Can't find the I

[graceabounds]

Hello Anton,

You saw it clearly: a thought arises, and without even trying, it’s known. It never touched what’s here. Presence is untouched, was never touched. It doesn’t come back after thought fades. It never left.

That seeing—that recognition you speak of—is not something gained. It’s the absence of something that was never there. Can you find anything that presence needs to push away? Can you find a center to it?

Yes I now agree with that, many ways one can gets fooled, they don't really take content from other thoughts because they can't experience anything, but they can be about the same subject, but it's a new isolated thought, is that right ?

You’re right: each is an isolated firework. The sequence is an after-image, a retroactive story! Even the thought, “I was just distracted,” is just another isolated pop.

Who’s watching this?
Be exact. Don’t guess. Don’t drift into the Witness trap.
Is there anything outside these appearances, monitoring them?

Is there continuity at all, anywhere in actual experience?
Not the story about continuity. Not the thought that refers to “earlier.” But directly, now, can anything be linked?

When looked upon more closely thoughts is random, not really connected to each other. But it looks like life situations influence thoughts and thoughts themself is trying to kinda protect this body.

Lets investigate this…
What is being protected? Where is this locatable? What is sensed there? What is actually there?
(Working with the body in this way may not be linear, so inquire and be present to what emerges outside of thought and prior to interpretation, it could be a word that comes, an image, a memory, not necessarily what the mind would consider a satisfactory answer!)


Now breathe. Not as a practice. Not to get anywhere.
Just notice: was the breath waiting for permission?

-Becca

[AntonD]

Hello Becca !

That seeing—that recognition you speak of—is not something gained. It’s the absence of something that was never there. Can you find anything that presence needs to push away? Can you find a center to it?

- Presence can't push away anything because there is no-one there to push anything away.
And there is no center to it, where to count from, its no-one here, and everything that is, is presence.

Who’s watching this?
Be exact. Don’t guess. Don’t drift into the Witness trap.
Is there anything outside these appearances, monitoring them?

- No there is absolutely no one there. Everything that is, is sound, seeing, thoughts sensations etc, and everything is known as it appears and nothing is excluded.

You saw it clearly: a thought arises, and without even trying, it’s known. It never touched what’s here. Presence is untouched, was never touched. It doesn’t come back after thought fades. It never left.

-I see that, but there is something here that can't really be understood, how can presence not be touched, if it is made from it and a play upon it? If something is untouched is it not, separated from it ? Does even presence exist without the appearances?

Is there continuity at all, anywhere in actual experience?
Not the story about continuity. Not the thought that refers to “earlier.” But directly, now, can anything be linked?

- I'm gonna try to answer to the best I can, don't know if I understand it properly.
But in direct experience, nothing really existens outside the right now, so everything else is like a dream, a thought, so taking content of thoughts aside nothing can be linked and nothing is continuous.

Quoting myself:
But it looks like life situations influence thoughts and thoughts themself is trying to kinda protect this body.

- What I meant with this was that it seems like thought is a protection mechanism. Thoughts looks like it sometimes is a means of trying to prepare for future situation.

Lets investigate this…
What is being protected? Where is this locatable? What is sensed there? What is actually there?

-When looking at this trying to find what is being protected, only sensations is felt, it's impossible to know where it is because those labels are only thoughts.
What is actually there is only changing sensation out in nowhere from nowhere like everything else..Thought may say they protect anyone character but that character can't be found behind sensation.
What is actually behind every thought and sensation is something with an empty character, it's not a thing like every appearance, it's something else but empty by nature.

Just notice: was the breath waiting for permission?
Totally empty, no-one there !

-Anton

[graceabounds]

Anton—

Yes. Yes. You’re seeing from what’s already here, before anything can be claimed.

how can presence not be touched, if it is made from it and a play upon it? If something is untouched is it not, separated from it ?

This is the mind trying to make presence into something.
A thing that can be touched, not touched, separate, not separate.

But you already answered it:

Presence can't push away anything because there is no-one there to push anything away.

Presence isn’t made from anything. It’s not made.
It’s not a substance. It’s not a container. It’s not a place.
It’s the absence of what you thought you were.

Right now, look directly—> Where are you located in any form?

There’s only seeing, hearing, sensation, thought. Each one appears, vanishes. Nothing stands behind them. No center. No watcher. Just this.

Everything that is, is sound, seeing, thoughts sensations etc, and everything is known as it appears and nothing is excluded.

Yes. This is the absence of a center. The absence of a watcher. No one sees. Just seeing.

You said thoughts seem to protect. That’s just a thought about protection. Is there actually anything being protected?
You looked—and found only shifting sensation. No character. No self. No thing. Just appearances happening. Protection of what? For whom? It all melts away.

Even the idea that there’s “something” behind sensation?
Too much. Let it go. That’s a thought too.

The breath rises.
Sounds appear.
Check: what’s behind it?

Don’t think. Don’t name. Just look.

And let everything fall open.

There’s no ground.
No one here.
Nothing watching.

So now, from here—
What remains?

-Becca

[AntonD]

Hello!

The breath rises.
Sounds appear.
Check: what’s behind it?

Don’t think. Don’t name. Just look.

And let everything fall open.

There’s no ground.
No one here.
Nothing watching.

So now, from here—
What remains?

- There's absolutely nothing behind it, even when thoughts get sticky, when looking for the one that got stuck no one is found, if anything was found it's that nothing even got stuck in that thought in the first place.
The exakt same with sound, sensation etc.
Can't find a center, a location an owner.
It's really nothing there, pretty sad to be honest, but even that is only a sensation with label, and no one owning it, but the sensation is felt.

-Anton

[AntonD]

Everything that remains is just what's happening at this moment, sensations that's felt, seeing that's seen, thoughts that pop up, same with sensations, smells etc.

[graceabounds]

Hello dear,

Yes. Absolutely everything is in this moment.

That sensation of “sadness” you mention…
Look at it now, right now. Strip the label. What is actually there? Does it have a location? Where is it?

I’m going to give you a formula that may also support:
Thought + Sensation = Emotion

Is there an underlying belief about what THIS isn’t that is running like an old tape in the background?

-Becca

[AntonD]

Hello Becca,

That sensation of “sadness” you mention…
Look at it now, right now. Strip the label. What is actually there? Does it have a location? Where is it?

- There only a sensation floating around in nothingness, not even in nothingness it's just a sensation.

-The sensation is nowhere to be found, it's just there, can't say how big or small it is, so there is nowhere to know where it begins or ends.

-Nowhere and also everywhere.

Is there an underlying belief about what THIS isn’t that is running like an old tape in the background?

-Probably, but when I sit with this somethings else comes forward and really it's fears that I will stay with this stress, and will be searching all my life only to not get it.
I just want to feel spacious and free, and I know it's there, but that probably a belief by now to.
There is a belief that there should be some kind a shift, something to make it certain that the truth is seen, probably makes me have expectations.


Reading so much about this, and been trying pretty much everything, so there probably is a belief what this isn't, so hard to be searching because I feel it's impossible to do it.

-Anton

[graceabounds]

Anton—

Perfect.

You’re seeing clearly: no location, no edge, no ownership. Just sensation, appearing as if in a void that’s not even a void. Raw, unpinned.

But then—what appears?

I just want to feel spacious and free

Here. Freeze. Can you feel that wanting now?
Don’t analyze. Don’t label. Don’t call it fear or hope. Just find the raw sensation that appears as that want.
Where is it?
Does it need resolution?
Or is that just another arising: one more mirage, promising you a shift, something special?

This is it. Right now, what’s happening—THIS—is all there ever is!

probably a belief by now

Yes. It is.
That something must happen. That something is missing. That there’s something wrong with this. That’s an illusion.

Right now, is anything missing from experience?
Don’t answer intellectually. Feel into it. Is this moment incomplete in any way, without a reference to thought?

You don’t need a shift. You don’t need certainty. You don’t need confirmation. Those are all just thoughts flashing in empty space. You’ve seen through the trick… but the magician is still asking for applause.

Is there anything left to do? Anything at all?

Much love,
Becca

[AntonD]

Hello Becca,


Kinda see what happend here !

Where is it?

-Same as always nowhere and everywhere.

Does it need resolution?

-There is no-one that can even demand it, and the sensation itself can't demand anything because it can't do nothing.
And the thoughts that was layed on the sensation demanden resolution not the sensation itself, but really neither one of them are capable.

Or is that just another arising: one more mirage, promising you a shift, something special?

-Yeah it kinda look like that something you said, thought + sensation = emotion, a talking sensation.

Right now, is anything missing from experience?

- No everything is as it should be, thoughts, sensation, smell, taste touch spontaneously popping up, everything is recognized and happening immediately.

Is there anything left to do?

-Nothing is left to do, be the dans.

Anything at all?

- Absolutely nothing.

Much love and thanks !
- Anton

[graceabounds]

:)

Nothing is owned. Nothing is controlled. Nothing is needed. Nothing is missing.

And yet… everything is alive.

Get out into nature and simply spend some time watching the movement of the whole. See how clouds move, trees swing, leaves wiggle, grass moves, insects, birds - all move all the time.

Then move focus to sensations and see how they too are in constant motion, thoughts come and go, sounds, colors, sensations come and go.

Notice that everything is part of one movement.
Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself.

Then write what is noticed, what emerges and if any sense of seeking is still present.

Much love,
Becca

[AntonD]

Hello Becca,

Funny part is that I just was on a trip in the woods, when you wrote me that,

Notice that everything is part of one movement.
Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself.

Then write what is noticed, what emerges and if any sense of seeking is still present.

-Noticed that everything that's happening is in the same space, some content in this space have a feeling of me around it, but really it's only a sensation with a label.
Everything comes from the same source, that is, of no source, on the 'outside' and 'inside', and really there is no sides.
It's happening by itself as itself.
Recognized that sensation come and go, shift, bends and dissappears, kinda like the weather, sometimes it's a rainy day.

Everything of this is obvious, it's right there, if one can stay outside of labels.
Don't really know if the sense of seeking has gone away, the ball of sensation in my stomach and pressure over my heart is as present as ever, probably more now.
Trying to only be with the sensation and see that there's no need for resolution and that the label is just a thought.
Something seems to be weighing me down, making me tired and heavy.

When looking at sensation there's no one there, but it's pretty much constant, hard to not build a relationship with it, I don't really know..
Probably still a belief that it we be a magical shift of some sort.

Much love and thanks,

-Anton

[AntonD]

Just gonna wrote what's come up now, when meditating there's a emotion of anger, for being in this standstill, pressure over my chest and upper back pain..

Need to tell you everything, I know that this is labels on sensation, with both locations and what the sensation stand for. For example that anger..

-Anton

[graceabounds]

Yes.

This is coming up to be seen, experienced.

I’d like for you to look directly at the sensations in the stomach and the chest in turn.

Welcome the sensation, without needing it to be different. Notice thoughts needing to define it or make meaning and let that go, turn towards only the pure raw experience. Notice any resistance that is present to these sensations. Allow the tension.

Without analysis, just staying with what is experienced in each sensation directly, ask:
What is behind this?
What is here that feels threatened?
What is here that wants to hold on?
What needs to be protected?
And from what, exactly?

Listen to what emerges. Any answer to these inquiries is not necessarily going to come in words, something could come all at once, in images, a feeling, a knowing. Whatever arises or if nothing is there explore one layer deeper into the raw sensation.

Whatever is there say yes to it. It is ok to feel it all, it has been trying to be witnessed this whole time.


Next, enter the anger. Feel the feeling all the way. Let it go full out. How does this feeling see the world? What words would it communicate if it could? Is there a core belief here?

I’m here for whatever arises.

Much love,
Becca

[AntonD]

Hello,

Without analysis, just staying with what is experienced in each sensation directly, ask:
What is behind this?
What is here that feels threatened?
What is here that wants to hold on?
What needs to be protected?
And from what, exactly?

Feel the feeling all the way. Let it go full out. How does this feeling see the world? What words would it communicate if it could? Is there a core belief here?

-Stomach: How this feeling see the world is through a lens of sadness and confusion, doesn't feel like anything is possible, there's no need to even try almost.
It's scared to be left alone and stop existing, never being able to feel love anymore.
Every loved one dropping away no one to hold on to, nobody that understands.
All of this looks like it's threatening the existence of me, sadness that there will be nothing left.

-Chest: The anger from this perspective looks like it's a reaction from that.
The anger is just wanting to give up, it's pointless, you can't do it. At this point it not sad anymore.

Thanks Becca,

-Anton

[AntonD]

The feeling in the stomach is also afraid to even talk about it. It's out of character, and it don't know how to explain.