Not all who wander are lost

[Ilona]

Dear Oly, thank you for sharing profound realisation. These Buddhists and their ideas! Well, all ideas can go. It’s so much freedom is knowing that I don’t know how this experience should be and I’m open to seeing it as it is. There is power in saying- so be it!

What else are you noticing? What do you see when you look at your loved ones? Have relationships changed in any way? How do you see other people now? Are there separate selves, persons there? Describe what is true to you.

Love.

[BigDaddaOmac]

Hi Ilona, sorry for the late reply, must have missed the notification. I notice when I catch myself operating from a sense of self and then search inside and find nothing that everything in my vision becomes very crystal clear and sharp and I am aware of space and depth in a way that reminds me of psychadelics.

I am spending more time in a stable sort of emptiness but it is not permanent. I had a funny encounter with my kids today, we were running late and I had to get them to before care at school so I could get to work on time and I started getting stressed and I warned them a few times and then I yelled really loudly but without anger and kind of caricatured myself stomping around and being mad. We al laughed but it got them moving. I felt like I was just playing my role, doing my dance with no ill will even though I was play acting anger.

I have stopped trying to second guess peoples thoughts or different angles of a conversation. I am in NA and I used to plan what I would share extensively but now I am happier to trust in the flow.

Sometimes when I look at my loved ones I feel like I am seeing them for the first time. It is like I witness their essence without my expectations of who I already think they are. Relationships are easier, more natural and flowing when I can remember no-self and let the interaction unfold without the need to meddle, control or overthink. Also when in no-self I see other people as parts of the whole, I don't focus on them as much and I don't worry about my role in interactions. We just dance our dance. I still get caught sometimes in seeing other people as separate selves but I am able to remember to look and see through it.

I had an experience over the last couple of weeks where I was witnessing thoughts happening as a natural process, one leading to another, but there was a distance there. Then slowly I started to get caught in those thoughts again and experience anxiety and stress as a result of them. I used this as a reminder to look for self and was able to come back but it perplexed me. Should I be aiming for less thoughts? No thoughts? Or just free flowing thoughts that don't stick to anything?

Thanks so much Ilona,
love,
Oly

[Ilona]

Dear Oly, thank you for sharing and sorry for delay with reply.

What you wrote resonates as a vince confirmation, that something shifted.
Cool!
As for thoughts, they can come, there is nothing wrong with thinking. There is nothing wrong with being pulled into a story either. Everything is happening by itself anyway. So it can flow as it pleases. Or not?
The wish to control can be here too, but when it is seen as a wish, it has no stickiness.

You mention no-self mode. Is there a separate self mode? Can life alternate between being whole and being made of separate parts? How do you see that?

Love.

[BigDaddaOmac]

Hi Ilona, no need to apologise for delay, I am eternally grateful for the work you have done with me!

What I mean when I refer to 'no-self' mode is that things happen, thoughts happen, things are seen but there is no one doing all these things, no owner or controller of it all. The alternative to this is when I think I am in control of everything and life loses its flow and I feel anxiety, stress, worry, grasping control and fear. I don't think 'no-self' is a separate mode, it's more like the real and authentic truth underneath all the thoughts proclaiming they are a self.

I have been experiencing 'oneness' with everything in the moment with all that is happening around me for the first time since I had the dramatic breakthrough experience. This experience is much more mild, I am not crying and laughing hysterically. My mental health is the strongest it has ever been. I feel the full range of emotions but I don't ruminate and get stuck in negative spirals like I have my whole adult life. Meditation is a breeze, such a pleasure. So different to when I was fastidiously trying to be like a Thai Forest Monk. I'm doing really well Ilona. Once again I want to tell yo how deeply grateful I am for you taking a chance with me. I'll never forget it!
Thanks a million!
Love,
Oly.

[Ilona]

Your words bring joy to my heart! I’m so happy with you! And of course life is going to bring challenges and things to look at, this is only a beginning. And it’s a real beginning.
I’m supper happy to hear that all is going well and there is a sense of oneness. The simple and obvious is always here!

Would you say we have completed our conversation?
How about your expectations, have they been met?
Is there anything else you would like to explore?

Love.

[BigDaddaOmac]

Hi Ilona, it feels like quite a milestone to be ending this conversation. It is the right timing. I went back and reread some of our conversations and I was amazed at how far out I was there for a while. Fascinating stuff. The collapsing of that belief in 'self' was so dramatic and intense!!! I kind of miss the rush a bit. A wild ride! But I am content with the much more sustainable reality I now inhabit. Please let me know how I can donate some funds your way. I want to acknowledge the priceless gift you have given me!

Ilona thanks as always, a million, billion thanks!
Big love,
Oly.

[Ilona]

That sounds wonderful, dear Oly. I’m delighted with you. And big thank you for offering to donate, I appreciate your kind heart.
Here is a link: https://www.paypal.me/Iciunaite
As you know, this is not the end of life, not the end of challenges and there is much to explore. Life is abundant with opportunities to meet what arises and deep wisdom that hides in every contraction. I am here, if you ever need my assistance. And if you like to guide, you are weary welcome to join. It’s an amazing process and very helpful for both sides.
Much love your way!