It might be interesting to have a play and see what happens when you try to be aware. What difference does it make ? Does your posture or what you feel in your body/mind change ? Do you feel more tense or relaxed ?
Well, I've spent the past 3 years trying very hard to be aware. I took a closer look at this after you suggested it though. The thing is, what I was trying to do isn't "being aware". What I was trying to do was to pay more focused attention to things. So, trying to create an experience where I'm "aware". I'm seeing more and more that I cannot do this, and trying doing this is counter productive. To answer your question, when I try to make myself aware I'm essentially creating a story persona who is determined and tense and trying to prove something to herself.
One thing in particular I noticed is that I really want to DO this spiritual awakening thing, I want to be the one responsible for it, I want to make it happen, and to look on its having happened and feel proud about it. I imagine myself doing this in the future. Part of me resists letting go of this trying because I want to be the one to make it happen. I can see now that making myself aware is impossible, and yet the tendency to want this and to feel a sense of pride when I feel I "progress" at all is unavoidable.
I also tried the opposite today, I tried to NOT be aware. This was of course also impossible.
I'm thinking all along what I thought was awareness was not awareness. But still, I have some questions. Why is it that pretty much every spiritual teacher says "be aware"? How can this be possible for me to do?
And also, what is the quality of difference in experience when it feels like I'm aware versus not? Is this just a matter of where attention is focused? Is it a matter of want? Is it a thought that is in my mind during these periods? There is clearly something different that happens between the times when I'm feeling that I'm "in awareness" versus not.
At least now I'm able to more and more just notice when these periods happen and not try to cause them or try to take credit for them.
The throat one sounds interesting, maybe you need to say or do something that you have been holding back ?
Maybe. In fact, this throat block has been something I noticed quite a long time ago, and in fact it's improved quite a bit. I used to be very shy and also very insecure about knowing how I was feeling about things, and this is something that has changed since I began meditating. I'm noticing that more and more what I want to say just pours out of me. But still, I guess there is more to be let go of here. But again, I can't force it. I tried very hard to force it at first. But once I stopped trying is when it started to get better.
I'm still working on the question about whether there is a doer or an experiencer. I don't think there is, and I notice all the time that things are happening without me doing it.
I have also had some interesting meditations since I wrote last. It seemed like after the run I described I was opened up more emotionally. I had some meditations where it seemed that a lot of emotion is coming up and moving through me, not without discomfort, but its also not terrible. I keep remembering that there isn't anyone for this to stick to.
I also had a little while the other day where I felt overwhelmed by the meaninglessness of my life. It felt to me as though I am invisible and not remarkable at all in the vast expanse of things and this was difficult to accept.
These overwhelming emotions are largely why I didn't write yesterday. I was feeling difficulty to do much at all.
The thing is, I do believe that I am invisible and not remarkable at all. I think that is the point of all of this. I'm feeling more at peace with it, but I think its going to come up again.
Thanks again for being here for me.