1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
As for 'myself', staying with the present, I try go there and there is nothing, just...empty movement. Was there ever a self? No, there's been lots of stories though, lots of arisings that
said they were sticking together, but when you look, they weren't. I still would say that, if I were in a room with someone else, I would speak of 'that' person and 'this' person. But now it's like, closer, you see the smile first, the rhythm.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The separate self starts when others refer to 'me' as me, and so I refer to myself as I. This unquestioned assumption builds upon its non-real foundation (so in truth, no building at all) and carries on as merely a
presumptive idea. It's like two hands pushing against each other in space, but when you zoom out there's no wrists or arms, and so they are a complete paradox and can't be, there is no one doing the pushing, it is a completely unreal and false contraction. Now, I look at find nothing, empty moving.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before we started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
I have been on this journey a while, and it's been more and more 'intense' (though not experientially) recently, with LU being the non-end, it seems. What is the difference? It's so difficult to articulate. Let's take a tree or plant. Before I didn't really see it, like it was half there. Now, it's absolutely there, pristine, done. I could look at
anything for hours and hours, everything is utterly miraculous. I'm just lighter in a way that has nothing to do with cause.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look? Was there a moment of shift with a distinct before and after?
I don't think I can pinpoint anything specifically. When it happened it can't have been 'experience' in the usual sense as then I would have created a story of the self for it. And so, it just Is, acausal, you clear away, get open, and one day you're walking or sitting or pausing and it's like an empty wind of quiet blew everything away, nothing has changed, and everything is different.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. Consider and describe each if these separately.
Decisions: I had chicken, rice, and salad for dinner, all of the possible thoughts that could have been ontop or around this wouldn't have changed it. It was.
Intention: When I go walking, the feet walk where they walk. Intention is after the turn.
Free will: Complete red herring! There is presence and no
one to will, it's all just happening.
Choice: There is presence and there will either be tea or coffee, but that's the future, not real. I'll see when I get there when it Is.
Control: Like I said, my feet go where they go, as do these words, as do my hands. How can I control anything when I am not? It'd be like wind trying to control space itself, it makes no sense.
6) What makes things happen? How does it work?
There is presence. Things arise...spontaneously, that's the closest word, but that's still too controlling. Things are when it Is.
How does it work? Beats me!
7) What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
At most, simply what Is. Perhaps 'engagement', but even then, it will just be.
8) Anything to add?
Just gratitude, absolutely overflowing gratitude for you, Becca! I'm sure this will all 'seep deeper' and the gradualness will dissipate into that beautiful nothingness somehow, paradoxically, moreso. But for now, thank you thank you thank you!
