Hello Michael,
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
There is no seperate self in direct experience. There are thoughts about a self, however, that imply there being a thinker of thoughts, and an author of actions, but they are just thoughts arising in the momentariness of things being known/noticed.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
Sometimes there is a thought, and then the subsequent thought about that thought, trying to figure out retrospectively if it was selfless. This thinking about a thought creates a thinker, who is now trying to find selflesness. Delusion. The recognition must be of the contemporary arising thought to be recognized as selfless. Therefore, tuning into the first noticings is essential. Thinker, seer and feeler are all illusions.
The self is created through thought. "I am looking." "I am noticing selflesness." "There is no self in direct experience." "This posture is comfortable (for me)."
Just being with the senses, noticing thoughts label experience, and the self to which they refer.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
There is sometimes a clear (other times not so clear) understanding that all the content present is selfless.
The only moments in which it is really liberating is when it is noticed in all aspects of the present moment experience. This has only been recognized to have happened once, but the understanding remains. The "giving in," is still a little mysterious.
The recognizing capacity does vary. Being lost in thought about the experience is frequent, and the identification in those moments of being lost is just as strong as it used to be before seeing no self. There are times when it isn't noticed for 1-2 days. Strong emotions and stress confuse things.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
In a moment of being grounded and relaxed there was still some selfing taking place, and the interest in it being present trumped the identification. The thought "If everything is happening on automatic, then just let it do what it does," which was also seen as empty of self in that moment. Every subsequent arising thought was noticed without any identification. Effortlessly.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Decisions and intentions are not an illusion. It is the me-ing of that decision or intention which is the illusion. There is no one making the decision or intention, just a thought about someone making a decision or intention. And that someone is just a belief structure, not relality.
There is no free will because there is no doer or thinker. Everything happens on automatic. It might seem like one has free will, but that can be cut through.
"I am gonna sit down and answer this. Who is? That was a thought. That too. I am getting really good at noticing thoughts." Even though there are thoughts about a self, there is no self. Everything does what it is. The mind makes thoughts who refer to a self, that's just what the mind does. There is no responsibility, because no one is responsible. The water is not responsible for mirroring the birds, that's just what it does. Does, is - no subject.
Vilhelm
