Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

[Selie]

Great, thanks Barb. I’ll be in touch soon. 🙏🏼

[Selie]

Hi Barb, I’m back again. It has been quiet chaotic in my head lately but trying to take it easy 😉, I let the chaos to come in some sort of order in its own time. Things have settled a bit and I have picked up the final questions again (only to fall at the first hurdle 😋)

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

I don’t believe that the sense of a self as a separate entity is real, no. It cannot be. At the same time, am I as sure of the separate self not existing as I am sure of Santa not existing?
Well, I don’t leave a stocking by the Christmas tree anymore expecting Santa will put presents in it but I do still get caught up in the manifestations of something that looks like a separate self. So if I still get caught up in the mirage of it, doesn’t it mean that part of me still believes in it? (Even though through the process of ‘looking’ I have seen that it cannot be real...). Have I just replaced a belief by another belief/ a concept by another concept?

As always, I send you deep gratitude for your guidance 🙏🏼

[barb]

Hi Selie!

Fine to her from you :)

Well, I don’t leave a stocking by the Christmas tree anymore expecting Santa will put presents in it but I do still get caught up in the manifestations of something that looks like a separate self. So if I still get caught up in the mirage of it, doesn’t it mean that part of me still believes in it? (Even though through the process of ‘looking’ I have seen that it cannot be real...). Have I just replaced a belief by another belief/ a concept by another concept?

Where does all the thoughts which bubbles up in „your“ mind originate? If you were grewn up in a aboriginal community, would your thoughts not be complete different?
The sense of self will always be here, and many things which you are identified whith an „I“ will feel the same. It's really all about the clear SEEING that there is no „I“ to be found there.

Please put a pen in front of you on the table. Look at it. Then put it away, somewhere where you cannot see it. Then look again at the place on the table where the pen was before.
Can you see/experience the absence of a pen?
Can you experience the absence of something?
Can you experience something which does not exist?

The mind will always try to understand this, but no way :) That's why we make all these exercises to proof the mind, that there is no „I“. No possibility to think the way out! It's all about DE.

If there is no thought about an „I“, is there an „I“?
Watch the breath. Is there a breather, or only breathing happening.
Watch the process of walking. Does there have to be someone who makes the steps, or does it just happen on its own?
Is there someone who makes „seeing“? With eyes open can you stop seeing? Or does seeing simply happen?
What about thinking?


We can believe everything, that is constantly changing. But what can we really know? In fact, we do not even know if what we experience with the senses is real. It could be all a dream, for example. The only thing we really know is that being is. Fin. And the sensory perception is there next. Everything that is not DE, is already fairytale world .. :) It's not about knowledge, but about seeing of not knowing. To see clearly that IT is the way it is, no matter what we believe. Until believing becomes completely uninteresting ...

Take your time again for exploration and play with it like a child :)

[Selie]

Where does all the thoughts which bubbles up in „your“ mind originate? If you were grewn up in a aboriginal community, would your thoughts not be complete different?

Thoughts are manifestations of ‘being’ and their contents take their source in the conditioning I received and memories of events I have experienced. So the contents of my thoughts would be very different if I grew up anywhere else but where I did.

Please put a pen in front of you on the table. Look at it. Then put it away, somewhere where you cannot see it. Then look again at the place on the table where the pen was before.
Can you see/experience the absence of a pen?
Can you experience the absence of something?
Can you experience something which does not exist?

I can identify the content of a thought-memory of the pen but no in DE I cannot experience the absence of it. It is, and then it is not. As straight forward as that. I must say i did have to play quite a bit with this exercise until the difference between reality and imagination became obvious. But yeah I see it now 😊 and it is fun to practice throughout the day with the noticing one and then the other, over and over.

If there is no thought about an „I“, is there an „I“?
Watch the breath. Is there a breather, or only breathing happening.
Watch the process of walking. Does there have to be someone who makes the steps, or does it just happen on its own?
Is there someone who makes „seeing“? With eyes open can you stop seeing? Or does seeing simply happen?
What about thinking?

No, definitely no ‘I’ before thought arises. No one is breathing, seeing, thinking or walking, these things just happen. No choice to do anything is being made by anyone. It is really just happening, life unfolding.

It's not about knowledge, but about seeing of not knowing. To see clearly that IT is the way it is, no matter what we believe. Until believing becomes completely uninteresting ...

Ok, I’m with you, this has been very helpful 🙏🏼. After letting this sink in for the last few days, I woke up this morning with a: ‘oh my gosh, life really doesn’t need ‘me’ to happen. Wow.’ Then later in the morning I got annoyed by something and the sensation of annoyance which usually makes me go all tight inside (making the ‘i’ mirage seem very real indeed), lasted for a minute and then something relaxed in me and the thought: ‘Hey. There is actually no need for an ‘i’ for annoyance or upset to come up!’ arose. Cool stuff!

So 2 things have sunk in more deeply since reading your last post: clearly experiencing the difference between real and imaginary, and clearly seeing that there is no need for an ‘i’ for life/emotions to happen. 😃🙏🏼

[barb]

Very beautiful!

clearly experiencing the difference between real and imaginary, and clearly seeing that there is no need for an ‘i’ for life/emotions to happen.

Is there only no need for an "i", or is there simply no "i"?


I have a beautiful exercise for you to explore the body:

Sit or lie down for about 10 -15 minutes with eyes closed, breath soft and slow and relax.
Pay attention only to the pure sensations without relying on thoughts or mental images.

Can you tell how big the body is?
Does the body have a weight or circumference?

Does your body have a shape or form in the current experience?
Is there a border between the body and the clothes?
Is there a border between the body and the surface?

Do you know how many toes are there?
Does the body have a name?

Is there an inside or outside? If there is an inside - inside of what?
If there is an outside, the outside of what exactly?

What does the word / term 'body' actually refer to?
Is there something missing when the body is experienced in this way?

Can you find an "I" in experiencing the body?

_()_

[Selie]

Hi Barb, hope you are well.

clearly experiencing the difference between real and imaginary, and clearly seeing that there is no need for an ‘i’ for life/emotions to happen.
Is there only no need for an "i", or is there simply no "i"?

At the time this occurred to me, it felt like a shift from my default programming ‘this is MY life’ (life can only be by virtue of being MINE) to ‘life simply is’. It was a bit of a shock to realise that life didn’t need an ‘i’ to be. But now it is clear that there is just no ‘i’ and there never was in first place...

Can you tell how big the body is?
Does the body have a weight or circumference?

Does your body have a shape or form in the current experience?
Is there a border between the body and the clothes?
Is there a border between the body and the surface?

From the moment I closed my eyes and looked for the body for the first time, it is like it instantly dissolved into thin air. There was breathing and a pulse but nothing else. It felt nearly magical, like a floating sensation at first then nothing. It was wonderful not to feel that usual heaviness of body and mind (the words ‘ether’ and ‘bliss’ came to mind)

Do know how many toes are there?
Does the body have a name?

Is there an inside or outside? If there is an inside - inside of what?
If there is an outside, the outside of what exactly?

No there is really nothing when I look now, just heartbeat, breath, surrounding sounds.

What does the word / term 'body' actually refer to?
Is there something missing when the body is experienced in this way?

It definitely does not feel like it’s missing - it is just not there. It feels a bit like a magic trick: there this body used to be (in my experience), there it isn’t anymore (in my experience).

Can you find an "I" in experiencing the body?

No I can only find ‘isness’, no solid entity ‘i’.

[barb]

At the time this occurred to me, it felt like a shift from my default programming ‘this is MY life’ (life can only be by virtue of being MINE) to ‘life simply is’. It was a bit of a shock to realise that life didn’t need an ‘i’ to be. But now it is clear that there is just no ‘i’ and there never was in first place...

Was there really a default programm called „this is MY life“ running before the exercise? Or where there only some sensations and thoughts which did interpret them after the experience?

From the moment I closed my eyes and looked for the body for the first time, it is like it instantly dissolved into thin air. There was breathing and a pulse but nothing else. It felt nearly magical, like a floating sensation at first then nothing. It was wonderful not to feel that usual heaviness of body and mind (the words ‘ether’ and ‘bliss’ came to mind)

Do this as often it comes in mind during the day, and when it is only for 1 or 2 minutes. The repeatedly looking is the key :) We are so habitual with our conditioning and programming since many, many years.. We have really constant and often to look to make the knowing, that there is life flowing without separation, to the new normal...

It definitely does not feel like it’s missing - it is just not there. It feels a bit like a magic trick: there this body used to be (in my experience), there it isn’t anymore (in my experience).

Is it necesarry that an experience is called „my“ experience? Is it not enough that there is experience which is self-aware?

No I can only find ‘isness’, no solid entity ‘i’

Can you find a liquid, gaseous or ethereal entity?
Can you find an entity at all?

:) _()_

[Selie]

Hi again,

Was there really a default programm called „this is MY life“ running before the exercise? Or where there only some sensations and thoughts which did interpret them after the experience?

There was a belief that there was a ‘me’ that owned that life yes.

Is it necesarry that an experience is called „my“ experience? Is it not enough that there is experience which is self-aware?

Yes I meant ‘in experience’ but I guess using ‘my’ is a force of habit.

Can you find a liquid, gaseous or ethereal entity?
Can you find an entity at all?

Nothing liquid, gaseous or ethereal and no, no entity at all. Just existence.

[barb]

There was a belief that there was a ‘me’ that owned that life yes.

Is „belief“ more than thoughts? Is this belief still there?

How are you dear Selie? How is your daily life? Do you have any questions or issues which you want to have a look on with me? Are you still searching?


By the way, did you do the exercise with the fruit? If not, please get it.. It is such a beautiful way to see the nature of thought in direct experience... Here it is once more :)

Sit at home with eyes closed. In your mind, imagine going to the kitchen and getting a piece of fruit (be sure to choose something you already have in stock, as we will need if after). 

Try to fully imagine actually going there, picking it up, the look of it, the colour, texture, smell, reflections of light. Then imagine biting into the fruit, tasting it, the texture, sweetness, sharpness, all the qualities. Imagine every aspect, make it as real as possible, and write the descriptions down..

Now open your eyes, and actually go to the kitchen. Take the piece of fruit out for real, and look at it, examine the colour, texture, smell, reflections of light. Now actually bite into the fruit and taste it, experience the texture, the sweetness, sharpness, etc.


Now look at your written words and imagine how you would describe the current experience. 

Now ask yourself: 

Do the descriptions have anything in common with the reality of actual experience? 
Can a word, such as sweet or juicy, know anything about the reality of actual experience? 
Can a thought ever know anything about experience in general? 

Has a thought/word/imagination anything to do with direct experience? Can a thought anything know about truth/reality?

:)

[Selie]

Hi Barb, thank you for your time in PM and for the space of a few months I needed to process it all. I have been redoing some of the exercises in the last couple of weeks and I believe I am ready to answer the final questions:

1- is there a separate entity ‘self’, ‘me’, ‘i’, at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

No and there could never have been.

2- explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

The illusion of a separate self is like bindweed in a garden. It invades the garden, takes over and chokes many aspects of it. It looks pretty good so it is easy to miss that it is a weed and does not belong in the garden - that it is an impostor. It is very convincing and makes it look like the garden cannot ‘be’ with it - that IT is the garden - and that without it, there is no garden. It thinks itself in charge and in control of the garden and that without it, the whole garden would collapse.

3- how does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

A sense of soft freedom, like something has loosened up (like choking bindweed that has been cut off from around a tree). Everyday experience is sharper, more vivid (as opposed to the dull experience of being from imagination’s point of view). The fruit experience was very revealing of this (the 2nd time round). I always felt ‘out of synch’ with life before and now everything is where it needs to be - just in the experience of each moment arising.

4- what was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

It has been a long journey that started because this separate ‘I’ thing just did not feel right and now i know why. Time to rest.

5- Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

Since i was a child I always had a feeling that this whole ‘i am in control of my own life, i make my choices etc.’ was just not right. Finally, through this process I was able to see exactly what i had suspected all these years: there is no one responsible, no one choosing anything. Life happens as it needs to, in one big movement. No doer, no chooser, no one responsible.
This confirmation was the first big relief. It has been so exciting to just stop and experience ‘whatever is coming up next’. I have even use the approach with my son when he gets stroppy because he ‘is so boooored’ ;-/. I now say to him: ‘great, that means it’s time to stop and look what is going to arise next.’ And so we wait for the next thing to present itself in the moment.

6- anything to add?

A few years ago, a Zen monk suggested I use this question in meditation:
- ‘what does it mean to experience in a way that does not result in separation?’
I knew it was important at the time but i did not get it. Now i do.

And the next step for the mum in me is now to ask: ‘what does it mean to raise a child in a way that does not result in separation?’

🙏🏼

[barb]

Thank you Selie :)


Some other guides will read the answers to see if there are any more questions. This may take a while...

Much love <3

[Selie]

🙏🏼

[barb]

Welcome on the other side of the gateless gate dear Selie! As always you can stay in touch on the PM channel... :)

❤️