Being is exhausting

[graceabounds]

What if instead of ‘you’ being on the verge of something, there is simply… the absence of something?

There’s no thing to find. More layers of course, more to explore.


Where is ‘doubt’? Is it ever more than a thought?
Great, be tired of them, and just keep looking in the gap between them and in direct experience.

Go out into nature and spend some time watching the movement of the whole. See how clouds move, trees swing, leaves wiggle, grass moves, insects, birds - all move all the time.

Then move focus to sensations and see how they too are in constant motion, thoughts come and go, sounds, colors, sensations come and go.

Notice that everything is part of one movement. Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself.
If yes, where is the boundary?
Is there an inside and an outside of Life?
Is there something which is not included in the movement of the whole?
Is there a witness that is watching life happening from a distance?
Is witnessing part of the one movement too?
Is there anything which is not just happening?

Go out, come back and tell me what you found…

[Thethisist]

Becca,

It was a good day for some time in nature.

Where is ‘doubt’? Is it ever more than a thought?

Doubt is a thought, always

Notice that everything is part of one movement. Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself.
If yes, where is the boundary?
Is there an inside and an outside of Life?
Is there something which is not included in the movement of the whole?
Is there a witness that is watching life happening from a distance?
Is witnessing part of the one movement too?
Is there anything which is not just happening?

The movement seems to happen inside my body and outside. I can watch the leaves moving and things happening and then there are thoughts and vibrations in my body.
It feels like there are things outside of the body moving and inside of the body moving then it seems like the boundaries are less defined.
There isn't an inside or outside of life and the movement feels the same. the vibration that feels like it is in the area of my pelvis doesn't seem different from the movement of the leaves in the wind.

everything is included in the movement of the whole
There is no witness other than in thoughts and thoughts are part of the movement
Everything is just happening.

[graceabounds]

Yes.

part of the movement

This is what is. Not a special state or an insight to hold.
Just what always was.

Coming back here:

I believe Self is a belief about my experience. Maybe it is a belief that experience is mine. There is something that is animating this body and my mind seems to need to define it and to express it to people. There is an expression happening and it is being carried on a wave of all that exists but for some reason there is this need to own it

Is there still a need to define?
Is experience ‘yours’?
Is there any trace of one who owns the movement?

Does any sense of seeking remain?

[Thethisist]

Becca,

Is there still a need to define?

Not define. To undefine now

Is experience ‘yours’?

No. Experience is everything everywhere

Is there any trace of one who owns the movement?

the movement is just everything and it can't be owned

Does any sense of seeking remain?

A seeking to observe direct experience instead of having thoughts that feel like they know how things are. When I seem to choose what shoes to wear today I look at the shoes and they appear to belong to me and to be a certain color and serve a certain function and when I stick them on these feet I feel like I am doing all of that and that things are the way they seem in this moment. I can see through all of it but in the moment that also feels like a layer of deciding. So I ask myself who is deciding and it is the wind and the sun and the grass and infinite factors. Maybe the thing I can't see through is who decides to see through it. There is also having to think of Stacey as 'the personality' that appears to make choices on behalf of the movement of everything and there is a need to remind a 'self' that this isn't me but the squirrels chasing each other around the tree outside aren't me either and there's no need to point that out. So there is a difference between myself and squirrels. I also see that this seeking to reinforce my belief in no self is creating a sense of self that needs to be seen through. When I look there is nothing here.

thanks for the patience,
Stacey

[graceabounds]

Maybe the thing I can't see through is who decides to see through it

Haha yes.
Its like the snake eating its own tail…
So what happens when you turn back on that who?

So there is a difference between myself and squirrels

Is there? In direct experience? Or only in thoughts and labels?

I also see that this seeking to reinforce my belief in no self is creating a sense of self that needs to be seen through. When I look there is nothing here.

Nope. Nothing.

It can’t be accomplished because the “self” was never doing the looking.

So now, without referring to thought or memory:
Where is the self?
Does anything need resolving?

-Becca

[Thethisist]

Becca,
Sorry for the late post.

Maybe the thing I can't see through is who decides to see through it

Haha yes.
Its like the snake eating its own tail…
So what happens when you turn back on that who?

Then there is nothing to see and no one to see through anything

quSo there is a difference between myself and squirrels

Is there? In direct experience? Or only in thoughts and labels?[/quote]

Only in thoughts and labels. This has been a sticking point though. Three separate times yesterday I sat with this inquiry.
There is a movement and I see it as a squirrel. There are consistencies recognized in the movement. My partner can also see the squirrel. I know she is not a separate self either so we see the thing the same relative to brain/thought differences. We live in the same universe. Objects seem familiar to my brain and there are apparent patterns that they follow. I have a lot of resistance coming up, frustration and anger. Thoughts about thoughts about thoughts. I don't know anything about a self or objects and I don't understand how everything doesn't just fly apart into chaos.I need to sit with my anger and frustration for some time but last night when it came up I had practical things to do so I missed the opportunity.

Where is the self?

I dont know

Does anything need resolving?

I need to sit in silence

[graceabounds]

Sit in silence.

Can you feel the anger and frustration without calling it anger?
Where is it in the body?
Let it move through…

You are not and never were in control of it flying apart.

What is actually here?

Not thoughts about it. Not ideas.
Not even a label like “squirrel” or “anger.”

[Thethisist]

Becca,
I was sitting and what came up was like a resistance or another contracted area lower down in my body. Then there were tears and shaking. I just felt this sort of soft solidity that felt like a closeness with everything. There was no boundary found, no self at all. I sat like that for a while letting thoughts come or not.
I realize that the there was a belief that I needed to fit something into an understandable framework to somehow get somewhere. But that whole process was keeping me from just sitting and being this whatever that is free to be however it wants to be in this moment. What we are is just so easy and pleasant and so familiar but its funny how hard the mind tries to avoid it.
I feel a bit neutral right now but if I close my eyes I feel the emptiness that was very prominent and very palpable in my experience earlier. It is still there.

Thanks so much <3

[graceabounds]

Has it ever not been this way?

[Thethisist]

It is always here. It feels like the most natural way to be. It feels familiar and timeless.

[graceabounds]

Yes, it is.

Let things settle today, and see if there is anything emerges as unresolved…

:)

[Thethisist]

Becca,
Good evening

Drove down south to visit my mom today. There is a lot of heavy stuff going on with my family. I am sitting here in the house where I grew up. Hit with tons of identification, worries about the situation here. I was getting intense muscle spasms in places in my body especially the posterior upper thorax but felt into it and the emotions subsided, the body relaxed and the thoughts slowed down. I inquired and there was no self to be found. There is a lot of unknown that I was feeling I need to plan for and a lot of shame I was feeling when the sense of self was felt. The sense that there was someone who needs to plan and should feel guilty or shameful is not different from that sense of physical contraction. As soon as I let it go it was clear none of it was necessary. I wouldn't say the realization is stabilized at this point. It felt a bit wobbly but it didn't take long to see through. I guess if you'll stick with me we may have more work to do.
Thank you, dear

Stacey

[graceabounds]

Hi Stacey,

Yes, there will be layers to this that come up to be seen, and family layers are the most habituated. Follow the body, as you are doing, it has its own instincts for how to work through what arises once the self-construct is no longer in place. It may feel a little like being on a boat for a while, and I’m not going anywhere if I can be of support in orienting.

Once on the other side of this challenging family situation we will look at what has been seen from a bunch of angles to uncover any gaps. But in the meantime, nothing to do but be with it.

Did I already give you my email if the LU site goes down again?

Much love,
Becca

[Thethisist]

No, I don't have the email yet. Appreciate it.

[graceabounds]

becca@supportedawakening.com