To return home

[Jstar]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
There is not separate entity outside of what is here and now - there is no 'me' inside this body or outside controlling anything. There is no separate individual managing ones life - separate from the whole.

What are you looking for at LU?
I want to bring an end to my seeking (from one book to another, one teacher to another, one video to the next) and be convinced that there is nothing to get. Or in other words clearly learn how to look, and how to know that there is no separate self. Also to get clarity on what next - may be this question will fall away too.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I like to look thoroughly and come to my on conclusions. A guide will be able to help and support me in the process and point me in the right direction. I like to learn how to depend on just myself and my experience in inquiry and daily life. In some ways - how could I be my own authority, yet live in a harmonious way.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I can't remember when I started seeking - but it is densely close to 10 years atleast. I have studied Advaita primarily, practiced meditations, read many books, listened to many teachers (both traditional and modern). I do inquiry into what is happening and also into myself. I have some psychology background and do some inquiry/practices to release my past/emotions/stories. I do some somatic exercises. At this point, I am almost certain there is nothing to gain in the future and there is no one controlling anything. I guess I have a feeling that I have not crossed some threshold yet - because I still seek, though it seems the intensity and hope have both declined substantially.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self?
10

[Bananafish]

Hi Jstar. :)

My name is Kento, one of the guides in this website.
I'd be glad to help you clarify what you wish to clarify.

If it's ok, please start by elaborating on the quote below.

I guess I have a feeling that I have not crossed some threshold yet - because I still seek, though it seems the intensity and hope have both declined substantially.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Kento

[Jstar]

Hi Kento:)
So glad to see your note and thanks for helping me. I am smiling, because I realised something and felt you caught me there :)

I have an assumption from some LU threads that something 'visceral' (I remember this word) the needs to happen.

I have read so many interviews with 'awakened' where they share their stories - they talk about a 'shift, change in perception, death, freefall, penny drops, me falls away and so on. I guess I am still holding on to some of these expectations.

I think I confuse between inquiry and seeking. I have not experienced anything other than what is right here. I don't know what this is other than seeing, hearing, thinking so on which is always changing. Yet there seems to be something here that is not recognised by me (I know this only from others descriptions of what this is - Eg. unknowing, energy, nothing/everything, etc.). I am inquiring into my experiences (guided by some books, videos etc.) of seeing, hearing, thinking etc. when I can. I guess there is an expectation around this and also some flavour of seeking (trying to get to something).

I used to believe that there is something in the future I can attain. And my goal used to be to get this, which I expected will make me a good person, gain others appreciation and acceptance (including my faults). This seemed to be a myth as I inquired into the nature of 'me', which I could not find as an entity, other than in a thought interpreting a sensation, feeling, or another thought.

I listen to videos which assert that waking up is possible through inquiry. I also listen to videos that claims there is nothing to be done or nothing needs to be done. So there is still an expectation of something that can happen - I guess that is still seeking.

In short, my statement indicates an expectation that I have (as thoughts and feelings) for something to happen. I know it does not happen to me, because I have seen that there is no separate entity me.

Much appreciate you helping me. Looking forward to our interactions.
Gratitude
J

[Jstar]

Hi Kento :)
Did you receive my response?
J

[Bananafish]

Hi J. :)

Sorry, somehow the notification didn't work and I haven't noticed
that you replied.

I'll write again very soon; just to let you know that I'm with you to
start our inquiry.

Regards,

Kento

[Bananafish]

Hi J. :)

I have not experienced anything other than what is right here. I don't know what this is other than seeing, hearing, thinking so on which is always changing. Yet there seems to be something here that is not recognised by me (I know this only from others descriptions of what this is - Eg. unknowing, energy, nothing/everything, etc.).

It seems to me that you have stuffed yourself with what other people say about a certain
realization, and our first step is to set aside all of them and see it anew.

Then it is closer than you've ever expected it to be.

Shall we begin our inquiry now?


Warm regards,

Kento

[Jstar]

Hi Kento

Thats perfect. Yes I am ready to begin the inquiry. Thanks for helping me with this.
regards
J

[Bananafish]

Hi Jstar, sorry for the repeated delay in reply.

You wrote you have seen that there is no separate entity you.
Could you tell in details about this?

Warm regards,

Kento

[Jstar]

Hi Kento

I looked as instructed by facilitators in other threads in this forum (not to me, but to other members) and also based on instructions I read/heard/watched in books/videos of authors. All I could find every time I looked is bodily sensations, thoughts, visual experience and so on. There was no entity that seemed a 'me', other than in thoughts, writings or communication to others. Sometimes this label I refers to the body, sometimes to the person with all its history. In thoughts, sometimes this sense of an I (separate entity) seems so real when there is guilt or bodily sensations and a memory of the past. Examples are thoughts/images like 'I did something wrong", "I need to do something to fix it.", "I am guilty of hurting my wife.", "I didn't meditate/exercise today", "I am responsible to my family." Even at these times, when I look, I don't find anything that can be labelled as a separate I, other than thoughts, sensations, images and so on.

Best regards

[Bananafish]

Hi Jstar. :)

Do you feel like that realization is more of
an intellectual one, or based on visceral, experiential
understanding?

Did you sense any kind of shift happening?

Warmly,

Kento

[Jstar]

Hi Kento

Do you feel like that realization is more of
an intellectual one, or based on visceral, experiential
understanding?

I do not know it is just intellectual. My best guess is that had some experiential elements. I say that because this understanding has made a difference in the way I live - intense activities of seeking has drastically reduced, I became more aware of my body, there were many times when energy was released, I had clearer understanding how I operate in the world, I went through a period of some sort of sorrow/grieving as well. Having said that, I did not experience anything I have heard others describing. Like I mentioned in the responses to questions in the application, nothing 'visceral' that I remember or can describe.

Did you sense any kind of shift happening?

No. I did not sense any shift.

thanks

[Jstar]

Hi Kento:)
Look forward to your response to below.
regards

[Bananafish]

Hi Jstar. :) Sorry for the late reply again.

We have to be careful that sometimes intellectual understanding
can make a difference in the way people live; and I'm not saying that's wrong, but
we want to be very sure that you have clearly seen (in a crystal clear way) that
the entity, (however it is called) as a subject, in opposition to objects, was
a total illusion, or mental fabrication. That is such a clear one that it doesn't need
to be assessed based on the changes in one's everyday life; it is a clear experience in itself.

Could you say that with confidence?

Warm regards,

Kento

[Jstar]

Hi Kento
No, I cant say that with clarity, confidence and my own authority. So it might be an intellectual understanding, that has affected my day to day living. Not a deep realisation that I can definitely say YES with confidence. Please help me.

regards

[Bananafish]

Hi Jstar. :)

Ok, let's start anew, then.

Please tell whether you feel there is a kind of subject in here looking at
the world out there.

If so, please tell in details what that feeling is like.

Kento