not sure how to reply to this one.
What I don't want to look at is my near continual more-or-less-background anxiety. I don't want to admit it to myself.On the occasions when I do, it's okay, not the end of the world at all, indeed it's a relief.I feel harmonious and connected and whole. I don't want to be exposed to the weakness and humiliation of how I really am
Ok, that's fine, and thank you for exploring it, that in itself is good work!
I don't want to be exposed to the weakness and humiliation of how I really am
Ok, some background.
As you know, one expression of self is a narrative engine: it's all about me.
What keeps this narrative engine ticking along is the hurt we feel because of our relationship with ourselves.
Put another way, I hate myself for hating myself, and self is the story of how I get by despite my self-dislike.
This is a general principle.
So, let's take this "I don't want to be exposed to the weakness and humiliation of how I really am" which was a great piece of inquiry.
If I step into that, and acknowledge that I do believe, that's how I really am, weakness and humiliation, then that is not a nice thing to acknowledge. However, if it rings true, then this is real inquiry, not just playing at it! - which is great!
Now, for as long as I can blame others for my weakness and humiliation, I have an excellent narrative for avoidance. I may have run this charade for years.
But now, here I am. I see that, in fact, I'm the one that sees myself as weakness and humiliation. And that is paradoxically empowering. Because I am the one holding on to this perception of myself. No-one else is doing that. I am. I've got all the cards.
This is largely out of habit and conditioning etc, but that doesn't alter the fact, that I am the one holding to this perception of myself.
And by the way, this would be the conditions for my anxiety - of course I'd be anxious how others feel about me, because I do too!
Now, were this perception to be resolved, there would be no anxiety of how others feel about me, because I have resolved that and no longer feel that anymore - and yes, I'm no angel, and far from perfect, but who is. :)
Have a reflect on this and share what shows up when you're ready.
With much love,