So I sat for those moments as you asked me. Just waiting to see what comes up. In these moments, any totally random thought might arise. Sometimes it carries pictures. Sometimes it’s loud. Sometimes it feels subtler. Sometimes it falls away of its own accord. Sometimes I seem to ‘wake’ suddenly in the middle of the thought to stop it in its tracks. Or perhaps it stops itself voluntarily and drops me. On other occasions one thought is followed by related thoughts. A chain of related thoughts. Sometimes a totally unrelated thought jumps into a related chain of thoughts. I can see them for what they are when they lapse but I can’t witness them when they’re present it doesn’t seem. So I can see the thoughts for what they are after they have passed, in the gap between thoughts. But this gap feels like a thought in and of itself. It is introduced but the thought ‘oh these are thoughts’ and then becomes ‘try to watch your thoughts passing’. These are thoughts too right? And then more thoughts come again and I cannot see them because the thought ‘watch your thoughts has left’. It is like I am possessed by the next thought-show or swept up in it. Or the whole thing is a thought-show. Where is the gap? I am not sure there is one. But then again, if I am recognising all this the question comes... how and who or what is recognising this. In the meditation... I can reach the space of no thought and it is a total void. As if all lights are off. Very difficult to reach and stay there. I can only describe it as a ‘gap’ when it has passed because to describe it as anything when in it would be thought and thereby kill the ‘gap’.Notice how the thought is passing
In the waking day... it seems that thought is more related to circumstances of the day. This is not to say that I have thoughts in every moment of my waking day. Not at all. There are times when I’m just doing what I’m doing, seemingly devoid of thought. This is my waking day ‘gap’ of no thoughts. Playing with the kids for instance. This moment of no thought, might be interrupted but a thought concerning their future. Then a chain of thoughts related to that might be interrupted but the thought ‘notice how thoughts come and go’. There are thoughts that then refer to the noticing of thoughts I’ve just had about my children’s future. So the gap in thoughts is when I’m doing things that hold my attention elsewhere. My attention doesn’t seem as available to a thought-show. In the waking day... the only space in thought is doing something that has my attention firmly elsewhere. The void that can be reached in mediation is beyond reach in the waking state for me.
Whether it be meditation or waking day... whatever I am is subject to whatever thought wants to show me and whenever it wants to show it. This is what I have experienced all day today.
Thanks for keeping with me on this!!