Would like help seeing through the illusion

[instadrew]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
My understanding (which I have seen through somewhat) is that we tend to be unknowingly entranced/fascinated/distracted by a mostly unconscious belief/feeling of being a separate/independent individual that developed gradually from body sensations, perceptions, and psychological reactions to experiences. This identity is made from thought (unreal).

What are you looking for at LU?
I would like help with seeing/understanding very clearly and precisely how I continue to be unknowingly entranced/fascinated/distracted by this psychological/fictitious self. I would like help distinguishing the mind from awareness. Naively, it would seem that the unreality of a separate self should be obvious, but so far it still isn't most of the time. It would seem to me that the right kind of pointing should be able to clear this misunderstanding/misperception up quickly since awareness-ing is happening all the time whereas the experience of the separate self, being made from sensations/perceptions/memories, is not always present, or present in the same way....and plus, all of these are things, and I'm not sure how things could be aware of themselves.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I would like a guide who is completely clear on the fiction of the separate self and is very skilled at speaking in an embodied and skillful way that is attuned to the specific misconceptions/difficulties being presented. I would like a guide who can point directly to what is not being seen/understood from a completely clear point of view. I'm not looking at all for an ideology or set of beliefs, but for help with seeing/knowing experience without it being contaminated by the idea of an owner of the experience.

I would prefer to engage in direct pointing via video/zoom rather than by email, but will do email if necessary. If a guide such as I described is in the Boston MA area and is available to meet in person, I would be up for that as well.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
My seeking started almost accidentally after the death of a friend in 1999. Something mysterious and compelling seemed to happen to him over the many months he was dying. I had no background for understanding it, but it moved me very strongly. I read some books, started seeing a psychotherapist, read some more books, and then joined a gradual approach inner work group (namely, the Ridhwan school...but I didn't know anything about gradual versus direct approaches at the time). Practices with this group included various kinds of meditation, inquiry into present experience, and mindfulness practices. The inquiry practice was not "self-inquiry" in the Advaita sense, but more an open ended inquiry into what the actuality of the present experience in the moment was and how it changed upon recognizing it. It was helpful in some ways, but often could feel kind of aimless. I attended more workshops and retreats with this group than I could ever remember. I was a member of this group for about 14 years.

Early during this time, one of the teachers read passages from Nisargadatta Maharaj's "I AM THAT", and I was immediately mesmerized by it. I was also introduced to Adyashanti by a fellow student. Since then I have read many books by Nisargadatta, Ramana Maharshi, and Adyashanti. I have listened to countless hours of Adyashanti recordings and have attended several Adyashanti week-long retreats.

I left my gradual approach group back around 2016 because it seemed to become very abstract and I was not getting anything out of it. I also had started working with another psychotherapist a few years earlier to get help with a lot of childhood relational trauma, and that seemed to be more important then anyway. I worked with the psychotherapist for about 10 years (there was a lot of stuff to get through).

During the early Covid pandemic, and being isolated (I live alone) I re-picked up the first Jed McKenna book, which I had tried to read some years earlier, but which didn't appeal to me then. For whatever reason, it suddenly grabbed my attention and I quickly read all of his books. I also started reading books by Rupert Spira, Francis Lucille, Michael Langford, Ilona Cuinaite's “Liberation Unleashed” book, and others. I also resumed working privately with a teacher from the gradual approach school with an emphasis on inquiring in as much of a self-inquiry "atma vichara" kind of way as possible. I also resumed my meditation practice several years ago. For the past couple of years I have been paying attention, as much as possible throughout the day, to the sense of what it is that is knowing the experiences that are being known, and the simple knowing of knowing.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 11

[Luchana]

Hi Andrew,
Posting here for the other folks to know that we are already in communication and will try video guiding.

L.