Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

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Ilona
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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby Ilona » Mon Jul 27, 2020 6:47 am

Thank you, it’s good to notice that at all times you are doing the best you can with knowledge you have.
This however does not answer my question, what are you choosing right now?
Right this moment.

Examine this through the day and write to me.

What did you learn from last night, when you tried to sleep and you couldn’t?

Much love

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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby CUTTaRUGG » Tue Jul 28, 2020 3:02 pm

I'm choosing to write this reply immediately. I'm choosing to consider if I'm actually choosing to write this reply or if it's automatic. I'm choosing not to go in the ecoli infested waters outside of Duluth. Actually, I'm choosing to go in the water and deal with the consequences. I'm choosing to sing Bon Iver songs while in Wisconsin. I'm choosing to stay the night illegally next to Lake Superior.

I learned that when I'm activated/triggered at night that my ego parts believe I'm going to die. My new intention is to see that getting my consciousness separated from those terrified parts enough to see them for what they are (not be IN them) and be able to soothe them from my "I am" / Soul consciousness. This is my intention.

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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby Ilona » Tue Jul 28, 2020 3:19 pm

Can you choose differently?
Consider this, every choice is an outcome of all circumstance, conditions and stories playing out simultaneously together, as one movement. Like a scratch follows an itch, all is simply happening. Including the claiming of the doership. And who is that? What else is he saying?

The second question:

The ego can not die. How?
Let’s explore this.
What is ego? In your own words, can you define it and share what is your experience with ego. What this word points to?

Take your time investigating.
Love.

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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby CUTTaRUGG » Mon Aug 03, 2020 2:54 pm

Ego is an evolutionary developed software that is installed on human hardware (body). This software evolved the ability to tell the difference between "things". The ego software puts labels on things and creates stories to be referenced in the future for safety, control & assumed "betterment". The ego creates separation between me and you, or me and that tiger in the bushes. It keeps me referencing the past for the belief that I have to "control" the present and future. This word points to the collection of stories (person) that try to claim ownership/doership over everything that happens. Or blame others for things that happen "to" me.

But what about the soul? What about the undying spark that sits in my chest? The knowledge that I exist. That "I am". This exists. I have tested it and it responds with an "I am". Is this not the Self behind my Ego? It is the same energy that exists in the trees or in my brother, but doesn't it have a unique signature of my existence? Otherwise, reincarnation wouldn't exist and it definitely does.

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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby Ilona » Tue Aug 04, 2020 6:29 am

Thank you for reply. Let’s examine this ego thingy closer.
ego is an evolutionary developed software that is installed on human hardware (body). This software evolved the ability to tell the difference between "things". The ego software puts labels on things and creates stories to be referenced in the future for safety, control & assumed "betterment". The ego creates separation between me and you, or me and that tiger in the bushes. It keeps me referencing the past for the belief that I have to "control" the present and future. This word points to the collection of stories (person) that try to claim ownership/doership over everything that happens. Or blame others for things that happen "to" me.
Ok, ego is the name for the software that labels things and and creates stories. Can we call that mind? Mind is labelling things and creating stories and one of the stories is about ego. The belief in mind stories creates a sense of separateness, when it’s believed that I am here and you are there, we are unique and separate entities, so it appears.
Word ego points to stories, yes, it is a subject of stories ABOUT ego. There is no story without a subject. So ego is the subject. Like batman is a subject of a story about batman. But does having a story about batman makes batman real? Or is it fiction? Is is possible that there is no ego at all as in zero, and all the stories about ego are as fictional as story about batman?

If you have a cat or dog or any other pet or a small child around, can you see that they too have a character, unique traits, that are observable. Does having a character means having an ego? Can you replace word ego with word character and look at your character. Can you get rid of character? Does character die, if one habit is changed with another?
Is character alive and makes it’s own demands on how to run life?

Can a story claim ownership over what is happening or it’s more likely that a story is about claiming ownership?

Is it possible that the character in the story is fictional, just like batman? There is a story, there are different stories about the same character, sure. But is that character running the show? Is it in charge of the story? Does batman create his own story about himself?

Wrtie what comes up for you when you consider this.

Love.

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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby CUTTaRUGG » Wed Aug 05, 2020 3:44 pm

"Ok, ego is the name for the software that labels things and creates stories. Can we call that mind? "
Yes, we can call that mind. I've been working with the understanding that Mind is what Spirit uses to manifest through into this reality. Spirit needs a mind to enter. Mind needs a body to enter to access 3D "reality".
Mind is labelling things and creating stories and one of the stories is about ego. The belief in mind stories creates a sense of separateness, when it’s believed that I am here and you are there, we are unique and separate entities, so it appears.
Word ego points to stories, yes, it is a subject of stories ABOUT ego. There is no story without a subject. So ego is the subject. Like batman is a subject of a story about batman. But does having a story about batman makes batman real? Or is it fiction? Having a story about BatmanIs is possible that there is no ego at all as in zero, and all the stories about ego are as fictional as story about batman?
It is possible that the story about ego is fictional, and now that I think of it, it's probable that our story about ego is fictional because we have to use language to describe ego and language uses concepts, which are always bastardizations/great simplifications of the truth or reality of something or someone. I'm a lot more than my initial label Brandon. A bird is endlessly more than what our simple words and sentences can describe.
If you have a cat or dog or any other pet or a small child around, can you see that they too have a character, unique traits, that are observable. Does having a character mean having an ego? Can you replace word ego with word character and look at your character. Can you get rid of character? Does character die, if one habit is changed with another?
By character, do you mean a group of traits that make up the appearance/sense/story of a being/person?

I would think that the character doesn't die if someone changes traits but certainly the character is altered if a character Batman is paralyzed and can't do the heroism he used to do.
Is character alive and makes it’s own demands on how to run life?
If it's a group of traits / eg "a story" then, no, it's not alive. It's a ghost of past experience, trying to avoid or call in experiences for the future.
Can a story claim ownership over what is happening or it’s more likely that a story is about claiming ownership?
I have a story that is trying to claim ownership over my night. It wakes me up many times a night filling my body with panic. Are you saying that "I" have a story about this "story/wounded part"?

Thus, a character/story can try to claim ownership over a situation. Eg "I have to calm my nervous system or I won't be able to get back to sleep"
Is it possible that the character in the story is fictional, just like batman? There is a story, there are different stories about the same character, sure. But is that character running the show? Is it in charge of the story? Does batman create his own story about himself?
I believe that the character "Brandon" is a fictional character. A conglomerate of stories from my life and possibly past lives. The character Brandon believes he can impact/run the show. For instance, I believe if I "choose" to punch my father in face, I will impact my life and my Relationship with my father. But you've noted in previous sessions that the decision to punch is influenced by everything that came before it, and I mostly agree. But I don't think we are automatons reacting just to stimuli. Free Will of the energy manifesting inside my being for this lifetime (like a wave cresting on the ocean) seems essential to consciousness exploring the universe and giving feedback to Creator about its creation.

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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby Ilona » Mon Aug 10, 2020 1:03 pm

Thank you for sharing what you experience.
Yes, you are a lot more than a label!
But I don't think we are automatons reacting just to stimuli. Free Will of the energy manifesting inside my being for this lifetime (like a wave cresting on the ocean) seems essential to consciousness exploring the universe and giving feedback to Creator about its creation.
No we are not automatons. And there is no gap between wave and the ocean. Wave is water, the ocean is water, different forms of the same water.
In other words, existence is, and that isness is felt as being. No gap between being and creation.

With nightly events, if you can put assumptions aside and look at what is going on. What is the actual experience? What happens? What are thoughts saying, is it ok or something needs to be fixed?

Please feel free to write as much as you want even if I don’t respond for a few days..

Love.

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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby CUTTaRUGG » Tue Aug 11, 2020 2:45 pm

Thank you. Last night my parts woke me up many times and one started talking:

"Oh no we're up again!" Then another part immediately said "It happens so much he must be a problem"

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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby Ilona » Tue Aug 11, 2020 3:40 pm

Ok.. what is that makes waking up into a problem? How does that work?
Can you look at the pattern and describe what you see.

Love

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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby CUTTaRUGG » Wed Aug 12, 2020 2:00 pm

One part is listening intensely for any sounds (assuming there's something dangerous in the room) and if something is heard, it wakes me up and sends adrenalin through my body.

Upon waking, these parts are referencing the 100s of times that I haven't been able to get back to sleep and saying "oh shit, it's happening again!" And I get the feeling that "something is wrong with me" because I'm waking up. "I'm broken" basically.

And especially if I have work in the morning, and I wake up then he says "we'll never get back to sleep and we will be exhausted for work in the morning! the couple's wedding will be ruined and our business and life destroyed." (I'm a wedding DJ / musician)

These parts are trying to protect me from extremes. Bankruptcy and death. Starting over. They are terrified to lose what we have earned through much toil and suffering.

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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby Ilona » Fri Aug 14, 2020 6:58 am

Sorry for delay in response.
That pattern sounds intense!
And is it ok to wake up at night? Is the fear of bankruptcy and loosing everything because you wake up telling the truth?
What is behind that fear? What is that needs to be protected from extremes? And is this pattern helping or is it one of extremes?

I don’t know how long this is going on for and if you have looked into what can help with good night sleep, so there is little I can do here over forum. If you like, we can set up a half hour Skype chat and see if there is something there that is ready to release.. it’s up to you!


Love

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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby CUTTaRUGG » Fri Aug 14, 2020 3:27 pm

No, there is no tangible truth to this fear of bankruptcy or losing it all. It woke me up many times last night. It's been going on for almost 30 years. But it's more than 1 part. There is an infant part that is looking for mom and safety. It hears anything & everything and fears everything, waking me up to try to save our lives. I've done many years of trauma work, hypnosis, psychedelics etc to try and let this part release, to no avail. An aspect of my intention with engaging with your "no self" process, is that maybe instead of trying to get rid of this part, if I can psychologically expand or advance oh, maybe the part will come along with me and we can live in peace and harmony.

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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby Ilona » Sat Aug 15, 2020 6:50 am

I hear you. That is intense situation and it lasts for so many years!
The way I approach this is by giving the baby you so much love, that it relaxes. Well, it is still here, and it is feeling unsafe, so your own love to him can fill the need and the baby can heal and with that the whole timeline. Easier said then done, and it takes patience and high focus.

This psychological issue is something that is happening too, or are you doing it?
Seeing no self does not change anything what is happening, it allows to see that all that is happening is happening by itself. Self happening.

So are you broken?

Do you need to be fixed?

What are your feelings about that?

Love.

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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby CUTTaRUGG » Wed Aug 19, 2020 12:54 am

I'm confused by a few statements in your last message, particularly "self happening". Does that mean "happening from the self" or "to the self"?

Am I broken? No, I'm trying to learn and grow. But I feel that there are parts of me that are misaligned and this feels like being broken (unable to sleep feels broken).

I get that loving the circumstance of "not being able to sleep" would be beneficial for me not to suffer the experience, but it's madness. Everything is so much more possible when I can sleep... So it's really hard to love that circumstance.

Basically, how do I love the person who's torturing me during the torture? (Anyone who has exploding head Syndrome knows it's true torture)

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Re: Fed up with seeking so... Seeking Guide... Ironic

Postby Ilona » Wed Aug 19, 2020 11:31 am

Ok, self happening means it is happening by itself. Life is happening by itself. No doers, no managers, no controllers. When all conditions come together things happen. There is no one making things happen.

I hear you about not being able to sleep. It is very difficult to operate in daily life when you can not have a deep sleep. I’m not saying you have to love it. I’m saying it can be ok, just ok. That’s how it is for now, is it ok? Can this be allowed?
Also, practically speaking, there are ways to help with sleeping and it’s ok to try different things. It does not mean that you are broken. It’s a sleep pattern that is out of balance, not you. You are here with and without good sleep. You are here knowing of sleep and the lack of it. This intense situation is showing up and is a condition for your daily life. Can it be different? Does it change because you don’t like it? No. It is not asking for permission or to love it. It’s what is happening. Is this pattern something you do? Something that mind does? That body does? Is there a doer?

Write what comes up.

With love


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