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Liberi tutti

Posted: Fri Aug 28, 2020 9:27 am
by imonamission
LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
I'd say that there being is no actual 'thing' in 'me' that's separated from the world outside.

What are you looking for at LU?
I suspect I have some incorrect views or at least questionable views or at least can-be-seen-to-be-views-as-opposed-to-an-actual-real-thing views.
So I'd like to be pointed to ways of questioning those views

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
To be challenged into seeing things in a different way, particularly to be helped in realising (or questioning) where I hold a certain view but I'm not consciously aware of it.
(also see answer to previous question)

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
8 years or more or less constant meditation/tea ceremony practice
a few months worth of meditation retreats and retreat centre/monastery stays

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self?
8

Re: Liberi tutti

Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2020 11:35 pm
by Dion
Hello Liberi Tutti :)
My name is Dion, and I'd like to be your guide, if that suits you.
What shall I call you? Liberi Tutti?

Let me start by asking you what it is you hope to achieve through this guiding process?
What are your goals?
What are your expectations?

Re: Liberi tutti

Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2020 9:19 am
by imonamission
hello Dion, thank you very much for your message, and yes I'd like very much to accept your offer.

I realised a bit too late that these answers were public and there was not much there to read, thanks for picking it up nonetheless!

I know I'm somewhat dissatisfied, or at least I suspect I am since *often* I notice I don't wish to stay with my current experience (most noticeably in meditation... why is staying with the breath so difficult? what is it there that's disturbing?)
I'd like to get to the bottom of this feeling of dissatisfaction and either:
- not feel anymore
- accept that feeling just like any other feeling (seeing that it's not solid/serious as I thought it was)

Re: Liberi tutti

Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2020 9:22 am
by imonamission
oh, do address me as 'BC' if you wouldn't mind

BC

Re: Liberi tutti

Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2020 7:38 am
by Dion
Hello BC :)

Are you looking to only feel selected emotions? Not to feel at all? Feel only positive emotions? Or freedom to feel all? Can dissatisfaction be allowed too?
Dion

Re: Liberi tutti

Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2020 9:20 am
by imonamission
Dion,

Honestly quite often I find myself with a desire for non-existence, so for not feeling at all

Intuitively I know the above is impossible, and so I shift to wishing for freedom to feel all without attaching to any

As I write now I realise I feel confused.
If things become a bit clear after meditation session I'll write some more

Re: Liberi tutti

Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2020 12:09 pm
by imonamission
I notice how deeply I don't want to be with my experience at the moment
If I stay with it there seems to be a lot of sadness/grief that feels very dangerous to feel

And no, dissatisfaction is not allowed either

Re: Liberi tutti

Posted: Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:24 am
by Dion
Hello BC :)
Sadness, grief, dissatisfaction and an accompanying sense of danger are a tough pill to swallow.
Please look closely and ask deeply, what danger do these feelings pose?
In what way are they a threat?
Is it possible to allow those feelings to be as they are just for, say, 20 seconds?
Hang in there, friend.

Re: Liberi tutti

Posted: Wed Sep 16, 2020 11:37 am
by imonamission
morning Dion, thanks for your message

when I manage to look a bit below the overwhelming resistance there's fear... that feeling any of those (Sadness, grief, dissatisfaction - anger feels more ok) will shatter the (already rather thin) sense of self I have left, the image that comes up is a ray of light yellow-red shattering a stone from the inside
this is a place I'm quite familiar with in the last years... I get close to it and hit a lot of resistance

at the moment I've removed all major distractions from life and this situation of trying to repress what's going on when it 'knocks' is heightened, I find it so difficult to stay with it and trust that it'll be ok -
I don't want to die! not in the sense of body (that I feel relatively okay with), but in the sense of the belief that I have some agency, that I am something

I do not know to which degree this is a place familiar to all human beings or it relates to my own childhood trauma circumstances (abandonment therefore out of body from months old)

I do have some intuition that all those are empty and if I could only see for what they are then everything actually would be okay, but this is at a shallower level than the fear

BC

Re: Liberi tutti

Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2020 6:11 pm
by imonamission
hi Dion,
is everything well? maybe missed my last message?

BC

Re: Liberi tutti

Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2020 5:48 am
by Dion
Hi BC :)
I’m sorry for my tardy response 🙏
I’d been trying to get back to you.
First of all I want to praise you for your close looking, bravery and honesty.👍
You said,
“... a bit below the overwhelming resistance there's fear.” and, “I don’t want to die! ... in the sense of the belief that I have some agency, that I am something”.
BC, “Can you look closely, very very closely at what you are? What exactly is the fear protecting?
What is this something that needs protection?”

Re: Liberi tutti

Posted: Mon Sep 28, 2020 9:54 am
by Dion
Hello BC :)
How are you?
Is everything ok?

Re: Liberi tutti

Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2020 2:12 pm
by imonamission
apologies Dion, I got out of rhythm with the break. inquiry received and will revert when I look into it properly. many thanks!

BC

Re: Liberi tutti

Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2020 8:32 am
by Dion
I see :)
No problem. I’m happy you’re ok.

Re: Liberi tutti

Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2020 11:12 pm
by Dion
Hi BC :)
Are you still there?
Dion