let's start

[johnboy]

resisting it, pushing it away. I don't want to be the source of the disapproval! Slowing down, I can consider that much of what I don't like outside of me indeed has roots inside of me. Eg, projecting my anger onto other people.

[s-p-a-c-e]

resisting it, pushing it away. I don't want to be the source of the disapproval! Slowing down, I can consider that much of what I don't like outside of me indeed has roots inside of me. Eg, projecting my anger onto other people.

Ok, good. Now, let's take a time to stay with this, What is it that you don't want to look at, which is the why you fear disapproval. There's something you would rather not be exposed to yourself, about how you see yourself. What is it?

Much love,
John

[johnboy]

not sure how to reply to this one.
What I don't want to look at is my near continual more-or-less-background anxiety. I don't want to admit it to myself.On the occasions when I do, it's okay, not the end of the world at all, indeed it's a relief.I feel harmonious and connected and whole. I don't want to be exposed to the weakness and humiliation of how I really am

[s-p-a-c-e]

not sure how to reply to this one.
What I don't want to look at is my near continual more-or-less-background anxiety. I don't want to admit it to myself.On the occasions when I do, it's okay, not the end of the world at all, indeed it's a relief.I feel harmonious and connected and whole. I don't want to be exposed to the weakness and humiliation of how I really am

Ok, that's fine, and thank you for exploring it, that in itself is good work!

I don't want to be exposed to the weakness and humiliation of how I really am

Ok, some background.
As you know, one expression of self is a narrative engine: it's all about me.

What keeps this narrative engine ticking along is the hurt we feel because of our relationship with ourselves.
Put another way, I hate myself for hating myself, and self is the story of how I get by despite my self-dislike.

This is a general principle.

So, let's take this "I don't want to be exposed to the weakness and humiliation of how I really am" which was a great piece of inquiry.

If I step into that, and acknowledge that I do believe, that's how I really am, weakness and humiliation, then that is not a nice thing to acknowledge. However, if it rings true, then this is real inquiry, not just playing at it! - which is great!

Now, for as long as I can blame others for my weakness and humiliation, I have an excellent narrative for avoidance. I may have run this charade for years.

But now, here I am. I see that, in fact, I'm the one that sees myself as weakness and humiliation. And that is paradoxically empowering. Because I am the one holding on to this perception of myself. No-one else is doing that. I am. I've got all the cards.

This is largely out of habit and conditioning etc, but that doesn't alter the fact, that I am the one holding to this perception of myself.

And by the way, this would be the conditions for my anxiety - of course I'd be anxious how others feel about me, because I do too!

Now, were this perception to be resolved, there would be no anxiety of how others feel about me, because I have resolved that and no longer feel that anymore - and yes, I'm no angel, and far from perfect, but who is. :)



Have a reflect on this and share what shows up when you're ready.

With much love,
John

[johnboy]

What shows up is that I'm not very interested in this! gulp! A surprise, but also a relief to say it I appreciate your encouragement and effort. Is this the only way forward? Is it possible to enquire via the five senses, for example. My sensations and where is the hearer,see-er , taster etc in that?

[s-p-a-c-e]

What shows up is that I'm not very interested in this! gulp! A surprise, but also a relief to say it I appreciate your encouragement and effort. Is this the only way forward? Is it possible to enquire via the five senses, for example. My sensations and where is the hearer,see-er , taster etc in that?

Oh yeah, the old 'not interested' slipperoo.
To be fair, the gulp! was a nice touch too. Very convincing. LOL.

I appreciate you'd rather go to safer ground where nothing ever happens. :D
But no, you don't get away that easily.

Now, go back and look again, but this time without kidding yourself.

John

[johnboy]

ok, I don't want to go down the passive-aggressive punishing you road!
So, looking again, I agree with you:

'' Now, were this perception to be resolved, there would be no anxiety of how others feel about me, because I have resolved that and no longer feel that anymore - and yes, I'm no angel, and far from perfect, but who is. :)''
My question is, 'how do I resolve this perception'?

[s-p-a-c-e]

My question is, 'how do I resolve this perception'?

There's no keeping this at arm's length, you need to find out what this is about, beyond the shallow headline - so that you can come to a forgiveness with yourself.

If you'd prefer not to do that, just say.

Thanks,
john