Why does the self feel so real?

[Taskat]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
That I do not exist and have never existed as an independent separate self

What are you looking for at LU?
Freedom from the idea of a separate self that feels real. Am tired of being ‘not good enough’ , tired of feeling judged, aware that this is just an idea but can’t seem to shake the habit. and tired of feeling like I need to be caring and attentive to other’s needs all the time. this is so exhausting. I just want to get rid of the ‘I’ virus.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
Insight as to the nature of reality and seeing what is. Relief from self created expectation and judgement, realising there is no point in constantly trying to please other people. Recognition of no self running the show. Really seeing it.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
Years of daily meditation. Insight Timer every day for 5 years. Much reading in the non-dual space, Greg Goode’s book, hours of watching Rupert Spira, feeling like I’m almost getting it but it is frustrating and then back into the old habits. Busy job and crazy life.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 10

[Taskat]

Hi, not sure if this is the best way to use the forum but have been waiting to receive a contact.
Away in the mountains at the moment and have been walking in the forest every day. Feels great being in nature and connecting with everything around. Still feels like there is a me in all this, though.
Have read Ilona’s book and got to step 5. Pretty sure I am still not seeing this and it feels frustrating, like getting it wrong. Apparently it is very simple but cant seem to ‘get it’.
have a feeling am overthinking this but don’t know how to get past this.
Would be great to get some help. Thanks
Taskat

[Ilona]

Hi Taskat.
Welcome to the forum. I hear the urgency in your message, so let’s chat.
Describe how you see this, what is true, how you perceive what is this. What are you looking for? And what are you hoping for to happen.
Let’s start from here and see where it takes you.
All I ask for is complete honesty with yourself and writing from your own experience.

With love.

[Taskat]

Hi Ilona,I did not expect a reply from you! Wow - amazing and exciting - Thought you would be too busy to guide!
So,
I have devoured all the text available since discovering the website, watched lots of videos and listen to meditation sites that describe non-duality. I know it is meant to be simple. I suppose I have been trying to achieve this ‘shift in perception’ that I have read about.
The idea of being free of the self is unbelievably appealing. Probably sounds a bit silly but the notion that I don’t have to be in charge, be responsible and manage everything that is happening to ‘me’ is just wonderful to contemplate.
By way of explanation
In my job, I’m a senior doctor looking after all the medical administration for NW Tas, we have just come through a COVID outbreak. Weeks of unrelenting work, stress and anxiety and uncertainty amongst the staff, lots of our patients died. Several staff still not back at work. The idea of not having to be in charge while life unfolds is what I am really seeking.
So have escaped to the mountains to switch off with my ever-so-patient husband.

‘Describe how you see this, what is true, how you perceive what is this.’
Hmmm I guess I see the text appearing on my IPad screen and some fingers typing. There is a slight click or clack with each key press. Feeling warmth from the wood stove and can hear the creaking of the firebox as the heater expands and contracts. (It is winter here in Tasmania. ) as I look over the top of the iPad, I can see and feel my toes which feel a bit cool since taking off my wet socks.
There is a ceiling fan turning and the low hum of the fan in the heater.
Green leaves, grey trunks and lichen-covered branches (rainforest) is just outside the door and as I step out there is a view of Lake Rosebery at the end of the driveway and Mt Murchison further away shrouded in clouds. (These are labels - yes? But describe such beautiful landscape and there is feeling of peace which I experience in the centre of ‘my’ chest when I contemplate what is here. Such joy just to be part of this. Feeling of expansion on breathing in, sense of widening of muscles around eyes as I take it All in.
There are green leaves and branches from the forest - Australian rainforest spells of wet eucalyptus and moss. Hard to put a smell into words. The air is crisp but moist on inhalation. Skin of face and shoulders feel cool through thin jumper.
BAck inside
Fingers typing, sense of air in and out of nostrils, looking out through window, darker than before, wooden bench outside - brown stained timber, reflection of silver car in window.

What are you looking for? And what are you hoping for to happen.
Looking for peace. Hoping to have some shift in experience sometime before death.

Taskat

[Ilona]

Thank you for sharing.
Did you notice, that when contemplating what is here, there is peace, there is joy and all is ok.
When is it not right here right now?

The shift is from looking for something to looking at what is. It’s available at all times.

Can you find out, when is not here and not now?
Can you stop being here now by accident or at will?


I have started a video series on YouTube about finding inner peace, hope it will help you to find what you are looking for. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=P ... 8ytp0GqLMW

And yes, it’s very simple. It just goes unnoticed as you are looking for some thing complex. Look at what is. At the sense of being. Is anything incomplete?

Love.

[Taskat]

Dear Ilona, thank you for your lovely message and links to your videos. I have been watching them and hear the simplicity. It is beautiful and you have such a generous spirit - sharing this with us.
So, to your questions
Not sure how often this happens to people on the forum but when something comes up that I can’t wrap my mind around, I just get super tired and fall asleep. It is like there is a small ferret or something running around behind my eyes trying to make sense of all this, it is tying itself in knots and it can’t ‘get it’ so it just has to stop and reset. Very odd.

Did you notice, that when contemplating what is here, there is peace, there is joy and all is ok.

It feels like this is true but only when ‘I make time’to stop and see. And, of course, making time is just a silly thing to say because no one ever makes time - time just is and probably not even real.
It is like this sense that there are so many things to fit in to any day, all the tasks to complete, lists, plans, conversations in the head about all the pressures to do the next thing and the next thing. Having to ask my lovely executive assistant to constantly juggle the diary so I can fit in all the ‘next things’!!
So, yes - but how to find this time? Is this just making a bad choice, is it just making a distraction to ’not see’, maybe avoidance.
In the video you say to look at the fear - what is it protecting? This idea of me that everything I have to do is so important and must occupy every waking second until I fall into an exhausted heap each night.
So thanking the fear for doing its job - what is it protecting?
Being really honest, it seems to be protecting the idea of me being so special and important and indispensable that I can never have time off or stop running long enough to enjoy my overprogrammed life!
(This sounds a bit ridiculous and also a bit arrogant but it does explain the tiredness!)

Which brings me to

When is it not right here right now?

And the answer is ‘It is never, not right here, right now’ - all these double negatives cancel each other out so it must always be right here right now.

Can you stop being here now by accident or at will?

I pondered this a bit. Whilst awake, there is a sense that I am here and could not stop that. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder where this sense went. Also, what happens to people under anaesthetic? They don’t appear conscious (which is the point of having an anaesthetic ) but they are still alive and wake up with a renewed sense of ‘me’. I have watched people die, one moment they are here but for some time before death, many palliative patients appear to be ‘in and out’ and have lucid periods before they are finally ‘not here’.
Finally, if someone decided to take their own life, by definition they would not be here and I guess that would be an act of will they had chosen.

Look at what is. At the sense of being. Is anything incomplete?

I don’t quite understand this ‘sense of being’. Is this is the same as the sense of awareness? The sense of awareness or being ‘behind the eyes’ seems complete when I am aware of it and then gone when I’m not paying attention to it or distracted.

The shift is from looking for something to looking at what is. It’s available at all times.

I keep reading this and find the little ferret is back behind my eyes and going around in circles.
Not sure what the ‘is’ is that I’m meant to be looking at and where it has got to.....
Sorry to be so dense. I’m really enjoying our conversation and sending much love and thanks for all your patience :)
Taskat

[Taskat]

Dear Ilona, the time is now.
Looking at what is.
No more distraction or denial.
The self does not exist.
I do not exist.
This is true.
Love
Taskat

[Ilona]

Wonderful! Yes, the time is now.
Sorry I could not reply as I was away.. but I see that something shifted! Can you tell more, what happened, what was seen?

Love.

[Taskat]

Hi I lona, thanks for your guidance. I wouldnt say there is too much of a shift but after our last conversation i watched and listened to your you tube videos and reread step 5 of the book.
(Many times) and felt increasingly dense and frustrated😬
There is a particular set of words in step 5.
'Notice what is actually happening' and The thing is you are seeing this already and that doubt is another protection mechanism. All that is needed to recognise this fully is noticing that it is already the case.

Decided it was all getting way too hard so i just stopped and sat outside with my coffee under a tree.
I also listened to a beautiful meditation by Siri Opli. She sings in ancient Norweigan and also speaks in English. 'All is now ' simple, contains music with my favourite instrument (celtic harp) and speaks directly to the soul(if such a thing exists) doesnt matter.
All is now- the light in me speaks to the light in you.
So there seem to be glimpses but it comes and goes.
Am getting used to this idea that there is no 'I' running the show playing out in front of me.
Still feel very responsible for all these decisions, though.
And for a sense of having to step in to prevent bad stuff happening to the health service in this pandemic situation.
Thanks for hanging in there while this works itself out.
Love
Taskat 🙂

[Ilona]

Wonderful, thank you for describing what is happening for you.

Am getting used to this idea that there is no 'I' running the show playing out in front of me.

Nice. Now one thing is left, to take a look- is it true in actuality?
Is there I running the show?

Is there I that is noticing?
Or noticing is happening.
here now is a happening. Or are you in control of it?

Responsibly is also happening. Making decisions too, taking care of people, getting tired.. - all is included.

Is there I that wants certain things to happen and others not or that too is what arises?


Looking forward to your reply.

Love

[Taskat]

Hi Ilona,
Today we came home from our trip to find our roadside rescue Tasmanian pademelon (small 2.8kg wallaby) in the garden. He has become very tame, likes to hop onto our lap and allows us to cuddle and stroke his incredibly soft fur and enthusiastically drinks specially prepared marsupial milk formula from a bottle.
I watched him hopping around the garden, eating grass, startling at the noise of the door slamming. We call him Joe but he doesn’t come to us calling his name, we have to call him with a special clicking sound.

So - Joe does not appear to have any sense of ‘I’. He eats, he hops, he gives us special wallaby kisses especially when he’s hungry ( should send you a video!) and he seems happy to interact with us but he also doesn’t appear to torture himself with any past or future worries.
So why talk about our little garden marsupial?
He Doesn’t appear to be running his show - he is just being and quite unconcerned about anything. Also - I have no control or influence over him other than to enjoy his presence and feed him occasionally.
Which brings me to your question

Is there I running the show??

The more this is examined, the more it makes no sense that ’I’ would be running anything - let alone the wonder of life around ‘me’
This marvellous orchestration and complexity is just what is. In fact it feels a bit silly to even think about ‘me’ running the life and the world and yet We human beings live in this delusion constantly.
What ever happens just happens and that’s OK.
Despite all the illogicality, though, there is still a sense that I am responsible for my choices in life. To help, to harm, to be thoughtful, caring kind and considerate instead of rude, thoughtless, inconsiderate, arrogant and selfish.
What I have observed during the pandemic is both the best and the worst of behaviour.
I guess these actions are born of fear and facing that fear seems to be the antidote.
But it is hard when people seem to want to attribute blame (especially when the ‘I’ appears to be the target of some unmet and frankly unrealistic expectations).
So examining that fear - who is there to be harmed? If there is no me - why am I taking any apparent criticism personally?
With this understanding, I can view all this as just rolling out in front of me, not engaging in the drama, maybe feeling compassion for those who are suffering in this way (and include myself on that list!).

Is there I that is noticing?
Or noticing is happening.

there cannot be an ’I’ to notice - we have just established this cannot be the case.
Therefore, noticing must be happening regardless.
It still feels like there is this ‘being behind the eyes’ watching through my eyes but it is somehow much bigger and vaster than that. Slightly weird sensation and hard to describe.

here now is a happening. Or are you in control of it?

Definitely not in control and this is a slightly scary realisation as it feels like I have spent many years trying to get all sorts of aspects of life ‘under control’. Getting the right job, having a family, looking after people, saving for retirement etc. etc. all the human drama that is pretty meaningless but yet occupies a lot of brain space.

Is

there I that wants certain things to happen and others not or that too is what arises?

This is tricky to answer. I certainly don’t want to see any more people infected with the virus in our community. I feel it is my job to do everything I can to protect, plan and prepare our health services for that.

But - If this is all just what arises, is there any point in making the effort, in striving and stressing and meeting with others to Work through and communicate plans or are you saying that it makes no difference At ALL what we appear to ‘do’ because that is just life arising?
If All this arises with or without our effort, maybe I should just go on holiday and leave everybody to it!
Not sure how popular that would be with my boss and I would feel pretty guilty for abandoning the team.

Still pondering these questions.
Will sleep on it.

Take care and lots of love
Taskat

[Ilona]

Thank you for thoughtful answers. I googled Tasmanian pademelon to see what kind of soft fur animal comes to you. How wonderful!

If All this arises with or without our effort, maybe I should just go on holiday and leave everybody to it!

Yes, why not! If that is happening. But what is happening is staying where you are caring, protecting and planing. Can it be different? Life shows up as this: caring, protecting and planing. So yes to that.

And caring can be happening from a place of calm, peace and compassion. Or it can be happening with thoughts, how you don’t like to care, protects and plan for everybody to stay safe in your community. Either way, this is what life is showing up as. Thoughts about this is a story and this story can be pleasant or unpleasant ( depends on a day )

The question is, can this, that is, be different?
Are you controlling what is showing up?
Are you controlling the story about what is showing up?

What do you see in your daily life? Can you not do what happens next?

Love.

[Taskat]

Dear Ilona,

Thoughts about this is a story and this story can be pleasant or unpleasant ( depends on a day )

Agree with this.

The question is, can this, that is, be different?

No, it can’t be and resistance and stories about how it ‘should be different’ just make us miserable.

Are you controlling what is showing up?

No, that is impossible but I used to think I could control my reactions to what is showing up.
Now am not so sure.

Are you controlling the story about what is showing up?

This is still caught up in the idea of a separate ‘me’ who can control anything, even her own reactions.
If we operate from the sense of ‘no I’ and this is just life showing up, the question has no answer as there is no one and nothing controlling anything.

What do you see in your daily life? Can you not do what happens next?

This is interesting to contemplate as there is no ‘next’ if all is happening now.
What ‘happens next’ is just what is. Reacting, not reacting, creating a story, not creating a story is also just what is, happening now with no one in control.

So, just being with what is, all happening now.
Going for a walk on the beach track to be with whatever comes up.

Love from Taskat (and Joe!)

[Ilona]

Beautiful, thank you for the answers. Yes, here now, all is happening, effortlessly and without a manager.

Seeing this, is there an urge or necessity to fight with what is happening? Or all can be allowed to be as it is? Including reactions and resistance?

And how does it feel to see this?

Love

[Taskat]

Hi Ilona,
Back at work today. Not sure if it is still the post holiday ’chill’ or something more lasting. Either way it doesn’t matter. Life is just unfolding.
Doing the rounds this morning, ended up in an encounter with a staff member whose behaviour during the pandemic had been particularly challenging to manage. The anxiety-driven drama and long winded catastrophising emails that were sent during the outbreak were difficult to ignore and also impacted the team around her.
Things have settled down a lot here but I still wasn’t actively seeking an encounter with someone whose default response to management has been highly critical and full of complaint about all the things that we had done wrong or could have done better.
Anyway, I found myself observing today’s interaction without judgement and was able to be In proximity with this person without getting hooked into the drama.

is there an urge or necessity to fight with what is happening?

No, there is no necessity to fight what is happening. It seems to be getting easier to accept what is going on.

From this new perspective it does seem really silly to fight what is going on, especially as the only one suffering is the mythical me.

Or all can be allowed to be as it is? Including reactions and resistance?

This is still a work in progress, will let you know in a week or so after I’ve been back at work for a bit longer!
Take care, love
Taskat