Seeking Peace

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Anastacia42
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Anastacia42 » Sat Aug 22, 2020 4:38 am

Hi Sara,
Am I understanding this correctly now?
Yes, ma'am.

This is something I like to emphasize -

The difference between how the body feels when we tell the truth and how the body feels when we lie is one of the most useful skills - if not the most useful skill - a human being can have.

Check it out for yourself. Think of times when you have lied his someone and check your body for Sensations. Then think of times when you know you told the truth and check your body Sensations. Then you can even notice times when you had revelations of the truth, maybe even when doing the work of Byron Katie, and see what you find there.

Let me know what is found.


Loving
~ Stacy

"Not to know there is an alternative to being lost
in thought is to be a kind of prisoner."

~ Sam Harris

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Sara2
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Sara2 » Sun Aug 23, 2020 7:54 am

Check it out for yourself. Think of times when you have lied his someone and check your body for Sensations. Then think of times when you know you told the truth and check your body Sensations. Then you can even notice times when you had revelations of the truth, maybe even when doing the work of Byron Katie, and see what you find there.
When I lie I feel guilt, immediately. That feels like a clenching, sinking, nauseating feeling in my abdomen. There’s a closing off and cutting off of connection with life. There have been times when I’ve immediately turned around and told the truth because I fee so sick. A lot of these lies have been things like staying at a job or staying in a relationship when my body was telling me it was time to let go and I’m refusing to do so. I’ve always looked to my mind for answers, which can be useful with somethings but not so much with others. I’ve always struggled to connect to and trust that deeper knowing.
When I’m truthful or realize truth, like when I’m doing the work, there is a relaxation, opening and spaciousness. I’m connected with life. This happens when I question thoughts and beliefs and they dissolve. It’s hard to think of the right words to really describe this. I was working through a worksheet yesterday and it was a situation I was so angry about I almost didn’t want to do the work on it because I didn’t think I could see it differently at this point. But then it happened and it was kind of that melting feeling. All the tension was gone and I felt there was nothing separate here.
I’d love more of your thoughts or experiences with this. It’s been an interesting question to explore.

Sara

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Anastacia42
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Anastacia42 » Sun Aug 23, 2020 2:31 pm

Good morning, and good.

Oh, I forgot to ask what time zone you're in?
When I lie I feel guilt
Remember the Colored Socks exercise?

We are learrning to distinguish between Actual/DIrect Experience and the content of thought. Content of thought is made up. It has to be taught. If we were just landing on this planet from an alien world, we might not have a clue about the content of thought that Earthlings are taught - and believe.

Yes, we have to use words to communicate and there will be some we use that we know do not exist in AE, but help us to communicate. I asked about "lie" and "truth," but those are both just content of thought or labels, for the purpose of learning.

Actual or Direct Experience is:

Seeing
Hearing
Feeling (body sensation, not emotions - emotions are body sensation plus content of thought or interpretation
Tasting
Smelling
Thought Arising (we can't deny that it does, but not the content of thought, which has to be learned



But "guilt?" Is "guilt" AE?
losing off and cutting off of connection with life
Really? Does that *really* happen? Or is it a story? Some New Age belief we never questioned?
A lot of these lies have been things like staying at a job or staying in a relationship when my body was telling me it was time to let go and I’m refusing to do so.
Oh, I do know those! Like the back of my hand. Yes, we do that.

When I’m truthful or realize truth, like when I’m doing the work, there is a relaxation, opening and spaciousness.
Yes. Exactly. Katie says, "If it hurts, you're lying - but only always."
I’m connected with life.
How were you ever "disconnected? State that out loud, thinking of a specific situation when your thinking told you that you were "disconnected from life" and check your gut feeling. What is found?

It’s hard to think of the right words to really describe this.
Yes, it can be. Words are not the thing or the now itself. All words are lies. We made them up. But we use them to do our best.

I"m going to venture that you don't really want my thoughts. Thoughts are stories. Mine are no more true than yours are. What is needed is to pay attention to what is true, what is Actual or Direct Experience. You already know all that you need. It is and has always been right in front of you. It was always this way.

I ask questions, and point to where to look. All you have to do is LOOK.

Please watch this short video on what we are doing here:

http://www.liberationunleashed.com/reso ... h-honesty/

All the tension was gone and I felt there was nothing separate here.

So, when you answer, leave out the thinking. We don't care. That won't get you anywhere. You have been thinking and believing your thoughts all your life. Just answer about your Direct Experience. LOOK at the Direct or Actual Experience. Ignore thinking. Ignore the content of thought.

Now, let's relate this to the exercise a couple of days ago. Can you see why it is more relaxed to say, "seeing the chair," rather than "I see the chair?" Directions ask you to check your body Sensation about 3 times in that exercise. Why? This tells you what is true and what is made up, a story, a lie.

Ilona says we are "life life-ing."

These exercises direct your attenton to that, much like The Work does, only differently. The result is relaxing. This also means that we must relax in order to SEE that there is no self. Stressing and straining prevent seeing.

I'm going to let you get through this before I give another exercise. Do you have any questions?


And now you know why I sign:

Loving,
~ Stacy

"Not to know there is an alternative to being lost
in thought is to be a kind of prisoner."

~ Sam Harris

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Sara2
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Sara2 » Wed Aug 26, 2020 3:14 am

Hi Stacy,

I'm in the eastern time zone. I live in North Carolina. I work nights, as a nurse, so I keep some crazy hours. I may get behind a day or two if I'm doing a couple shifts in a row and depending how busy they are.
But "guilt?" Is "guilt" AE?
Guilt is a thought. It is not AE. It's a label or concept i've been taught. So when thinking about lying as a concept I associate it with feeling "guilt", but guilt cant actually live in AE. It doesn't seem like lying can be AE either, can it?
Really? Does that *really* happen? Or is it a story? Some New Age belief we never questioned?
When I question that thought I realize no, it cant happen because its implying i'm somehow separate from life. That there's a me and there's life that the me can participate in or not.
How were you ever "disconnected? State that out loud, thinking of a specific situation when your thinking told you that you were "disconnected from life" and check your gut feeling. What is found?
I guess you can't really miss out on life huh? I'm it. Nothing happening "out there". When the seer and the seen dissolve into seeing I never feel that disconnect can exist. It's like life unfolds in whatever direction I look. I get to play. My thinking tells me I'm disconnected from life when I'm doing a lot of thinking, usually about something stressful, then that thought pops up and adds more stress. Funny how that works.
Do you have any questions?
The relaxing vs stressing and straining is a helpful reminder. Every question I'm thinking of I kind of answer myself, because they are just thoughts and there quite a few limiting ones around awakening. I haven't realized that before and this is helping me to question them.

Sara

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Anastacia42
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Anastacia42 » Wed Aug 26, 2020 4:05 pm

Good morning, Sara,

Ugh - night shifts - that would be really hard on me. Glad you're out there, though.
guilt cant actually live in AE. It doesn't seem like lying can be AE either, can it?
Correct. All words are labels. None are true. None are AE. We use them as a convenience, knowing we are always a bit off trying to do so.
When the seer and the seen dissolve into seeing I never feel that disconnect can exist. It's like life unfolds in whatever direction I look. I get to play.
Yes! That sounds like SEEING no self.
hen that thought pops up and adds more stress. Funny how that works.
Indeed, mind/thought is tricky that way.
The relaxing vs stressing and straining is a helpful reminder. Every question I'm thinking of I kind of answer myself, because they are just thoughts and there quite a few limiting ones around awakening. I haven't realized that before and this is helping me to question them.
Excellent. ACIM (A Course in Miracles) correctly tells us, "A comfortable sense of leisure is essential." But that did not really click with me until I took a meditation course that was only given once (and luckily was recorded. Ask and I'll share those with you. They're in my Dropbox.) One of the instructions, and the instructor pointed it out at one point, was to "relax in that." He pointed out that all of his meditations included that instruction. Relaxed is the only way we will SEE. That's probably why often seeing no self pops up when we aren't specifically meditating, proving the quote, "Enlightenment is an accident. Meditation makes you accient prone."

Okay, now that you are all relaxed, apply that to this exercise:


Observing Thoughts

Sit quietly for about 30 minutes and notice the arising thoughts.

Just let them appear as they appear. Try your best to COMPLETELY ignore what they are saying and just notice how they appear without you doing anything at all.

Where are they coming from and going to?

Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?

Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment instead?

Can you predict your next thought?

Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?

Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?

Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?

Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just notice if there is an organised sequence? Or is that just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that ‘one thought follows another thought’?

Look closely and let me know how that goes for you.


Quote each question and then answer beneath it, one at a time, please.

Loving,
~ Stacy

"Not to know there is an alternative to being lost
in thought is to be a kind of prisoner."

~ Sam Harris

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Sara2
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Sara2 » Fri Aug 28, 2020 10:49 pm

Sorry for the delay. I’ve had a lot going on the past few days. Will do this exercise and post back this weekend!

Sara

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Anastacia42
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Anastacia42 » Fri Aug 28, 2020 10:58 pm

Thanks for checking in!
~ Stacy

"Not to know there is an alternative to being lost
in thought is to be a kind of prisoner."

~ Sam Harris

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Sara2
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Sara2 » Mon Aug 31, 2020 7:04 am

Hi Stacy,

I'm sorry for the late response, my sister was in a bad car accident and has been in the hospital. She seems to be doing better, but its been up and down the past few days.

Yes, I'd love the recording from the meditation course. Thank you!
Where are they coming from and going to?
I have no idea. They seem to come out of no where and then vanish. Obviously I can go into the neuroscience, which doesn't really tell us much more than this anyway, but in the experience of this exercise I cant find any start or finish. The thoughts appear and the origination and dissipation seem to happen so quickly I don't see it. It's kind of like the "self". I was told how I came into existence, but no matter how hard I try I don't remember being born.
Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?
No. I see how sometimes outside stimuli seems to trigger a particular thought or thoughts, but I don't really choose that. I can attempt to make my surroundings more desirable for practices like these, but cant really control my environment/experience. Awareness of the experience arises as does the awareness of the thought about the experience, I didn't choose either.
Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment instead?
No. By the time I become aware of the thought, the thought has come and then gone. Sometimes I felt like I'm having the thought that I had a thought. Actually it usually seems that way.
Can you predict your next thought?
I was not once able to predict my next thought, so no.
Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?
I wish! No, definitely not.
Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?
Nope. I am already having it by the time I'm aware I'm having it. These does not seem to be any steering away from one type of thought to another. It seems like most thoughts are pretty neutral until i attach to them and get wrapped up in their content. Like I had the thought someone didn't call me back when they said they would, and that was just a thought until I attached to it and thought that means that I'm not important to them and on and on and then it became painful. I guess "i'm not important to them" is also just a thought though.
Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?
I seem to be able to sometimes direct my attention towards one thing or another, but I can't pick the thought that comes up.
Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

Unfortunately, no, not in my experience.
It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just notice if there is an organised sequence? Or is that just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that ‘one thought follows another thought’?
It does seem like one thought follows another, like with the thought about the friend not returning the phone call and then attaching the thought "I'm not important to them" to that thought. But, essentially, it's just a thought telling me that too. I can't know that one creates the other.
Look closely and let me know how that goes for you.
It's pretty bizarre to just watch the mind without believing it or following the thoughts. That voice just constantly drones on and on! It seems to come up with stuff that centers around the situations currently going on in my life, but if it don't attach to those thoughts then it just comes up with all kinds of random stuff, and I can really see how not in control of them I am. In seeing this, it becomes easier to relax as I become less bothered and attached to what thoughts are going through my head. I also feel some fear come up..."who am I if I'm not this voice in my head?" "Will life be boring?" "Will I not care about anything?". I guess these are more thoughts too. When I do this work they come up. It feels like a fear of dying. I know it's the ego death, but it feels like a panic almost.

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Anastacia42
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Anastacia42 » Mon Aug 31, 2020 8:00 pm

Good morning!

Would you understand if I say that your sister is fine whether she knows it or not? Both my father and mother died in 2020. I couldn't find any sadness. Do you know what Byron Katie says about sadness? She says it is a temper tantrum against reality. We aren't accepting "what is." We want it some other way. This is SO true. But you can't say this to just anyone. Most people take offense because they don't know what you know about Actual Experience vs. the content of thought. Amazing how things change as you apply what you know in this way.

Yes, there is not a thing we can do to control any aspect of thought arising. It just does. There is Awareness of it, yes. However, does this Awareness prove separate "self?" Or an "ego?"

I like to remind folks that we didn't have an "ego" until a cigar-smoking cocaine addict in Austria said we did.

Is there any AE that is some thing called, "ego?" Can you see, hear, feel, taste or smell it? Hmm. Does it exist? Did it ever? And if it did not - how can this non-existent thing called "ego" die?

Same thing for "self." Did a "self" ever exist? Can it die? (No need to spend long on these questions. LOOKING will show you what is true)

By the time I become aware of the thought, the thought has come and then gone.
Exactly! There is a meditation in the Dropbox called "Beginning Thinking" where you watch thoughts come and go like this.

It's pretty bizarre to just watch the mind without believing it or following the thoughts

So, you say you "wish" you could avoid unpleasant thoughts and "unfortunately" you can't. This can be explored, as well. Think of an "unpleasant" thought you "wish" you didn't have. Got one? Now think of at least 3 or more ways in which this thought is beneficial. What are the reasons you are *glad* you have this thought? (I suppose this is skipping to TAs (Turn Arounds) and if we need to backtrack, we can. But I think you can find some reasons to be very happy you had an unpleasant thought. You seem to have a handle on this kind of thing. If not, no worries.

It's pretty bizarre to just watch the mind without believing it or following the thoughts
It is, isn't it? Very relaxing, as you noticed, once you let go. Remember how Katie says, "I'd take out the 'probably?'" For you, it's I'd take out the 'I guess.'" Right?

This exercise can be done with anything with a sound track that follows something happening - or just use the sport video.

Stream Exercise

Imagine for a moment a scene, one of a little mountain stream which is tumbling down a hillside gully, not far from its source. It has been raining and so the level is quite high.

Consider in your mind's eye, if you can, how it flows to the right over a little rock (where, had the level been lower, it would probably have gone around the rock), then the flow goes to the left over a tree bow, and then slows a little in a broader place, before splashing over a small cascade into a pool, and so on down the mountain side.

Does it choose any of its directions?

Is it even really a separate entity different from the water deposited in it, the rocks, the depressions in the ground etc? Is it even the same entity moment by moment, or more the product of weather conditions and water, like an ever-changing pattern?

1. Can you find anywhere where 'insert name' autonomously intervenes into life, choosing something that is not the product of all the elements; that is not a part of the overall flow?

2. Now please consider a regular decision made eg; what to wear in the morning, or what to eat for lunch, and describe to me what happens. There are environmental factors, there are colour preferences (but where did those come from - any autonomous intervention there perhaps?), practical issues (such as what is available), available time for preparation, purpose (eg; need to fill up for the day, or to look hip and cool for that person!) etc.

Where in there is an autonomous entity intervening in the flow of life?

Can you find someone somewhere?

3. Can anything be found for which 'insert name' is responsible – if so responsible to what
and for what?

Relax into it. Describe what is found.


PM me an email address (top right of this page) and I'll send you a link to my Dropbox with the other pointers.

Loving,
~ Stacy

"Not to know there is an alternative to being lost
in thought is to be a kind of prisoner."

~ Sam Harris

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Sara2
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Sara2 » Tue Sep 01, 2020 10:39 pm

Hi Stacy,

Yes, I understand this but realize that to most people it would seem insensitive and uncaring. There have been a lot of situations that have arisen this year that I have REALLY hated and I do feel like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum on the floor sometimes, I'm just doing it on the inside, because "it's not supposed to be this way". The pain of these situations (or the painful thoughts and beliefs about them) is one of the reasons I'm here. I'm absolutely exhausted from fighting with reality. I often think of Katie saying "the reality is kind", and sometimes I have a very hard time seeing this, but I imagine that's because of what I expect kindness to look like. It seems like something i have to relax into and trust.

Great point about where "ego" came from!!
Is there any AE that is some thing called, "ego?" Can you see, hear, feel, taste or smell it? Hmm. Does it exist? Did it ever? And if it did not - how can this non-existent thing called "ego" die?

Same thing for "self." Did a "self" ever exist? Can it die? (No need to spend long on these questions. LOOKING will show you what is true)
No, there is no AE of ego or self. They are concepts that only exist in thought. No inherent existence that I can find. I have no recollection of it being born or experience of it's existence other than my thoughts about it. Yet, i'm attached and afraid to lose my illusions.
So, you say you "wish" you could avoid unpleasant thoughts and "unfortunately" you can't. This can be explored, as well. Think of an "unpleasant" thought you "wish" you didn't have. Got one? Now think of at least 3 or more ways in which this thought is beneficial. What are the reasons you are *glad* you have this thought? (I suppose this is skipping to TAs (Turn Arounds) and if we need to backtrack, we can. But I think you can find some reasons to be very happy you had an unpleasant thought. You seem to have a handle on this kind of thing. If not, no worries.
I can certainly see this with some thoughts, but I do struggle with being glad for thoughts like "she doesn't care about me" or "he abandoned me". Unless you mean in the process of turning these thoughts around, I get to see whats more true. That these thoughts are always bringing me back to myself, because all of it is me. There are no other people "out there" to hurt me. Maybe this is something I can look at more.

I feel frustrated with myself sometimes because i feel like i know a lot of this stuff conceptually, but that true "knowing" or AE of it isnt there, or it comes and goes but never stays. I feel relief from certain thoughts or beliefs after doing the work, but then the thoughts and pain come back. Maybe my expectation of getting relief or permanent relief is problematic here? I don't expect a life free from human emotions and pain, but I do want to stop feeling like that two year old crying and screaming on the floor about not liking what's happening right now!

I will answer the rest of this later tonight or tomorrow. Have to go to work.

Much love,

Sara

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Anastacia42
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Anastacia42 » Wed Sep 02, 2020 8:01 pm

Hi Sara,

I can facilitate you in a Worksheet here, if you like?

Find a specific situation in which you:
feel frustrated with myself sometimes because i feel like i know a lot of this stuff conceptually, but that true "knowing" or AE of it isnt there, or it comes and goes but never stays. I feel relief from certain thoughts or beliefs after doing the work, but then the thoughts and pain come back. Maybe my expectation of getting relief or permanent relief is problematic here? I don't expect a life free from human emotions and pain, but I do want to stop feeling like that two year old crying and screaming on the floor about not liking what's happening right now!
I do struggle with being glad for thoughts like "she doesn't care about me" or "he abandoned me"
Life IS lather, rinse, repeat and yet, once you have seen that there is no self, you can't lose the inner peace of that. Things become much less fraught. And if something shows up, well, you have ways to look at it.

On the Worksheet, if you chose to do one, include all of these expectatons. Fears and expectations are pretty much the only things in the way of SEEING.

Worksheet

1. I am _____________ with ___________ (could be "Life") because _____________________.

2. I want ______________ to ______________________________________________________.

3. _____________________ should _________________________________________________.

________________________ shouldn't _______________________________________________.

4. I need ________________ to _____________________________________________________.

5. Being petty & judgmental: _____________ is _______, _________, __________, __________, _________. Give at least 5 words to describe your subject that you are judging (person, institution, abstract like life, whatever).

6. I don't ever want to experience _________________________________ with ____________ again.


If it isn't too much, you can also do the Stream Exercise in my previous post, but you can put that on hold, if you like.

Let's get to the bottom of all of this frustration and temper-tantruming. It is keeping you from being more aware of inner peace.

Loving,
~ Stacy

"Not to know there is an alternative to being lost
in thought is to be a kind of prisoner."

~ Sam Harris

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Sara2
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Sara2 » Thu Sep 03, 2020 9:33 am

Hi Stacy,

Sure, I'd love you to facilitate a worksheet for me! I'm going to attempt to do this on life:

I am angry with life because it so often disappoints me, hurts me, abandons and rejects me. Life has taken away people and things that I need and I can not feel safe and content. I can not trust life to take care of me. It hasn't given me what I deserve and have worked hard for.

I want life to stop being such a scary and painful place. I want life to take care of me, to love me and support me. I want life to put people in my life that wont hurt me and let me down.

Life should have given me a good partner to raise my son with. Life should not give me such difficult circumstances that fill me with shame and self doubt. Life should reward me for all the spiritual work I've done by giving me a happier life.

I need life to stop hurting me. I need life to give me a partner. I need life to give me financial security. I need life to give me friends and family who don't let me down. I need COVID to go away because it scares me. I need the political and racial tensions to stop. I need my son to be healthy and happy. I need my sister and my parents to be healthy. Or I need to wake up so I can be free from all this neediness and frustration.

Life is unfair, unkind, unsafe, disappointing and painful.

I don't ever want to experience disappointment, abandonment or rejection again.

Let me know if I can be more specific here or do something differently. I'm trying not to go too much into my story and circumstances. I feel so silly even saying some of this stuff, but it still comes up. I've meditated, practiced yoga, gone to satsangs, studied all different types of spirituality/religion, attended 12 step meetings, done hours of therapy, read books, listened to non duality teachers, gone on retreats ect and what I've realized is that I've been trying so hard to fix a self that doesn't exist and that's why none of it has worked. Or maybe it has worked, because I've realized that I was missing something and ended up here.

I also did the first meditation from the course you sent me, last night. I was able to sense that spaciousness and neutrality of the place where thoughts arise and I have noticed a much more neutral reaction to thoughts today. Look forward to continuing with the course!

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Anastacia42
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Anastacia42 » Thu Sep 03, 2020 12:05 pm

Good morning!

Great worksheet. it's only 4:30 am here. I just want you to know I've seen your post. I'll reply more fully in a bit.I realize Katie has shifted to wanting a specific situation to focus on. The Work works this way, too.

Good! About the mefitation pointers. Sounds like you're able to follow those.

Don't worry about anything in your Worksheet. No new thoughts, right? I assure you I'm not concerned about whatever situations you may find in your life. I've probably been through some that were similar.

Do you know the Katie quote. "If it hurts. you're lyong?"

I want you to read through your Worksheet paying close attention to body sensations. particularly in your gut or heart & report what Sensation is found.

Note when it's the strongest, on which beliefs or statements?

Loving,
~ Stacy

"Not to know there is an alternative to being lost
in thought is to be a kind of prisoner."

~ Sam Harris

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Anastacia42
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Anastacia42 » Thu Sep 03, 2020 1:14 pm

Good morning!

Great worksheet. it's only 4:30 am here. I just want you to know I've seen your post. I'll reply more fully in a bit.I realize Katie has shifted to wanting a specific situation to focus on. The Work works this way, too.

Good! About the mefitation pointers. Sounds like you're able to follow those.

Don't worry about anything in your Worksheet. No new thoughts, right? I assure you I'm not concerned about whatever situations you may find in your life. I've probably been through some that were similar.

Do you know the Katie quote. "If it hurts. you're lyong?"

I want you to read through your Worksheet paying close attention to body sensations. particularly in your gut or heart & report what Sensation is found.

Note when it's the strongest, on which beliefs or statements?

Loving,
~ Stacy

"Not to know there is an alternative to being lost
in thought is to be a kind of prisoner."

~ Sam Harris

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Sara2
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Re: Seeking Peace

Postby Sara2 » Thu Sep 03, 2020 10:58 pm

Hi Stacy!

That's an early day! Thanks for replying so fast and I look forward to the rest of your response. I love when Katie says that about hurt. It is an indicator that I am not seeing the truth and I even though my mind cant always wrap around that something inside my body does. I figured the "story" of Sara isn't really important here, but I do feel like sharing that the situation I'm having the most painful thoughts about is that I'm currently 6 months pregnant and my ex (the baby's dad) has been absent for pretty much my entire pregnancy. I kind of felt like I was avoiding saying, mostly because I'm embarrassed and ashamed and afraid of being judged (and none of these are new thoughts even though the situation is different then past ones), but there it is. There is plenty more story/thoughts I could go into here and I can certainly write a worksheet on this specific situation if you think that would be helpful. I've done a few and the situation feels much less painful then it used to. But boy, has this situation sent me into some temper tantrums with reality and also shown me how painful it is to fight whats happening, to blame others, to try to control and manipulate life. It kind of feels like i've hit bottom or realized there really is no bottom. Life is a free fall and i don't control it. There is nothing to hang my hat on. I've known all of this, of course, but i guess i don't really know or see it quite yet. This terrifies me but also opens something inside of me. Anyways, when you reminded me "no new thoughts" I realized that even though this particular story line is much more intriguing then others, that my thoughts are not actually new. That's why writing this worksheet on life worked.
I want you to read through your Worksheet paying close attention to body sensations. particularly in your gut or heart & report what Sensation is found.

Much of it makes me feel physically sick, nauseous and like i want to crawl out of my skin or escape this current experience in some way.. My heart contracts and tears well up in my eyes. I'm holding my breath.
Note when it's the strongest, on which beliefs or statements?
"life disappoints me, abandons and rejects me" I don't get what I want and when I do I don't get it the way i want it. I've wanted a child BUT I expected the child to come with a bunch of other things that I'm not getting. And this is just my current example, this is not really new. Seems kinda comical really. Never satisfied.
"I need a partner" and my shame and self doubt seems to center around not having this and it's not just now because I'm pregnant and about to be a mom, but I've ALWAYS felt/thought this!!
"Life is unsafe". I so crave people/institutions/circumstances to be dependable, safe, and secure and even thought they never have been.
"i need to wake up so i can be free from this neediness and frustration"


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