Who am I?

[Anastacia42]

Hi Braden,

I'm sorry you're disapppinted.

sit with direct experience more and let the realizations that I have seen actually sink in?

That may help, but what you really need to do is question that long list of expectations. They're killing your buzz, so to speak.

I usually recommend The Work of Byron Katie for questioning thoughts. www.thework.com

But I have seen very skeptical people like yourself talk themselves out of the benefits of that, too.

It looks like that's all you're doing, talking yourself out of it.

I'm going to give you this pointer & also suggest you go to the teleconference groups & talk about it there, especially Vince's. or Todd Lent's I guided Todd for 30 pages & it turned out he was seeing, but stuck in doubt. I'll put the list below.

Explore ‘Sense of Self’

Let’s say that you have lost your keys and you swear that you left them in your coat. You go to look and check all the pockets - the keys are not there. You swear they must be as that was the last place you remember them. You have a vivid memory of putting them there after you left the house. But when you check they are not there. At this point you can keep believing that the keys are in your pocket, or you can admit you were mistaken.

This is just like that. You may see clearly that the self is an illusion but still feel a sense of self - just like the keys. But feeling something to be true and seeing that it is or is not is different. This is why we may find ourselves coming back to your expectations at the start and at the end.

Now, I’d like to ask you to explore this SENSE of self very-very thoroughly. Not by thinking about it, but by FEELING it. Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire:

Does the sense of self have a location?

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

What is found?


I think I'll post meetings separately.

Loving,

[Anastacia42]

MEETINGS


i have put countdown timers until each meeting on the home page of the website. [https://1ness.info](https://1ness.info)

There is a meetup every Saturday at 9 pm (Sydney Australia time)

and one each Monday 7 am ( Sydney Australia time)

and each Wednesday at 4 pm (Sydney Australia time)

and every Friday 8 am (Sydney time) - never published.

You can check your local time here: [https://www.worldtimebuddy.com](https://www.worldtimebuddy.com)

Please note that it's always the same time on the same link

Arriving late and leaving early is fine.

Click here to Join Zoom Meeting
[https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86991485768?p ... 2Um5DQT09](https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86991485768?p ... 12Um5DQT09)

Luchana & Lubo run one on Thursdays. Write to Luchana at luchanauzunova@gmail.com

Ilona holds a monthly meeting. Write admin@ilonaciunaite.com for that link & schedule

*******

Join us each Thursday, 6 pm CET, UTC+1
and let's explore together what is already here.
Let's enjoy together this beauty called Life
MEETINGS ARE ON ZOOM and LIVE on youtube.

To participate in the meetings, send a request to luchanauzunova@gmail.com

You will receive an e-mail confirming your participation and a link to join.

Looking forward to seeing YOU!
Luchana & Lubo

**********

Ilona's Meetings

Next group meeting on Zoom is on the 4th of September. (There was one October 9. Not sure when next one is. )

To register send Ilona an email to

admin@ilonaciunaite.com

Looking forward :)

********


I'm having trouble finding the link to Todd and his discussion so I wrote to ask him for it and I'll send it to you as soon as I have it

No we are not finished here. You don't get out of this that easily. ;)

Loving

[beingbraden]

This is just like that. You may see clearly that the self is an illusion but still feel a sense of self - just like the keys. But feeling something to be true and seeing that it is or is not is different. This is why we may find ourselves coming back to your expectations at the start and at the end.

Yes, I feel like its exactly like this. I go searching for a self and I can never find it. For brief moments during meditation today I could really feel through my whole body the sense that there is no self, but then I stop meditating, or I go back to thoughts and theres doubts and a strong feeling of self crops back up.



Its really tricky answering the questions below because I feel like I understand everything conceptually. I understand that any of the answers I give are “wrong”. Any feeling of self I am sensing is just because I am not seeing clearly enough, or still identifying with thoughts. Technically I think all my answers below are thoughts, so its not really what you are asking for but its also the only way I can seem to explain whats happening.

Does the sense of self have a location?

If I had to pick a location I would say that its in my head. When there is a lot of attention in my head or on my thoughts, thats when the sense of self feels most online

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

If I had to say, it would be a little bit smaller than the size of a golfball in the center of my head. Sometimes when I see through the illusion that golfball seems to go away (which you think would prove to me that it is not the self, but alas..)

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

It is the voice in the head. It tells me that it is controlling my life, that it plans and does everything for me, controls where I focus attention. It tells me that I am not having the experiences that I have read about, so I must not be “awake” yet.

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

It’s all thoughts. There’s this feeling of wanting to make sure that I am awake, and just like you said my mind just gets flooded with expectations and doubt about my experience. I guess maybe I shouldn’t be checking with my thoughts to see if I am awake?? I’m not sure how that would work though.

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

It feels very core to “me”. It is very rational. It wants to improve and be better. It cares about doing things “right”. It doesn’t like being “offline” for too long. Its convinced that it can survive the awakening process. Oh god, yeah it thinks that awakening is a way that it will be able to improve itself. Like the sense of self wants to disappear for a little bit, experience awakening, and then come back at the end and take credit for it.

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

Thought. A sense of tension/pressure in the head

What is found?

I continue to have experiences where the sense of self seems to be dissolving, and I also have an intellectual understanding that there is no self. I continue to look and can’t find a solid self anywhere. I understand that any sense of self I have right now is just thoughts. 
I guess theres doubt and dissatisfaction right now because it just feels like a belief that I have to put effort into seeing. Like if I just didn’t pay attention to any of this stuff any more I could just forget all about it and I wouldn’t have these feelings any more.

[beingbraden]

Thanks for the information on the group meetings. I think I should be able to attend Vince's meeting on Friday. I also sent an email to Ilona about her meetings. Thank you!

[Anastacia42]

Self equals contraction or tight feeling plus a made up story & label.

It has no existence in direct experience.

If it has no existence in direct experience. it has no existence.

This is what you need to accept or realize or whatever you do to get there.

IWe are also looking for a shift in perception. Until you have that we are not finished.

Keep letting me know how it's going.

Loving

[Anastacia42]

Todd's interview on doubting:

https://youtu.be/trB0Fi6dpg0?si=U7_2cwc47-ryCiIh

Lovng

[beingbraden]

I watched Todd's interview and a lot of what he was saying sounds like exactly what I have been feeling.

I have been making my way through reading Gateless Gatecrashers as well, which has been really helpful.

After reading a bit I sat down and had another breakthrough today where I realized any feelings of "I" are just thoughts that get added on after the fact. Experience is happening and then there is a thought that comes up afterwards and says it was "my" experience, or "my" choice. Its all just thoughts though!! I was convinced that there was some feeling of "I" somewhere that I would be able to find, but it feels more like its just been habitual thought patterns. Thoughts keep popping up claiming that there is an "I" somewhere but there is no "I" to be found, it just thoughts pointing at nothing.

It almost feels simultaneous sometimes, where an experience happens and my mind claims it, but I have been catching it more and more frequently and realizing that experiences happen whether or not my mind claims that as "mine"

I'm not sure if this is the Shift we have been looking for. I don't feel like I am in a constant state of flow or completely free from identification, but this realization feels like it was big.

[Anastacia42]

This is great.

It's not the shift but it will open your mind to having it. You have been being your own worst enemy. Now you're getting yourself on board with what is possible.

Keep doing ButtChair and keep me posted on what else you're reading and doing.

pointer that may force you to look, not think:

ButtChair

Please LOOK for any place where your butt ends & the chair begins.

Is there any clear dividing line between them? Or only the Sensation with no clear division?


It is simple direct & nonverbal. Just LOOK.

Then write what is true.

Loving

[beingbraden]

Please LOOK for any place where your butt ends & the chair begins.

Is there any clear dividing line between them? Or only the Sensation with no clear division?

I think I can safely say this is the most I have ever paid attention to my butt in my entire life haha. I’m not sure I am seeing this one as clearly because the mental image of my body keeps popping up to try and make sense of everything.

Initially there is a strong urge to have a mental image of what is happening. Almost like there is an image that forms in the brain of some out-of-body view where I can see from a third-person perspective and figure out what is happening. I can imagine my body in the chair and get an “idea” of what is going on and where a line of separation would be. I can use logic and figure that any sensation I am feeling belongs to the butt itself and so the line where the chair begins would be just outside whatever I am sensing.



I try to drop this image and logic as much as possible and just focus on direct sensations and the more I do that the more fuzzy things become. It feels like there is a gradient of pressure or something, like the line between my body and the chair is blurry somehow.

The more I drop the mental image of the body the more it feels like part of my body are disappearing(?) Like it feels like there are dead spots where I dont really feel much and without the mental image its just sort of like that part of my body doesnt exist. As I sit more and pay closer attention my mind is able to feel subtle tingling in the dead spots and more of my body comes online.

I keep getting drawn back into the mental map of the body, though. A question I want to sit with is how do I know these sensations are coming from certain parts of my body without a mental map? I’m going to keep doing this one

Other homework I have been completing: Watched some of the awakening curriculum videos from Pernille on the first fetter, and continuing to slowly make my way through Gatecrashers.

[beingbraden]

Also, I'm not sure if this is relevant, but when I am reading Gatecrashers and I am really trying to find where the "I" is there is this pressure that builds up in my head and my ears. Not painful in anyway, if fact it sort of feels good. There is a story that the pressure needs to build up a bunch and then there will be a release when I finally see through the illusion. Sort of embarrassing admitting that out loud haha. Not sure if this pressure should just be ignored or what the deal is

[Anastacia42]

pressure

And what did you learn that tight or heavy or contracted feelings mean?


Loving,

[beingbraden]

And what did you learn that tight or heavy or contracted feelings mean?

Its the feeling of a lie. I guess I didn't connect the two because this felt more like a pressure from the elevation in a flight or something, not necessarily something heavy. Probably something weird about the way I was unintentionally breathing.

I will take the pressure to mean that I was headed in the wrong direction there.

I feel like I'm going a bit crazy. I spend all day looking for a self and I can't find one, but there is still this feeling that there's a "me" that controls where my attention goes, has a history, has intentions and plans for life, etc. I can logically see how all of these things aren't "me" and I can sometimes feel the sense that I am not actually even controlling my attention, but theres always this "me" sense that sticks around somehow.

I'm sorry. I feel like I am making huge progress sometimes, but then theres moments like right now where it feels like I am missing something and probably annoying you.

Should I just be continuing to do the ButtChair exercise?

[Anastacia42]

Hi again

I spend all day looking for a self and I can't find one, but there is still this feeling that there's a "me"

Do you spend all day looking or do you spend all day thinking?

All you feel is the lie feeling & then make up a story that is a "self." It is not.

Should I just be continuing to do the ButtChair exercise?

Yes.

You can also try these. Be sure to listen to the Introduction. No i can't tell you who he is. He went into a totally different business after this.

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/ksba3zhi9uuz ... hsk1a?dl=0

Let me know in DE what you See, Hear, Feel, Smell or Taste with each one.

You can do this. It's just totally unpredictable.

Loving,

[beingbraden]

Do you spend all day looking or do you spend all day thinking?

This is probably a fair callout. I have been trying to focus more on the looking lately. It seems like it always starts with a thought, but then I really am trying to focus on direct experience as much as possible.

I went to Ilona's meeting and Vince's meeting. I got a chance to talk to Ilona for a bit which was really helpful. We talked about control, as well as searching for something that doesn't exist. Even just talking to her it felt like I was more present in some weird type of way that I don't really feel that often. Her pointing is really good. Vince was great too, but I didn't get the chance to talk to him.

I have been doing ButtChair some more and have been noticing pretty much the same things that I wrote last time. I notice that exercise in particular draws me to thoughts a lot and I start thinking about the implications and checking for the border between other parts of my body, and I get sidetracked a lot. I think its because my mind still can't make sense of what I'm "supposed" to be noticing.

I have started listening to the tapes. The first meditation technique that he taught really hit me hard last night when I did it. Here are my DE reporting for each one I have done so far

Introduction
- Hearing voice on the tape, simply = sound
- Hearing buzz of fridge, simply = sound
- Feeling warmth in chest, simply = sound
- Feeling ache in back, simply = sensation
- Tasting yogurt that I had finished earlier, simply = taste
- Feeling tension in my face, simply = sensation
- Feeling pressure in my head, simply = sensation
- Feeling warmth in my face, simply = sensation
- Thinking about the man’s voice, simply = thought

All it is
- Feeling heat in the body, simply = sensation
- Hearing the voice guiding, simply = sound
- Feeling pressure in entire head, simply = sensation
- Feeling the pressure in the entire head move to just the right ear, simply = sensation
- Thinking about moving apartments, simply = thought
- Hearing cars outside, simply = sounds
- Hearing the fridge, simply = sounds
- Hearing the AC turn on, simply = sound
- Thinking “This is how God is showing up for me”, simply = thought
- Feeling myself on the couch, simply = sensation
- Feeling expansion in my chest, simply = sensation
- Feeling a rush in my head, simply = sensation
- Feeling emptiness in my body, simply = sensation
- Feeling relaxation, simply = sensation
- Feeling pressure in the jaw, simply = sensation
- Feeling pressure in the head, simply = sensation
- Feeling pressure behind my nose, simply = sensation
- Thinking “The witnesser is God”, simply = thought
- Hearing laughter, simply = sound
- Feeling my body shake, simply = sensation
- Feeling tingling in the head, simply = sensation
- Seeing light behind my eyelids, simply = image/color

Beginning Thinking
- Feeling pressure in the head, simply = sensation
- Feeling pain in my knees, simply = sensation
- Thinking of an elephant, simply = sensation
- Feeling of tightness in center of head, simply = sensation
- Feeling pressure in throat, simply = sensation
- Hearing sound of cars outside, simply = sound
- Feeling an ache in the chest, simply = sensation
- Thinking about if I am doing it right, simply = thoughts
- Thinking about it not working, simply = thoughts
- Feeling of holding or gripping in the body, simply = sensation
- Feeling of tightness in the shoulders, simply = sensation

[Anastacia42]

Hi

At least it is all DE. I wasn't expecting lists. They're okay. , Also, try reporting .more normally, but with only DE as the content.

I'm glad you're making it to some meetings. That can help normalize what you're doing & seeing. You may hear something that helps.

Keep LOOKING.

https://youtu.be/wyNwhK2Ur1c?si=TZwuFEst-7Hsadpu

Lovng,