Help!

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

what if I just want to experience presence without thoughts for an extended period of time?
Who is that?
Who is the one who wants?

Can that wanting itself be seen as just another thought… arising in presence?

Absolutely. I have to tell you that currently this body has been in pain with arthritis, and it does color my experience at times. My attempt to let go of the pain comes and goes. Another story?
So yes, the wanting itself is another thought...and it is arising in the moment as so is the bodily discomfort that plays on my mind and experience. And yes, I am aware that this is just another story! I don't know who is the one that wants.

It’s tricky, isn’t it? Because it feels like a sincere spiritual desire. But if you look, it’s still thought saying “This moment is not quite it yet. Something more peaceful should be happening.”

Yes, it's tricky! It does feel like something easier and peaceful should be happening when that is what one is concentrating on. And that means staying present and wanting to be in the moment and accepting what is, also a thought?

Does thought make any contact with other kinds of sense experience, such as sounds or sensations – or are they totally separate from each other?

They are completely separate from sensations; they appear on their own!

Is there a “you” who should be further along? Is that even possible?
What is this self that is “impatient”? Where is it?

Is wanting to become more in the present without thought possible? That is the focus here. I cannot disregard the ego as it has been controlling most of this existence. Wanting money and love have been a motivating desire. My understanding is that those are thoughts. My impatience comes from discontent with this body that affects my mind and my experience.

What in your actual experience proves that anyone else is unconscious?
Look in your experience. Not your thoughts, not your memories. Right now.

When I'm talking about unconscious humans, I'm including myself in this statement!
Hatred, fear, and lost in thought to me means being unaware of what is actually happening.
I don't have hatred, but I do get fearful at times, and I do get lost in thought about past and future events just like most people I come into contact with or witness.

So what is here now, without reaching forward or backward?

Physical sensations and thought! And what is!

Are you willing to let the whole story burn?

I am willing to let the whole story burn! Yes, up in flames is good! All I can do is keep at it and not give up! And be determined. But isn't that another story? Another thought?

Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

Hi Porky,

You’re doing it. This is the story burning. Not the belief in a better state, The willingness to stand inside the contradiction and not flinch.

I don’t know who is the one that wants.

Stay there.Not knowing is not a gap to be filled. It’s the end of pretending.
Let the wanting arise. Let the pain arise. Let the spiritual ambition arise. But look: can any of it be traced back to an owner?

My attempt to let go of the pain comes and goes. Another story?

Yes, and the beauty is that you see it. That’s what matters. Let go of “letting go.”
Pain happens. It is. Thought reacts. Identity tries to wrap around it. But still… what is actually here?
Sensation.
Thought.
Space.
Presence.

All happening. None of it needing a self.

It does feel like something easier and peaceful should be happening when that is what one is concentrating on.

Yes, and that too is part of what’s arising. A thought saying: “This isn’t it.”
It doesn’t need to be stopped. Just seen for what it is.

Can peace include even that voice?
Can presence INCLUDE the feeling of not being present?

They are completely separate from sensations; they appear on their own!

YES. This is important.

Thought is not touching sensation, it’s not connected in any real way. It’s only claiming ownership, trying to make meaning after the fact. And when you see that clearly, the whole house of cards begins to fall.

My impatience comes from discontent with this body that affects my mind and my experience.

Yes, the body has sensations and the mind tells a story about what it means.
Let that be okay.
Don’t bypass it. Don’t try to replace it with “spiritual clarity.”
Let it be like this, and still… Look.

Is there an “I” who is impatient?
Or is there just:
Sensation.
A story.
A push for resolution.

Is anything missing from this moment?

Even now, with pain, thought, and longing… what’s absent? Anything?

I am willing to let the whole story burn! Yes, up in flames is good!

:)

Great. Let the whole structure collapse: the pain and confusion, and even the spiritual hopes, the roles, the watcher, the seeker, the one who says “I’ll keep at it.”

Even “I am willing to let the story burn” yes, that too is a thought. But when it’s seen as thought, it doesn’t bind. Itnever was anything but an echo.

So now what?
Nothing.
Let it burn.
Let sensation be here.
Let thought appear.
Let the mind ache for more.
Let presence hold all of it.

There’s nowhere else to be.

Much love,
Becca

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

I don’t know who is the one that wants.
Stay there.Not knowing is not a gap to be filled. It’s the end of pretending.
Let the wanting arise. Let the pain arise. Let the spiritual ambition arise. But look: can any of it be traced back to an owner?

I don't know how to answer that question. There are times when thoughts just pop into my head without encouragement, where there is no owner. Then there are other times, I must think in the present to solve a problem. I'm not clear on WHO owns these thoughts.

My attempt to let go of the pain comes and goes. Another story?
Yes, and the beauty is that you see it. That’s what matters. Let go of “letting go.”
Pain happens. It is. Thought reacts. Identity tries to wrap around it. But still… what is actually here?
Sensation.
Thought.

I do see that most conversation with others contain mostly stories, stories about the past and sometimes of the future.
Even when I'm in the midst of a conversation, my mind now says, aha talking a story about the past!
Yes, sensations are here, and thoughts are also.

It does feel like something easier and peaceful should be happening when that is what one is concentrating on.
Yes, and that too is part of what’s arising. A thought saying: “This isn’t it.”
It doesn’t need to be stopped. Just seen for what it is.

Can peace include even that voice?
Can presence INCLUDE the feeling of not being present?

It seems there are levels of peace. I could feel somewhat peaceful and then the feeling can be interrupted by an event such as a bodily pain or a fearful feeling arising. Then a few deep breathes and the peace might begin again.
Yes, the voice can include peace.

No, the feeling of presence cannot include not being present. Because not being present would be lost in thought of past and/or future.

My impatience comes from discontent with this body that affects my mind and my experience.
Yes, the body has sensations and the mind tells a story about what it means.
Let that be okay.
Don’t bypass it. Don’t try to replace it with “spiritual clarity.”
Let it be like this, and still… Look.

Is there an “I” who is impatient?
Or is there just:
Sensation.
A story.
A push for resolution.

Is anything missing from this moment?

Even now, with pain, thought, and longing… what’s absent? Anything?

It seems like there is an "I" who is impatient, the sensations are related to bodily changes that seem to affect the mental, yet true this is another story, but isn't that what life is about? Story after story. Porky has to THINK about what he says to Becca, true it's honest thinking and present feelings, but still a story!

There is nothing missing from this moment. Everything is here.
There is nothing absent!

So now what?
Nothing.
Let it burn.
Let sensation be here.
Let thought appear.
Let the mind ache for more.
Let presence hold all of it.

Yes, just let it burn and be here now!
Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

I don't know how to answer that question. There are times when thoughts just pop into my head without encouragement, where there is no owner. Then there are other times, I must think in the present to solve a problem. I'm not clear on WHO owns these thoughts

Let that not-knowing stay wide open. Let it expose how much of thought is just movement without an owner.
Even the thoughts that solve problems—are they really owned?

Do they arise by command? Or do they just come when they come, like a breath, like a blink?

What if none of it is owned??
Not the pain, the peace, the clarity. the confusion.

Just this endless arising—without a center.

It seems like there is an "I" who is impatient, the sensations are related to bodily changes that seem to affect the mental, yet true this is another story, but isn't that what life is about? Story after story

Can a story arise—without believing it’s about someone?

Not trying to erase it.
Not rejecting the content.
Just seeing: it’s a movement, not a message. It doesn’t mean anything about you. There’s no “you” in it.

Porky has to THINK about what he says to Becca, true it's honest thinking and present feelings, but still a story!

Haha perfect.
So, look around! What is here now that is not a story? That just comes with no hall monitor or translator?

Much love,
Becca

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

Let that not-knowing stay wide open. Let it expose how much of thought is just movement without an owner.
Even the thoughts that solve problems—are they really owned?

I see my thoughts as mostly "On their own". It would be difficult to say they are owned by me! Especially when they appear out of nowhere and I become quizzical as to where they even came from. Like a dream!

Do they arise by command? Or do they just come when they come, like a breath, like a blink?

Yes, mostly just pop into my head without commanding them. They do just come on their own most of the time.

What if none of it is owned??

That's okay with me! The idea here is to get to the truth. No matter what that means. To be able to distinguish who if anyone owns anything!

It seems like there is an "I" who is impatient, the sensations are related to bodily changes that seem to affect the mental, yet true this is another story, but isn't that what life is about? Story after story
Can a story arise—without believing it’s about someone?

Yes, a story could arise about a tree or a fish. It doesn't have to be about someone. The story can be about everything going on around me, but then I'm not necessarily included. That makes the story about what is at that moment.

So, look around! What is here now that is not a story? That just comes with no hall monitor or translator?

When I look, for instance at nature, a fish in a pond swimming, Or get a scent of perfume from a passing person or touch a cold drink that has ice in the glass. These are examples of NO story, just sensations.

With much appreciation, Porky

[graceabounds]

Hello Porky,

This is clear seeing. Not conceptually, but viscerally. The machinery’s still running, but you’re not mistaking it for you anymore..

mostly just pop into my head without commanding them. They do just come on their own most of the time.

Has there ever been a thought that wasn’t like this?

Even the ones that say “I decided” or “I planned”—do they arrive any differently?

Or are those thoughts just part of the story of control?

The idea here is to get to the truth. No matter what that means.

Bravo, yes!

But “getting to the truth” can subtly smuggle in a new seeker:
The one who wants to own truth.
The one who wants to get there.

So keep checking:
Who wants to get to the truth?
Is that also just thought arising?

When I look, for instance at nature, a fish in a pond swimming, Or get a scent of perfume from a passing person or touch a cold drink that has ice in the glass. These are examples of NO story, just sensations.

Beautiful.

1. Go outside or sit quietly inside.
2. Look at one thing, without naming it.
3. Let it be just what it is.
4. As thoughts arise, don’t stop them, just ask: Does this thought require a self?

Much love,
Becca

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

mostly just pop into my head without commanding them. They do just come on their own most of the time.
Has there ever been a thought that wasn’t like this?

No. Thoughts always are own their own especially because half the time I'm shaking my head saying to myself, where did that thought come from? I don't know is the response.

Even the ones that say “I decided” or “I planned”—do they arrive any differently?
Assuming there is no 'I" there is no difference, they just show up. Where thoughts come from is a mystery!

Or are those thoughts just part of the story of control?

yes, ultimately, it's all part of a greater story. Why or how is too much thinking!

1. Go outside or sit quietly inside.
2. Look at one thing, without naming it.
3. Let it be just what it is.
4. As thoughts arise, don’t stop them, just ask: Does this thought require a self?

I went down to a waterfall and just watched the water cascading through the rocks. Concentrated on that for 10 minutes. When thoughts came up, I didn't stop them, and my attention would go back to the waterfall.
Asking myself does this thought require a self? I would have to say no. During the observation of the waterfall there was little thought just listening and seeing!

[graceabounds]

Really beautiful. :)

Why or how is too much thinking!

Haha, yes. The end of the line for the stories is just resting in the unknowable… and when the one who needed to know and figure it all out fades away, there is just this.

When you were watching the waterfall…
Was there someone doing the watching?
Or just… watching?

Who is seeing?
Look.
Can you find a seer?
Or is that just another thought arising after the looking?

Is there anything left to figure out?

What does the “you” want now?
Anything?

Or is this it?

Isn’t it always only this?

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

When you were watching the waterfall…
Was there someone doing the watching?
Or just… watching?

More like some thing doing the watching! I'm clear on that point, as seeing has changed from what it was before! And yes, it seemed like watching was going on, but the question is who or what?

Who is seeing?
Look.
Can you find a seer?
Or is that just another thought arising after the looking?

This is a sticky point for me! I don't know what or who is seeing anymore! It doesn't have a label! Could it be another thought? Very possibly.
Cannot find a seeker or a seer.

Is there anything left to figure out?

My mind and ego says, YES, plenty to figure out as there is no evidence of anything solid.
My being says, keep looking and you will find your precious evidence that IS conclusive.

What does the “you” want now?
Anything?

The YOU wants more experiences to verify it doesn't exist! This programmed entity will continue to fight until it is shown absolute proof that it is not in control.

Or is this it?
No this is not it! As I keep looking (and using all my senses) bit by bit, it seems the concrete is being chipped away!

Isn’t it always only this?

Yes, it is always just this! There is nothing more but this moment!

Best Wishes, Porky

[graceabounds]

Very good. :)

I don't know what or who is seeing anymore! It doesn't have a label! Could it be another thought? Very possibly.
Cannot find a seeker or a seer.

Good. Let it stay unlabeled.
There is seeing.
There is no one seeing.
Let that contradiction stand.

The YOU wants more experiences to verify it doesn't exist!

Haha, brilliantly said.

The self wants to experience its non-existence. It wants to witness its own funeral. But it can’t. Because what dies never sees the dying. It just stops appearing.

Who wants verification?
Is that also just a thought?

Yes, it is always just this! There is nothing more but this moment!

There’s no other moment coming. Even the sense that “this isn’t it”—that, too, is just this.

What remains now is soaked into everything: your movements, your speech, your noticing. There’s no wrapping this up, there just is living it… but here is where words are getting tricky… there is no division between the liver and the living, it is one thing.

Is there anywhere left to stand?

Can you find a position, any position, from which life is being lived?

Look.

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

The self wants to experience its non-existence. It wants to witness its own funeral. But it can’t. Because what dies never sees the dying. It just stops appearing.

Who wants verification?

I don't know who wants verification! It's just what makes sense to me at this time. My education is in science. In that study what is seen, heard and felt is evidence. Without evidence it's still in the state of Theory until proven to be a fact!

Is that also just a thought?

It could be a thought, but it's also a feeling. Something saying to me, continue to look to see and feel. Keep doing that until it becomes crystal clear as to what is real!

Is there anywhere left to stand?

Can you find a position, any position, from which life is being lived?

I'm not sure how to answer that! Life seems to just go on with its joys, successes and failures, trials and tribulations! As if there is no one in control except a higher force called What Is! Teaching us lessons as we get strung along, with the illusion of free will. Which does appear to be somewhat out of our control including decision making processes whether we know it or not, like it or dislike it, love it or hate it! Yes, keep looking and asking questions is my motto!

[graceabounds]

Without evidence it's still in the state of Theory until proven to be a fact!

So how does one prove/disprove Santa Claus? Is this possible outside of the mechanism of thought with which it is created and believed?

Life seems to just go on with its joys, successes and failures, trials and tribulations! As if there is no one in control except a higher force called What Is!

Yes to the first part of that. But the second part: Is that true? Or is that just a softer version of the self-story?

A higher force… teaching us lessons… that there is somewhere to get to…

Is there any proof, in direct experience, that life has a lesson plan?

Or is life just happening… without meaning, without narrative, without ownership?


WHO needs to know how it all works?

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

So how does one prove/disprove Santa Claus? Is this possible outside of the mechanism of thought with which it is created and believed?

We are told Santa Claus is a real thing when we are children. Our parents programmed us to believe this as fact! When your father gets dressed up as Santa and parades around with gifts and you are 3 years old, then this appears as fact. Until something happens to change the way we looked at this falseness. So yes, Santa was always just a thought, but it certainly appeared to be fact until the truth was revealed. The experience of that truth revealed escapes me and my memory is blocked from that actual happening, therefore this being will not see the truth. Is that the same as what we are talking about here? The truth of the NO self being hidden with the disguise of thought so the truth cannot be revealed. Oh, the ego would suffer greatly if this truth were actually experienced on a full-time basis. LOL.

Yes to the first part of that. But the second part: Is that true? Or is that just a softer version of the self-story?

It may be part of the self-story, I'm not sure! Yet life seems very contrived to me. And not random. As if there is a higher force controlling my existence that I have very little if any control. Ego steps in and tries to make choices but ultimately a conclusion happens that is not always planned by this individual. Confusing? YES!

A higher force… teaching us lessons… that there is somewhere to get to…

Is there any proof, in direct experience, that life has a lesson plan?

Yes, there appears to be proof from experience of a plan to become more conscious! All I have to do is look at how my life and self were when I was younger and what I've learned in this life. One could say evolved somewhat from who I was then to who I am now! And that is my experience! Is that not a greater plan? Or is that just random? It seems to me to be some kind of path set out that is already in place with a bit of wiggle room but resulting in the same ending no matter what! That is preconceived and planned!

Or is life just happening… without meaning, without narrative, without ownership?

Life is definitely just happening. Without meaning maybe but that would indicate nothing means anything! That would also mean this life has no meaning!

Without narrative or a story? Again possibly. Life is filled with story! Until we pull ourselves away from the story and what do we have left? Sensations and thought? I'm okay with that! The egoic mind is so strong that sometimes lost in thought is inevitable! Staying in the moment and present 100% of the time would be something special that only time will tell if that is something that can be accomplished!

Without ownership? Definitely! I don't own this life! Too many experiences tell me that!

WHO needs to know how it all works?

No one needs to know how it all works. Because ultimately it doesn't matter in the great scheme of things! What difference does it make! None.

Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

Hello dear Porky,

No one needs to know how it all works. Because ultimately it doesn't matter in the great scheme of things! What difference does it make! None

That’s it.

The storyteller is exhausted, but not dead. :) The ego is laughing, but also terrified. You’re watching the burning-down of your own mythology, and you still think there’s something left to uncover.

There isn’t!

So yes, Santa was always just a thought, but it certainly appeared to be fact until the truth was revealed

Exactly. And when it was seen clearly there was no mystical download, just a simple, direct: “Oh. That was never real.”

No one needed to go back and argue with ‘Santa’. You didn’t need evidence. Just one clean seeing. And that was it.

Can the same be true for the self?
Not proven.
Not disproven.
Just seen through.

So…
Where is the one who wants to become more conscious?
(Not in the story of your past, in raw experience—can that entity be found?)

Yes, there appears to be proof from experience of a plan to become more conscious! All I have to do is look at how my life and self were when I was younger and what I've learned in this life. One could say evolved somewhat from who I was then to who I am now

Beautiful story.

Is that story here if it’s not told?
If you don’t believe in growth, does anything collapse?

Without meaning maybe but that would indicate nothing means anything! That would also mean this life has no meaning!

Yes. Not “nothing matters” in despair, but nothing needs to matter.

Can you feel the freedom in that?
Everything happening. Nothing owed. Nothing to become. Nothing to earn. Just this, endlessly and beautifully appearing… for no one.

Life is filled with story! Until we pull ourselves away from the story and what do we have left? Sensations and thought? I'm okay with that!

Almost. Drop the question mark.
We have sensations and thought. That’s it.

And no one owns them.
No one is doing them.
They are just… happening. Like the waterfall.

Can this moment be enough… if it means nothing?

Can this thought, this sensation, this breath, be complete, even if no plan follows it?

Much love,
Becca

[Porky]

Aloha Becca,

The storyteller is exhausted, but not dead. :) The ego is laughing, but also terrified. You’re watching the burning-down of your own mythology, and you still think there’s something left to uncover.

I'm doing my best NOT to think and just let everything unfold, as I don't understand anything I see! There doesn't seem to be anything left to uncover. It's become comical this reality. With all its stress and drive and ego driven dribble. Nothing seems to mean anything until it does. Then I recognize my own dribble as the nonsense spews from my mouth also.

No one needed to go back and argue with ‘Santa’. You didn’t need evidence. Just one clean seeing. And that was it.

Can the same be true for the self?
Not proven.
Not disproven.
Just seen through.

I know I'm repeating myself, but everything does look different to me especially if I stay in the moment and tell myself to stay present. It's difficult to put into words and say something about self! Comparing it to the Santa analogy is difficult for me, yet I haven't felt a clean seeing that the self doesn't exist in those terms. Something is very different how I see the world and its happenings. Can I attribute that to no self? If not to what? I don't know!

So…
Where is the one who wants to become more conscious?
(Not in the story of your past, in raw experience—can that entity be found?)

In this moment, there is no one that exists to try and become more conscious, unless I start thinking about it!
Then the questions begin: If there is no chase to evolve then what am I here for? I cannot find an entity, just some sort of energy that has no name.

Yes, there appears to be proof from experience of a plan to become more conscious! All I have to do is look at how my life and self were when I was younger and what I've learned in this life. One could say evolved somewhat from who I was then to who I am now
Beautiful story.

Is that story here if it’s not told?
If you don’t believe in growth, does anything collapse?

That story is like the saying "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it still make a sound?"
Without a listener there is no sound or story in this case! From a physical standpoint nothing collapses.

Without meaning maybe but that would indicate nothing means anything! That would also mean this life has no meaning!
Yes. Not “nothing matters” in despair, but nothing needs to matter.

Can you feel the freedom in that?
Everything happening. Nothing owed. Nothing to become. Nothing to earn. Just this, endlessly and beautifully appearing… for no one.

Yes, I can feel the freedom, the peace, the love! Without the need to accomplish or be something which is seemingly always there.

Life is filled with story! Until we pull ourselves away from the story and what do we have left? Sensations and thought? I'm okay with that!
Almost. Drop the question mark.
We have sensations and thought. That’s it.

And no one owns them.
No one is doing them.
They are just… happening. Like the waterfall.

Can this moment be enough… if it means nothing?

Can this thought, this sensation, this breath, be complete, even if no plan follows it?

No plans are needed.
Because I see a meaningless world unfolding in front of me and I know it doesn't mean anything, my egoic drives will soon enough take a back seat to THIS....

Mahalo for your continued support it is truly a blessing,
Porky