maybe any logical explanation for what's making it happen misses the mark. It's about the experience of it and any explanation using language can only be a pointer at best.

This is thought, not direct observation... When I'm not meditating and just observing the world in motion, it sure seems there's something MAKING everything happen. If there's no motive force behind all of it, how would I be able to walk? How would thoughts appear? Why would the grass grow?

You mentioned the phrase "spontaneous emergence." I can see there is no separate force behind it all but it certainly appears that there's some sort of intelligence guiding and animating it. You plant sunflower seeds and you get sunflowers not oak trees.

[Elad]

Yes, on the conventional level everything exist as usual, including responsilbility, effort, learning, self, etc. And at the same time we see that ultimately there is no self doing any of it. It is all spontaneous emergence - effort and non-effort, responsible and irresponsible, etc.

Stay with this in direct experience as many times during the day as possible.

How does it feel?

I can't say it feels one way or another, it just IS. The vast majority of the day is spent wrapped up in believing in stories about life. Feeling under the spell of beliefs, thoughts, feelings, desires, defense, etc. Acting from an unconscious belief that Pete is in control of his actions. When I consciously take time to let the sense of self drop (which usually can't be sustained more than a few seconds or minutes) it is seen that everything is just happening according to conditioning. There is no separate self controlling actions. Same for everything and everyone around me.

If I'm caught up in a moment of anger for instance, I might pause and ask, "Who is feeling this anger right now?" A couple things happen. 1) The anger tends to fade 2) It's replaced at least partially by a blank feeling. Neither here nor there.

What happens?

The same things happen minus the feeling that there's a separate self doing or thinking things. There's no sense of anxiety or hope about the past or future.

At my favorite coffee shop they have a lily pond out back. There are several families of different bird species living there and I spent time observing them. They flock together, eat, squabble, flee, play, get territorial, mate, and all the rest. It's all "just happening" with no "I" thought interfering. If life doesn't go their way, they seem to get over it fairly quickly. And I can't be certain but I'm fairly sure they don't dream of a future where everything is just the way they want it all the time.

I just mention this because it seems that humans are (probably) the only animals who try to sculpt our lives according to the fears and desires of an "I" character and suffer because of it.

This is all quite clear.


Watch out for using inquiry as a way to repress emotion (like anger), better just notice it, feel it.

That said, for the context of our inquiry here, it is equally valid to look for "what is experiencing the anger" and noticing that nothing is found.

Also take some longer periods in sitting meditation, eyes open, facing a wall. And just keep looking:

What is actually making everything happen?

Let me know how that goes.

I can't say I have a good answer for this after inquiring during longer meditation.

I could say maybe it's not about "making" everything happen. Everything is "just happening." Things arise spontaneously and fade away in the eternal now.

Everything IS what it IS. So maybe any logical explanation for what's making it happen misses the mark. It's about the experience of it and any explanation using language can only be a pointer at best.

Yes, crystal clear.

This is thought, not direct observation... When I'm not meditating and just observing the world in motion, it sure seems there's something MAKING everything happen. If there's no motive force behind all of it, how would I be able to walk? How would thoughts appear? Why would the grass grow?

You mentioned the phrase "spontaneous emergence." I can see there is no separate force behind it all but it certainly appears that there's some sort of intelligence guiding and animating it. You plant sunflower seeds and you get sunflowers not oak trees.

Yes, we can certainly appreciate the sense of "intelligence", "beauty" and so forth in how everything is. In Buddhist terms "the absolute" (that things have no inherent independent self/nature to be found) does not collapse the relative (from the laws of science, to karma, to all the rest that is normal and helpful in normal life). Nothing disappear. It is is just seen how ultimately it is all mysterious direct "emergence" beyond our concepts.

"Spontaneous emergence" is just a pointer expression I sometimes use to direct attention back to direct experience.


Here is another exercise for you:

[Elad]

Nature Exercise

Go out into nature, maybe to your favorite cafe spot, and spend some time watching the movement of the whole. See how clouds move, trees swing, leaves wiggle, grass moves, insects, birds - all move all the time.

Then move focus to sensations and see how they too are in constant motion, thoughts come and go, sounds, colours, sensations come and go.

Notice that everything is part of one movement.


Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself. If yes, where is the boundary?

Is there an inside and an outside of Life?

Is there something which is not included in the movement of the whole?

Is there a witness that is watching life happening from a distance? Is witnessing part of the one movement too?

Is there anything which is not just happening?


Go out, come back and tell me what you found.

[Thailand]

When doing many of these exercises, I have to say that there is something influencing so much of it. There's what I've heard referred to as the "locus of the I." The space behind my eyes in what feels like the center of my head. Because most of our sensory organs are located in this area, nearly everyone assumes this to be the command center for I/self/me. This is the space where the witness is assumed to reside. There is the witness here and the sound or object or whatever, over there. There is a subject object relationship that's taken for granted between the "inner" and "outer" world. But a newborn baby wouldn't experience it this way. There's just raw sensation with no labels or sense of "I" attached to it.

As we've been doing this work I keep having an image from the movie Men in Black show up. A tiny alien driving his robot avatar from inside its head. It's ridiculous but that seems to be how most of us assume our relationship to the world to be.

Go out into nature, maybe to your favorite cafe spot, and spend some time watching the movement of the whole. See how clouds move, trees swing, leaves wiggle, grass moves, insects, birds - all move all the time.

Then move focus to sensations and see how they too are in constant motion, thoughts come and go, sounds, colours, sensations come and go.

Notice that everything is part of one movement.


Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself. If yes, where is the boundary?

No, there is no line between me and out there, between me and life itself. There is the sound of the waves crashing, the wind in the trees, a boat motor in the distance. There is the sensation of wind on "my" skin, my feet on the floor. In direct awareness, these are all only sensations occurring. Only when thoughts and assumptions are applied to them is there a "me" and "it" relationship with things "outside" of me. There is no "I" to hear "that wave" over there, there is just the sound of the wave occurring.

The boundary between me and the world is generally assumed to be at my skin. With eyes closed, in direct perception, there are only sensations occurring in space. There is no solid boundary between "inner" and "outer" worlds.

Is there an inside and an outside of Life?

No, there is no inside and outside of Life. It certainly feels like there's an inside and outside from a lifetime of conditioning, but on closer examination the "barriers" between things are seen as assumptions. To me this is much easier to recognize with eyes closed than with eyes open.

Things are different but not separate. My hand appears different from that tree but in direct perception they are seeming differences within the same unbroken picture.

There is a thought or feeling occurring "inside" of me but where is "inside" located exactly? Thoughts and feelings arise but they have no tangible reality so where could they be "inside"?

Is there something which is not included in the movement of the whole?

I don't know how to answer that exactly. From the limited perspective that "I" inhabit, no, there is nothing that is not included in the movement of the whole. From my limited perspective, in direct experience, there is a seamless whole that moves in unison. Kind of like an orchestra. However, there are people across town and across the world that are having their own direct experience that is not included in the movement of the whole from my direct experience. That's an assumption/thought though.

Is there a witness that is watching life happening from a distance?

Let me dissect this question... No, there is no separate "witness". There is no separate entity that it's all occurring to, it's all just occurring.

No, there is no separate self watching life happening from a distance. Things appear to occur within an unbroken whole. However, in direct experience there definitely does appear to be a "perspective". If I turn my head this way, I see a tree. If I turn that way I see a table. There are thoughts and feelings occurring from "my perspective" that aren't occurring to that guy over there.

Is witnessing part of the one movement too?

If I take "witnessing" as a convenience of speech rather than a separate self, a verb rather than a noun, then yes, it's part of the one movement too. "My perspective" is part of the one movement.

Is there anything which is not just happening?

No, there isn't anything which is not just happening. If a thought, label, assumption, etc. is placed on something it seems like there is a reason things are happening. But in unfiltered direct experience, it's all just happening.

[Elad]

That pic is hilarious! Apart from that, its all very clear.

No, there is no inside and outside of Life. It certainly feels like there's an inside and outside from a lifetime of conditioning, but on closer examination the "barriers" between things are seen as assumptions. To me this is much easier to recognize with eyes closed than with eyes open.

That is normal, the visual sense is for most if not all, most tightly interwoven with conceptualization, and so it is normal to "remember" direct experience in the other senses before in sight.

Here is an exercise to play with that:

Direct Experience - sight


Sit quietly and relax. Take your time just looking at what is in front of you for awhile.
Observe how the mind is dividing and labeling every thing into objects and then embellishing these objects with stories about what they are. Give it some time. Then, stop watching the objects as labeled objects. Just look at the seeing itself. Observe the pure process of seeing. This is direct experience (DE). Let me know how it goes.


Also please do (or redo) this exercise for a day:

Direct Experience - Labeling Daily Activities

Here's an exercise that I'd like you to try as many times throughout the day as you can. Label daily activities simply colour/image, sound, smell, taste, sensation, thought.
For example, when having breakfast, become aware of:
Seeing a cup simply = image/colour
Smelling coffee, simply = smell
Feeling the warmth of the coffee cup, simply = sensation
Tasting the coffee, simply = taste
Hearing the spoon stirring the coffee, simply = sound
Thought about drinking the coffee, simply = thought

Just break down daily activities into these categories (which are all actual/direct experience) and report back how it goes.

[Thailand]

Direct Experience - sight


Sit quietly and relax. Take your time just looking at what is in front of you for awhile.
Observe how the mind is dividing and labeling every thing into objects and then embellishing these objects with stories about what they are. Give it some time. Then, stop watching the objects as labeled objects. Just look at the seeing itself. Observe the pure process of seeing. This is direct experience (DE). Let me know how it goes.

When I look with the mind dividing and labelling there is a story, thought, memory, belief attached to everything. The mind goes from a blank impression of the object to some story about it, which leads to another thought, which leads to the time my friend said something to me ten years ago, and on and on. If it's not consciously nipped in the bud it just keeps going, flowing from one thought to the next. It usually doesn't have too much to do with the original thought in the end. Literally everything has some sort of association the mind can make with it though. My mind tends to lean toward the dark side quite often, so often they're "negative" associations.

With Direct Experience, there is a sense of either relaxing and letting it be OR efforting to keep attention in the here and now. There are always thoughts that creep in and pull attention away from just observing in the moment.

For those few moments of looking with direct experience there is no thought of the apparent split between "me" and the "object." What IS is what IS. There is a nameless something appearing in awareness. What I'm tempted to say is me and the object become one, but that's not accurate because there aren't two things to merge. There is just observation occurring from a certain perspective.

I could say there's a sense of peace associated with it but it's really just an absence of the noise and distraction that's usually going on.

Direct Experience - Labeling Daily Activities
Here's an exercise that I'd like you to try as many times throughout the day as you can. Label daily activities simply colour/image, sound, smell, taste, sensation, thought.
For example, when having breakfast, become aware of:
Seeing a cup simply = image/colour
Smelling coffee, simply = smell
Feeling the warmth of the coffee cup, simply = sensation
Tasting the coffee, simply = taste
Hearing the spoon stirring the coffee, simply = sound
Thought about drinking the coffee, simply = thought

Just break down daily activities into these categories (which are all actual/direct experience) and report back how it goes.

When thoughts or sensory experiences are broken down like this, for one thing they become much more vibrant. If I drink a cup of coffee for example, I'm not usually paying attention to all of the different sensory data coming in. It's delicious but I don't really notice that. It's just part of a routine. I don't notice the cup, it's just a device for delivering the coffee. When attention is placed on them they have a unique "vibe" or essence. When they are labeled with "good/bad thought" "good/bad taste" etc. they seem to be in relation to a separate self that considers them good, bad or whatever. When it's just "image" "smell" "sensation" they are just things that exist "on their own" without being attached to a separate self.

Most things in my daily routine are just a blur of events. Some "good" some "bad" or any other label that could be attached, but they aren't really appreciated for what they ARE. Most everything is just taken for granted. Attention is scattered all over the whole rather than focused in on its parts, except for practical reasons. Even for practical reasons the noticing of things is fairly superficial most of the time.

Attention when it's placed on thoughts or sensory experiences becomes more single pointed. It's JUST the image/smell/taste/etc. The other sensory data outside of the thing focused upon, grows dimmer.

In the case of thoughts they seem to be occurring "in my head" area. Everything else appears to be happening at various distances from that area. Without the idea of distance though, it's just things occurring.

[Elad]

This is great, all very clear!

For the next day, as you go through the day, look MANT TIMES:

What is being experienced here and now AS IF it is me/the self?

Let me know what happens.

[Thailand]

What is being experienced here and now AS IF it is me/the self?

Thoughts, feelings, sensations, possessions.

Thoughts: These thoughts/beliefs/opinions I feel a strong affinity for, therefore they are part of my "self." Those thoughts/beliefs/opinions I feel indifferent or opposed to, therefore they are not part of my "self." Even nighttime dreams are seen as "mine" from the perspective of the "awake self".

Feelings: You hurt "my" feelings. "I" feel happy/sad/depressed/excited. In general "I" am a melancholy/joyful/whatever type of person.

Sensations: I like back massages. Pain is always with me because of my bad _____.

Possessions: I could also say there's a sense that people or things I associate with or own are part of me/the self. This is my girlfriend, my boss, my t-shirt, my car. But really that's more thoughts and feelings about those things. An idea that somehow they are extensions of myself.

When I try to notice throughout the day what's being experienced as if it is the self, it becomes apparent that most things are personalized somehow. Either "mine" or extensions of myself. I'm "under the spell" of the self most of the time. Meditation CAN be a break from a sense of identification with things, but not always. Mindfulness or inquiry can do the same.

I had an experience these past few days where I felt mildly tortured in various ways because a plan went wrong. There were strong emotional associations with the self. There's a local festival I invited several friends to attend with me in a few days, then the queen mother of Thailand passed away and the whole country is in mourning. So is this still happening? Not happening? The idea of my "self" was feeling a lot of attachment to ideas of "I'm disappointing everyone" "This is somehow my fault" "Why God? Oh why?!!!" Lol. The reality was something unexpected occurred but "I" was not in control of any of it before, during or after. There was a certain amount of suffering occurring because "I" felt responsible for everyone else's experience. The sense of failure and responsibility was felt as if it was "mine."

The truth is nearly everything in my experience is either taken as myself or somehow personally related to myself. Even knowing that there is no separate self, there is usually an unquestioned sense of being "under the spell" of the self all day.

[Elad]

The truth is nearly everything in my experience is either taken as myself or somehow personally related to myself. Even knowing that there is no separate self, there is usually an unquestioned sense of being "under the spell" of the self all day.

Lets explore that a little more, please do or redo the following exercise:


“I” labelling


Get a sheet of paper and draw a line that divides that sheet in half. Label one half 'self' and the other side 'other'. Sit down and start a timer for 5 minutes. Every time you have a thought make a mark on the sheet. If that thought is about the self put a mark on the self side, if it’s about something else, mark the other side. If a thought about food occurs due to feeling hungry, mark that on the self side. Any thought that refers back to a self should go on the self side. (I'm bored, I'm tired, is the door locked (my safety) that video was funny (I was amused), my back hurts, I am frightened) get it?
Let me know what happens, what you notice.


-------


Also, keep looking what is REALLY being experienced AS IF it is "the self" RIGHT NOW?

You are making an interpretive story about what is taken to be you. I ask you to REALLY look freshly here and now, what EXACTLY is TRUELY being experienced AS IF it is the self NOW.

You wanna find the real essential "something" you believe is you.

What is it? And is it A Self?

Don't give energy to the stories about how it is for you accoss time. Any story across time is inherently interpretive and not direct experience, not what we are here for.

[Thailand]

“I” labelling

Get a sheet of paper and draw a line that divides that sheet in half. Label one half 'self' and the other side 'other'. Sit down and start a timer for 5 minutes. Every time you have a thought make a mark on the sheet. If that thought is about the self put a mark on the self side, if it’s about something else, mark the other side. If a thought about food occurs due to feeling hungry, mark that on the self side. Any thought that refers back to a self should go on the self side. (I'm bored, I'm tired, is the door locked (my safety) that video was funny (I was amused), my back hurts, I am frightened) get it?
Let me know what happens, what you notice.

The thoughts about self outnumber the thoughts of other things by about 4 to 1.

The thoughts about self often come with a judgement. "This music sucks." "It's too crowded there." Or things that relate to the body. An itch occurring on my head. I'm tired.

The thoughts about other things are mostly just observations without judgement. Sound of traffic. That's a dog. In a way even these things, although they're not charged with judgement or emotion, they refer back to a SENSE of self.

In reality, there is no individual, separate self for any of these thoughts to refer back to, but most thoughts relate back to an IDEA of self.

Also, keep looking what is REALLY being experienced AS IF it is "the self" RIGHT NOW?

You are making an interpretive story about what is taken to be you. I ask you to REALLY look freshly here and now, what EXACTLY is TRUELY being experienced AS IF it is the self NOW.

You wanna find the real essential "something" you believe is you.

It's kind of like there's an infinite number of PostIt notes but there's no wall to stick them on. There are a huge number of labels that appear every day that feel like they SHOULD be attached to something. These are MY thoughts/beliefs/traits/possessions that belong to ME. But when truly looked for there's nothing to attach them to.

I suppose what I was writing about in my last post was things that arise along with the SENSE of self. That are assumed to be attached to the IDEA of self somehow. You used the words "as if" it is the self. So there are many things that are thought, felt or assumed to be as if they are part of a "self," but under scrutiny they are just thoughts and labels that have nothing to land on.

What is it? And is it A Self?

Don't give energy to the stories about how it is for you accoss time. Any story across time is inherently interpretive and not direct experience, not what we are here for.

I'm trying to not get lost in story here but the closest I can say is there is the I AM presence or Self with a capital S. It IS what it IS. It is both personal and universal, and also beyond any concepts of both. It is the sound of traffic outside, the slight pain in my forehead, the girl in the chair across the room, the thought of wondering about my work schedule, etc. It can't be named because to name it is to give it attributes and a seemingly separate reality.

There is a sense of frustration that arises because there is an understanding that it is nothing other than what is right here right now. But at the same time the sense that "it's so close I can't see it." It's just the same reality that's always been there.




So Elad, I will be leaving on my trip to Wat Suan Mokh tomorrow and I'll be gone for a bit. You've been there so you know... no phones or computers allowed. I will be completely out of contact. I'll be ready to resume our work as soon as I get home.

You asked me to give you a heads up when I got closer to my trip. Any practical or spiritual advice would be greatly appreciated. Is there anything I should try or keep in mind?

[Elad]

Hi Pete

“I” labelling

Get a sheet of paper and draw a line that divides that sheet in half. Label one half 'self' and the other side 'other'. Sit down and start a timer for 5 minutes. Every time you have a thought make a mark on the sheet. If that thought is about the self put a mark on the self side, if it’s about something else, mark the other side. If a thought about food occurs due to feeling hungry, mark that on the self side. Any thought that refers back to a self should go on the self side. (I'm bored, I'm tired, is the door locked (my safety) that video was funny (I was amused), my back hurts, I am frightened) get it?
Let me know what happens, what you notice.

The thoughts about self outnumber the thoughts of other things by about 4 to 1.

The thoughts about self often come with a judgement. "This music sucks." "It's too crowded there." Or things that relate to the body. An itch occurring on my head. I'm tired.

The thoughts about other things are mostly just observations without judgement. Sound of traffic. That's a dog. In a way even these things, although they're not charged with judgement or emotion, they refer back to a SENSE of self.

In reality, there is no individual, separate self for any of these thoughts to refer back to, but most thoughts relate back to an IDEA of self.

Also, keep looking what is REALLY being experienced AS IF it is "the self" RIGHT NOW?

You are making an interpretive story about what is taken to be you. I ask you to REALLY look freshly here and now, what EXACTLY is TRUELY being experienced AS IF it is the self NOW.

You wanna find the real essential "something" you believe is you.

It's kind of like there's an infinite number of PostIt notes but there's no wall to stick them on. There are a huge number of labels that appear every day that feel like they SHOULD be attached to something. These are MY thoughts/beliefs/traits/possessions that belong to ME. But when truly looked for there's nothing to attach them to.

I suppose what I was writing about in my last post was things that arise along with the SENSE of self. That are assumed to be attached to the IDEA of self somehow. You used the words "as if" it is the self. So there are many things that are thought, felt or assumed to be as if they are part of a "self," but under scrutiny they are just thoughts and labels that have nothing to land on.

Lots of clarity here.

What is it? And is it A Self?

Don't give energy to the stories about how it is for you accoss time. Any story across time is inherently interpretive and not direct experience, not what we are here for.

I'm trying to not get lost in story here but the closest I can say is there is the I AM presence or Self with a capital S. It IS what it IS. It is both personal and universal, and also beyond any concepts of both. It is the sound of traffic outside, the slight pain in my forehead, the girl in the chair across the room, the thought of wondering about my work schedule, etc. It can't be named because to name it is to give it attributes and a seemingly separate reality.

There is a sense of frustration that arises because there is an understanding that it is nothing other than what is right here right now. But at the same time the sense that "it's so close I can't see it." It's just the same reality that's always been there.

Any reason to call what is "Self"? Rather then Santa Claus or Chtulu or God or Nature or Mind or It? Anything that makes it subject or object or a combination of the two?

Could direct experience ever be described as self or other without this being a reduction and a reification?

So Elad, I will be leaving on my trip to Wat Suan Mokh tomorrow and I'll be gone for a bit. You've been there so you know... no phones or computers allowed. I will be completely out of contact. I'll be ready to resume our work as soon as I get home.

You asked me to give you a heads up when I got closer to my trip. Any practical or spiritual advice would be greatly appreciated. Is there anything I should try or keep in mind?

Great. A few encouragements:

1) Never believe what others say about the nature of awakening, including me. Only keep looking and discarding what is false. You can play with instructions you get and see what happens, but don't make them into more then skillful means at best.

2) Weather your practice will feel calm or restless, concentrated or distracted, blisful or despairing and everything in between --- keep seeing if it is true that ALL OF THAT/THIS is happening by itself, and that whatever is imagined as a you succeeding or failing is just a fantasy added on top.


Look forward to hear from you on the other side :)