Hi Vivien - yes, that was what was happening. Thank you.Can you see that you believe that “I am the body” – otherwise you couldn’t say “where I was sitting” - , but what you are actually talking about is the body, and not a self?
Pretty unequivocal - when sitting, the body is sitting. When walking, the body is walking. When digesting, the body is digesting. When thinking, thoughts are occurring.Is there an actual ME, a long-lasting independent entity INSIDE the body, or INSIDE the head?
Or there is only the body with a head, but without a ME inside, looking out through the eyes?
When sitting, is there a me sitting, or the body is sitting?
When walking, is there a me walking, or the body is walking?
No me looking out through the eyes like windows, no. There is perception from a vantage point of course, but no entity peering out into the world from behind my eyes. Just seeing.
There IS still the sense of looking through a set point, which was causing some confusion. But no one there pulling a lever and causing the action of seeing.
So yesterday and the day before, I really tried to look, and couldn’t find anything at all. ‘I’, I mean. Ha.
But anyway, yes: no separate self, nothing independent inside the body or head, nothing at all. There has been a really subtle shift the past two days - seeing everyone walking around, my dog, the trees, the leaves, etc, things just doing their thing? Everything moving and being. That has been the sense the past two days - sometimes though, that sense dissolves when the mind spins away on a tangent or story. Additionally, there has not been the feeling of being totally part of everything in the way anticipated. More just observing life doing it's thing? Don't know if that means something is missing?
The “I” thought still pops up A LOT, but looking at it for a bit helps it dissolve, and also - there hasn’t been a real testing of it yet either. Haven’t had something really emotional happen, or hard, or exciting, and there’s wondering what will happen once something negative occurs. There’s suspicion there that “I” will get sucked into a soap opera like narrative of “awakeningbk”. Frankly, this feels almost impossible to avoid sometimes with the mind doing it’s thing.
And additionally - it’s all so subtle that there is a lack of positivity that the seeing is complete. I still have a real urge to say “I/me/mine” all the time, and frankly have had to fight it writing this paragraph - but at the same time, I’ve seen pretty unequivocally that the story of “me” is just that - a story. Lots of thoughts and imaginary sandcastles, and I still get lost in them sometimes, but there seems to be a new lens through which to try and dissolve them, too... To clearly see that they don’t exist. It really is like looking over your shoulder and looking at the furniture behind you, rather than trying to construct it in one’s mind without looking.
At the same time, I’ve felt very relaxed the past two days since. My partner and I have a lot to stress about technically, but I’m able to exist pretty peacefully.
Vivien - is this it? Am I missing something? It feels like there can’t really be anything else, and everything else is just mind-expectations and really ingrained habits. I can say with certainty this: there is a body, there is a mind buzzing away, there is basic awareness, there are emotions and feelings, but as for an enduring separate being occupying the mind or pulling the levers orchestrating the whole shebang? Nothing. Breathing happens, thinking happens, typing happens, but I can’t find anything pressing a button causing it all to occur. It just is, it just happens.
But is it complete? There is a lot of uncertainty. Living and bumping around and seeing - will the sandcastle suck me back in? Even if this ridiculous sandcastle of “awakeningbk" doesn’t exist at all?
As always, thank you for your help, your time, and your willingness to work with “me”.