T: That includes doubts and fears about the looking process. Thinking for example that it is some kind of conspiracy, and that there'll be a precise point where I have to stop the process (and then, fear that I'll miss that point).
V: What do you mean by this? That our conversation will stop at some point? Or that you will have to stop looking at some point, and you won’t know when to stop looking?
It is the second one, a fantasy that I will have to stop looking at some point in order to prevent total emotional & mental catastrophe. This is a pattern I've noticed for years, such that whenever I'm in a period of discomfort & change, resistance often arises in the form of fear along with thoughts that I have to stop progressing before it's too late. I know the pattern well so I'm used to it, and eventually always recognise it for the fear that it is.
Another common thought pattern I've had in the looking process, which is a kind of counter of the above one, is fear of abandonment. That if I do things too slowly, or incorrectly, I will either not see through the self illusion or will be abandoned by you, my guide. I also know this pattern well from other areas in my life and over many years, so I also eventually recognise it.
Both patterns have become weaker as the looking process has continued, and as I've gained trust in the process and in you. The fears just rear up every once in a while, usually around the same time as I'm making a big jump in progress (like over the last days).
Looking is a way of living. Even when the self-illusion is seen through, looking shouldn’t stop. As we talked about this before, this is just the beginning, far from being an end. So if you want to things to deeper and more and more conditionings to fall away, you have to adopt looking into your daily life. With time it becomes a habit, which happens automatically.
'Looking as a way of living' is a helpful way to look at it. I will make this my goal, if one can call it a goal. I've always been extremely curious and dedicated, and thus most definitely want things to go deeper and more conditionings to fall away. I already feel looking partly becoming an automatic habit, and every day it's getting more integrated in everyday activities.
This is not some quick process, but a journey of a lifetime, an orientation to see life in a different angle, each day is an opportunity to discover a little more.
Put this way, this in many ways makes the process sound more manageable, and enjoyable too.
What is being done for colors and shapes to be? Is there anything be done for colors and shapes to be, or they are just there effortlessly?
Nothing is being done for colors and shapes to be. They are just there effortlessly.
What is being done exactly for the sounds to be? And when the attention is on a sound, what is being done to know the sound? Is there any doing? Or it’s just known effortlessly?
I do not find anything being done to know the sound, and see that it's just known effortlessly.
What is being done exactly for the body to be? Is there any effort in being? Or the body just IS, effortlessly?
There is no effort being done for the body to be, and it just is effortlessly.
What is being done for the sensations to be? Aren’t the sensations happens effortlessly?
The sensations are also happening effortlessly, and I don't find anything being done.
What is being done exactly for the image of the hand to be, to exist? Is there a you making the image of the hands happen? Is there any effort in seeing?
The image of the hands just exists, without anything being done. I don't find effort in seeing.
What is being done for thoughts to be? Is there any effort for thoughts to appear? Or they just appear effortlessly?
When looking, I see thoughts appearing effortlessly. However this is the only one that I sometimes have difficulties with in my daily life. Then I sometimes have doubts, thinking that I have to make effort to make them appear. I will continue trying to focus on thoughts in looking.
What is not happening effortlessly and needs your doing?
When looking in my my experience, I don't find anything that isn't happening effortlessly and needing my doing.
Today I often noticed again the very pleasant by-product of lightness and positive thoughts about the future. I sometimes get swept into it, but overall am more and more aware of it.
What about the work related topic we had a session about? How are you with those feelings?
Those feelings are much better. I actually find it hard to believe that one session can make such a difference, but I feel much more confident and clear in my creative & collaborative projects. And after that session was actually the start of a second major jump in the looking process. I also suspect it was helpful to humanise the looking process by seeing you online, as I notice I see the looking process & the words on the screen in a different way. So I am very glad and also grateful for the session.
I am not yet very proficient at carrying out the process (that you shared) myself. I am thinking to continue playing with it, and then maybe request another session in some time. To do a refresh of the process we already did to make sure I have it, and then also an introduction into the deeper process you mentioned. Let's see though - I want to first play more with the existing process.