Yes, a shift is happening during direct looking, especially since realising I cannot feel thoughts. At all.
What is it exactly that is choosing which hand to raise?
At first, there seemed to be a chooser. I zoomed in closer to each moment before, during and after the movement, from DE alone. From DE, I can witness thoughts related to the moving of the hand, but no thinker. Occasionally it appears the hand moves ‘all by itself’.
Then it got REALLY weird. There was choice, but no chooser. Without a chooser, there was not really choice, either. I had this experience where there was simply movement, an apparently random movement of hands, some very very vague sense of ‘choice being made’ but the absolute lack of any of this happening in direct experience.
I then did this exercise, but with the movement of thought or attention alone. It is possible to see the attention moving AS A THING ONLY CONTAINED WITHIN ITSELF. Like it is seen, but it isn’t actually REAL.
Its like this Rick continues to exist in some way, in the sense that there is change. But within direct knowing, all of its possible movements/thoughts are ONE thing. So there is no SPACE for this ‘self’ to direct the show. It is not independent. There is not one part of it that is independent. “I and the Father are One”. I thought I understood that before, but I didn’t realise it could entirely undermine the identity.
Can you find a separate individual or anything that is doing the choosing?
It appears the individual is only maintained by the idea of itself. In DE, there is this awareness that trumps claim of this identity. I have to admit, the word ‘individual’ is more sticky for me than the previous exercise. The very word seems to conjure something into existence.
But wait. From DE, how can something be ‘conjured into existence’? That would depend on the thoughts somehow connecting to each other, but from DE it is clear they do not connect. There is no actual connection, each subsequent thought also contains within it what appears to be the link to the previous thought. It is entirely constructed. Zooming in further reveals that many thoughts may be occurring at once, and the identity is one of them, or a bunch of them. But the SENSE is actually CREATED by this bunch of thoughts!!!
Its all completely NON-SENSE!! XD
What is it that is controlling the hand?
I moved my fingers slowly. What is controlling? I cannot find it in DE. Which leads me to the only possible conclusion - it is moving BY ITSELF!
Like a bloody horror movie!! Except that its funny!!
But...that means this whole time, all the thoughts were just happening. The whole goddamn drama was just going on, but there was no actor?! But the ENTIRE plot of the play was absolutely dependent on there being an actor! Oh my god-ness. That means there has literally been no single event in the history of my life that hasnt, at its very core, been a very profound JOKE.
And the more “serious” that moment was, the more the universe laughed!!!
Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?
The implications of this are apparently never-ending. I sat breathing, but no one was controlling the breath. Even if ‘I’ deliberately changed the depth or pace. Even as little experiences of ‘controlling’ arrived and left, it was very clear these were happening purely in the organism, the happening, not as a controller.
Almost all the friction of my life has been about this controller. Now I think about it, thats the whole damn thing! No wonder I have been getting so damn frustrated - if there is no controller, reality being controllable makes absolutely no sense. All the evidence of my life reveals this anyway; the sense of control has been denied at almost every turn, only to begin again in the next moment.
This is astonishing. I can’t believe that I’m allowed to let go of the steering wheel and let the car drive itself. That it is going to do that whether I let go or not. Let the driver think he is driving even, the whole time sitting in the back knowing he isn’t even really there? That he is just a dream?!?!
The craziest thing about that ridiculous combination of words is that it is completely obvious.
Can anything be found that makes the hand move?
Basically no. Nada. Zilch. There is a bunch of movements in the nervous system, some even feel like intention, but that is complete horseshit.
How is the decision made?
I am realising now I have been making a fundamental error. In the extreme effort of looking, that looking itself is mistaken for identity; combined with thinking and feeling to make the thought or felt seem connected to the identity.
The same goes with decisions. There is no final decider. The is cause and effect perhaps. I suppose there must be, otherwise science couldn’t predict anything. But why should that matter? Reality simply is, and science can describe it. It cant, by itself, BE reality. There is only one reality!
“Thou shalt have no false idols before me.”
No shit dude!!!
Before I sat down to do this stuff, I felt really quite depressed at the silliness of my mind. That doesn’t even make sense in this moment. Depression is entirely dependent on someone to be depressed. The body is still a little heavy in some ways, and yet, the light of knowing is there, within and beyond all experience.
I can only thank you again for sticking with all this.