wake up Shane

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,
Yes, something is shifting.

For the first ten minutes write down what you are experiencing right now using the word “I”.

Transcribing directly from my journal where I did this exercise after work yesterday.

I am sitting in my favourite recliner chair. I have lifted the footrest and I am leaning back comfortably and sitting with my legs crossed.
My left foot is a little squashed on the chair, and my toe bent back a little, other than that I am quite comfortable.
I can hear the hum of the fridge.
Jake lies on the rug in front of me. sleeping as usual.
The light globe above me has blown and will need to be replaced. I think I have a spare in the laundry.
It is getting dark outside. But there are other lights on in here. I can see alright for now.
I’m waiting for my son to get home from work and then we’ll have dinner.
I am making salmon.
I can feel the rising and falling of my chest as I breathe.
I feel good today, it was a good day. Work went well.
How does my body feel comfortable?
Can I taste anything? I don’t think so.
I run my tongue over my teeth, up and around my gums.
I can see all the different foods in our pantry. It’s getting a little messy. I wish we could keep it a bit more organised.
I can see the kitchen table and the crust of bread that is left from the loaf I made.
I’m running out of things to say.
I can hear cars outside on the street.

for the next ten minutes continue writing down what you are experiencing but this time without using the word “I”.

Sitting on the recliner. Footrest extended, backrest reclined.
Legs stretched out in front. Toes wiggle, ankles circling.
Jake is alert, he heard the sounds in front of the house too.
Cars driving down the street. There is also the hum of the fridge.
The kitchen table with bread crust leftover.
Back resting on the chair legs supported.
Notebook resting on chest.
Right hand holding pen. Pen flowing across the page. The words form as the pen writes. The pen is the writer and the words flow behind it.
Jake licks himself, the repetitive lapping.
There is no discernible smell. There is congestion in the nose. A tightness in the chest and slightly strained breathing.
There is the sound of a plane.
Legs are relaxed. Hand stopped moving. There it goes again writing.
A pain in my forehead.

1. Is one truer than the other, and If so, which one?

The second example is definitely truer.
In the first example, Using “I” there were added layers to everything.
Ie. “I wish we could keep it more organised”
“I’m running out of things to say”
“I think I have a spare in the laundry”
“I am making salmon” (the salmon had spots on it, that I didn’t think looked good. It was on its use by date so I threw it out and made something else. The point being I wasn’t Making salmon, I was thinking ahead. And it wasn’t true. Neither were the other judgements and narratives.
The second was just factual observations without judgements

2. What is here without labels?

Both times I had blank moments.
In the first example I said “I am running out of things to say” but my mind had just gone blank for a moment.
In the second, a similar experience, but I wrote it as “hand stopped moving”
Even in the second example there are still quite a lot of labels. “I” was still naming all the things.

3. Do labels affect the experience or just describe it?

The labels do affect the experience.
I still had not taken the time yet to follow your first instruction to “Observe how the mind is dividing and labelling every thing into objects and is embellishing them with stories about what they are.”
Now that I look back on the exercise, I can see labels in both, but the label “I” had a strong affect on the first piece. The labels in the second piece were more subtle, but still affected the experience.

4. Did you notice any differences in the body?

I readjusted myself in the second example to be more comfortable.
The observation of the pen was interesting. Interesting that I saw it as the pen that was moving flowing across the page. I felt it as part of me, although later it was the hand that stopped moving.

Does writing require a writer?

My journals tend to be quite “stream of consciousness”.
When writing in my journal, I often will look at the pen, and wonder where the words are coming from.
It almost feels like the thoughts come straight out of the pen.
I have heard writers say that it is not them who writes.
They simply get out of the way, and let the words come through.
My seeking has often been about trying to find this kind of inspiration.
I’m not sure what happens between words. The pen lifts. The next word seems to be there. The pen engages again.

Has the writer been a mirage all along?

That does seem very possible, yes.

Label daily activities simply color/image, sound, smell, taste, sensation, thought.

I have only done this experiment a couple of times so far, but I like it.
I has been getting quite stressed at work lately.
Too many tasks to possibly complete in a day, and a micromanaging management culture. It’s not just my direct supervisor, it seems pervasive at higher levels too.
It’s was a good experiment to take 30 seconds out of the busy day. I will try to do this more.

3 screens, multiple windows open - colours and images
The beeps and blurps of chat messages coming through - sounds
Coffee - smell
Coffee - taste
My bottom resting on the chair, my back against the backrest - sensation.
I just need to do one thing at a time - thought

And again this morning
Turn kettle switch on, orange light - colour
The element is heating the water - sound
Opening coffee jar - smell
Kettle boils and clicks off - sound
Lift handle - touch
Pour water onto coffee - visual
Stir coffee - smell
Add cold water to sip - taste
Take a bigger mouthful and swallow - sensation
“Oh, that’s good” - thought

these experiments bring me right into the moment.
I’ve only really done it twice intentionally so far, but would like to continue with this too.

Finally, I want to come back to your first comments.
I have about half an hour before I need to get up and into morning routine.

Observe how the mind is dividing and labelling every thing into objects and is embellishing them with stories about what they are.
Give it some time…

I am in bed in my room, familiar surroundings.
Window, mirror, Door, wall, tv, bookshelf, coat rack, ensuite, bed stand
Ceiling, light
Bed, blanket, feet, notebook, hands, iPad.
Setting iPad down.
Without the iPad there are sounds, that chirping again
And then sensations of the body
Heart beating, deep breathing.
iPad down again.

Eyes move from one “thing” to another
There is a lot of labeling,
Light switch, electrical cables, sounds of airplanes.
There is a physical sensation of eye movement, and the visual focus shift.
Eyes relax, and the visual focus blurs.
Eyes heavy, close.
Shapes and shades, and light in indistinct patterns.
Eyes open.
The images leave an impression. If I gaze at the black screen of the tv, then an after image appears in light.
Is this real. Or an optical illusion?

What are the things without their labels? Only sensory perception.
What else is here?

just this.

Sincerely,
Shane

[graceabounds]

Very good. More of the same today then.
Break daily activities down
simply taste
simply color
etc

Let the labels fall away.

I has been getting quite stressed at work lately. Too many tasks to possibly complete in a day,

If there is no writer, just writing…
Is there a do-er of the tasks?
What is ‘stress’? Where is it felt? What happens there?

I was thinking ahead. And it wasn’t true. Neither were the other judgements and narratives.

Is thinking ahead ever true? :) Is it real or fiction?…
What is time?

Much love, keep it up!
Becca

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,
Thankyou for your speedy responses.
I received the notification of your message while at work.

I had been rushing trying to prepare for an online meeting that it was my turn to run.
Knowing that there were multiple tasks that needed doing before the meeting, and preparation including reporting on daily data that is hard to find.
One of my team sent me a message asking me a question that I didn’t know the answer to.
I asked my manager and got a short sharp response. “What does the manual say?”
The manual is over 600 pages long.
I was so angry.
One of my team is asking for help, but I’m too busy jumping through hoops for my manager, and my manager won’t even help me.
Then I saw your message.

What is ‘stress’?

The words jumped right out at me and stopped my in my tracks. it was exactly what I needed.

Where is it felt?

heart beating - sensation.
face warm - sensation.
The rest is thinking.
I put my team member’s question aside. I had time to answer that later in the day.
I finished compiling my data.

What happens there?

I think about competing priorities.
I want to help my team.
But my manager wants me to reach the kpi’s
I don’t really care very much about the kpi’s
But I do care about the people that I work with.
I don’t have time to support my team to reach the kpi’s, because I’m too busy reporting on the kpi’s.
Stop! im thinking again, trying to describe what stress feels like. But I know that I can’t. Because I made it up. It is all a story.

Even I saw what I said there…”I don’t have time… “

Back to Becca’s message

What is time?

I has lots of thinking questions about time.
I is caught in time.
“There is no past, there is no future, there is only now” it’s a quote from Alan Watts that I Love.
But do I really see it?
No, because I is caught in time.

I feels so connected to the experience of life.
In my journal I justifies its existence like this…
“I accept that the ultimate reality is only one, that this ego is an illusion.
But ego is necessary in order to experience this illusion.”
“God put you here to experience life, because God is one, and cant experience itself
“Sure, I could drop the illusion, and become one with the universe.
But aren’t I here to experience the world?”
“Let ego experience the world, and then we’ll return to oneness with the universe”

Is thinking ahead ever true? :) Is it real or fiction?…

no, its predictions are often wrong.
And also not true.
The above are examples of the cute and clever little fictions that ego tries to tell me.

Can I experience this world without identifying with ego?

I am so in my head about this.
I close my eyes, and breathe.

I don’t want to fight with ego.
In fact, only ego can fight with ego, and that is a losing battle.

return to direct experience.

There is my breath.
There are sounds, there are images, there are colours, there are shades of light and dark. There are tastes, there are smells.
There are sensations, there are thoughts.
The labels are thoughts too.
But what else is there?
There is just this.

I jumps in “I’m not seeing this” - thought
I cant see it.
I has terrible FOMO.
I wants awakening too.
But I is just a personification of my thoughts.

There is no separate self, never was, never will be.

Finishing by copying in some examples of direct experience through the day
while writing them down is good, there are also moments through the day, where noticing just happens.
There is something quite special about those too.
Even though they are not written here.

The cherry blossom is in full bloom - colour
Bees are buzzing the flowers - image
The lavender bush too is beautiful purple - colour
Two little grey masked birds fly around the branches of the ornamental pear - image
Yes, please make a nest in my tree - thoughts

Running water in the sink - sound
Add detergent - smell
My favourite coffee mug - colour
Running the sponge around the mug in the water - sensation

Lamb tandoori in the slow cooker - smell
Give it a stir with the spoon - sensation
Taste a little off the spoon - taste
Looking forward to the kids getting home soon and a nice dinner together - thought

The comfort of my bed - sensation
Bedroom wall - colour
Water dripping in the drainpipes - sound
Take a sip of coffee - taste

Sincerely
Shane

[graceabounds]

Very good Shane.

Use this as a practice, liberally, in the coming days… looking, smelling, tasting, touching etc, it serves as a grounding rod. You are seeing the thought-stories in real time. Speaking of time…

I has lots of thinking questions about time.
I is caught in time.
“There is no past, there is no future, there is only now” it’s a quote from Alan Watts that I Love.
But do I really see it?
No, because I is caught in time.

So, thinking questions aside, what is time in direct experience?

There is a general assumption that there is linear time that started (if started at all) somewhere very far in the past and advances to the distant future. The present moment (now) is considered to be a very small fragment of time, or an event that is moving forward on a linear line, coming from the past and advancing to the future.

But is there an experience of the ’now’ moving along the line of time?
Any experience of one ‘moment’ giving way to the next?
Is there any actual or direct experience of one event following another?

How fast is the ‘present moment’ actually moving?
Just look at 'this moment', can you find a point where it began?
How long does the ‘now’ last?
Where does the ‘now’ start, and where does it end?

When does the ‘now’ exactly become the 'past'?
What is the ‘past’ in actual experience?
So is there actual experience of ‘time’ or thoughts about ‘time’?

:)
Becca

[Seanus]

Hi Becca
:-)

So, thinking questions aside, what is time in direct experience?

There is certainly a timeless quality to direct experience, and a strong sense of being present in the moment.
All that exists is what is here and now.

In direct experience, there is only now.
The past is all memories. And therefore thinking.
The future is all fantasy. Also thinking.
there has never been an experience of either past or future.
Everything that is ever experienced is now.

I resists quite strongly the understanding that past doesn’t exist.
“What about those moments when I used to sit and listen to my grandfather tell stories. And so many other cherished memories.”
I still feel the love I “had” for him, and also sadness, as many of those stories were very painful for him.
When my grandmother died she was 93. She had many children, grand children and great grand children.
She used to tell me often about how she prayed for each and every one of us every day. She was deeply religious, and even though I am not, I still feel that Love that she had for us. Even now my eyes well up with tears of Love.
still they are memories. But very hard to put aside.

is there an experience of the ’now’ moving along the line of time?

From the perspective of the linear model,
the statement “This moment is Now!” Is false.
By the time the writer has written it down it is untrue

But even within this moment there is movement.
breathing goes in and out, the chest rising and falling.

Listening to music can be a very centering experience.
I puts on a piece of music so that I can describe it in direct experience.
‘Clair de lune’ is a lovely piece and nicely meditative.
The music washes over me and my body relaxes into the music.
The music needs this movement in order to be enjoyed.
Music is so much more than one note at a time, it is movement of notes rising and falling.

The words on this page that appear one letter at a time, also need this movement. Without it, they would not make any sense. But music is a more visceral example. Writing is very conceptual.

Perhaps linear time is the best (or easiest) concept the ego can imagine to comprehend this movement.
But the reality is much more subtle.

How fast is the ‘present moment’ actually moving?

The ‘present moment’ doesn’t exist, but there is movement. I cannot measure it.

Just look at 'this moment', can you find a point where it began?

No
Now is not a moment.

How long does the ‘now’ last?

It is eternal.
And constantly moving, changing.

Where does the ‘now’ start, and where does it end?

It doesn’t start or end.

is there actual experience of ‘time’ or thoughts about ‘time’?

I have tried to be as honest as I can in my answers here.
language doesn’t help, with all its tenses and self identification.
There is some direct experience here.
And some memories of direct experience (is that a thing?)
Even still I feel that a lot of what I have written is quite conceptual, based on many years of trying to understand the movement of time logically
But words are not really adequate to describe the experience.

In writing this, there was a very strong experience of something we discussed previously.
Something about thoughts not being linear.

It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just notice if there is an organized sequence? Or is that just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that ‘one thought follows another thought’?

This post has been heavily edited and rearranged, as I tried the wrestle with language and conceptual thinking. The direct experience of this “thought” process did not necessarily come in a logical ordered sequence.
Eg. re-reading about memories of my grandfather triggered memories of my grandmother.
Also, Rereading your message to ensure I was answering your questions to see I had already answered in another way.
Interesting, especially given the subject

8-)
Sincerely
Shane

[graceabounds]

I feel that a lot of what I have written is quite conceptual

So without the conceptual, without the one who needs to answer any questions at all, what is here?

Is there ever anything but this single experiencing—changing, yes, but always only “here”?

Memories appear. But do they come with a timestamp? When a memory arises, is it anything other than a thought, a feeling, a sensation now? Can you actually revisit the past, or only experience thought-forms and feelings right now? Go deeply: “I still feel that Love that she had for us.” Is there any evidence of “past” in the feeling, or is it just sensation, here and now?

What is memory exactly?
What is the memory ‘made of’?
WHEN does the memory appear?
What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘memory’ thought?
How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘memory’ thought refers to something that has happened?

Look at a thought about the future.
What is the future thought ‘made of’?
WHEN does the future thought appear?
What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘future’ thought?
How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘future’ thought refers to something that will happen?

Now compare a thought about past and a thought about the future.
What is the EXACT difference between the thoughts about past and future?
If there is difference then how is that difference is known exactly?

This post has been heavily edited and rearranged, as I tried the wrestle with language and conceptual thinking.

Yes, words words words… Let the language come out as it will, all messy and imperfect, as long as it isn’t the conceptual thinking doing the communicating… :)

-Becca

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,
Thankyou,
I will worry less about my words :-)
The weekend is here, and I have some enjoyable plans with family.
I hope it is okay if I take a little more time with my response this weekend.
I am enjoying working with your questions, but don’t want to rush my response.
I may not send a response today, but will respond by tomorrow.
Sincerely
Shane

[graceabounds]

Absolutely, thanks for letting me know.
Enjoy!

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,

So without the conceptual, without the one who needs to answer any questions at all, what is here?

Only what is here in direct experience
The perceptions and sensations of my body, sight, sound, smell, taste, touch and feelings and thoughts.

Is there ever anything but this single experiencing—changing, yes, but always only “here”?

No, there is only what is here and now.

Memories appear. But do they come with a timestamp?

Not a timestamp exactly. But kind of. I remember sitting in my grandparents living room, beside my grandfather, sitting in his recliner chair, teaching me how to do the cryptic crossword, listening to his stories from during the war, and of his childhood. I was there in the here and now.
The time stamp is that I feel like I was there. In what was here and now, then [words, words, words…]

is it anything other than a thought, a feeling, a sensation now?

No, it is just a thought now.

“I still feel that Love that she had for us.” Is there any evidence of “past” in the feeling, or is it just sensation, here and now?

Interesting that my first “thought” is to recall a memory, from yesterday, of a memory that I had 10 years ago, and yesterday when I remembered this the tears welled up in my eyes. There is not that feeling now, but I can remember it, and it still feels like a sensation in my tear ducts.
I can remember the taste of the chocolate slice she was famous for. My mouth salivates.
I can remember the feeling of the sand giving way as we walked down by the beach, and the softness of her hand as I helped her keep her balance and she put her other hand on top of mine. Tears well up again.
I remember the vigil the family kept, by her bedside, how she didn’t eat, and barely moved for days, just the rasping of her breath, keeping herself alive until she had seen everyone. I was there when my cousin got there, and he wept by her side, and she held herself up to hold his hand and she looked deeply into his eyes to comfort him.
I feel that memory in my chest, and my throat, and my eyes again. It is so vivid.
But I am still here in my room as I remember it, the memory and those feelings are here and now.

Is there any evidence of “past” in the feeling, or is it just sensation, here and now?

It is sensation here and now. The only evidence is that she is not actually here and now. If I saw my cousin again now, he would be older.
But no, it is just a memory, that I am feeling here and now.

What is memory exactly?
What is the memory ‘made of’?

Memory is a thought. There is sensation too, in response to the thought.

WHEN does the memory appear?

The memory itself is happening now.

What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘memory’ thought?

I don’t know.
Perhaps the emotion attached to it? That constricted feeling in my throat, or chest?
What is a general thought? They are often memories, or thought processes triggered by memories. I don’t really know how to distinguish them.

How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘memory’ thought refers to something that has happened?

I don’t think I can know that exactly.
That my cousin is now older?
That Nana is no longer with us?
Those feel like thoughts too.
But I do know that I can never see her again here and now.

What is the future thought ‘made of’?

I’m going to my brothers house this afternoon. We have to drive south and up in to the hills, it’s a bit of a drive. Im looking forward to seeing him.
I can think about the way to get there, the different routes we could take. They are like visual impressions, plans for which way I will drive to get there.

WHEN does the future thought appear?

Actually, a lot of the visual representations of how I will get there, are of past moments when I have been to his house, and my memories of those roads.
The thought of the future is happening now.

What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘future’ thought?

I cant know what the road conditions are going to be like. That road can be quite busy on a weekday, but it is Sunday, so we’ll probably get a good run. I won’t really know what the conditions will be like this afternoon until we get there.

How is it known EXACTLY that a ‘future’ thought refers to something that will happen?

I don’t feel like I can be exact about this.
I don’t know what will happen.
We were originally going to be going to my brothers house last night, but something else came up and plans had to change. We changed it to lunch today.
We were originally going to have a bonfire last night to burn off some cuttings from this garden. Then we changed it to doing the burning off today. Just now he has sent me a message that he looked up the rules about burning off, and youre not allowed to do it on Sundays. So that plan has changed too.
I’m sure that when we get there, things won’t be exactly as I expect them to be this afternoon either.

perhaps it is the sense of uncertainty/possibility that makes it a thought about the future.

Now compare a thought about past and a thought about the future.
What is the EXACT difference between the thoughts about past and future?
If there is difference then how is that difference is known exactly?

Yes, the difference seems to be how it is known.
The thought about the past is about something that is known to have happened. I cannot change it, the moment is gone. Only the memory of it remains.
The thought about the future, is a visualisation of possibilities that cannot be known.
They might happen that way, but in my experience, plans often change.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this.
(Though I don’t know what they will be)

Shane

[graceabounds]

Hi Shane!

the difference seems to be how it is known.
The thought about the past is about something that is known to have happened. I cannot change it, the moment is gone. Only the memory of it remains.
The thought about the future, is a visualisation of possibilities that cannot be known.
They might happen that way, but in my experience, plans often change.

Look at this carefully. What is actually happening when a “memory” or “future” thought appears?
Does the “memory” arrive with a certificate that says “this is a memory of something real, which happened”?
Does a “future” thought arrive with a tag that says “this is a prediction, but it’s not real yet”?
Or do both simply appear as thoughts now, sometimes with a bodily sensation, sometimes with imagery, sometimes with feeling?

The difference you’re pointing to is not in the experience itself, but in the label and story about the experience.

Go underneath even the emotional charge. Whether the feeling is grief, joy, or anticipation, what is actually here? Sensation, thought, maybe images or inner sound, all arising now.

What is memory? What is a future thought?
Look directly. Both are thoughts now. There is no proof, in the experience, that the “memory” is anything more than an image/feeling appearing now. There is no proof that the “future” is anything but an image/feeling appearing now. The mind says, “but one refers to the past, one to the future”—but both are here, now, as thoughts.

The only evidence is that she is not actually here and now. If I saw my cousin again now, he would be older.

Is that evidence, or is it another thought, here and now?

What if “past” and “future” are just categories the mind uses to sort thoughts!?
Can you find any “past” or “future” in the sensation, image, or thought itself other than the story that calls it memory or plan?
What is the difference between “memory” and “imagination”? Can you find a dividing line? Or is that difference only in a story?

Here is an exercise which points out the difference between direct experience and content of thought.

There are two types of thoughts:
(1) Thoughts with words “Here is cup”
(2) Visual mental images of a ‘cup’

So I invite you to do this exercise:
Think of a cup. Get a very clear picture in your mind. See clearly the size, shape, color and volume of the cup. Notice whether it is decorated or plain. Notice whether it has a handle. Notice whether it is heavy or fragile. Do you have a clear picture in mind?

Now, can you physically grasp that image of a cup?
Can you pour tea into it?
Can you drink from it?
Is there a ‘real’ cup or just an image of a cup?
Is there an appearing mental image?
Is the content of the mental image (the cup) ‘real’?

The thoughts and mental images are real only as arising thoughts and mental images, their ‘presence’ cannot be denied. However their contents, what are they about are not ‘real’, they are just fantasies. Can you see this?

Over the course of the next day or so, I'd like you to notice the content of thoughts. Whenever there is an arising thought or mental image, check whether its content (what it’s about) is really happening, or the content is just pure imagination. Let me know how it goes.

-Becca

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,

What is memory? What is a future thought?

Yes, I agree.
There is no timestamp that says a memory or prediction is happening any time other than here and now.
And I can see that those are stories that are added by the mind later.
I admit I was grasping for a difference.
I can also see that I am holding on very tightly to some very highly charged emotional memories, and that is very much an activity of the mind.

Is that evidence, or is it another thought, here and now?

No, it is all just thoughts.
My fear is that this line of thinking seems to deny the existence of everyone that I hold dear to me, including my self.
That feels scarily like insanity.
But I can also see that the fear too is just a thought.

So I invite you to do this exercise:
Think of a cup…
… Do you have a clear picture in mind?

Yes, I have a favourite cup in mind.
It is a blue glazed, clay mug, with an image of mt Fuji painted on it.
It does have a handle, and I can easily imagine how it feels in my hand.
I am very familiar with it. I use it to drink my coffee every day.

Now, can you physically grasp that image of a cup?

I can imagine myself holding the mental image of the cup, and I can imagine how that feels, even the warmth of how it feels when I have just filled it with coffee.
But no, I cannot physically grasp it.

Can you pour tea into it?
Can you drink from it?
Is there a ‘real’ cup or just an image of a cup?

No.
It is quite a clear image, I can imagine pouring tea into it, and drinking from it.
But this is not a real cup, it is just an image.

Is there an appearing mental image?
Is the content of the mental image (the cup) ‘real’?

Yes, the image appears quite clearly in my mind,
And no, it’s content is not real.

The thoughts and mental images are real only as arising thoughts and mental images, their ‘presence’ cannot be denied. However their contents, what are they about are not ‘real’, they are just fantasies. Can you see this?

Yes, I can see this.
And I am happy to continue this experiment over the next couple of days.
I like to think I have a good understanding of what is a real thing in experience, and what is an imagined thought.
But I suspect that there is another step in this exercise…

I pick up my actual blue coffee cup and take a sip…
Mmm feels real enough to me ;-)

Shane

[graceabounds]

I like to think I have a good understanding of what is a real thing in experience, and what is an imagined thought.

Oh?
Do you exist? Have you ever?
Is there a “self” who is holding the cup? Or just sensations, thoughts, images, all appearing?

I can also see that I am holding on very tightly to some very highly charged emotional memories, and that is very much an activity of the mind.

Yes.
WHAT wants to keep the memories and clings to them?

My fear is that this line of thinking seems to deny the existence of everyone that I hold dear to me, including my self.
That feels scarily like insanity.
But I can also see that the fear too is just a thought

A thought of insanity by the imaginary self, got it. ;)

If you drop the fight and simply allow every sensation, every thought, every story about self and loved ones and loss what actually happens? Does the world vanish? Do your loved ones vanish? Or is it just the stories about them that flicker and dissolve, and sensation remains?

To believe that the only way to honor love, or connection, or even existence itself, is to keep it in a mental cage, to cling to images, repeat stories, hold identities on life-support.
Who would you be, what would remain, if you stopped doing that for even a moment?

Try it right now. Let go completely.
Drop every memory, every “my,” every identity. Even let the fear swallow you.
What remains?
Is love gone, or is it finally free? free of need, free of story, free of clinging?

Don’t answer from thought. Do it now.
What remains, without anyone needing to hold on?

Can you actually lose anything that is real, or only illusions, stories, and ideas?

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,
I literally LOL’ed at this :-D

A thought of insanity by the imaginary self, got it. ;)

It is funny when you put it that way :-D
Luckily I wasn’t drinking my coffee, or I would have spat it out all over the universe :-D

Is there a “self” who is holding the cup? Or just sensations, thoughts, images, all appearing?

There is a visual image of my hand holding the handle of the cup.
There is a physical sensation coming from my hand holding the handle.
It’s all just images, sensations, and thoughts.

WHAT wants to keep the memories and clings to them?

It’s just patterns of thought.
Ok, that feels big.

To believe that the only way to honor love, or connection, or even existence itself, is to keep it in a mental cage, to cling to images, repeat stories, hold identities on life-support.

And this resonates too.
Yes, I can let the stories go.

Do it now.

There is no separate self, never was, never will be.
I am here in my room.
My room? A room.
There is a wall, and a tv screen, and a light switch, and a book shelf.
There is an iPad, and thumbs tapping on a keyboard as words appear on the screen.
From under the duvet, there is a chest, that rises and falls, in rhythm with the breath that I can feel flowing in and out of my throat.
I can put my hand under my nose and feel the sensation of the air on my fingers.
I can hear the sound of the dryer, drying my clothes for the day.
“My”, “I”. These are stories. Who is I?
I am Shane. Am I? That is just a thought.
I am a Dad. It’s my favourite story. It makes me feel important.
Can I let go of that story. Yes I can. I still love my kids.
Except they are not bound by the label “my”, or “kids” for that matter, they are independent people, making their way in the world.
All these are stories
I am lying in my bed.
There is a body lying on a bed.
There is the sensation of a pillow beneath my head (my?)
A sensation of pressure.
A sensation of pressure on what feel like legs.

…
It felt like there was nothing.

I dreamt, there was a large house, I was in a therapy session and people were coming and going, family, friends. I was making coffee for people who came to the door, and the people wandering around the house kept interrupting.
all while my patient therapist waited.
I yelled at one to get the hell out, and he scampered off.
My step brother came, who died about 5 years ago. He was stealing a family portrait.
I talked with my therapist about all these people being thoughts.
I thought it was breakthrough, but she wasn’t paying attention.

This dream is not direct experience.
I woke up and tried to write it down, but the memory faded even as I wrote it.
It is a remnant of a memory
It is a story I told myself about thoughts.

It felt like nothing.
Like there was nothing left.
Or perhaps I need to look closer.
But I fell asleep.
Nothing left, after the thoughts and labels.

I will keep trying to look closer.
I can accept that self is just thought patterns, reinforcing a particular identity.
I can accept that the labels I put on sensations and perceptions are also stories.
And it even starts to melt away.
And there is nothing.

Shane

[graceabounds]

Beautiful, Shane.

When ‘awake’ continue to look.

There IS nothing left.
AND everything.

Don’t try to go “closer.” No one needs to try. Just look.
Is there a “you” anywhere in the raw experiencing right now?

Look at the pressure of the pillow, the rise and fall of breath, the sound of the dryer, the sensation of fingers tapping, the sense of a chest, the image of a room, or whatever is appearing.

Where exactly is the one who “has” this experience?

Is there a holder of sensation, or is there just sensation?
Is there an owner of the air on the fingers, or just the feel of it?
Is there a thinker of thoughts, or just the play of thought itself?

I am a Dad. It’s my favourite story. It makes me feel important.
Can I let go of that story. Yes I can. I still love my kids.
Except they are not bound by the label “my”, or “kids” for that matter, they are independent people, making their way in the world.
All these are stories

Very astute, very good looking here. If there is no one here, is there anyone there? Can anyone possibly be owned?
Let go of every single label, every last scrap of story.
Not “my hand.”
Not “my body.”
Not “me in a room.”
Is there anything left that is separate, apart, or in control?

What is missing, when there is no story?


Is there an actual self? Or is that just a fading echo of thought?

Was there ever anything to hold on to?

If “there is nothing,” is there a problem with that?
Does something need to be added?
Or is this—plain, unadorned—enough?

Much love,
Becca

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,

There IS nothing left.
AND everything.

I explored this on the train, both in and out of work, and again when I got home last night.
I have felt this nothingness before.
When I was younger I had a couple of expansive experiences of it.
And last night I really looked into it.
It is all pervasive.
The nothingness underlies everything, and permeates everything.
And it is all connected.
And everything comes out of it.
[not “comes out of”, maybe “is made of”. Words, words, words, I can’t describe it.]
Can it be this simple?

There have been times in my life when I have been scared to look at this. And I have called it “depression” and avoided looking at it.
In more recent years, I came to realise that there was nothing to fear in what I had called depression. And allowed myself to be okay with this nothingness.
I had realised that “depression” was just a story I put on this feeling. And I had found a way to reframe it.
But there was nothing quite like what I am feeling now.
I am amazed to realise that this same feeling is what I have been looking for all along.

Sitting on the train was interesting.
We usually all just get out our phones and avoid each other and occupy our minds.
I had no desire to occupy my mind.
I just wanted to be with the nothingness.
I closed my eyes, and what usually feels like a long boring trip home, felt amazing. What a privilege to be able to just sit there and be.

It was when I got home, in this room, alone, that I really felt it.
The expansiveness of it.
All connected, all pervasive
And the universe of sensations, and perceptions and thoughts within it

Is there a “you” anywhere in the raw experiencing right now?

No.
Experiences rise up/appear/emerge from the nothingness.
Thoughts are just another thing rising up within it, and they whirl around.
“You” as you call it is just a particular pattern of thought. That includes some kind of reference to identity. But it is just something here, part of the experience.

What is missing, when there is no story?

Nothing is missing.
Nothing is not missing , nothing is right here and imminent.
The story was just an attempt to try to explain it.
But it is an incomplete and inadequate attempt.
Nothing is not missing anything. It is all right here.

Is there an actual self? Or is that just a fading echo of thought?

No, there is not, but not a “fading echo” either.
The thoughts are still here. The reference to identity is still within them, and I am still quite interested in that as an abstract concept.
But the thought has no hold on me.
There is a feeling of being “held within” that is quite lovely.
But it is more like an idea of compassion or love towards the sense of self
(And perhaps this is still another story sneaking in)

Where exactly is the one who “has” this experience?

I need to keep exploring this.
When I say “need”, I don’t mean it as a “desire” it is just what I want to do now.
It feels like there is a kind of perspective, that is aware of the experience.
And it feels like there is a kind of creative energy, that the experience rises out of, that may be conscious, and I am interested to explore that more, but that is beyond me.
Where is it?
Exactly?
Everywhere.

If “there is nothing,” is there a problem with that?
Does something need to be added?
Or is this—plain, unadorned—enough?

No problem at all.
No somethings need to be added. (Although the somethings can also be quite interesting in their own way)
It is more than enough.

I admit when I try to write the words, they feel a bit empty.
Indeed there are expansive spaces of nothingness between them.

There is so much more to explore.
But I feel like a powerful shift has happened here.

Please tell me Becca if I am just telling myself another story.
(Allow me this one final bastion of doubt 🤣)

Shane