Yes you are right I do have an expectation, that the realisation would end my suffering. This would be the shift. Yet I know that that is not the point of what we are doing.
Long term, sure, the end of suffering is quite possible (at least the kind we needlessly generate for ourselves), and yes, this enquiry could be the start of that journey, so it is really the point of what we are doing.
However, that is almost certainly not going to happen in one shift - seeing through the illusion of self is really the beginning of the process, not the end.
It might be useful at some point to look at what are more realistic expectations, but for now, it may be enough just to acknowledge what expectations you have had, and to carry on without getting snagged up with them.
When I am looking at my direct experience quite often there is a blankness, a nothingness in my head. So this is the 'stuckness'.
OK, so that's the experience - in the context of what we are doing in this enquiry, it is absolutely fine, because there is no 'right' or 'wrong' experience. If it crops up again, even blankness can be noted and investigated.
Stepping back a bit and looking at the progress of our dialogue so far, I feel at this point that you are pretty clear about what constitutes direct experience, and you've had several different experiences where you have discovered no 'I' where you used to assume that there was.
I get the impression that, on a certain level, you know that you won't find 'I' anywhere in direct experience, but that this has not made much difference to the kinds of thoughts and feelings that arise during day-to-day life.
Is that a fair summary of where we are up to?
Assuming so, I think you are in a position to do some 'self guiding', where you take some heavily 'I' laden thought that has just arisen, and which seems credible at the time, and enquire into it yourself.
I think the stuckness is a feeling and a thought that I am not doing it right or I can't do it.
With a thought like this you can ask:
- what is the 'I' that is not doing it right?
- where is the 'I' that cannot do it?
In other words, when you look at the direct experience that the thought seems to refer to does the thought actually correspond to direct experience
Can you investigate one or more 'I' thoughts that crop up during your day in this way and report back?