Sorry about my absence, I hope it doesn't feel as though I'm ungrateful to you. I wholeheartedly appreciate your dedication and service in helping me with this realisation, but it can be HARD! If I'm being completely honest (which feels also very vulnerable and hard, yet I can understand the importance) I had been feeling quite good for some time and then things flopped, all of a sudden there were more story's (with a no hope narrative), heavy feelings and a no desire, resulting in doing nothing. I know that those can be valuable times to look, but that's easier said than done. I think I had an expectation that when I look and see the truth of the experience, it should automatically make me feel better, but in my case that's just not how it unfolds. This isn't a tool for happiness and avoiding pain, this is simply about seeing that there is no self. Then one day turned in two so on and so forth, then an anxiety arose about you being disappointed and angry lol. I just couldn't face it! It came back once I was feeling better and wasn't swept up in a 'me' story, there was a remembering that the 'me' is only an entity in thoughts and thoughts are real in the experience, but the contents of them aren't. I could really see for a brief moment, that the intimacy of experience is always here despite there being self referential thoughts or not, which is ultimately referencing a self that doesn't exist.
I have glimpses quite often, but its really hard for me to hold what I realised in those moments. Is it essential for me to remember all of these or does that not matter in eventually having an obvious shift, like people talk about?
Can a self be found making the body leave the bed?
Where does the "decision", the "command" to get up comes from?
I didn't have a decision or command that prompted me to get up, I just got up.
What makes the body get up?
I felt energy rising in the body and it became increasingly uncomfortable to be laying down, the body naturally moved to a position of comfort.
Is there an ‘I’ that commands the body?
There was no 'I' commanding the body. With the rise of energy in the body, thoughts came along the lines of 'I want to get up' or 'I need to do xyz' but they had no sway in the getting up. They were thoughts about the energy in the body and the increasing desire to move. I want to say the thoughts about getting up can prompt the energy in the body to rise and start moving, but I can't observe the thoughts doing any prompting action.
When lying there, shout 'GET UP' internally as loudly as you can. Does that affect the outcome?
For me it had no affect on the outcome. It took quite a while for me to get up, so over the period of time I was laying down before getting up, the words 'GET UP' were internally shouted a couple of time. I didn't notice any change in how my body was feeling after yelling 'GET UP'.
Repeat this with sitting in a chair. Describe in detail the decision of standing up.
How does the decision happen exactly?
I sat down and concentrated on the experience (sounds, sensations etc..) ignoring thoughts. Then just stood up, this time there was really no decision, I just got up and sat back down. This really highlighted that I thought I needed thoughts in order for these things to happen, but really they just happened. The bodily processes are perfectly capable of moving despite of whether or not thoughts were present or not.
Does a self come in and take over, weighing pros and cons, looking at possible consequences?
Not for me at this stage. I suppose I do, do this for example when I'm in bed at night and am weighing pros and cons of whether or not to get out of the warm bed for a glass of water or not. But I can see that those are just thoughts coming from no self, just arising. I will look closer at this when I'm in that situation.
Or does standing up just happen, or not, without any doer?
Definitely no doer! thoughts about doing it are present sometimes. But I can really see it just happens.
What makes the body to stand up?
I don't even think I can experience what makes the body get up. I just get up, bodily processes happen. No self doing it.
Now let’s investigate intention.
Sit in a chair and observe how the intention of standing up happens.
How is it known that there is an intention to stand up?
Just within thoughts about intention or action.
While sitting there, say internally several times ‘I intend to get up’. What happens?
There was just the narration 'I intend to get up', there was no carry on effects of those words for me, I just continued to sit.
What is it that made the intention to get up?
Nothing, intention is only a concept withing the realm of thoughts and thinking.
Now, zoom onto the intention (of getting up) very closely. Look at the intention itself directly.
Stare at the intention itself. Not the thoughts of “I intend to get up”, but THE intention itself.
Can you locate THE intention itself?
No, It only exists in thoughts.
How the intention is actually experienced?
Within a thought.