Hi May,
I have spent the last week and more actually looking for the "I', the separate identity or self.
When I have not looked deeply or clearly enough, there is an "I" that seems to claim ownership over intense feelings of restlessness, fear, sadness and grief, even over panic attacks or acute anxiety...and thought comes in and says "its unbearable and uncomfortable" and "I cant handle this". The thought-feeling mechanism of fight/resistance or flight is felt strongly...it has been intense and acute on quite a few occasions disrupting my sleep in the early hours of the morning....at 3am or 4am! Or the first thing on getting up in the morning as well.
At other times, during the last week or so but not YET often enough, I have seen that there is no "I" in the midst of a negative mental-emotional storm...it's just a storm passing through the system.
You wrote "Moments of loss often feel like everything solid has fallen apart, as if the ground beneath your feet has vanished. But that collapse is not against you; it’s a clear opening. When what felt like a foundation crumbles, it reveals that there was never really a floor to stand on. Just the vast movement of life, shifting, dissolving, forming again."
I see that "everything solid has fallen apart, as if the ground beneath my feet has vanished....that what felt like a foundation crumbles, that there was never really a floor to stand on"....all these pointers are referring to the non-existant separate identity "I". It's a clear opening into naked empty transparent openness.
I am seeing more and more, albeit gradually, that there is nothing that can be held on to....not even thoughts, images, feelings, sensations, desires...all movements in this...this which is whole.
I am carrying on with my simple daily noticing as you have instructed....but would appreciate any guidance from your end, dear May.
With warmth and gratitude,
Amrit🙏🙋♂️💜
No self
Re: No self
Hi dear Amrit,
It’s beautiful to read your reflections and to feel the honesty in them. What you describe shows a deep sincerity in looking. Seeing that the “I” appears to return, especially in moments of fear, restlessness, or at 3 a.m., is not a setback, it’s the natural unfolding of this seeing.
Notice that both moments, when the “I” feels solid and when it disappears, are equally appearing. They come and go like everything else. What changes between them? Only thought saying “I am back” or “I am gone.” The seeing itself doesn’t move.
When the sense of “I” shows up again, instead of trying to dissolve it, stay curious:
What is it made of right now?
Is it a feeling, a thought, a tightening in the body?
Where exactly is this “someone”?
You may find that it’s never one thing, just a few sensations and a thought claiming ownership. The thought “I can’t handle this” doesn’t belong to anyone; it’s part of the same storm.
The body still carries old reflexes, it wants to protect something that no longer exists. So the nights of anxiety, the sudden awakenings, are not signs of failure; they are echoes of a system learning that there is no separate center to defend.
When the ground seems to vanish, that’s the perfect time to look. Because it shows directly that there was never truly a ground , only the habit of imagining one. What remains when even that falls is just the immediacy of this moment, sounds, breath, feeling... nothing missing, nothing extra.
Let’s keep looking together. When the next wave comes, write and tell me how it feels in the body, where it lives, what shape it takes, before any thought names it.
With love,
It’s beautiful to read your reflections and to feel the honesty in them. What you describe shows a deep sincerity in looking. Seeing that the “I” appears to return, especially in moments of fear, restlessness, or at 3 a.m., is not a setback, it’s the natural unfolding of this seeing.
Notice that both moments, when the “I” feels solid and when it disappears, are equally appearing. They come and go like everything else. What changes between them? Only thought saying “I am back” or “I am gone.” The seeing itself doesn’t move.
When the sense of “I” shows up again, instead of trying to dissolve it, stay curious:
What is it made of right now?
Is it a feeling, a thought, a tightening in the body?
Where exactly is this “someone”?
You may find that it’s never one thing, just a few sensations and a thought claiming ownership. The thought “I can’t handle this” doesn’t belong to anyone; it’s part of the same storm.
The body still carries old reflexes, it wants to protect something that no longer exists. So the nights of anxiety, the sudden awakenings, are not signs of failure; they are echoes of a system learning that there is no separate center to defend.
When the ground seems to vanish, that’s the perfect time to look. Because it shows directly that there was never truly a ground , only the habit of imagining one. What remains when even that falls is just the immediacy of this moment, sounds, breath, feeling... nothing missing, nothing extra.
Let’s keep looking together. When the next wave comes, write and tell me how it feels in the body, where it lives, what shape it takes, before any thought names it.
With love,
May.
"The moment I am aware that I am aware I am not aware. Awareness means the observer is not"
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
"The moment I am aware that I am aware I am not aware. Awareness means the observer is not"
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
Re: No self
Hello Dear May,
It's so lovely to hear back from you. And I am filled with a deep gratitude for your ongoing heartfelt and sincere guidance.
Yes indeed, certainly, definitely, please lets keep looking together at thoughts, feelings and sensations in the body which are seemingly owned or claimed by this "I', the separate self or identity. This "I" is constantly and incessantly pre-occupied with claiming, owning and fixing itself...and is itself always resisting life. This "I" is resistance and suffering itself.
You wrote, "When the ground seems to vanish, that’s the perfect time to look. Because it shows directly that there was never truly a ground, only the habit of imagining one."
I hope you will allow me to put a few things in my personal life into context for you. I hope you will bear with me.
My eldest sister, who passed away in July 2025 and I, have been care givers to my other 65-year old sister who is clinically diagnosed with psychotic depression for these last 4 years here in Singapore. The overwhelming burden of taking care of a clinically depressed sister has taken a severe toll on not only myself but especially on my late elder sister and other siblings. This episode has caused a serious breakdown in our sibling relationships over the last 3 years and our relationships have now become destructive and dysfunctional especially after my eldest sister's recent demise. There are frequent heated disagreements and arguments that are mostly triggered by my sister's condition of psychotic depression. The smiles and joy have gone from our faces and to be very frank and honest, happiness has evaporated or is non-existant in our lives...and in my life, my dear May. My depressed sister is now living with me and my elder brother over here in Singapore.
At this time of writing, I am in Singapore and my partner and son are in Helsinki, Finland. My 23 year old son stopped talking to me more than a year ago and both he and my partner (she works in the foreign service and is a career diplomat) are kind of estranged from me. When I flew back to Helsinki from Singapore in May 2025 hoping to reunite with my family, which is still my fervent wish, my son categorically told me in the presence of my partner that he did not want me there and insisted that I return to Singapore immediately. He seemed very angry and disgusted with me and told me he did not want me in the same house and insisted that I go to a hotel. My partner concurred with him more or less. I flew back to Singapore the next day! And then later my elder sister who I was very close to passed away on July 12. These waves of loneliness and isolation come as I am missing my partner and son very intensely and also my late elder sister. I just want to let you know about this and be totally open, vulnerable and sincere. This prolonged separation from my family in Helsinki is also causing sleepless nights for me. I am torn, dear May, as I wish to reunite with my son and partner in Finland but feel that they are not open to me returning back to them. I feel trapped as I do not want to remain in Singapore and my two older brothers are able to be care givers for my depressed sister. I hope what I have written in these preceding two paragraphs makes some sense to you. It seems like a period of adversity.
Over these recent days, intense feelings of loneliness, isolation and alienation have come in repeated waves. When these pangs or waves of loneliness and isolation arise, there are accompanying thoughts of "This is the end...I may never see or be with my family again...I may lose them and this is the end of my relationship with my son and partner, etc, etc."
There is a strong feeling/sensation of tightening and tension in the gut and solar plexus area...like a kind of trapped or stuck energy in the entire gut...a restless energy that wants to resist or escape this experience....wanting to be released. It seemingly lives or hides here...the "I".
With love and gratitude,
Amrit🙋♂️🙏🙂
It's so lovely to hear back from you. And I am filled with a deep gratitude for your ongoing heartfelt and sincere guidance.
Yes indeed, certainly, definitely, please lets keep looking together at thoughts, feelings and sensations in the body which are seemingly owned or claimed by this "I', the separate self or identity. This "I" is constantly and incessantly pre-occupied with claiming, owning and fixing itself...and is itself always resisting life. This "I" is resistance and suffering itself.
You wrote, "When the ground seems to vanish, that’s the perfect time to look. Because it shows directly that there was never truly a ground, only the habit of imagining one."
I hope you will allow me to put a few things in my personal life into context for you. I hope you will bear with me.
My eldest sister, who passed away in July 2025 and I, have been care givers to my other 65-year old sister who is clinically diagnosed with psychotic depression for these last 4 years here in Singapore. The overwhelming burden of taking care of a clinically depressed sister has taken a severe toll on not only myself but especially on my late elder sister and other siblings. This episode has caused a serious breakdown in our sibling relationships over the last 3 years and our relationships have now become destructive and dysfunctional especially after my eldest sister's recent demise. There are frequent heated disagreements and arguments that are mostly triggered by my sister's condition of psychotic depression. The smiles and joy have gone from our faces and to be very frank and honest, happiness has evaporated or is non-existant in our lives...and in my life, my dear May. My depressed sister is now living with me and my elder brother over here in Singapore.
At this time of writing, I am in Singapore and my partner and son are in Helsinki, Finland. My 23 year old son stopped talking to me more than a year ago and both he and my partner (she works in the foreign service and is a career diplomat) are kind of estranged from me. When I flew back to Helsinki from Singapore in May 2025 hoping to reunite with my family, which is still my fervent wish, my son categorically told me in the presence of my partner that he did not want me there and insisted that I return to Singapore immediately. He seemed very angry and disgusted with me and told me he did not want me in the same house and insisted that I go to a hotel. My partner concurred with him more or less. I flew back to Singapore the next day! And then later my elder sister who I was very close to passed away on July 12. These waves of loneliness and isolation come as I am missing my partner and son very intensely and also my late elder sister. I just want to let you know about this and be totally open, vulnerable and sincere. This prolonged separation from my family in Helsinki is also causing sleepless nights for me. I am torn, dear May, as I wish to reunite with my son and partner in Finland but feel that they are not open to me returning back to them. I feel trapped as I do not want to remain in Singapore and my two older brothers are able to be care givers for my depressed sister. I hope what I have written in these preceding two paragraphs makes some sense to you. It seems like a period of adversity.
Over these recent days, intense feelings of loneliness, isolation and alienation have come in repeated waves. When these pangs or waves of loneliness and isolation arise, there are accompanying thoughts of "This is the end...I may never see or be with my family again...I may lose them and this is the end of my relationship with my son and partner, etc, etc."
There is a strong feeling/sensation of tightening and tension in the gut and solar plexus area...like a kind of trapped or stuck energy in the entire gut...a restless energy that wants to resist or escape this experience....wanting to be released. It seemingly lives or hides here...the "I".
With love and gratitude,
Amrit🙋♂️🙏🙂
Re: No self
Hello Dear May,
I hope to hear from you as your heartfelt guidance is very much appreciated.🙏
I just wanted to share what is arising here in my last message to you.🙋♂️
With deep gratitude,
Amrit
I hope to hear from you as your heartfelt guidance is very much appreciated.🙏
I just wanted to share what is arising here in my last message to you.🙋♂️
With deep gratitude,
Amrit
Re: No self
Hi, my dear friend!
Thank you for your honesty. And thank you for not hiding.
This pain you’re in, it’s not a step backward. It’s not a failure. It’s not the return of the self. It’s exactly the exposure of what the self always was: a bundle of resistance, protection, and memory trying to hold things together.
You said it yourself:
“This ‘I’ is resistance and suffering itself.”
Right now, life is bringing you a chance few people ever get: not a clean, blissful realization, but a brutal, real one. When everything falls apart, the illusion that there’s something to hold onto is exposed.
The tightness in the chest, the gut clenching, the thoughts screaming “I’ve lost everything”, every movement is an attempt to rebuild the story of a separate self. The mind is trying to regain control, to recover ground, to make sense.
But there is no ground. There never was. And this isn’t a problem, it’s liberation.
None of it is outside the path. This is the path.
So I’m not going to ask you to change anything. Not even to “wake up.”
I’m just going to ask this:
In the middle of all this grief, heartbreak, and uncertainty, can you find a separate “you” anywhere?
Not in theory. Not from memory. Right now.
Go to the place in your body where the pain is strongest. That tight energy in the solar plexus. Don’t label it. Don’t think about it.
Just feel it.
Stay with it. Let it be exactly as it is. No story. No fixing.
And as you stay with it… ask yourself:
Does this sensation require a “me”?
Or is it just energy, just life, just sensation?
Let’s not turn this into philosophy. Stay simple. Immediate.
There is no problem to solve here. There is only something to see.
A small practice, if it feels right to try:
Sit quietly. No special posture needed. Just be somewhere you won’t be interrupted for a few minutes.
Bring attention to the center of the body, your chest, solar plexus, belly. Wherever the tension feels strongest. Don't try to change it. Just notice it.
Say quietly (or silently):
“This is allowed.”
“This sensation has permission to be exactly as it is.”
Repeat slowly, a few times.
Now ask, gently:
“Is this sensation personal?”
“Or is it just energy, happening on its own?”
Stay here. Not analyzing. Just feeling. Let the body speak without needing meaning.
No need for answers. Just the raw experience.
And if thoughts come in,let them pass. Bring attention back to the actual sensation, over and over, like returning to a fire to warm your hands.
And I’m here with you, no pressure, no rush. Just this moment
With deep care,
Thank you for your honesty. And thank you for not hiding.
This pain you’re in, it’s not a step backward. It’s not a failure. It’s not the return of the self. It’s exactly the exposure of what the self always was: a bundle of resistance, protection, and memory trying to hold things together.
You said it yourself:
“This ‘I’ is resistance and suffering itself.”
Right now, life is bringing you a chance few people ever get: not a clean, blissful realization, but a brutal, real one. When everything falls apart, the illusion that there’s something to hold onto is exposed.
The tightness in the chest, the gut clenching, the thoughts screaming “I’ve lost everything”, every movement is an attempt to rebuild the story of a separate self. The mind is trying to regain control, to recover ground, to make sense.
But there is no ground. There never was. And this isn’t a problem, it’s liberation.
None of it is outside the path. This is the path.
So I’m not going to ask you to change anything. Not even to “wake up.”
I’m just going to ask this:
In the middle of all this grief, heartbreak, and uncertainty, can you find a separate “you” anywhere?
Not in theory. Not from memory. Right now.
Go to the place in your body where the pain is strongest. That tight energy in the solar plexus. Don’t label it. Don’t think about it.
Just feel it.
Stay with it. Let it be exactly as it is. No story. No fixing.
And as you stay with it… ask yourself:
Does this sensation require a “me”?
Or is it just energy, just life, just sensation?
Let’s not turn this into philosophy. Stay simple. Immediate.
There is no problem to solve here. There is only something to see.
A small practice, if it feels right to try:
Sit quietly. No special posture needed. Just be somewhere you won’t be interrupted for a few minutes.
Bring attention to the center of the body, your chest, solar plexus, belly. Wherever the tension feels strongest. Don't try to change it. Just notice it.
Say quietly (or silently):
“This is allowed.”
“This sensation has permission to be exactly as it is.”
Repeat slowly, a few times.
Now ask, gently:
“Is this sensation personal?”
“Or is it just energy, happening on its own?”
Stay here. Not analyzing. Just feeling. Let the body speak without needing meaning.
No need for answers. Just the raw experience.
And if thoughts come in,let them pass. Bring attention back to the actual sensation, over and over, like returning to a fire to warm your hands.
And I’m here with you, no pressure, no rush. Just this moment
With deep care,
May.
"The moment I am aware that I am aware I am not aware. Awareness means the observer is not"
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
"The moment I am aware that I am aware I am not aware. Awareness means the observer is not"
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
Re: No self
My Dear Friend May,
Namaste Ji. Just to let you know that I am STILL reading your most recent message over and over again and putting your instructions into practice earnestly and diligently.
I cannot thank you enough for your continued clear, direct and insightful guidance. I feel every word, sentence and paragraph resonating so deeply and powerfully within my being...this openness. Thank you, my dear friend...and thank you again and again....just endless gratitude for your benevolent presence and compassion.🙏🌷💜
I will report back to you in earnest as my seeing becomes clearer and clearer...that there is no ground and nothing that can be held on to...a center or self called "I"...thought, image, feeling and sensation divested of "me" or "I".
With all my warmth and love,
Amrit🙋♂️👁
Namaste Ji. Just to let you know that I am STILL reading your most recent message over and over again and putting your instructions into practice earnestly and diligently.
I cannot thank you enough for your continued clear, direct and insightful guidance. I feel every word, sentence and paragraph resonating so deeply and powerfully within my being...this openness. Thank you, my dear friend...and thank you again and again....just endless gratitude for your benevolent presence and compassion.🙏🌷💜
I will report back to you in earnest as my seeing becomes clearer and clearer...that there is no ground and nothing that can be held on to...a center or self called "I"...thought, image, feeling and sensation divested of "me" or "I".
With all my warmth and love,
Amrit🙋♂️👁
Re: No self
Beloved Friend,
I read your words with deep stillness, not because of what they say, but because of what’s moving through them.
This openness you’re speaking of... it’s not a feeling, is it?
It’s not something coming from "you".
It’s what remains when the “you” isn't there to close against anything.
So now I ask you:
When the next wave comes, loneliness, grief, joy, longing... can anything be found that is having the experience?
Not what is being felt.
But who?
Look now. No delay.
Right in the middle of sensation, image, thought... is anyone there? Or is it all just movement, happening on its own?
Let it be raw.
Let the mind try to find ground.
And then, watch it fail.
You said it perfectly:
“Thought, image, feeling and sensation divested of ‘me’ or ‘I.’”
Don’t wait for it to become “clearer.” That is the trick. That’s the final disguise.
There’s no “clarity” coming.
There is only what is already fully obvious when nothing is trying to grasp it.
So don’t grasp. Don’t watch for “clear seeing.” See this—this moment, sensation, breath, flicker, burn—without owner.
And tell me:
Right now,
can a center be found anywhere?
I read your words with deep stillness, not because of what they say, but because of what’s moving through them.
This openness you’re speaking of... it’s not a feeling, is it?
It’s not something coming from "you".
It’s what remains when the “you” isn't there to close against anything.
So now I ask you:
When the next wave comes, loneliness, grief, joy, longing... can anything be found that is having the experience?
Not what is being felt.
But who?
Look now. No delay.
Right in the middle of sensation, image, thought... is anyone there? Or is it all just movement, happening on its own?
Let it be raw.
Let the mind try to find ground.
And then, watch it fail.
You said it perfectly:
“Thought, image, feeling and sensation divested of ‘me’ or ‘I.’”
Don’t wait for it to become “clearer.” That is the trick. That’s the final disguise.
There’s no “clarity” coming.
There is only what is already fully obvious when nothing is trying to grasp it.
So don’t grasp. Don’t watch for “clear seeing.” See this—this moment, sensation, breath, flicker, burn—without owner.
And tell me:
Right now,
can a center be found anywhere?
May.
"The moment I am aware that I am aware I am not aware. Awareness means the observer is not"
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
"The moment I am aware that I am aware I am not aware. Awareness means the observer is not"
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
Re: No self
Dear Amrit,
Just wanted to say hello and let you know I’m here. I hope you’re finding small moments of rest in the middle of everything that’s unfolding.
💜
Just wanted to say hello and let you know I’m here. I hope you’re finding small moments of rest in the middle of everything that’s unfolding.
💜
May.
"The moment I am aware that I am aware I am not aware. Awareness means the observer is not"
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
"The moment I am aware that I am aware I am not aware. Awareness means the observer is not"
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
Re: No self
Dear May,
Thank you for your two most recent messages.
This openness I am referring to is spacious. In which sensations, feelings and thoughts are happening, arising and subsiding.
More often than not all three (sensations, feelings and thoughts) are intense and overwhelming. It has been disorienting and confusing and even destablising if I am honest. I still get trapped in thoughts and memories....especially of happier times as a family with my son and partner.
I sense there is still resistance here to feeling and sensing fully or deeply. I find it hard to drop into my body because of thoughts/beliefs and the old ingrained habit of doing anything to get away from the most unpleasant and uncomfortable feelings and sensations.
My sense of identity still seems to be 'hiding' in these sensations, feelings and thoughts. Identity still holding on, still holding it all together, still finding solidity and ground.
You wrote:
"It’s not something coming from "you".
It’s what remains when the “you” isn't there to close against anything."
Beloved Friend, can you guide me out of my self imposed confusion...yet again?🙏🙏
Deep gratitude.
Amrit💜
Thank you for your two most recent messages.
This openness I am referring to is spacious. In which sensations, feelings and thoughts are happening, arising and subsiding.
More often than not all three (sensations, feelings and thoughts) are intense and overwhelming. It has been disorienting and confusing and even destablising if I am honest. I still get trapped in thoughts and memories....especially of happier times as a family with my son and partner.
I sense there is still resistance here to feeling and sensing fully or deeply. I find it hard to drop into my body because of thoughts/beliefs and the old ingrained habit of doing anything to get away from the most unpleasant and uncomfortable feelings and sensations.
My sense of identity still seems to be 'hiding' in these sensations, feelings and thoughts. Identity still holding on, still holding it all together, still finding solidity and ground.
You wrote:
"It’s not something coming from "you".
It’s what remains when the “you” isn't there to close against anything."
Beloved Friend, can you guide me out of my self imposed confusion...yet again?🙏🙏
Deep gratitude.
Amrit💜
Re: No self
Hi, my friend!
You say sensations, feelings, and thoughts are “intense, overwhelming, disorienting, destabilising.”
Good!
That means the illusion of control is crumbling.
You say you’re “trapped in thoughts and memories.”
Stop now. Don’t touch the word trapped - it’s just another thought.
Instead: In this very moment, what is actually happening?
Not the story about sensations. Not the meaning. Not the narrative of “happier times.”
Only what is sensed.
Let’s go directly into the fire. Now.
Close your eyes.
Feel into the center of the most intense or unpleasant sensation right now. Don’t explain it. Don’t name it. Drop all labels like “fear” or “grief” or “shame.”
Drop “my body.” Drop “my trauma.” Drop “me.”
Just go in.
And as you do this;
Can you find a you who is doing the feeling?
Is there a “someone” feeling the sensation?
Really look.
Or is there just sensation happening, untamed, raw, and unknowable?
Let it devour you.
Because what remains after the devouring is not you - it’s freedom.
Where is it hiding?
Don’t answer, look.
Can you find this "identity" as anything other than a thought about a self?
Let’s be ruthlessly precise:
Is there an identity outside of thoughts claiming “I”?
Where is the “self” holding it all together, when everything holding together is just a pattern of thoughts about holding together?
This is your moment to stop looking for a way out, my friend!
There isn’t one.
But there is a way through, and you’re already in it.
So.. Let yourself be annihilated. Let yourself not know what’s happening. Let everything fall apart.
And watch what remains when there is no “you” left to resist.
Don’t try to be free.
See that you’ve never been imprisoned - only dreaming.
You say sensations, feelings, and thoughts are “intense, overwhelming, disorienting, destabilising.”
Good!
That means the illusion of control is crumbling.
You say you’re “trapped in thoughts and memories.”
Stop now. Don’t touch the word trapped - it’s just another thought.
Instead: In this very moment, what is actually happening?
Not the story about sensations. Not the meaning. Not the narrative of “happier times.”
Only what is sensed.
Let’s go directly into the fire. Now.
Close your eyes.
Feel into the center of the most intense or unpleasant sensation right now. Don’t explain it. Don’t name it. Drop all labels like “fear” or “grief” or “shame.”
Drop “my body.” Drop “my trauma.” Drop “me.”
Just go in.
And as you do this;
Can you find a you who is doing the feeling?
Is there a “someone” feeling the sensation?
Really look.
Or is there just sensation happening, untamed, raw, and unknowable?
Let it devour you.
Because what remains after the devouring is not you - it’s freedom.
So look again.“My sense of identity still seems to be hiding…”
Where is it hiding?
Don’t answer, look.
Can you find this "identity" as anything other than a thought about a self?
Let’s be ruthlessly precise:
Is there an identity outside of thoughts claiming “I”?
Where is the “self” holding it all together, when everything holding together is just a pattern of thoughts about holding together?
This is your moment to stop looking for a way out, my friend!
There isn’t one.
But there is a way through, and you’re already in it.
So.. Let yourself be annihilated. Let yourself not know what’s happening. Let everything fall apart.
And watch what remains when there is no “you” left to resist.
Don’t try to be free.
See that you’ve never been imprisoned - only dreaming.
May.
"The moment I am aware that I am aware I am not aware. Awareness means the observer is not"
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
"The moment I am aware that I am aware I am not aware. Awareness means the observer is not"
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
Re: No self
Hello Dear May,
It has been a tumultuous and difficult/challenging week taking care of my depressed sister and all the continuing heated disagreements with my two older brothers apportioning blame and accusations of abuse towards me....that I am abusing my depressed sister. I feel I am being subjected to almost constant fury and vitriol that is being directed at me as we are all literally struggling with my sister's chronic condition and have been for more than 4 years. There is hardly a moment's peace at home. It is hard for me to even express the intensity of pain and suffering that I am going through.....that we are all going through. I have got nothing left to hide anymore....it's like I am being stripped bare of everything....like I am being crucified.....and I am crying out for dear life....like being dragged shouting and screaming into the unknown. It seems like all of my relationships with my siblings in Singapore and my son and partner in Finland are broken and dysfunctional.
But the strange or funny thing that I am noticing or seeing is that what I am currently experiencing and have written about in the first paragraph above is on the level of thought or story/narrative, or meaning which is derived from or given by thought/concept! A story/narrative and meaning that is constructed out of a bundle of thoughts! I am not at all denying what's happening in 'my' daily life but it is happening to a separate 'me' identity that is nothing more than a thought-feeling construct. I see it's happening to a seeming person or character in a dream. So the character or 'me' I described in the first paragraph who is in pain or suffering intensely is a fiction of my mind or imagination created out of identification with the continuous, incessant and compulsive stream of thinking or mentation.
Let's go directly into the fire. Now. (I have been struggling with these questions all week...)
Can you find a you who is doing the feeling?
You asked me to 'Really Look". How do I really look? I am not sure if I am really looking May. I think I get confused or distracted here. What I do notice or perceive is feeling...it can be very intense. I look and feel the intense feeling...it's there but I am not quite sure what to do here.....please guide me May.
Is there a “someone” feeling the sensation?
There is sensation....I have to admit the question causes confusion. I am looking....sensation is there....i am able to perceive sensation. The "someone" does not seem to be in the perception or looking but there is sensation. I am still not sure.....
Looking at thought appears to be easier than looking at feeling or sensation in the body.
Can you assist me with LOOKING...what am I missing?
I want to go directly into the fire....and NOW.
I thank you deeply for your guidance and clarity.
With warmth,
Amrit
It has been a tumultuous and difficult/challenging week taking care of my depressed sister and all the continuing heated disagreements with my two older brothers apportioning blame and accusations of abuse towards me....that I am abusing my depressed sister. I feel I am being subjected to almost constant fury and vitriol that is being directed at me as we are all literally struggling with my sister's chronic condition and have been for more than 4 years. There is hardly a moment's peace at home. It is hard for me to even express the intensity of pain and suffering that I am going through.....that we are all going through. I have got nothing left to hide anymore....it's like I am being stripped bare of everything....like I am being crucified.....and I am crying out for dear life....like being dragged shouting and screaming into the unknown. It seems like all of my relationships with my siblings in Singapore and my son and partner in Finland are broken and dysfunctional.
But the strange or funny thing that I am noticing or seeing is that what I am currently experiencing and have written about in the first paragraph above is on the level of thought or story/narrative, or meaning which is derived from or given by thought/concept! A story/narrative and meaning that is constructed out of a bundle of thoughts! I am not at all denying what's happening in 'my' daily life but it is happening to a separate 'me' identity that is nothing more than a thought-feeling construct. I see it's happening to a seeming person or character in a dream. So the character or 'me' I described in the first paragraph who is in pain or suffering intensely is a fiction of my mind or imagination created out of identification with the continuous, incessant and compulsive stream of thinking or mentation.
Let's go directly into the fire. Now. (I have been struggling with these questions all week...)
Can you find a you who is doing the feeling?
You asked me to 'Really Look". How do I really look? I am not sure if I am really looking May. I think I get confused or distracted here. What I do notice or perceive is feeling...it can be very intense. I look and feel the intense feeling...it's there but I am not quite sure what to do here.....please guide me May.
Is there a “someone” feeling the sensation?
There is sensation....I have to admit the question causes confusion. I am looking....sensation is there....i am able to perceive sensation. The "someone" does not seem to be in the perception or looking but there is sensation. I am still not sure.....
Looking at thought appears to be easier than looking at feeling or sensation in the body.
Can you assist me with LOOKING...what am I missing?
I want to go directly into the fire....and NOW.
I thank you deeply for your guidance and clarity.
With warmth,
Amrit
Re: No self
Hi May,
I hope my message finds you well.
Further to my message of yesterday, the self is a story or narrative or interpretation that is mentally added onto the flow or movement of life, just this, what is - a situation or circumstance or event.
Let's go directly into the fire. Now.
Can you find a you who is doing the feeling? You said to 'Really Look".
There is no me doing the feeling but feeling can appear or arise. The me is seen as inseparable from resistance and suffering when there is identification with thoughts or deeply held beliefs.
Is there a “someone” feeling the sensation?
There isn't a someone, a me, feeling the sensation. A someone 'appears' or is only there to resist the sensation - it is resistance itself and therefore suffering, a layer of deeply held beliefs as protection - by saying "I dont want to feel this.....this sensation is unpleasant or uncomfortable or unbearable.....it's going to kill me.....it'll be the end of me....I want to get out of here...distract myself.....I cant take this anymore, etc, etc, etc. It will do everything to resist the sensation in order to escape via coping mechanisms.
Or is there just sensation happening, untamed, raw, and unknowable?
Sensation is there, it happens like a noise or breeze happens....it feels alive, raw, it is not unpleasant but neutral, calm, unknowable by story or narrative or by interpretation through thought and belief.
"My sense of identity still seems to be hiding"
Where is it hiding?
Don’t answer, look.
Can you find this "identity" as anything other than a thought about a self?
Looking is primary, fundamental, prior, eternal, never changing, and therefore never moving, still, at source, infinite. This identity or separate center cannot be located as anything other than a thought or story or narrative or a bundle of deeply held beliefs about a self....and this self is resistance and suffering itself!
Is there an identity outside of thoughts claiming “I”?
No. Identity is always lodged in thoughts claiming "I". Thoughts/beliefs invested with a sense of self, a "I" or "me" give rise to identity.
Where is the “self” holding it all together, when everything holding together is just a pattern of thoughts about holding together?
This self holding it all together cannot be located or found as anything other than a bundle of resistance, protection and memory/deeply embedded beliefs trying "desperately" to hold everything together - the story of me "Amrit" and my life.
As you said May, "when everything holding together is just a pattern of thoughts about holding together."
And as you have instructed, "So.. Let yourself be annihilated. Let yourself not know what’s happening. Let everything fall apart.
And watch what remains when there is no “you” left to resist.
Don’t try to be free.
See that you’ve never been imprisoned - only dreaming."
I look forward to hearing back from you, my Beloved Friend.
With love and gratitude,
Amrit
I hope my message finds you well.
Further to my message of yesterday, the self is a story or narrative or interpretation that is mentally added onto the flow or movement of life, just this, what is - a situation or circumstance or event.
Let's go directly into the fire. Now.
Can you find a you who is doing the feeling? You said to 'Really Look".
There is no me doing the feeling but feeling can appear or arise. The me is seen as inseparable from resistance and suffering when there is identification with thoughts or deeply held beliefs.
Is there a “someone” feeling the sensation?
There isn't a someone, a me, feeling the sensation. A someone 'appears' or is only there to resist the sensation - it is resistance itself and therefore suffering, a layer of deeply held beliefs as protection - by saying "I dont want to feel this.....this sensation is unpleasant or uncomfortable or unbearable.....it's going to kill me.....it'll be the end of me....I want to get out of here...distract myself.....I cant take this anymore, etc, etc, etc. It will do everything to resist the sensation in order to escape via coping mechanisms.
Or is there just sensation happening, untamed, raw, and unknowable?
Sensation is there, it happens like a noise or breeze happens....it feels alive, raw, it is not unpleasant but neutral, calm, unknowable by story or narrative or by interpretation through thought and belief.
"My sense of identity still seems to be hiding"
Where is it hiding?
Don’t answer, look.
Can you find this "identity" as anything other than a thought about a self?
Looking is primary, fundamental, prior, eternal, never changing, and therefore never moving, still, at source, infinite. This identity or separate center cannot be located as anything other than a thought or story or narrative or a bundle of deeply held beliefs about a self....and this self is resistance and suffering itself!
Is there an identity outside of thoughts claiming “I”?
No. Identity is always lodged in thoughts claiming "I". Thoughts/beliefs invested with a sense of self, a "I" or "me" give rise to identity.
Where is the “self” holding it all together, when everything holding together is just a pattern of thoughts about holding together?
This self holding it all together cannot be located or found as anything other than a bundle of resistance, protection and memory/deeply embedded beliefs trying "desperately" to hold everything together - the story of me "Amrit" and my life.
As you said May, "when everything holding together is just a pattern of thoughts about holding together."
And as you have instructed, "So.. Let yourself be annihilated. Let yourself not know what’s happening. Let everything fall apart.
And watch what remains when there is no “you” left to resist.
Don’t try to be free.
See that you’ve never been imprisoned - only dreaming."
I look forward to hearing back from you, my Beloved Friend.
With love and gratitude,
Amrit
Re: No self
Dear May,
Just to let you know how much I appreciate your presence and light for all these months that you've been guiding me.
I hope to hear back from you, my Dear Friend.
Amrit💜
Just to let you know how much I appreciate your presence and light for all these months that you've been guiding me.
I hope to hear back from you, my Dear Friend.
Amrit💜
Re: No self
Beloved Amrit, how are you RIGHT NOW?
My friend;
You’re not missing understanding - you’re missing contact.
You’re still staying above the sensation, describing it, analysing it, interpreting it, turning it into insight.
I’m going to strip this down completely and make this extremely simple now:
Stop looking for HOW to look.
Stop trying to get it right.
Stop trying to follow my instructions correctly.
Stop trying to perform the investigation.
Right now:
Where is the sensation in your body that feels most intolerable?
Don’t describe it.
Don’t explain it.
Don’t label it.
DON’T tell me what you think about it.
Just place your attention inside it.
Not as an observer.
Not as someone doing it.
Let the body feel itself.
Now:
As you feel that raw sensation - is there ANY boundary between “you” and the sensation?
Don’t think.
Don’t answer from memory.
Stay in the sensation and answer FROM it.
Now look here:
Is there a distance between the sensation and awareness?
Do not explain.
Feel!!!
Now:
Can you find the one who is “going into the fire”?
Look from the middle of the sensation, not from the mind.
If the mind tries to come in with answers, drop back into the body immediately.
You said
Then stop standing outside narrating the flames.
Step into the burning point.
Let the sensation consume the one who is asking how.
I don’t want descriptions anymore.
I want the report from INSIDE the sensation.
What happens when you stop interpreting and you just let the sensation take you completely?
That’s where the sense of self dissolves. Not through understanding, but through contact.
I’m right here.
Go in now and tell me exactly what happens.
My friend;
You’re not missing understanding - you’re missing contact.
You’re still staying above the sensation, describing it, analysing it, interpreting it, turning it into insight.
I’m going to strip this down completely and make this extremely simple now:
Stop looking for HOW to look.
Stop trying to get it right.
Stop trying to follow my instructions correctly.
Stop trying to perform the investigation.
Right now:
Where is the sensation in your body that feels most intolerable?
Don’t describe it.
Don’t explain it.
Don’t label it.
DON’T tell me what you think about it.
Just place your attention inside it.
Not as an observer.
Not as someone doing it.
Let the body feel itself.
Now:
As you feel that raw sensation - is there ANY boundary between “you” and the sensation?
Don’t think.
Don’t answer from memory.
Stay in the sensation and answer FROM it.
Now look here:
Is there a distance between the sensation and awareness?
Do not explain.
Feel!!!
Now:
Can you find the one who is “going into the fire”?
Look from the middle of the sensation, not from the mind.
If the mind tries to come in with answers, drop back into the body immediately.
You said
Good.“I want to go directly into the fire.”
Then stop standing outside narrating the flames.
Step into the burning point.
Let the sensation consume the one who is asking how.
I don’t want descriptions anymore.
I want the report from INSIDE the sensation.
What happens when you stop interpreting and you just let the sensation take you completely?
That’s where the sense of self dissolves. Not through understanding, but through contact.
I’m right here.
Go in now and tell me exactly what happens.
May.
"The moment I am aware that I am aware I am not aware. Awareness means the observer is not"
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
"The moment I am aware that I am aware I am not aware. Awareness means the observer is not"
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
Re: No self
My Dear Beloved May, I am thankful and grateful to you for making it simple and clear for me...that I am actually missing contact with sensation.
Yes, I want to burn in the fire and let the sensation take and devour me completely.
Where is the sensation in your body that feels most intolerable?
More often than not, it is in my gut and/or belly area.
As you feel that raw sensation - is there ANY boundary between “you” and the sensation?
Answer: As I FEEL the raw sensation, there is no boundary between "me" and the sensation. There is only sensation.
Is there a distance between the sensation and awareness?
Answer: There is no distance between the sensation and awareness.
Can you find the one who is “going into the fire”?
Answer: No, there isn't anyone - a me or I - who is "going into the fire."
What happens when you stop interpreting and you just let the sensation take you completely?
Answer: Yes, the separate self dissolves and only awareness is. There seems to be no distance or difference between sensation and awareness right now as far as I can tell.
I am right here too, dear May...making intimate contact with whatever sensation is appearing over this entire weekend.
I hope to hear back from you.
Amrit💜🙋♂️🙏
Yes, I want to burn in the fire and let the sensation take and devour me completely.
Where is the sensation in your body that feels most intolerable?
More often than not, it is in my gut and/or belly area.
As you feel that raw sensation - is there ANY boundary between “you” and the sensation?
Answer: As I FEEL the raw sensation, there is no boundary between "me" and the sensation. There is only sensation.
Is there a distance between the sensation and awareness?
Answer: There is no distance between the sensation and awareness.
Can you find the one who is “going into the fire”?
Answer: No, there isn't anyone - a me or I - who is "going into the fire."
What happens when you stop interpreting and you just let the sensation take you completely?
Answer: Yes, the separate self dissolves and only awareness is. There seems to be no distance or difference between sensation and awareness right now as far as I can tell.
I am right here too, dear May...making intimate contact with whatever sensation is appearing over this entire weekend.
I hope to hear back from you.
Amrit💜🙋♂️🙏
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