1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
When I look there is no-thing i can find, that I could say is a 'self', 'me' or 'I' , however, there is an experience of a familiar voice of unknown origin which I am in constant dialogue with. This voice seems alien yet not separate when I examine the voice or daydreams that appear I cannot see any rhyme, reason, precursor or possible origin for their content.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
I don't know the ego/self is missing until it barges back into my conscious awareness and starts providing a very detailed critical running commentary. This has only happened a few times and about eight months ago and not again in the same dramatic way since.
At this moment it feels as if there is another which is not separate from me but is not me, providing both visual daydreams and vocal comments in response to everything that is going on. Involved fully in a task the strength of appearance of this in my conscious awareness is weak and to the background, but still present.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days. (In your case, please report from a recent or impactful experience.)
There is an annoyance, with the feeling of pointlessness to the selfs interference in every aspect of everything. I was blind to this in the past. I just thought it was me and needed for life. Now knowing that I am actually no-thing but everything there is a frustration to why this illusion persists.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I simply gave up, stopped striving, pushing, running full speed. Then the funny part for me I didn't even know until it was over and the ego reasserted itself. Now there is knowing of being if I could only just get out of my own way.
5) Describe -
5.1) decision - These have become very weak, I feel I will pretend to keep thinking I am making a decision because what else can I do. But I am more able to let things be.
5.2) intention - This is something I have come to realise as something I have always had. I have held strong intentions and I don't know how but I am confident they will be realised and as far as I can recall they always have.
5.3) free will - I can't see where any personal will would come from but I act as I have it.
5.4) choice - These are all the same for me, I carry on as if any of these were true yet ultimately I don't know if they are and I don't care, there is no real resistance either way.
5.5) control - This is very apparent to me in regards to the matter of the illusion of self. I feel I know, understand, see-through, yet can't control it in any way.
a) What makes things happen?
I don't know. Things just seem to happen. I still do what I do, but I have an acceptance an internal peace that has been growing more and more. That it doesn't matter, what happens happens.
b) How does it work?
I have no idea, it's funny because the more I read and study around these subjects the more I simply don't know.
c) What are you responsible for?
I am not really sure, this is a big issue for me. Sometimes I feel I am responsible for everything other times it feels clear that nothing can be changed so I can just do what I do.
Z) Give examples from experience.
There recently has arisen in me a great urge to help people to the fullest of my capabilities. This is something that has not been part of me before. Yet I couldn't work out who best to help, how best to help and ultimately how to know if my assistance actually helped. So I decided I would simply serve, and do whatever I could whenever able. Looking back over the past six months of doing nothing by trying to help as much as I could. It all looks pointless. One one hand I feel like I made absolutely no difference to anything, the things people asked of me to help them with haven't really changed. Yet I couldn't have done anything else or more and it has been surprisingly easily able to let go of the frustration of not achieving more. It's just what is happening and everything is ok.
6) Anything to add?