Hello Vince,
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
- No, there is or was never. I know and experience that clearly now. Sometimes more "clearly" than other times, I see to flip flop between passing states/thoughts of how or intense I sense this.
2) Describe how the illusion of an independent, self came into being by giving examples from actual experience.
- My first experiences, main topic and pain as a child were connected to my father being absent. I then claimed/owned this identity as a fatherless child, not good enough and abanadoned at age 1 as my story that I ran with for 48 years. I see now (with no judgment) how this perceived story and illusion came into being and how the foundation for the suffering was created in my mind. Plus I see how I took and made it personal. I also realise how and why I then', created and identified with more "better" stories to compensate for the more "bad" stories. The illusion also came into being (or was reinforced) by what I called life changing and traumatic events like; losing loved ones (suicides being prominent), accidents, politics and violence in my country and many forms of relationships that I attached "myself" to completely.
Then give some experiential examples of how life changed for you after seeing through this illusion.
- I am no really sure what changed. It could be splashes of acceptance for what is and how it is, random moments of happiness with no real "cause" and experiencing how feelings dissapate or "move on" when I simply observe them with no attachment. It also like the "gap" between my reaction time to feelings/thoughts have increased and this gives me sense of control because I then (I think I do) react from the heart and not from a place of fear or memory.
I now clearly see the character that I was playing out, like in crystal clear. So this made me realise how we are all playing out a character and story. I find it fascinating and weird to see this in people. And this new perspective generated a sense of compassion or understanding that I can't yet fully explain.
I also eased off this "Mr. Spiritual" personality that I also subsequently created trying to figure out life.
3) How does it feel to see this?
- It feels obvious. It feels light and peaceful.
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
- Before the dialogue I genuinely saw and believed my stories as mine, something that I own and will always carry with me as heavy luggage. I struggled to just love anything and be still. The difference now is an absense (or immensely less) of identification with my thoughts. Currently it borders on an almost no care attitude, but in a caring way towards myself if that makes sense?
4) Can you remember any specific inquiry that resulted in an epiphany? ..a before and after seeing the actuality of the Self. Was there a point when you ‘got it’?
- There was a moment where the "conditions" were ripe for me to go into the usual "thought runaway train" mode. Instead of feeding it like usual, I just witnessed it as passing clouds with no judgment, fear or a desired outcome. I've heard this "passing cloud" saying for many years but this time something clicked while seeing/knowing it from directed experience. It struck me then how easy it passed and then it hit me; the simple "act" of witnessing and not identifying with my thoughts at all, resulted in a state of peace in my core being. It was that simple, nothing fancy at all:) I also dit not want/expect/longed/wished for a result, it just happened naturally. The specific inquiry that opened up the cracks for me was when you pointed out how I kept spinning stories about myself. At first it irritated me that you keep saying that I keep telling yet more stories. So I witnessed the irritation and pretended for a while that you might actually have a point.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control.
- This is difficult to descibe as my mind wants to give definitions. Right now I am producing a large event that has' to start at a certain date and time, so I am first hand experiencing: 1. How my decisions now will affect the outcome. I can only take decisions in line with what feel to be the better choice at that moment. 2. My intention is for this event to run as seamlessly as best I can in accordance to expectations by client. But I see these intentions are just memory structured and perhaps also from experience. 3. As things might go "wrong", I have free will to present then, like now, to assess the situation and act from the heart. 4. I see choices as a mind tool to try' and navigate life in all its randomness. I might have lots of, or zero choices. And how will the end unfold? Who knows? 5. Control is something that my mind believes I "have" over something. I can only be in control of something/someone or some event until I am not in control anymore, aka life that is just happening now.
What makes things happen?
- Mostly I have no idea. It just happens.
How does it work?
- Things just happen as they should.
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how these things happen and how they work.
- In the past year I lived out some kind of spiritual path, I started seeking actively. Why did I start this? Because I was drawn to investigate another way to live/be as I felt disconnected from life. I had no idea what to do or where to start. I just "knew" I wanted to start with something. Magical things then just started happening.
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
- I dont believe I know how this works. I somehow wake up in the morning, feel that I am alive and remember the "role" I need to play in this moment and plane.
b) What are you responsible for?
- Now I am responsible for witnessing my thoughts and perhaps constantly "checking in" gently if my actions and words are somehow in line with love to others and myself.
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
- When something new arrises I try to establish from where and how I react from. I dont always get it "right" where I would after go; why did I do or say that in that situation? I try to see this as learning and not self punishment as I go. Currently a good example of what I am responsible for would be that I need to follow my diet very strickly after I was in hospital. I feel that I am responsible for what I put in my body as it is something I can physically manage plus it gives me obvious health results. I am not responsible for life happening and other peoples actions/words.
6) Anything to add?
- Nothing at this stage.
Thank you,
Coenraad
