Breaking the selfing pattern

[Ovid]

Hi Vince,

A good way to keep this alive is to guide (pay it forward) Tell me if this interests you.

As you can see I have a tendency to reply rather sporadically. I don't think that's a helpful quality in a guide. So I'd rather not take on that responsibility for now. And I want to deepen my understanding first, and see that it really sticks.

Are you still blaming yourself SOME or even A LITTLE for things that happened in the past? That would imply you still believe a little that you have a separate self, it seems...
Or is it rather that it still happens some or a little that thoughts about the past and selfblame come are triggered in certain situations and can be seen to be ultimately a spontaneous emergence without any ultimately separate self, i.e. a misunderstanding just happening?
In other words, next time such thoughts come (or you can invite/try to trigger them now for the purpose of investigation), please check if you still believe they are truly about the real separate you, about your ultimately separate self?

There are situations (e.g. indulging in certain bad habits) that trigger thoughts of self-blame. In those moments it really seems to me like "I" am making a choice and should be blamed for it. Outside of those situations it seems like decisions are just happening.

[vinceschubert]

I'd rather not take on that responsibility for now. And I want to deepen my understanding first, and see that it really sticks.

That's fine. Come back anytime if you're inclined.

There are situations (e.g. indulging in certain bad habits) that trigger thoughts of self-blame. In those moments it really seems to me like "I" am making a choice and should be blamed for it. Outside of those situations it seems like decisions are just happening.

Perfect entry point. Let'sgo in there—right now.

Bring up that moment. One of those “bad habit” scenes.
Let the guilt come. Let the thoughts say “I chose this. I failed.”

Now freeze. Stop right there.

Where is the “I” that made the choice?
Scan body, breath, gut, throat—not the thought content, but the direct, raw sensation of being a self who did wrong.

What do you find?
Is there anything behind the thought? Any substance? Any controller?

Or is it just contraction + thought = illusion of doer?

Look now. Not later.
What’s actually here when that guilt is alive?

much love

vince

[Ovid]

Bring up that moment. One of those “bad habit” scenes.
Let the guilt come. Let the thoughts say “I chose this. I failed.”

Now freeze. Stop right there.

Where is the “I” that made the choice?
Scan body, breath, gut, throat—not the thought content, but the direct, raw sensation of being a self who did wrong.

When I do that, I don't find an "I" that made the choice anywhere.

There is a strong urge to dive into thoughts: "But if there is no 'I' then there's nobody to be held responsible!"

I chose to ignore the thoughts and keep looking. And then it's clear that there is no wrongdoer here. Whatever happened just happened. I don't know how it happened.

Look now. Not later.
What’s actually here when that guilt is alive?

Sight, sound, smell, sensation, and thoughts about "me" and "my bad decisions".

Best
Ovid