I still believe in Santa Claus

[Thailand]

I'm having that experience that I've learned to call grace. Where there's something that's been read about/videos watched/teachers listened to/thought about/etc... ad nauseam. Something that has been studied for years and I've thought, "I get it, I get it. So what?"

I've understood that the self never existed. It's caused me some confusion and fear, but I've more or less understood it as a concept. But I feel like at this moment it's finally JUST BEGINNING to make the journey from my head to my heart, so to speak. The perspective has shifted. It's so obvious.

THERE NEVER HAS BEEN AN INDIVIDUAL, SEPARATE SELF, SO THERE'S NOTHING FOR EXPERIENCES/THOUGHTS/SENSATIONS AND ALL THE REST, TO BELONG TO OR CLING TO.

There's nothing to have ownership of "IT," whatever IT is. Wow. Is this the real meaning of non-duality? If there is no separate self to be in relationship with IT, then how could there be two? There is only the thing itself that seems to appear.

There's the metaphor of the "self" as a hall of mirrors, the movie screen and movie, the actor forgetting he's playing a role, and lots of others. I've always known they're just metaphors, pointers, visualizations of concepts, and not to take them literally. But a "self" has been inserted into them over and over.

The hall of mirrors for example. One "mirror" of a thought/belief/memory/whatever, reflecting other "mirrors" infinitely. In fact, every mirror has no real separate existence. They're all just temporary spontaneous arisings that can sometimes seem quite solid or permanent. But Pete as a separate self has been inserted into this hall of mirrors in different ways. As a separate entity wandering through it or as a sort of self-aware mirror reflecting the other mirrors. In actuality, it's all just things arising and taking on temporary appearances spontaneously. There is no self in there to experience it and the mirrors themselves are just "smoke and mirrors." Ha.

Am I on to something here, Elad?

[Elad]

Beautiful Pete, that's it!

How do you feel about answering a set of questions that aim to check for the clarity of the insight you describe clearly here?

The answers might give rise to more clarification work between us, or, if the answers seem clear to me, 3 other guides will review as well. If they have questions, we will look into them. If they don't have any questions, we will conclude the inquiry here, and you will get an invite to join the LU Facebook group and some other information, opportunities and resources (because this is just one important step, discovery and clarification continues...). We can proceed with this if you feel ready. Are there any questions coming up? There is no rush.

[Thailand]

Thank you, Elad! I really want you to know how much I appreciate you helping me get to this realization. With your selfless service you've helped me to see in a few weeks what years of seeking couldn't. It's just a matter of asking the right questions. Thank you!!

Wow. This is a strange place to be. There's no fireworks going off, just a profound shift and a feeling of one door closing, another door opening, so to speak. A falling away of something unneeded.

I can see now why you were asking me essentially the same question over and over.

There are questions about what do I do now? but as you said there's more info coming. Yes, please send me the clarity questions.

[Elad]

Awesome, beautiful. Yes in any case there is more after, and we will talk about it, and stay in touch if you wish. Here are the questions:


1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?



2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.



3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before we started this dialogue?



4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; describe what happened.



5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control (separately).



6) What makes things happen? How does it work?



7) What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.



8) Anything to add?

[Thailand]

Hi Elad. I will get back to you soon with my answers to the questions you posted. My life has been busier than I would've liked for the past few days. I have had to go to work for nine hours a day and I've had other things happening. It is what it is!

This very significant realization has occurred and there is a feeling that I wish I could just sit back and let it integrate a bit. Makes me wish I was back at the vipassana retreat. But my life has been slightly more hectic than usual and will be this weekend also. Any advice?

[Elad]

Hi Elad. I will get back to you soon with my answers to the questions you posted. My life has been busier than I would've liked for the past few days. I have had to go to work for nine hours a day and I've had other things happening. It is what it is!

This very significant realization has occurred and there is a feeling that I wish I could just sit back and let it integrate a bit. Makes me wish I was back at the vipassana retreat. But my life has been slightly more hectic than usual and will be this weekend also. Any advice?

Hey! All makes sense. Only thing that comes up to say is, honor the need to just sit back and let it integrate, as much as you can. Also regarding the question, enjoy them and respond when it feels appopriate.

[Thailand]

Hi Elad. My life here in Thailand is typically very quiet but the past week or so has been the exact opposite. Multiple old friends are in town, I've been working and there was a two day immersion I attended last weekend. I would've preferred it a bit quieter after this realization but it is what it is.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
No. There is no separate self.

Was there ever?
No. There never was a separate self.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

There are thoughts/beliefs/feelings/sensations/etc. that arise. Thoughts of hope/fear/survival/etc. about the past/present/future arise. There are sensations associated with the body arising. There are thoughts of connection with material possessions/relationships/political, religious or other affiliations that arise. There are thoughts of a seemingly separate witness/consciousness/awareness that arises.

These sorts of things that appear to arise are the things I have assumed to be associated with a separate, individual self known as, and thought of as, Pete/self/me/I. From a very early age, nearly every person is taught what constitutes me, myself and I. "This is my nose. This is my mother." The associations with "me" appear to grow in complexity over time.

The ASSUMPTION that there is a separate "me" was taken for granted from the time I first started being taught of its supposed existence, as it is for most people. There's nothing wrong with this per se. Our parents/teachers/society are teaching us how to manage taking care of ourselves and live amongst other people. There are also conventions of speech associated with me, myself and I that have to be used to be understood.

It's just that it's taken for granted that I am a separate self and that any other possibility is nonsense or some sort of philosophical abstraction. I must attend to the needs of a separate self, even if those needs are serving something other than "self". There is a feeling of, "Of course these thoughts/feelings/relationships/possessions/etc. belong to me. They constitute who 'I' am. They are 'mine' and usually nobody else's." There is an assumption of ownership or possession.

It is assumed that what appears to be a separate self has to protect this separate self... minimize unwanted experiences and maximize wanted experiences. "I" must manipulate the "outer" world around "me" to make things happen. In my "inner" world "I" must learn to live with "myself" or deserve to love/hate "myself" or work towards having any other experience "I" believe "I" should have.

From what appears to be the point of view of a separate self, things and experiences do not just arise spontaneously, they happen because of certain forces acting upon them. Some seem to be more personal... I am thinking about that issue. I moved the chair. He was rude to me so I was offended. Some seem to be outside of my control... That war is happening for these political reasons. Earthquakes happen for these scientific reasons. But whatever the case, this seemingly separate entity appears to assume that it's involved with all of it in some way, even if only conceptually.

Since starting the work of examining what makes up the separate self, the realization has become obvious that the stronger the thought/belief/sensation/etc. is felt, the more that thing or experience is assumed to be part of "me." For example: I feel very strongly about this issue so that's who "I" am. This person is wonderful and definitely "my" friend. This is "my" computer. OR. That person is a jerk and "I" could never be friends with someone like that. That shirt is hideous and definitely not "my" style. That's not "my" car. In a conventional sense some of these things may be true but in direct experience they are illusory.

It could also be said that things I feel rather neutral about like a chair or neutral thought, don't seem to have any strong association with a separate self. The point is that there are things that SEEM to be more or less associated with a separate self because of thoughts and feelings about them. The question is WHO do they SEEM to appear that way to?

There appears to be an attachment or relationship between the "separate self" and whatever IT is. IT being a thought/sensation/person/possession/etc. The SEEMINGLY separate self appears to work by solidifying itself through thoughts/feelings/beliefs. In actuality, there is no separate self, there are only thoughts/feelings/beliefs arising and assumed to be a self. This seemingly separate self is assumed to be in a dualistic relationship with whatever belief/feeling/possession/etc. is arising.

As time passes there is a greater accumulation of thoughts/feelings/beliefs that are assumed to constitute what "I" am. This idea of who I am interacts with whatever IT is. This APPEARS to cause thoughts and feelings of suffering, unsatisfactory-ness, joy, despair or any other feeling.

The mistake that's made is rather than seeing them as things that arise spontaneously, they are things that happen to "me." "I" am happy or suffering because something good or bad happened. Not "happiness/suffering is arising" but a separate self that is itself happy or suffering. But the seemingly separate self is just a set of beliefs or a process, not an entity that these things could attach themselves to or appear to. Essentially it's just one thought seeming to interact with another thought.

It is clear now that all thoughts and beliefs about a separate self are just that... thoughts and beliefs. They arise spontaneously and appear to no individual entity. Without going into concepts like God, the Absolute, the Witness... in direct experience everything is just arising spontaneously in the moment. It IS what it IS. There could not be a subject/object relationship between "me" and "it" because there is no separate me to apprehend it. It could be said that an object of consciousness/awareness is appearing to or within consciousness/awareness, but even that implies some sort of division between two things.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before we started this dialogue?

How does it feel to see this?
There have been all sorts of feelings arising over the past few days.

The evening this realization happened, it felt like sort of a non-event, to be honest. I did not see bright lights or hear angels trumpets or fall to the floor laughing and crying. There was just a sense that a profound shift was going on. Like, "Oh, there it is. It's so obvious."

This thing that I've been chasing after in different names and disguises for decades, is completely obvious. I got (at least part of) the cosmic joke... the thing that I've tried desperately to define and pin down for years never existed in the first place. In the absence of a separate self, a beholder and the beheld, there is only what IS.

There was the thought, "Shouldn't this seem more momentous? Shouldn't I be knocked on my ass a bit more?" But I just wrote my thoughts to you, Elad, sat with the realization for a while and went to sleep.

Tears come to me very rarely but there have been a lot of tears over the past few days. The morning after this realization, I went to a meditation group that I do with friends and then went out to lunch with them. I opened my mouth to tell them about it and tears came. I tried to put it in words as best as I could. They are all deeply spiritual people and were very supportive and happy for me. I spoke to another wise friend later and he was also very supportive, and as always gave good advice. I've also learned that there are people who I shouldn't speak to about this because it's outside of their frame of reference.

Over the weekend I went to a seminar taught by a beautiful swami visiting our town. During part of it there was a huge wave of tears that overcame me. Not over anything sad, just a wave of emotion releasing from me. Crying like I've experienced only once since I was a child.

But how does it feel to see this...? The character called Pete starring in the story of "Pete's Life" is still here. Thoughts/experiences/etc. are still attributed to "me," but with a pause and reflection there is the realization (usually with a smile) that these things are just occurring. They're not occurring to "me" in anything but a conventional sense.

For example, there is the thought occurring that, "Ugh! I have to work this evening. I don't want to." But there's the realization, not just repeating to myself some slogan, that it's just thoughts/feelings arising. Not something happening to a separate self doomed to suffer.

To be honest, the realization feels somewhat subtle and fleeting for now. I'm not walking around feeling like I'm one with everything or some other strong state, like some people report.

What is the difference from before we started this dialogue?
Although I had done similar work previously, maybe most importantly the inquiries in Greg Goode's book The Direct Path, A User Guide, there were still lingering assumptions that there had to be some sort of an individual self running the show.

As I said when first starting at LU, I've read so many books, watched so many videos, listened to so many teachers, that I felt like I was choking on all of it. I continued to study even though I had lost interest in their words. It was like, "Yes, I get it. There's no separate self. Now what?" I was convinced that intellectually I understood the concept completely.

It's the funniest thing. You can believe you understand something completely but one day you shift your perspective a hairsbreadth and the true meaning of it becomes obvious. And now I realize the meaning has appeared to no one. There's just a clearing away of a false belief.

I've been looking at certain non-duality material, videos and memes and things. I have a different perspective now on the things I've been studying for so long. Kind of like, "Yeah, I get what you're saying now." It's not the end of the road, so to speak, and the idea of a seeker didn't just disappear, but there's an opening that has occurred.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; describe what happened.

You, Elad, kept asking me essentially the same question over and over. "Is there anything that seems to be "the self"/me/I? And is it? Or is actually just spontaneous nature?" I felt like, "Why does he keep asking me this? Haven't I already explained this?" I felt like asking if we could move on to meditating on my infinite nature or whatever. Not looking again at these thoughts/feelings/sensations/etc. that SEEM to be myself.

Those phrases "SEEM TO" or "APPEAR TO" are important here. I kept saying basically, "Yes, I get it. There is no separate self but when I have a strong thought/feeling/sensation around whatever IT is, it SEEMS like it is a part of "me."

And this SEEMS so obvious now, but it was as simple as shifting my perspective a bit and asking myself the right question.

I thought, "Ok. I keep saying this word 'seems'. WHO exactly does anything SEEM to appear TO."

If there is no separate self, and it has already been established through deep inquiry that there isn't... THEN WHO DOES THIS BELIEF/THOUGHT/ETC., "SEEM" TO APPEAR TO?

The scales fell from my eyes.

If there is no separate self, then there is nothing for any thought/belief/sensation/etc. to cling TO, belong TO or appear TO. Seemingly or otherwise.

There is just a thought arising. Just a sensation arising (including sensations called a body). Just an experience arising.

There is no Pete AND the belief. There is no me AND the chair. There is no I AND an experience. There is only what is arising in direct experience in this moment. There has never been a separate self to be in relationship with other things, there is only what IS arising in this moment.

I described it as this understanding dropping from my head to my heart. It's the difference between believing that something is understood intellectually and being understood "in my bones." Nothing has changed but everything is different. And all of this is being experienced without anyone to experience any of it.

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control (separately).

Decision: The need for a decision arises. Thoughts and sometimes feelings like anxiety or indecision arise that are attributed to Pete/self/I/me that "I" must make a decision and reap the rewards of suffer the consequences. Since a separate self does not exist, the "decision" appears to be made by preconditioned thoughts/feelings/beliefs that seem to lean more forcefully in a certain direction. Even if making a choice to leave it to "fate" through a coin toss, the "separate self" believes it is in charge of the decision. In actuality, the "decision making" and the actions taken arise spontaneously.

Intention: There is a perceived need to go from Point A to Point B, whatever the task may be. The thoughts/beliefs/etc. that are assumed to be the separate self, appoint themselves as the "boss" in charge of orchestrating and accomplishing this task. An intention is formulated and carried out or abandoned. There is no separate self to do this work. It is just preconditioned thoughts/feelings/beliefs arising that seem to interact with the necessity to accomplish something. Spontaneous intentions and actions arise to carry out the task in a way that the "separate self" "believes" would best benefit it.

Free Will: There is no separate entity to possess or exert free will, so there is no one present to have a "will" that could then be "free."

Choice: Choice A and Choice B arise. The thoughts/feelings/beliefs that appear to constitute a separate self appear to lean more forcefully in a certain direction. The "choice" is made for A or B depending on which direction the "separate self" "believes" would most benefit it. "Choice" "separate self" and "belief" are all just spontaneously arising thoughts that have no power to make anything happen on their own. In actuality, the "choice" and the actions taken arise spontaneously.

Control: There is what appears to the "separate self" to be things "in my control" and "out of my control." Neither is accurate. If there is no separate self, then it is not possible for anything to be either "in" or "out" of its control. Thoughts and actions may occur that appear to be keeping things "in my control" but the thoughts themselves are spontaneously arising, not a separate entity controlling anything.

6) What makes things happen? How does it work?

What makes things happen?
I don't know. It's a mystery. Without resorting to words/concepts like God/The Absolute/Infinite Consciousness, I couldn't say. The best I can say is everything is spontaneously occurring.

How does it work?
I don't know. It's a mystery. The best I can say is everything is spontaneously occurring.

7) What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

I'm not sure I know how to answer this question. I can say that in a conventional sense "I" am responsible for many things. Paying my rent, showing up at work, helping others when possible, etc. In light of the realization that there is no separate self, I could say there's no one here to be responsible (or not responsible) for anything. It's all just occurring spontaneously without anyone to have responsibility for it.

8) Anything to add?

None of the fears previously surrounding this realization have occurred. I was able to go to work the next day. I wasn't so overcome with emotion that I couldn't operate as usual. I didn't suddenly forget how to take care of "myself" - I seem to be taking care of myself as much or as little as before. I didn't fall into a pit of existential despair because of some discovery.

[Thailand]

Insight has arrived that mystical experiences and awakening experiences are not the same thing. They can co-arise but not necessarily. Pete has been hung up on this issue.

[Elad]

Thank you Pete, this was beautiful and inspiring to read. I have no questions at this point, so will let other guides look and lets see what they say.

[Elad]

Three other guides read your responses and also didn't have any further questions, which means you have "graduated LU" 🙃 An administrator, Nerina, will invite you to the facebook group, and I will soon send you more info on more possibilities from here. Do you have any particular questions at this point? In any case, I am happy to stay in touch.

[Thailand]

Wow Elad, that's great! Once again, thank you so much. This has been the culmination of so many things for me. I'm glad to have had such a kindhearted and thorough guide for this part of the journey. Thank you, my friend! If there's ever anything I can do for you, please let me know.

The biggest question I have is, "what do I do now?" I bought a book by Adyashanti called The End of Your World a few years ago, but it's for people who have had an initial spiritual awakening. And now I can actually read it! Ha! It's giving me some guidance on where to go from here. I suppose the information you guys are going to send me will answer my questions. But I am curious what you think. What does one do after having this initial awakening?

And to stay in touch, should I send a message on this thread or PM you?

[Thailand]

Actually, let me amend that question. What does one do to integrate this realization into life? What's been your experience? Is it something that happens automatically or what work is there to be done?

[Elad]

It's been a real pleasure doing this with you!

Re after and "integration", it's all "personal" (ha), i.e. unique for each one. That said... I recommend taking some time now without engaging in further exploration. Just enjoy and let it settle. All kinds of beliefs and patterns will naturally come up to be seen and let go. Changes will happen naturally. Again, enjoy, relax, let it flow...

At some point when you really feel ready to explore further, there a different ways... Adya's book that you mentioned is a help to many. Many these days appreciate the Buddhist fetter model, where the next fetters to address will be "desire and ill will", or in more contemporary words, resistance, reactivity, addiction... I can refer you to groups and people, and for starters videos, if that path appeals to you.

In the beginning of 2026 I will open a sangha together with a lovely fellow guide from here called Becca, it will be a weekly space to explore all things awakening and just human maturation and flourishing. A non-hierarchical space. I can tell you more about that, if it might be of interest.

But again, I would mainly recommend to just let this shift organically "settle" and "teach you" for a while now, without pursuing more information, or actively going for more shifts. This is a big shift, it deserves space and honoring.

As for connecting, if you join the facebook group, we will connect there (the group is not very active or great, I would say, but still). I am called Elad Chone on facebook. Also you can write me on eladexplore1111@gmail.com.

And we can continue to write here, when there is something. I find this forum comfortable to navigate.

Thank you for this chapter and blessings for a beautiful new one :)

[Elad]

Oh, one more thing: Once this has settled some, and should you have the impulse, I think you could become a good LU guide. In a funny way everything that went before can be beneficial in understanding, empathizing and assisting others. We can talk about it in the future if it appeals.

[Thailand]

There's a few things here, so...

1) Take some time to just enjoy and let the realization settle, without pursuing more information. Good advice. My conditioned impulse is to keep seeking and asking, "What's next?"

2) Yes, I am very interested in the fetter model. There's a guy named Kevin Schanilec who you probably know. I've watched some of his videos and looked at his site. Any groups and people involved in fetter work I would appreciate if you can send me.

3) That's great you're opening a sangha! I would definitely like to hear more and be involved.

4) I will join the FB group and I sent you a friend request on FB.

5) Thank you for saying I would make a good LU guide. And yes, that is something that has crossed my mind. This realization has to settle but in the future I would definitely like to talk with you about that.

Thank you, Elad!