doubt

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buddhawarrior
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doubt

Postby buddhawarrior » Mon Oct 10, 2011 3:25 pm

Hi, i think i'm liberated, but am not sure. I have seen the truth in many meditations, many books, many youtube videos of enlightened ones. I know the truth but there is always just a tiny bit of doubt.

I have to constantly remind myself. I go back into mantra, to cut the distractions, but the karma is strong. Am i just biding the time till my karma wears off, which might not happen in this life time. and until then, just continue to mantra and live?

I try and get into debates with atheists and non-believers because I think deep down I want to test my knowledge. If it is the truth, then i should win the argument, right? but since there it is only the ego looking to win, I am just observing and remaining unattached to the result. But something is attached to the result. it is just the identification with that something i'm not totally detached from.

I read often that liberation is nothing more than waking up to normal life. Nothing special happens, life continues. I can't help wonder if i'm missing something.

Please help.

Thank you,
Thomas

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Richard B.
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Re: doubt

Postby Richard B. » Mon Oct 10, 2011 5:35 pm

what is the understanding of "emptiness" ?

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buddhawarrior
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Re: doubt

Postby buddhawarrior » Fri Oct 14, 2011 3:43 am

Oops, Sorry richard, I didn't receive an email of a reply, didn't check the box. Sorry for the delay.

I'm ready now.

Thank you for your response.

What is emptiness, seems like a silly question. But that's just a word, and defining it is just attaching more words to something undefinable. However, my day to day experience is never empty. It's filled with attachment and desire and ignorance. I have had many "merge" experiences, and have my mantra to keep my mind clear through the day, but the "pain " of daily living doesn't stop. every morning I wake up and my back hurts. Yes, the pain is not me, and I can just not identify with it, but the back still hurts. Yes i desire for my back to not hurt, and I realize it's a desire, and the pain of the desire exists, and again, no identification, but the hurt doesn't go away. I just laugh at it and continue. But still, I desire for no pain.

Then I go to work, every little bit of the day can be processed in the same way. It's just all so tiring.

What am I missing?

I just want to give it all up and sit on a mountain, or join an ashram, but i know that will just be more of the same. So I go through day to day, knowing that I am in my ashram of life. Am I just biding my time? Is all the hindu philosophy I love and hold true just more meaningless story telling?

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Richard B.
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Re: doubt

Postby Richard B. » Fri Oct 14, 2011 3:20 pm

bw, lets continue with the following questions:

What is the intrinsic part of buddhawarrior that could be shown to be buddhawarrior?

What is the self and how does it work?

How could this be described to somebody who had never heard of no self before?


We will discuss doubt later, but lets iron the above questions out nice and neat. Ok?

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buddhawarrior
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Re: doubt

Postby buddhawarrior » Fri Oct 14, 2011 3:36 pm

no one is there. no pilot driving the self, just self happening.

I'm sitting here, watching my thoughts. Multiple threads all providing answers, questions, doubt, at the same time. All angling to be heard and right. But no thinker, thoughts arise, out of the abyss. No physical location for thinker. not between the eyes, not in my chest, not in my gut, nothing, no physical thing. Just more thoughts of self, physical identity, mental identity.

Yet so clearly there is a self that has to get in the car right now and drive to work. Can't take the day off. Have to be responsible? despaire, want, desire, sloth, feeling very tired.

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Richard B.
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Re: doubt

Postby Richard B. » Fri Oct 14, 2011 5:06 pm

You started the thread by stating you thought you were "liberated" but were not sure.

What are your expectations of realizing the illusion of self?

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buddhawarrior
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Re: doubt

Postby buddhawarrior » Fri Oct 14, 2011 7:30 pm

I suppose there's an expectation of lightness of heart. More humor, a constant state of "highness".

But at the same time, I intuitively grasp that there is no one here to be high or have humor or feel light. I see that it's just more thoughts and more attachment to ideas and ego.

I want it all to be a little easier, maybe.

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Richard B.
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Re: doubt

Postby Richard B. » Fri Oct 14, 2011 8:25 pm

bw in order to get through this, there must be 100% honesty and effort in all of your answers. "i suppose" is not enough. "maybe" is not enough. Please be clear with what your expectations are. It might very well be those expectations that are stopping you from realizing.

What do you expect to happen when the illusion of self is realized??

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buddhawarrior
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doubt

Postby buddhawarrior » Sat Oct 15, 2011 2:38 am

I expected to have magical powers and be in ecstasy at all times. I expected bliss and ease and knowledge. I expected not to have to work for money and have the charisma to lead people.

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buddhawarrior
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doubt

Postby buddhawarrior » Sat Oct 15, 2011 2:41 am

The bliss experienced during my drug induced unitive meditations where I joined with the Devine. I expected that the meditative and mantra practices would get me back to that high.

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Re: doubt

Postby Richard B. » Sun Oct 16, 2011 3:56 pm

Realizing no self is only a truth. There can be other things along the way and after also, but what we are pointing at is no self and that's all. Ego is trying to add to itself and looks for experience to do that.

Drop these expectations and examine where you are, where can you be found?

If you cannot be found, what are you still looking for?

No self is just a truth...just like "oh i see, that's what it is."

Dig in and see, what is it/ who is it that expects these experiences? How could you experience them?

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buddhawarrior
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doubt

Postby buddhawarrior » Mon Oct 17, 2011 4:39 am

It seems that the realization is more of a reminder than a permanent thing. It seems easy to slip up and need reminder. Hard to ask my mind to surpass it's own thought loop. Thank you for the reminder.

All thoughts. Nothing to cling to. No self. No one to be tired, no one to feel fraustrated. Just itself happening.

Is this a life long practice!? Not a magic cure? Or does it get easier?

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Re: doubt

Postby Richard B. » Mon Oct 17, 2011 7:39 pm

The realization is learning the truth. Seeing that you do not, and never have, existed. Why hold on to a truth? It just is.

The start of the string was about doubt. So what about doubt? Where is the doubt coming from? What is the cause? Does it still exist? Did it ever really exist?

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buddhawarrior
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doubt

Postby buddhawarrior » Thu Oct 20, 2011 3:32 pm

Doubt was a thought. I had falsely identified with the doubt. Thinking it was me. I was in doubt. But now I see doubt was another passing thought. Doubt may have existed, but it was never me. Doubt occurred, but I did not generate the doubt.

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buddhawarrior
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doubt

Postby buddhawarrior » Thu Oct 20, 2011 3:32 pm

Thank you Richard


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