I am sure that you will be frustrated with my answers here, sorry.
How the decision is made what to make a cup of tea or coffee?
I think about it and decide that this is what I would like. I understand that I am not my thoughts and that they just appear and that much of what it is that I do is sort of just done for ‘me’ but I really feel as though I decide when and what I want. So much of this thought is based on habit. In other words, I think about coffee around the same time I have coffee every day. And I think about tea at around the same time I think about tea every day. It really feels as though I am thinking about it. In meditation or deep awareness/concentration, I can so clearly see that I am not my thoughts and I can observe them coming and going. But when deciding whether or not I want a cup of tea, it is ‘my’ choice and it comes from habit.
Do you choose putting or not putting milk or sugar into the tea (or coffee)?
No this just happens as it always does. Once I have decided that I would like a cup of tea, I ‘know’ how I have my tea so I add the milk. It’s not really a choice. The choice to have milk and no sugar was made years ago and that is the way I have always had it. And I know this is just a belief! As with the above, the choice isn’t really a choice. It’s just the way I have always done it. Coffee with milk in the morning. Tea with milk in the afternoon.
Is there a moment of choice or it happens automatically?
Not really a choice. Thoughts relating to both arise at the same time in the day. And then I take the necessary steps to make it happen. I wouldn’t say it is so much a choice as a habit. Just what I do. Do I chose or do I believe I have chosen? I’m not sure!
Do you 'make the cup of tea (or coffee) happen' or it just happens?
In this instance, I am more able to almost watch myself making it without participating in the making of it. The body just does its thing. I believe that I have decided that I would like coffee and then the body just just performs the act of making it. It feels as though I have the power to choose and then having chosen... it just happens as it should.
Can a chooser be located?
The chooser feels like the person behind the eyes. I think about it in this region and then conclude what I am going to do for there and then it just happens. I should add that I am less attached to the feeling of being behind the eyes BUT I am very attached to being the chooser.
What is it that is choosing which hand to raise?
Again it feel like I am choosing from behind the eyes. Although I sense being behind the eyes and that in itself is leads me to doubt this. I really don’t know! I ask myself that question and then concentrate on deciding, decide to raise my right hand, and raise my right hand. All from behind the eye.
Can you find a self/me or anything that is doing the choosing?
Whereas it feels as though the head is choosing which hand to raise, when you ask who is the chooser... ‘I’ drop deeper and become the one that has no objective quality so I kinda just see the head (that I felt myself to be when choosing) as an object of my awareness. So... when choosing, it is the head that is choosing. When finding the chooser, the head that I felt myself to be in the choosing is nothing more than an appearance. This is tough!!!!
Is there a controller?
Yes, the head is the controller. Even when observed from the deeper point of ‘being’, I would still assert that the head is the place I ‘fall’ into to control.
How is the decision made?
Internal monologue. I ask myself the question and chat (internally) about what I want to do and then I decide (internally) which arm I want to raise. This is how I feel it to be. If I observe the sensation of the head (where I feel all this internal monologue takes place) then nothing happens. I sit as if in meditation with just sensations and I am devoid any engagement or attachment. Just watching.
Is there a decision made by an I/self?
Yes. I really feel as though ‘I’ as a head make this decision. As above, when I watch the senses in the head, nothing happens. For something to happen... ‘I’ must drop into the head to make it happen. It is me.
Is there a decision maker? Where?
Yes. As the head, ‘I’ am the decision maker. When ‘I’ drop deeper to observe the head as a sensation, nothing happens.
But now I am wondering Vivien... am ‘I’ able to perceive the thinking and decision-making of my head? Oh no!!! Perhaps in the same way that I mentioned to you that when I was in the car, I was able to see thoughts rise, appear, and disappear... this might be what is going on now. Maybe I can see the ‘head thinking’ and the choice it makes. And this would be thought right.
Remember I said to you that I felt that thinking and awareness were mutually exclusive until I realised otherwise? This might be the same. Maybe I can see the thoughts that lead to the choices
. I am not sure. But it feels like it might be the case!
As always... thank you for guiding me 🙏