Ready to Die

[Thorzen]

Hey there, Thorzen here, I have been searching for some 6 years now and meditated on and off, now more intensely. I am not stopped by fear, or anything else anymore, I want to know truth and being, and I am ready to do anything to do so.

[Garsius Tyla]

Hi Thorzen.

What are your expectations about all this stuff at moment?

And what is most important: Do you exist?

Ask yourself this, look what comes and write it down here.

Be honest with yourself when investigating.

[Thorzen]

I have no mental attachments or any attachments to this world, I only drift by because I haven't found a way to jump out of the boat yet, so I will be completely honest.

My expectations is to feel my iness, to attain to bliss, or something deeper, silenter, I want to feel "me" and I want involuntary thoughts to subside.

I feel that I exist, I feel a goodness, an I-ness inside my body, a sort of inner rightness. I feel a center. I am.

[Garsius Tyla]

My expectations is to feel my iness, to attain to bliss, or something deeper, silenter, I want to feel "me" and I want involuntary thoughts to subside.

Okey. As for now take your all expectation to the side. Later after you pass, we can discuss how those was met, or not...

I feel that I exist, I feel a goodness, an I-ness inside my body, a sort of inner rightness. I feel a center. I am.

There is feelings, there is thoughts, there is a body - all right.

What do you see/feel as centre. Look one more time, look carefully - what that centre stand for? What is it for real?

No pre-ideas, pre-concepts. Only pure looking, investigating. Don't rush, take your time.

[Thorzen]

It is a place of peace and calm and stability that doesn't change no matter how the world changes or how my mind changes. It is like a silent explosion in outer space that levels all down to a state of peace again. Like the gentle touch of a woman soothing a raging bull.

[Thorzen]

It is silence.

[Garsius Tyla]

It is a place of peace and calm and stability that doesn't change no matter how the world changes or how my mind changes. It is like a silent explosion in outer space that levels all down to a state of peace again. Like the gentle touch of a woman soothing a raging bull.

It is silence.

Beautiful. How come that all this nice thing need some "I" to be? Look again inside to that marvellous silence. How come there are belief about some "I" in it?

Or it is just silence by itself?

[Thorzen]

It is obscured now again by some kind of background negativity, cloud-like that I amassed a little earlier. When you asked the question it responded immediatly, but now I can't truly feel it, I just feel a badness covering up my inner being right now.

[Garsius Tyla]

It is obscured now again by some kind of background negativity, cloud-like that I amassed a little earlier. When you asked the question it responded immediatly, but now I can't truly feel it, I just feel a badness covering up my inner being right now.

Welcome all that negativity closer to you and be as friends with it. Sit like this for a moment. Even try to hug it and hold it for little longer. What is it behind those feelings? Behind all stuff that come and go?

[Thorzen]

No answer is coming... Either the answer is not coming, or the answer is nothing. I don't know, you will have to ask something else perhaps? No, it seems that the answer is nothing, or nothingness

[Thorzen]

I am nothingness? This feels true, I feel lighter, I am smiling.. but it makes no sense

[Garsius Tyla]

So you can see, that behind feelings, there is nothing, no entity you could call "I"?

Nothingness you see as an entity, or as it is for real - NO THING?

Look one more time to that nothingness and answer.

[Thorzen]

I am not, and it is beautiful, but how to realize this permanently?

[Thorzen]

To answer better, it seems that I am not, but that something feels beautiful, even though I am not, it feels good to not be.. I am not, I am not I am.. Not

I am and I am not at the same time

[Thorzen]

But it is so fleeting, the realization doesn't stick